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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NoTouch · 30/03/2023 17:46

13 year olds shouldn’t be described as semi independent and I think if that is how you describe her I think work needs to go into your relationship with her.

Agree with this. The teen years are the probably the hardest years of all and when they need you more than ever.

FacebookFun · 30/03/2023 17:47

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/03/2023 17:47

I'm not quite sure what you class as the "positive" responses that you want - but this is meant with the best interests of (a) your daughter (and I am putting her first because I - like many on here - know the damage that a parent not putting their child first can do and it's lifelong) and (b) you.

This is not a good or nice man. Any man who makes that kind of ultimatum is not a good or nice man.

Prioritise your child. Give him his marching orders and stick to it.

Silentmama · 30/03/2023 17:54

He's pushed for 50/50 so he doesn't' have to pay maintenance.

You don't' want that man in your life.

Let him go!

Thesharkradar · 30/03/2023 18:00

He's pushed for 50/50 so he doesn't' have to pay maintenance
and he intends for OP to be doing his part of the 50/50

rogueone · 30/03/2023 18:01

All I can see is you rushing into a relationship and having him in your home 7 days a week . your DD doesnt like him but you 'dont' care. You are only concerned now when you realise he wants you to provide childcare for his DC. He saw MUG stamped on your head. Your DD will be off out the door as soon as she can as she has grown up with a mother who puts only herself and the needs of her boyfriends first

Playingchesswithpigeons · 30/03/2023 18:02

This post does make me sad ! OP hasn't realised/remembered that there are some members who randomly, or sometimes for a reason/recollection will refer/check other OP's posts.

OP states around 12:15 she is neither going to comment or read anything further from that point.

Don't think so, curiosity killed the cat and so on and so forth ...😐

I'm sad because OP clearly needs to be in a relationship. The current one having 2 other children, with 2 other partners, living with is dad, but sleeping 6/7 at hers, paying for food sometimes.🙄

She has no comprehension of any red flags, that so many poster's see & only writes to ask, how she can do more to appease her fella ! Living with a very impressionable, pubescent teen, struggling at school, specifically stating she's not keen on her mum's fella sharing her home and this is ignored.

The post has just highlighted, just how common so many other women ( statistically) put up with crap/abuse/mediocracy rather than be on their own.

Be well OP and hope you see your worth and your daughter's, eventually.☀

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 18:03

Your DD will be off out the door as soon as she can as she has grown up with a mother who puts only herself and the needs of her boyfriends first

And will be very vulnerable as a result.

rogueone · 30/03/2023 18:07

LooseGoose22 totally agree

Thesharkradar · 30/03/2023 18:08

why is a grown man with children living with his dad?
He may say to your face that he agrees you're both not ready to live together but he's just agreeing with you to keep you sweet.
Really he hates the fact you have a good job & your own home when he doesn't and he want's to get his feet under your table, that's what's behind this ultimatum.

Teapleasebobb · 30/03/2023 18:11

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:08

Your 13 year old isn't keen on him yet you have him almost living with you Hmm

Have a word with yourself.

This....
Your daughter should be your priority

hannahsb89 · 30/03/2023 18:22

You say your daughter has no reason to like him, yet you have him living with you? Look at your priorities and get them in check. Your partner is probably behaving this way because if your child’s needs don’t come first for you then why should your needs come first for him?

Bournetilly · 30/03/2023 18:30

YABU for not putting your daughter first. I feel sorry for both your daughters!

Sassyfox · 30/03/2023 18:34

I’ve not RTFT but YANBU

He needs 1-1 time with his child and you don’t live together so he should be having her at his home.

You should also be having 1-1 time with your child and he should not be over so often.

He needs to stay over when he doesn’t have his DD and maybe every other Saturday you all go out as a 4 to somewhere fun.

I’m sorry but he sounds like a cock lodger but can also has the luxury of living at his parents house too. It’s no wonder your DD doesn’t like him.

I’m struggle to understand how you can say your DD isn’t keen on him yet also say that he is there nearly every single day - that’s awful.
Yes she needs to get over and accept you are in a relationship but she should not have to share her personal space every day with someone she doesn’t like.
You are saying about his DD in your personal space but don’t seem bothered about how your DD feels.

Sassyfox · 30/03/2023 18:34

hannahsb89 · 30/03/2023 18:22

You say your daughter has no reason to like him, yet you have him living with you? Look at your priorities and get them in check. Your partner is probably behaving this way because if your child’s needs don’t come first for you then why should your needs come first for him?

👏👏👏👏

farnhamgal · 30/03/2023 18:37

The longer the both of you don't take accountability for the shit show of a 'home' you're creating for these poor 2 kids, the worse it's going to be when you watch your relationship with your DD diminish as she gets older.

Do better for your kid fgs.

WhatTheySaid · 30/03/2023 19:04

OP it's so sad that you describe your 13YO as semi-independent. I have a 12YO DS and as it's just been me and him for a long time we are very close and despite his moody pre-teen phases he still really likes hanging out with his mum. Shopping trips/going out for lunch/cinema/bowling/playing football in the park/movie nights/game nights and this is all so important at this age to keep a close relationship and open communication. But describing your daughter as semi-independent and by the fact a man she doesn't like has moved in or at least is spending every evening in her house it doesn't sound like this is something that is prioritised or made time for and it makes me so sad as it must be so lonely and isolating for her at such a crucial stage. This is how these cycles are created.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/03/2023 19:06

Paq · 30/03/2023 10:05

YANBU. But I do think you are BU for him to be staying so often when your daughter doesn't like it. It's her home too and she doesn't have to have "reasons".

She's BU for introducing them at ALL in less than a year of dating, let alone practically moving the guy in. God, it's just so exasperating.

Why not prioritize your daughter and date discreetly? She doesn't need to meet your boyfriends and you don't need to be dealing with kids outside of the family.

What are you teaching her about relationships, by this behaviour???

raincamepouringdown · 30/03/2023 19:14

Dump him.

He's insistent on the 50/50 schedule which is detrimental to the poor girl because he doesn't want to pay child support. Not a good sign.

Moser85 · 30/03/2023 19:30

But he's not doing 50/50 at all.
He only has the child 2 days per week.

I think he meant 50/50 for weekends so he only has to have his child half of the weekends.

Ambs97 · 30/03/2023 19:32

Hes probably just using you so he can look good in the family court with this 50/50 child arrangements case. He knows by staying at yours 7 days a week and bringing his child to yours that he can then get custody of his child/children as he will practically have a stable home ( your home). You should think of your daughter in all of this, she obviously doesnt like him for a reason because hes up to no good.

Moser85 · 30/03/2023 19:35

@Ambs97
He only has the child 2 days a week though, it's not 50/50

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 30/03/2023 20:10

Not only are you rude OP "nun" up yours" nonsense that youve posted, you are also incredibly selfish and you obv have self esteem issues. You are not going to leave this waste of space. Why come here and ask everyone then? I feel sorry for your daughter. She will leave you as soon as she can. She wont be thinking highly of you. Youve deliberately let this awful man stay in her home. You are not doing the right thing.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/03/2023 20:41

There's no point to the thread really, op has the emotional maturity of a teenager who can not take any personal responsibility of her own poor choices and actions whilst prioritising a man that uses her over her own child that is clearly struggling and needs more attention.

There are too many of these type of
"mothers" to count unfortunately, selfish and unwilling to do the right thing.

gumball37 · 31/03/2023 00:02

Cut your losses.