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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16 year old living away from home

160 replies

mucky123 · 30/03/2023 10:18

Posting shamelessly for traffic rather than aibu as such.

My DD is currently year 10 (age 15). She would like to move out of home at 16 after she has done her GCSEs (so for yr 12). I think she wants to carry on studying at that stage rather than get a job. Her friend is moving out at that age and she would like to stay with her. I said that obviously at that age it is up to her where she lives but whilst she can live with us I would not be bankrolling her living with this friend (friend is sweet but going off the rails a bit and it would not be good for DD).
I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us but with the option of coming home regularly (weekends, holidays or as often as she wants).
Money is no real object (I'm happy to pay for accommodation/schooling if it gives us all a happier couple of years before she is officially an adult) and she is bright but not motivated. I have looked at sixth form boarding school but I am not sure if that will be exactly what she wants as there will be an intense being with others whether she wants it or not/lots of rules which I think she will not be too keen on.

I have heard on here a few times about posters with teens that live away and come back at weekend/holidays (there was recently the 17 year old DSS who came home, got drunk and had sex with a random - it was suggested that he lived in a bedsit mid-week).

Do you know of any options that aren't boarding school as such. More like a college with a bedsit or even a job with a bedsit. I'd just like to consider all options with her and google search isn't coming up with much.

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 30/03/2023 11:00

Wow, she’s 16! Probably can barely decide what to wear let alone live away. Don’t you have to be in education until 18?

lechatnoir · 30/03/2023 11:00

I have a fiercely independent 17 year old and no way would I have been encouraging him to move out at 16 or even now but especially not to live with a friend going off the rails. This has got disaster written all over it and I'm thinking there must be something quite significant going on at home for either of you to think this is a good idea. The mind boggles (unless there is some massive drip-feed you're about to share...)

Original poster
mucky123 · 30/03/2023 11:04

Pinkdelight3 · 30/03/2023 10:36

I said that obviously at that age it is up to her where she lives

Not obvious at all. The vast vast majority of 16yos don't move out for good reason. If she was mine, she'd be waiting till she was 18yo. What's the rush? She doesn't have to be home much, but it's a better base while she studies, works, saves up etc. Sounds like she just wants to emulate her friend and it's your job to be wiser than that and keep some boundaries. Boarding school would be the only alternative.

I agree the vast majority do not move out but she has checked it out with this friend and she knows that legally I cannot stop her (technically this would be in the middle of her GCSEs she turns 16). I think the friend has some independent access to cash and possibly bankrolled by a relative, I'm not sure of the ins and outs of it and don't really care. Her Dad and I have said we will not support that and will withdraw all funding (including phone contract) if she goes down that route. This did seem to give her pause.
I wanted to try to show her lots of different ways of gaining some independence without throwing the baby out with the bath water and so she could continue to finish her GCSEs in the hope of doing whatever it was later (she might well have calmed down by that stage a bit and decide she is happy enough where she is). Obvious choice was 6th form boarding but she thinks this might be too strict. I was going to take her to a couple of local ones to see what provision they have.
Something else like 6th form college with monitored halls might work.

OP posts:
Villssev · 30/03/2023 11:06

I will take a punt that your relationship with your daughter generally is not in a good place?

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 30/03/2023 11:06

My friend moved out at 17 and her mum moved to a smaller flat so she couldn't come back.

You think you'll both be happier apart - do you not find that a little sad, OP?

ThisIsWednesday · 30/03/2023 11:07

LookingOldTheseDays · 30/03/2023 10:34

You sound sinsanely detached from your own daughter.

I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us

Why? I left home at that age, but I wouldn't say that it's a good thing.

Same. I moved out at 16 because struggling for money, going hungry, being lonely and isolated in my own house never speaking to another person other than shopkeepers for days, sometimes weeks on end because it was a batter alternative to home. I didn't like my stepdad who was a bully and whilst mum was happy to cower and pander to his shit, I wasn't.

OP, why do you think it would be a good thing for your daughter?

Invisimamma · 30/03/2023 11:11

@NNanny0gg it was in 2006 and yes my parents were fine with it. My dad helped me to find the flat share, it was with a colleague of his daughter who needed someone to take a room for the summer. I had a job in the city so it made sense for me to live nearer. It was only for 3 months (may-sept) before moving into university halls. Many young people move away for uni anyway so it wasn't that out of the ordinary.

I'd say op suggestion is more unusual if her dd will still be at school. Not many school children live independently.

forrestgreen · 30/03/2023 11:20

What about if she stays at home until she finishes her GCSEs there x gift/present/incentive.

I wouldn't be happy about mine leaving at that age. Maybe she needs to practise running her own home. Eg
She does her own laundry/cooking/cleaning or gets added to the family rota as she's so grown up.
No lifts as she's independent.

Ask her to work out a budget and go through all the bills. Do it in a positive way, she'll need to know how to budget at some point. Tell her you'd prefer her to stay but understand she might want differently.

And yes show her 6th form options

KnickerlessParsons · 30/03/2023 11:21

I'm pretty sure it would flag up quite quickly on the school's "children to be concerned about" register if they found out she was living away from home at 16, whilst still in school.

loislovesstewie · 30/03/2023 11:21

Apart from anything else, how is this to be financed? Is she going to be working? How much money will she need? What will happen when it goes wrong? I just can't understand why you think it's such a good idea. And have you discussed the pitfalls in the plan?

Comefromaway · 30/03/2023 11:22

Many young people do NOT move away for uni aged 16. The only ones I can think of who do are those doing a classical ballet degree or musical theatre/dance Level 6 diploma (the course my daughter did).

The colleges that will have this kind of halfway house boarding provision will be specialist institutions. So performing arts/farming/animal care type places. Young people attending those institutions will be making an active decision to move away for the purpose of accessing those specialist courses, not because they want to live with their mate and have fun.

Tallulasdancingshoes · 30/03/2023 11:27

I think 16 is too young unless there is a very specific reason. For example, I know one girl who got a place at a performing arts college near London. This was 200 miles away from home so she went to live with a host family during term time.

lovemelovemesaythatyouloveme1 · 30/03/2023 11:29

I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us

sorry…what the fuck?

Greensleevevssnotnose · 30/03/2023 11:29

I don't know if this is still possible but when I was 16 I left home as I didn't get along with my parents it was the 80s and they signed me over to social services who put me in a kind of group home till I was 18. I then went on to claim housing benefit and got a flat with my boyfriend. Unless you detest your daughter and are willing to deal with drugs, SA and teenage pregnancy I suggest you keep her at home.

Divorcedalongtime · 30/03/2023 11:33

My son attends a vocational college and they offer board options for 16-18 year olds, some of my sons friends stay there to avoid the commute and they seem tk enjoy it but say it’s a bit boring (as in the country)

heldinadream · 30/03/2023 11:36

What's the back story OP?

MrsBlondie · 30/03/2023 11:37

no way at 16! I have a child in Year 12 and lives at home, if he wanted to move out the answer would be no. At 18 when they leave school yes, but 16 no!

6namechang3 · 30/03/2023 11:48

My son looked at boarding at an agricultural college to study arboriculture. There was no where nearby to do this. When we looked at the boarding set up he was horrified to see it was far stricter than we would be at home regarding stuff like staying out late, having friends staying over, room inspections etc. He rapidly went off the idea!

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 30/03/2023 11:49

I think 16 can be peak age for teens to distance themselves from their parents and assert their independence. My eldest was adamant at 16 that he wanted to move out... he even talked about emancipating himself. He's 19 now and still here! The fantasy appealed by the reality was too difficult to put into place. In your shoes I'd do nothing, agree to nothing, and see if it all blows over.

Boltonb · 30/03/2023 11:51

google search isn't coming up with much.

Strange. Almost as though parents should be looking after their 16 year old children at home?

frami · 30/03/2023 11:54

Some agricultural type colleges do offer accommodation at but check throughly before applying as many are closing their halls. Housing 16-18 year olds is much more expensive than adults (extra safeguarding etc) plus with all youngsters having to remain in education until they are 18 the colleges have a pool of local students waiting to apply. Transport is usually contracted to local bus companies and is not cheap. I have just retired from teaching at a local that has done just this.

Original poster
mucky123 · 30/03/2023 11:56

6namechang3 · 30/03/2023 11:48

My son looked at boarding at an agricultural college to study arboriculture. There was no where nearby to do this. When we looked at the boarding set up he was horrified to see it was far stricter than we would be at home regarding stuff like staying out late, having friends staying over, room inspections etc. He rapidly went off the idea!

Yes, following on from a helpful poster earlier who answered the question I had actually asked I looked up Hartpury and a couple of other sixth form colleges with boarding. The academic stuff looks lovely but looking at the rooms/pastoral set-up she might rapidly go off the idea once she saw it. But it is all helpful to look at different options.

OP posts:
marrymeadam · 30/03/2023 11:57

My DD is 18 and attends a dance college that is from 16-18. The students can live with a host family if they live too far away but they dont live alone. My DD would not have coped with it at 16. I would have fought tooth and nail for her not to be out of the family home at 16, its far too young in my opinion.

VanCleefArpels · 30/03/2023 12:06

Legally under 18’s can’t enter into contracts so renting a place is a non-starter. Even if an adult was to sign a lease no reputable landlord will allow 16 year olds to be resident.

Have you looked at Hurtwood House for boarding - definitely not your traditional boarding set up, might appeal

Comefromaway · 30/03/2023 12:06

On a more practical note, it was me who had to sign her accommodation contract etc and be responsible for the rent. It was me the landlady contacted when dd's room was too messy. It was me the landlady checked with to see if she was allowed to do certain things like be out late at night. The landlady even asked me permission for her to be left alone overnight once.

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