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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SunscreenCentral · 31/03/2023 00:10

I don't think you're prioritising your daughter. At all.

And 13 year olds are not "semi-independent", by any stretch of the imagination.

This guy sounds like a piece of trash frankly.

MintJulia · 31/03/2023 00:20

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:08

Your 13 year old isn't keen on him yet you have him almost living with you Hmm

Have a word with yourself.

This, He's a user, Your dd can see it but you can't. Get rid of him.

PinkSyCo · 31/03/2023 00:21

Wtf he is basically living in your house rent free and thinks he has the right to bully you to allow his DD to stay half the week too! No wonder your DD doesn’t like him. It seems that she has her wits about her more than you do. Do right by her and tell the cocklodger to do one.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/03/2023 00:56

TomatoSandwiches · 30/03/2023 20:41

There's no point to the thread really, op has the emotional maturity of a teenager who can not take any personal responsibility of her own poor choices and actions whilst prioritising a man that uses her over her own child that is clearly struggling and needs more attention.

There are too many of these type of
"mothers" to count unfortunately, selfish and unwilling to do the right thing.

Exactly. "Mothers" who will sacrifice their offspring for any lowlife loser who gives them a second glance. I really despair sometimes.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/03/2023 00:59

he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split

Well, it's not 50/50 if he doesn't take her to or pick her up from school.

Why does he not do this?

EOW is NOT 50/50.

I would suggest that he stays at his place and sorts out his life and that you prioritise your daughter.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/03/2023 01:00

And what's going on with his other child? Does he want that one to move with you too?

Seriously; red flags all over the place.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2023 02:09

I voted YABU because you are totally ignoring your dd and her feelings because it suits you.

Your wants are totally over riding her needs.

Oh and also because you have clearly stated that you posted here to get validation that you are right because you will "not respond to negative" reactions.

Here is an idea love, grow up, put your poor kid first and ditch the loser. Clue to him being a loser ..... two kids by two different mothers and only one he has contact with but on HIS terms rather than what is best for the child.

But you wont will you? You will continue to put a cocklodger above your own child and then will be back here in ten years, utterly baffled that you daughter has cut you off......

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2023 02:11
Red Flag Stop GIF by Richard Childress Racing

Ahem....

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2023 02:11

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2023 02:11

Ahem....

That was for your DD by the way.....

JimmyHalpert · 31/03/2023 02:13

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:08

Your 13 year old isn't keen on him yet you have him almost living with you Hmm

Have a word with yourself.

This.

MarshaMelrose · 31/03/2023 02:29

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually

Nothing to do with your daughter but based on his ultimatum - making threats is so wrong - rather than phasing his daughter in, I'd be phasing him out.
2 kids and he's living at home with his dad, expecting his latest girlfriend to accommodate his child to fulfil his demand for 50:50...what a catch! I'd chuck him back.

PollyThePixie · 31/03/2023 03:05

If you can’t see him for what he is, and if you can’t see this situation for what it is, you must be as blind as a bloody bat.

Mothership4two · 31/03/2023 03:34

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

Well then it's over isn't it? It's not about you or what you want OP, it's all about him. How dare he make demands when he is basically a guest!

Adding to the chorus: it is unfair and basically poor parenting for your DD to have your BF there 7 days a week whether she likes him or not and she doesn't. It's also unfair on his DD to spend her dad's time with you and your DD. I doubt his ex is thrilled about that if she is aware.

👢

Equalitea · 31/03/2023 04:12

It sounds pretty obvious to me why your daughter wouldn’t like him.
I don’t understand why he’s practically living with you for free and especially when she dislikes him.
You don’t want a 5 year old there a few days a week but aren’t giving any consideration for your daughter not wanting him there, you’re letting him stay all week? You say that you need 1:1 time with your daughter as one of the reasons his daughter can’t stay, but he stays or was staying every night?
Get rid of the man, he’s a free loader and probably worse. Give your head a wobble and prioritise your daughter.

CheekyHobson · 31/03/2023 05:22

OP won't be back. Amazing how she can have such strong 'boundaries' here when people are giving her a dose of reality but such weak ones when it comes to her delusion of a relationship.

BethDuttonsTwin · 31/03/2023 06:17

I feel really sorry for your powerless 13 year old having to live with some random male she doesn’t like. You’re making her unhappy! Stop it.

thegrain · 31/03/2023 06:20

Nah come on. He's moved in with you basically. What's this about having to take her to his dads? Does he actually have a home of his own?

Autienotnautie · 31/03/2023 06:23

Firstly why doesn't your daughter like him? If it's genuinely the case that it could be anyone and she wouldn't want them there. I would date but I wouldn't be bringing a partner into the house. This is your dd home too she deserves not to have someone there she doesn't feel comfortable with. But I would also listen to why she's not keen she may have a good reason.

You are right to not have his dd at yours every time he has her. They need time together and his routine doesn't work for you. I'd consider if this is right for you and your dd based on his reaction.

Sunflowergirl1 · 31/03/2023 06:23

Lol. What a cheek he is. Cocklodger in the making already. Why do you even find this a beneficial relationship?
incredible frankly

StressedToTheMaxxx · 31/03/2023 06:34

Jeez I wouldn't have introduced my daughter to a man I hadn't even been seeing for a year, let alone having him practically living with us. Your poor daughter.

Maray1967 · 31/03/2023 06:53

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:08

Your 13 year old isn't keen on him yet you have him almost living with you Hmm

Have a word with yourself.

Agreed. Get rid of this user. You should not be inflicting him on your daughter.

BusyMum47 · 31/03/2023 07:00

2 kids by 2 different women & lives at home with his dad?? Ugh. I'd be chucking him VERY quickly!!

He's taking the piss every which way, your daughter doesn't like him & he's got the nerve to issue ultimatums??

clpsmum · 31/03/2023 07:03

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:08

Your 13 year old isn't keen on him yet you have him almost living with you Hmm

Have a word with yourself.

This. You don't sound selfish and not very nice tbh

Floofydawg · 31/03/2023 07:12

Get him in the bin right now. Your poor daughter.

OperationMalena · 31/03/2023 07:12

Some of you on here amaze me. Your DD doesn't like your boyfriend and he stays round 7 nights a week. I wouldn't want some bloke not related to me staying in my house either.

Honeslty, there is not a man alive on this planet that I would put above my own 2 DC and that includes my DH and my own father. One of my friends recently divorced her DH of 25 years because he was being horrible to her DD. I totally respect her for this.