AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

[MNF2021]

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

• Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
• On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

Your daughter isn't keen on him and he is round 7 nights a week? Really? She won't like him any more by being forced to share HER home with him.

As for not showering at yours, when does he shower then if there seven nights a week? Surely he works when he isn't there.

I don't think it is fair on either of your children to be thrust into essentially sharing a home when you view yourselves as not living together yet he is constantly there. I'm sure the child's mother can't be overly keen on that set up. It's hard enough for kids that age having separated parents, now you're suggesting she come stay at a strangers home because heaven forbid you didn't spend 7 nights a week together?

all those that are giving out to the op cos her daughter doesn’t like him….

in this instance I think the man is not good for op but surely there are some times when children / young people do not like ANY partner no matter how nice they are just because they would rather it still be just them and their mum especially if it’s been that way for a long time

and then what is the mum supposed to do? Just remain single forever ?

Apparently he's adamant that he wants a 50:50 split, and yet currently he's spending every, or almost every, evening at the OPs, implying he's not seeing much of his DD at all at the moment!

As a single mother, I will ALWAYS put my child before any man. My child is also disabled. So if they didn't want a man on the scene, then I would remain single, yes. I would rather be single and my child be comfortable than have some man invade her space and make her feel uncomfortable. It isn't a crime to stay single.

Your poor 13 year old being forced to live with a man she doesn't like

Cocklodger alert. And now he’s going to expect you to parent his 5 year old too.

End it. Your poor daughter!

Does he take care of the daughter when you are all together or is she your responsibility? I would say after just 1 year him practically living with you and having his daughter there is moving too fast. It might be unsettling for both of your children.

A man who currently lives with his dad and has moved himself into your house 7 nights a week without paying bills despite your own daughter not liking him has given YOU an ultimatum?!

If this was one of your friends, what advice would you give?

Oh well, RIP relationship 👋

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US

The problem is MNF2021 dismisses her dds feelings as being almost selfish that her daughter just wants it to be her and her mother. What the underlying issue is that in writing down this statement on here and probably verbalising this to her Dd I don’t think MNF2021 has realised what that statement actually means

The Dd is saying that her mother is No1 in her eyes
But MNF2021 is replying with
Whilst you might put me as No 1 in your eyes. As my daughter you only rank no 2 as my boyfriend is my top priority

It’s almost like she dismisses anyone including her Dd because they don’t agree with what she is doing

I have a mother who took everyone at face value. She didn’t seem to see the little facial expressions or double meanings when people said things
Sarcasm and jokes went over her head.

I feel that there is little awareness of how other people might feel in situations. She can only see what is on the surface and her feelings.

Just end it, it's not going to work. He doesn't even live with you and he's giving you an ultimatum?

Yes! Until the child is an adult.

Why is that so difficult to comprehend? The child is the priority.

I know. Some women have zero standards.

I haven't read all 17 pages.
Why does he live at his dad's and not independently?
If he wants his child 50/50 he needs to provide her with his own home and as much stability as possible.
I think you need much clearer boundaries about your home and that if he has his dd 50/50, his dd's time is spent at his funded home, not yours.
If he doesn't like that, then tough- he is showing his true colours.

Finally op, I think children have a good sense of a wrong un. Combine that with being 13 and this is a recipe for disaster. A good and worthwhile man would also be considering the impact on your dd, her feelings, thinking ahead to all of your futures rather than the now.

This reads so wrong on so many levels and I can't see where this man has yours or your dd's best interests at heart. You come as a package; as he and his dd come as a package. Both packages need to be respected and logically blended together they do not and cannot work together at present. Therefore they need to be separate and respect here equals compromise which seems to be absent. Marriage and long term relationships depend on mutual compromise in many ways.

You're not being g unreasonable re his daughter at all. However, what really struck me about your post was the fact your daughter doesn't like him and you've practically moved him in after a year!! This is terrible. Even if he's a lovely man and there's no reason to dislike him you should still be putting your daughter's feelings first. Children come first. This is her home and she has to put up with his presence every day. Surely you both need to slow down, focus on your children and only let him stay a couple of times a week.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

your child can still be your priority and you can have a relationship if you want one

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

i don’t think it’s fair to expect mothers to remain single

most dads don’t 🤷‍♀️

I believe in equality

LuckySantangelo35
I don’t think it’s fair to expect mothers to remain single

You don't have to live with a man in order to date him.

OPs daughter is 13, She's not a baby and when a useless man is at close quarters she'll be able to see through him.

Are you so desperate for male company that you will put a man above the feelings of your daughter ? Get rid of him before you are number 3 woman with number 3 child. Any woman who puts up with someone like this needs a shake. Have some self respect !

Why does it have to be all or nothing? In the current situation the daughter is unhappy and the mum's boyfriend is ALWAYS in her home. Sounds like doesn't get any time at home or with her mum without him being there. She's only 13, it's a tricky age. OP has only known him a year.
In this situation, yes I'd have a boyfriend but my daughter would be my priority and I'd see my boyfriend a couple of nights a week. Soon the daughter will be older, more independent, probably have more of a life outside the house and the boyfriend's presence will have less of an impact. I think it's too soon the be moving this man in when the child is unhappy.
Isn't also better for him and his daughter to have quality time together rather than always be at his girlfriend's house with her daughter?
It doesn't seem a good situation for either child. The adults are both being very selfish.

Cocklodger

The only think you're being unreasonable about, I think, is your daughter.

Why are you allowing him to be around so much when she doesn't like him?!

Have you even explained to him that you need some time alone with her?

I'm sorry but it sounds like he is determined to force his family into yours and potentially at the expense of your own child!

Questions. Which should have long since given you pause, OP.

He has 2 children by 2 different women. He shares care 50/50 for a DD who is 'young' but already at school. When does he see his other child? How old are they? Does he support them and their mother at all?

Does he work? What is he doing with his earnings? Because he's not providing a home for himself or for either of his children. He's not paying rent/mortgage and utility bills anywhere. (I assume this is why he can't actually stay with his father.)

Why would you want a man who either doesn't work, or does work but squanders his earnings and/or hoards them for himself? Who has 2 children with 2 separate women, but doesn't provide a home for either child or for himself?

Make sure you use foolproof contraception, especially as this has been an issue for you in the past. This guy has a pattern. He likes to get women pregnant, then dodge his responsibilities as a father.

We really need to licence for parenthood.

He's taking the piss every which way, your daughter doesn't like him & he's got the nerve to issue ultimatums??

He sounds like a complete waste of oxygen.