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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Octopusmittens · 30/03/2023 16:07

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:08

Your 13 year old isn't keen on him yet you have him almost living with you Hmm

Have a word with yourself.

This

You need to examine your priorities and ditch this freeloader.

Nocutenamesleft · 30/03/2023 16:09

You don’t want the 5tr old in your space because of selfish reasons.

yet you’re teaching your daughter that you A) don’t care about her reasons or and B) her space doesn’t mean anything because regardless of if she hates him or dislikes him. She has to see him 7 days a week

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!

and tough shit basically….

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 30/03/2023 16:11

You sound as bad as each other. Good luck.

RedToothBrush · 30/03/2023 16:33

Nocutenamesleft · 30/03/2023 16:06

Sheesh.

Show quote history

Wow.

So the daughter is used to Mum hooking up with blokes and them either moving in or getting Mum pregnant. And Mum says her daughter has no reason to dislike the current loser boyfriend?

Mum doesn't get that if someone is there 7 nights a week they have already moved in. And this puts her potentially at risk of being accused of claiming single person benefits she's now no longer entitled to, because someone else has moved in. The new boyfriend has no concept of / doesn't care how him moving in by stealth might affect Mum financially and legally...

Mum then goes on about her space being invaded by a 5 year old with no irony at all with regards to her daughter. Who will clearly see the double standard. Especially if she has to look after the 5 year old at all, whilst Mum is loved up with the latest guy. The daughter would be happy getting the attention she had previously. Well no shit sherlock.

Cocklodger, who apparently hasn't moved in, now wants his daughter to have free bed and board, but Mum is oblivious to the ultimatiums and how he's getting his feet under the table - something I have no doubt the OP's daughter can see clear as day.

LooseGoose22 sums up the dickhead boyfriend perfectly. Anyone with sense would run for the hills.

Its almost as if the OP is hooked on dubious relationships and selfishly puts these men first without regard to any level of good sense.

Want to bet if this one is kicked to the curb, there will be another within twelve months, who is equally feckless.

OP break the cycle, address your low self esteem and start looking at how you can spot red flags and bad relationships better.

AspectArea · 30/03/2023 16:35

OP break the cycle, address your low self esteem and start looking at how you can spot red flags and bad relationships better.

hear hear.

foxlover47 · 30/03/2023 16:39

Sorry but I wouldn't have someone with me every night and kid myself we aren't living together , but before that if my daughter didn't like
Him he wouldn't be there regardless. It's her home , her safety and her space with her mum
Trust me they grow up quick , enjoy not having cock lodgers come between you both because he will.

gerbilcrocus · 30/03/2023 16:40

So he spends almost every evening and night with you... Sounds like he's living with you to all intents and purposes to me.

GinIronic · 30/03/2023 16:43

AspectArea · 30/03/2023 16:35

OP break the cycle, address your low self esteem and start looking at how you can spot red flags and bad relationships better.

hear hear.

This a thousand times. Stop thinking I must have a man in my life - and any man will do.

DrManhattan · 30/03/2023 16:43

Nah get rid now. Hes never gonna care about you as much as his little princess.

gerbilcrocus · 30/03/2023 16:45

Im the olden days, people like the OP would have just gone on Jeremy Kyle...

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 30/03/2023 16:47

So hes not paying rent and expects you to do free child care. If he lived with you and paid his way and you agreed to look after her then it would be different but that's not the set up.

sjxoxo · 30/03/2023 16:47

I’d reconsider him based on the one fact your daughter doesn’t like him much.
I would also see him having 2 kids by 2 different women as a red flag tbh. And then him being U about coming to stay when really he’s half living with you as taking the piss… If he is living with his Dad for health reasons (either of them) then fine but if it’s any other reason I’d be rethinking…..

Moser85 · 30/03/2023 16:52

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

A 50/50 split means he would have his child 50% of the time.
Sounds more like he wants 50% of his weekends free 😂

When does he see the other child?

Agree with all the others too, this is extremely unfair on your daughter.

gerbilcrocus · 30/03/2023 17:00

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 30/03/2023 16:47

So hes not paying rent and expects you to do free child care. If he lived with you and paid his way and you agreed to look after her then it would be different but that's not the set up.

I expect the OP does all the cleaning too, despite the fact he's there almost as much as she is.... but that's fine because it's not like he's living there Hmm

Ariela · 30/03/2023 17:06

Listen to your 13 year old daughter.

I have a friend who, since her relationship with her now 18 year old daughter's dad broke up 14-5 years ago or so, has had 4 boyfriends in that time. No 1 and 2 daughter didn't really like then a long gap, No 3 she wasn't keen on but tolerated, however no 4 she adores.
My opinion of her 4 boyfriends agrees with her daughter's opinion. No 4 is a gem, a keeper. Polite, considerate, thoughtful, helpful, nothing too much trouble, always puts others before himself.

Kennykenkencat · 30/03/2023 17:12

When someone who is supposed to love you and be in a relationship with you gives you an ultimatum and one of the options is leaving, to me that says that person doesn’t love you enough to stay if the thought of leaving has actually crossed their mind and they are willing to do that if you don’t do what they want.

I agree that the arrangements that he has with his Dd are really not good for his child and I would suggest he sorts those out and maybe drops her back maybe the night before instead of the early morning dash for school

Maybe on the days he has her he looks after her and stays with his father. That will give you and your Dd time to yourselves.

I find it odd that you say your 13 year old is semi independent. Is it because with your bf at the house every night she stays out of his way by being out all the time.

13 year olds shouldn’t be described as semi independent and I think if that is how you describe her I think work needs to go into your relationship with her.
It isn’t an overnight fix but a long process.

I do think there are red flags flying with this particular guy and I do think. You need to move on but next time don’t be quick to introduce your new guy to your Dd and make sure it is done in a very gradual way and give her some breathing space between visits.

NatashaDancing · 30/03/2023 17:16

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

I think you and this bloke should both prioritise your children over your shagging opportunities.

MysteryBelle · 30/03/2023 17:24

He’s not a keeper. Throw him back.

Nocutenamesleft · 30/03/2023 17:27

NatashaDancing · 30/03/2023 17:16

I think you and this bloke should both prioritise your children over your shagging opportunities.

Show quote history

Harsh :) lol

Ludo19 · 30/03/2023 17:29

NatashaDancing · 30/03/2023 17:16

I think you and this bloke should both prioritise your children over your shagging opportunities.

Show quote history

To the point but 100%

OP a 13yr old is by no means semi independent. Also she doesn't like him so I'd listen.

You've won a watch bagging a man who has two kids to two different women and now lives with his dad.

Now you've spat the dummy and will only listen to the advice you want.

Stop thinking woth your muff and raise your standards ffs.

MysteryBelle · 30/03/2023 17:31

He is an absolute loser in all respects, Op. Set your bar way higher. I mean, it’s down in the depths of the earth’s crust right now.

Drop him asap. Go no contact. If you never see him again, it would be too soon.

JMSA · 30/03/2023 17:34

I would NEVER take a partner who was disliked by my daughters.

Thesharkradar · 30/03/2023 17:35

OP, this bloke is just trying to maneuver you into taking on his parenting responsibilities so that he can have more freedom, he's blackmailing you, surely you can see that's a huge red flag?
That demanding job of yours? He'll make things so complicated & stressful that you'll end up giving it up, then he'll move in on you some more and dump his children on you, like a boa constrictor he'll gradually crush the life out of you.
Get rid of the snake

gerbilcrocus · 30/03/2023 17:40

13 year olds shouldn’t be described as semi independent and I think if that is how you describe her I think work needs to go into your relationship with her.

I'm guessing she's had to learn to be semi-independent as her mum spends every evening with her boyfriend.

Avatartar · 30/03/2023 17:42

Accept his ultimatum with both hands and walk away, he’s a drain and damaging your relationship with your DD. Pushy, looser.