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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16 year old living away from home

160 replies

mucky123 · 30/03/2023 10:18

Posting shamelessly for traffic rather than aibu as such.

My DD is currently year 10 (age 15). She would like to move out of home at 16 after she has done her GCSEs (so for yr 12). I think she wants to carry on studying at that stage rather than get a job. Her friend is moving out at that age and she would like to stay with her. I said that obviously at that age it is up to her where she lives but whilst she can live with us I would not be bankrolling her living with this friend (friend is sweet but going off the rails a bit and it would not be good for DD).
I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us but with the option of coming home regularly (weekends, holidays or as often as she wants).
Money is no real object (I'm happy to pay for accommodation/schooling if it gives us all a happier couple of years before she is officially an adult) and she is bright but not motivated. I have looked at sixth form boarding school but I am not sure if that will be exactly what she wants as there will be an intense being with others whether she wants it or not/lots of rules which I think she will not be too keen on.

I have heard on here a few times about posters with teens that live away and come back at weekend/holidays (there was recently the 17 year old DSS who came home, got drunk and had sex with a random - it was suggested that he lived in a bedsit mid-week).

Do you know of any options that aren't boarding school as such. More like a college with a bedsit or even a job with a bedsit. I'd just like to consider all options with her and google search isn't coming up with much.

OP posts:
celticprincess · 30/03/2023 14:41

She can’t just get a job which comes with accommodation at 16. She has to be in compulsory education or training - so an apprenticeship and I’m not sure many of those come with accommodation. Apprenticeships pay terrible as well. £6 per hour or something. So that’s not going to give her any real idea about living independently. If you are finding her accommodation and say money is no issue then you’re not setting her up for real life when she needs to get a job and pay rent properly - or do you plan to fund her for life.

I see you mentioned boarding school. I’d suspect that would the exact opposite of what she’s requesting!!

cactiminds · 30/03/2023 14:43

Think you’re getting a bit of a hard time here, OP. It doesn’t make you a shit parent at all. I moved out at 16 (but went back home most weekends) and eventually moved back in with my parents a few years later. I struggled hugely with my mental health, and was fiercely independent. Being at home was putting a massive strain on my relationship with my parents and siblings, and having some time away from them every week was really helpful. It made me miss them and appreciate them and all that they did for me. They still supported me and let me know I could come home whenever I wanted/needed. Maybe you could look at options like this - she can stay with this friend for so many nights a week but has to come home for weekends?

Isthisexpected · 30/03/2023 14:50

I think she needs more not less of you. I am really shocked at this situation.

lechatnoir · 30/03/2023 14:50

Well your updates would have been helpful in the op including the fact you were referring to boarding type school/college not kicking her out as you implied.

mindutopia · 30/03/2023 14:50

I had a friend who lived on her own at 16. She got pregnant at 14 and was a bit of a wild child. I think her parents just hit the wall with dealing with her and then a baby on top of that. They had plenty of money and she was an only child. They privately rented her a 3 bed terraced house a few streets away. I remember coming home from school and going over to see her (she had left school at this point or maybe was mostly homeschooling herself with support from a special school). It felt so grown up at the time. She had a dining room with an actual dining table and her own tv and I just remember thinking this seemed so exciting (never mind the screaming toddler).

Looking back now though, she would have been so young. My dd is 10 and I can't imagine her moving out in 6 years (also can't imagine her having a baby in 4 years!). My friend came out largely okay, though has 4 children by 3 different dads and hasn't ever had a successful long-term relationship, but she did go to uni and also did an MSc and has a good job and bought her first house when she was late 20s. But I think that having a child to care for is probably what kept her out of too much trouble. It wasn't much of a party house with a baby/toddler around. But with total freedom, I think it would have been quite a bad situation for her.

SofiaSoFar · 30/03/2023 14:51

25 years ago my cousins (one 16 and one 17) lived together in a house their parents bought for them.

The mum and dad moved 100 miles away for his work. The DC were obviously very much welcome to have gone with them but they didn't want to move - one of the DC was at a college they loved and the other in a very good apprenticeship.

They did absolutely fine but it very unusual even back then and I guess teens are effectively much younger these days.

Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 30/03/2023 14:53

I just wanted to take moment to say what a lovely, intuitive and thoughtful parent you sound. Sometimes, just enforcing rules and not attempting to understand her world is the probably the most alienating thing you can do. It sounds like you are very in tune with her needs and still protective. She is lucky to have you. I’m sure, whether she sees it now or when she’s a bit older, your daughter will really value her Mum attempting to understand her needs and not dismissing them to ‘lay down the law’ as such. I really hope you find a solution to suit you both and allow you let daughter to find her way with a supportive family by her side. All the best! X

LookingOldTheseDays · 30/03/2023 14:59

Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 30/03/2023 14:53

I just wanted to take moment to say what a lovely, intuitive and thoughtful parent you sound. Sometimes, just enforcing rules and not attempting to understand her world is the probably the most alienating thing you can do. It sounds like you are very in tune with her needs and still protective. She is lucky to have you. I’m sure, whether she sees it now or when she’s a bit older, your daughter will really value her Mum attempting to understand her needs and not dismissing them to ‘lay down the law’ as such. I really hope you find a solution to suit you both and allow you let daughter to find her way with a supportive family by her side. All the best! X

WTAF?

The parent who is looking for suggestions re: how to send a 16 year old to live in a bedsit is thoughtful and supportive?

Bear in mind that this girl is currently in year 10, so she's not even been 15 for that long at this point.

misssunshine4040 · 30/03/2023 15:00

I moved out at 16 to work in a stable and live in accommodation was part of the job. I moved out permanently at 17. I was absolutely fine.

LookingOldTheseDays · 30/03/2023 15:00

Just because a 15 year old behaves like a normal teenager and says she wants more independence, that should not be a cue for their parents to look at ways to get them moved out of home ASAP.

Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 30/03/2023 15:03

LookingOldTheseDays · 30/03/2023 14:59

WTAF?

The parent who is looking for suggestions re: how to send a 16 year old to live in a bedsit is thoughtful and supportive?

Bear in mind that this girl is currently in year 10, so she's not even been 15 for that long at this point.

Show quote history

Hi, Look Old These Days. Can I ask have you read her latest post? She’s not looking for a bed sit. She’s confimed she’s looking for a residential school/college with support and has said no to her daughter living in a bedsit with a friend (as far as she can by saying they will not support her financially and will remove her privileges. Hope that reassures you and helps you to calm down! 😂

Clymene · 30/03/2023 15:05

@MsRead - but that isn't a viable suggestion. Home stays are short term hosting of foreign students. They don't even get a key.

It's really not a solution for a teenager who thinks her parents are a bit boring.

Comefromaway · 30/03/2023 15:12

Home stays are not just short term hosting of foreign students. I should know, my daughter lived in a home stay for two years.

Villssev · 30/03/2023 15:14

Clymene · 30/03/2023 15:05

@MsRead - but that isn't a viable suggestion. Home stays are short term hosting of foreign students. They don't even get a key.

It's really not a solution for a teenager who thinks her parents are a bit boring.

There is no definitive rules of a house stay and certainly no “they don’t even have a key” across the board!

RampantIvy · 30/03/2023 15:18

I don't think any of the posters saying that they moved out at 16 realise just how difficult it is these days. No reputable landlord will rent to under 18s and rental property is in short supply.

When DD graduated last year and wanted to share with a couple of friends, all of whom had jobs, they still needed guarantors when they eventually found a flat.

The hoops you have to jumpt through these days for renting is ridiculous. They need to see a scan of your passport, a copy of your bank statement showing the last three months income, a personal photo of the guarantor, your inside leg measurement

The only solution I can think of is boarding school or a further education college that has weekly boarding.

Comefromaway · 30/03/2023 15:19

Comefromaway · 30/03/2023 15:12

Home stays are not just short term hosting of foreign students. I should know, my daughter lived in a home stay for two years.

Sorry, 18 months as she left early and suddenly due to lockdown.

Comefromaway · 30/03/2023 15:20

They even phoned my employer rampant when I was dd's guarantor for a room in a shared house.

RampantIvy · 30/03/2023 15:23

Comefromaway · 30/03/2023 15:20

They even phoned my employer rampant when I was dd's guarantor for a room in a shared house.

I have just remembered. I had to give my employer as a reference.

Ripleysgameface · 30/03/2023 15:25

@Villssev
It was/is.

It's hard to even maintain a relationship. We have a video call once a week and communicate on Snapchat of all things.

I'm pleased and proud of him in so many ways as the opportunity he was offered was excellent and had to be taken but that opportunity was in London so that's where he had to go (premier league sport).

There have actually been some wobbles where he wanted to come home, once the reality hit with a different home life I think but he wants to stay committed so that's where we are.

jumpingbean1810 · 30/03/2023 16:29

@mucky123 hi, I went to a sixth form college (albeit in the 90s). Maximum class sizes of six. Lecturers all called by their first names, we all lived in off site houses with a housekeeper who cooked our meals and kept an eye on us. Curfew was 11pm. I have no idea if these sorts of colleges exist anymore but it was focused on 'if you treat them like adults they're more likely to behave like one with mutual respect'. Wasn't always the case, there was plenty of pushing boundaries, drinking etc but personally loved it, formed lifelong friendships, went on to uni with all that stuff out of my system.

tealgate · 30/03/2023 16:38

Take a look at Peter Symonds in Winchester. Very high quality state education and boarding available, at a cost.

TeenDivided · 30/03/2023 16:38

I have skimmed the thread. Have see re boarding at an Agricultural college - that does of course rather depend on whether she has any interest in those courses.

Another option which has probably been mentioned somewhere is an Apprenticeship. She'd be earning some money and feeling more independent. You could maybe 'relax rules' if she is earning her own money.

In theory there are rent a rooms etc but I am not sure who would rent to a 16 yo.

TeenDivided · 30/03/2023 16:41

tealgate · 30/03/2023 16:38

Take a look at Peter Symonds in Winchester. Very high quality state education and boarding available, at a cost.

Having looked at the PS boarding recently for another reason it seems quite 'school like' wrt the boarding.

PaulaVerlaine · 30/03/2023 16:43

Just because she is fiercely independent does not mean she has the ability to deal with leaving home at 16.
Infact DD sounds very immature and naive- a hazardous combination with "fierce independence".
What is "fierce independence"? Actual emotional maturity, resilience, the wisdom and practical knowledge to live without parents???..... or just a stroppy reluctance to observe boundaries?
How does she display her fierce independence? Does she study conscientiously without prompting from you? Does she organise her own appointments for health and mental care? Does she manage her money well?: budget / save for her clothes/ phone/ Netflix/ going out? Does she ever cook for herself/ for you? Does she keep her own room clean and take responsibility for looking after herself e.g. do her own laundry?? A 15 year old who does this kind of stuff is fiercely independent. Someone who strops at their parents is not.

ouchmyteeth · 30/03/2023 16:51

My best friend moved out at 16. If I remember she went to a hostel then was housed in a bedsit, rent was very cheap as it was council. She worked and did college part-time. Her mum didn’t have a say in it, my friend just left one day because they just did not get on and it was very toxic. Not a good situation all round and she didn’t really feel like there was any other option for herself. Definitely not something to just casually choose.

This was a while ago though, 2011 ish! I think it was easier to get council accommodation in my city than now, she also got some benefits/financial support from which I have no idea if that would still be available.

Is it still legal to leave home at 16? 🤔