Boyfriend’s kid wants to go to private school

[Limegreencurtains]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are going well. We have been discussing the eventuality of us moving in together although neither of us are quite ready yet. I have young children from a previous relationship as does he. Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all. I am shocked at the cost and the fact his ex would expect him to cover all expenses. I can’t help but imagine that this is now going to affect our future. Do I have the right to bring this up or is it none of my business? I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to. Last year, just before I met his kid, he asked if they were ok with Dad having a girlfriend to which they replied, they thought it was fine as long as he didn’t stop buying them stuff. The kid and ex are high maintenance and I personally feel my boyfriend is seen as the bank of Dad. We both come from humble backgrounds. He earns £50000 a year and I work part time. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

@SquidwardBound ah there is is....misogynist 💤 YAWN. Typical MN reply.

The idea that women are all poor and parasitical is misogynistic.

You're very attached to this 31k figure, aren't you? It assumes a private school at the much cheaper end of the spectrum given that he wants to pay it all, plus omits the possibility of continuing to pay maintenance and a share of other costs such as uniform, trips etc. There's no basis at all for any of that.

But no, the replies would likely be different because it would be a totally different thread then. And you presumably wouldn't be trying to draw silly comparisons between one party on 31k (or less) with no entitlement to any other financial support and one party who, if they were on the same wage, would be entitled to state support.

Basically, the existence of the school fees is such an important part of this scenario that if you remove them, comparisons are going to be nonsensical. Indeed, if they were living together and both on 31k each without there being any school fees, the household would still receive child benefit for the OPs two children and it wouldn't preclude UC for childcare costs, maybe even housing depending on where they live.

But we don't know what arrangement is in place with the child's mother, or what her financial situation is. Maybe she really wants the dc to go to private school and is happy to accept the payment of school fees in lieu of maintenance?

It is really for the boyfriend to consider if/how he can make it work financially. That is not the OP's concern. What the OP does need to consider is a)whether he will be in a position to make an equal contribution to the household that would enable them to live the kind of lifestyle that she wants, and b)whether she wants to blend families with one child having so much more spent on them than the other children. For me, it would be a flat no, in her situation.

That is because you have raised your other expenditure to meet your income. Not because fees are unaffordable on >£200k income.

And at what point has anyone on this thread said that? You've just made that up yourself.

My scenario was if this man was on £31k and OP said she wasn't happy with his salary, what would the responses be. Because that's basically what's being said here.

How can he afford private school on £50k per year? Has he actually done the sums?

Obviously, it will depend on where you are, but private primary schools around here are circa £4k to £6k per term. With the best will in the world, I don't think his salary will go that far unless the ex pays half.

Does he have more than 1 DC? If so, he will have to calculate for them as well

So you both have children from previous and don't want any together?

So you're not setting up a family home and your finances can just be separate?

that's not the same as a relationship where you're starting out and starting a family. That would be difficult and you probably wouldn't want to do it with someone who was already committed to their own family, which he is even though he's not romantically involved with the mother - neither are many husbands.

He already has a family.

If he's just your boyfriend then cool. I can't imagine sharing my finances with someone, it's too tricky and you'd have to be on exactly the same page and without a family already for that work. Otherwise it would just be a whole hassle you could do without.

It's a tricky one, OP.

If he is willing to pay to send his kid to private school then that's his decision and not technically anything to do with you. In reality, if he would be stretching himself financially by doing it, that does have an impact on the standard of living you would enjoy together.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking him how much private school will cost and how he's planning to pay for it. If it means that he's spending over half his income on school fees, you'll have to decide whether you want to have a long term relationship with someone who can't afford to do nice things unless you pay for them.

If it means that he's spending over half his income on school fees, you'll have to decide whether you want to have a long term relationship with someone who can't afford to do nice things unless you pay for them

OP works part time with a couple of children to bring up. How is she going to afford to do nice things unless he pays for them?

Obviously, we don't know the full story here - OP may be a higher earner, even on part time wages. She may own outright or have a tiny mortgage. Even a lottery win or inheritance.

The devil is in the detail with this one, I think.

They don't live together so I assume he is not currently funding the OP's lifestyle.

Lots of people have said that the OP is just annoyed because she thought she’d bagged a £50k earner (the implication being that she’s looking for him to pay for her).

“Did his £50k appeal to you as a way of subsidising your own part time salary OP?”

“Is his £50k minus private school fees still more than your part time wage?”

“Seems he has a nice income to me for her considering she only works part time”

And so on.

Being concerned that a man you might live with is making financial decisions beyond his means does not mean that you are upset he won’t be able to pay for your life. It’s totally reasonable to consider whether his choices will curtail your current lifestyle (which you pay for!)

You need to have a sit down and work out how it would all look/work and how you see your futures and if you are on the same pages. His priority will be, and should be, his kid and your priority will be yours. You obviously have a lot of life experience and should be able to sit down and have open and frank conversations, these are important things to get out in the open.

If it is important to him to send his dc to private school the consequences of that are his choice, but it probably makes you financially incompatible for living together for the next 12+ years.

Also think about things such as child benefit or any other benefit. With a £50k salary if he moves in you might lose this soon.

Do you want kids with your next partner? (sound like you have enough between you already so make sure contraception is rock solid) If you do you are not compatible.

Doesn't mean you can't continue the relationship if you are happy living separately long term.

It doesn't matter how much he is earning or not earning. He could get a second job if he wanted to.

From the ex's perpective: she wants to give her child the best, and if that is private schooling then it's private schooling. IF your partner wants to fund it, then he can fund it. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Whether they are "high maintenance " or not, has nothing to do with you, and you are not in a position of strength to comment. The ex wants the best education for her child which costs money. That it may affect your future plans with your partner is irrelevant to her because you are not her priority. You are not in the picture.

You claim that they see your partnerhas bank of Dad...well he is. He has to provide for his child. But your own chlldren also have their own bank of Dad.

If the parents want to send the child to private school, it is for them to figure out how to do it. May be mother has come into some inheritance, you never know. Your argument is that there is not enough money for private school, but that would leave more money for you and him. You have no right or position to have input in the child's future education.

From your perspective: You see all this money go down the drain for private education, money that can help you build a more comfortable life with your partner

. But it's NOT your money. It is his money.
You will always come second.

Umm, how the heck would he be able to afford private on that salary?! I am sorry, but he would not be able to afford private on that salary.....after tax, most of his salary would be covering the cost of private school. How would he pay rent and bills? No way.

Surely the only thing to do is sit together and work out how finances will be if you live together? Number on paper or in a spreadsheet should show up the assumptions that you're both making at the moment, and then you can discuss those assumptions.

From a neutral position, assuming your children are school age and not pre-school, you're both making big financial decisions by presuming part time working and by presuming private school. Writing down your joint costs and joint incomes will show whether those assumptions are both possible and then you can talk about what could change to make the sums add up.

Martin Lewis has has a good budget spreadsheet to get started with. It lists the most common income and expenditure types and you can add your own. Go through bank statements to make sure you catch every little thing, and be honest about how much you spend on annual things like Christmas and birthday presents. On £50k plus a part time wage, I'd be very surprised if the two of you can afford a house for a family of 4/5 and child maintenance and part time working and private school fees for one or more children.

I say all that as a parent with children in the state and private school systems. I have no problem at all, in theory, with one child going to private and one to state, but the private school fees absolutely can't be allowed to impact the standard of living and out-of-school opportunities that the state school children get.

Ok, that's 3 people and none of them were me so irrelevant to our debate.

I didnt say she wanted her life paying for, I said if he was on £31k and OP came on saying she wished he was on more what would people say.

I'm over it now anyway, considering OP hasn't been back at all to clarify anything people are just pissing in the wind with assumptions and going round in circles with debates.

I dont think 50k is enough to fund a private school. I would definitely have a conversation about the costs if you were to live together.

With ALL these calculations, surely it depends MASSIVELY on outgoings... I know people who fund private schools on relatively low(comparatively) incomes ... But their mortgages are minimal /paid off...

A family member earned close to 250k - ir used to irritate them that everyone assumed they would privately educate... They couldn't afford private ed for their kids as their mortgage was eye watering... (London Borough)

As pp asked, how is going to afford private school on 50k pa?

Will you be giving up benefits when you move in together?

I wish! our day school fees are about £25k. None of them are less than about £21k for secondary

Is his job secure? Could he get another one paying a similar amount easily? Does he have savings to fall back upon - just in case?

I agree with this.

I wouldn't even think about setting up home with him.

You haven't been together very long and this is all getting quite complicated (demanding ex, private school fees etc.). I'd be very careful about making this relationship anything more than casual and I'd ditch it if it became heavy weather (e.g. because he's stressed about money/ wants to move in/ can't afford to do stuff).

At the moment, not your monkeys, not your circus. Do you really want to change this?

He is just your boyfriend at the moment, But you are obviously seeing a future where he subsidises you financially. I don't think you can take that for granted.