Boyfriend’s kid wants to go to private school

[Limegreencurtains]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are going well. We have been discussing the eventuality of us moving in together although neither of us are quite ready yet. I have young children from a previous relationship as does he. Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all. I am shocked at the cost and the fact his ex would expect him to cover all expenses. I can’t help but imagine that this is now going to affect our future. Do I have the right to bring this up or is it none of my business? I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to. Last year, just before I met his kid, he asked if they were ok with Dad having a girlfriend to which they replied, they thought it was fine as long as he didn’t stop buying them stuff. The kid and ex are high maintenance and I personally feel my boyfriend is seen as the bank of Dad. We both come from humble backgrounds. He earns £50000 a year and I work part time. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

I’m a financial adviser and this is what I’d tell a client to do.

Make an excel spreadsheet with ALL your outgoings for both of you. Monthly direct debits, annual costs (car service/home insurance etc ) and less frequent items - if you spend 10k on replacing a car every 5 years, put down £167 a month towards car replacements.

Include food shop, what you spend on Christmas and Birthdays etc. include any savings you make each month.

However much these come to compared to your net incomes - put the surplus (hopefully there is one) in as your “lifestyle” costs. Realistically, if you’ve been accurate elsewhere and included savings if you make any, you’re currently spending this much on lifestyle stuff.

Now redo the spreadsheet including the cost of private school spread over the year. Account for other changes, are you moving together? Uniforms, school trips, travel etc.

consider if it’s acceptable that moving in together makes private school feasible (if it does) for his kid, but does it have any comparable benefit for yours?

If you end up having to reduce lifestyle costs can you actually do this? Do you want to?

My local private school is in the £40k-£50k bracket for fees, I am dying to know which schools he can afford on that salary!

Just enjoy a relationship without living together

I thought exactly the same. I imagine he thinks he'll be able to afford private school because you'll be subsidising him when you live together. Seeing this inequality play out in front of your own children, while you pick up half the tab is going to cause massive massive resentment.

You're right to pause and think hard about what this means for your future as a couple. If I were you, I'm afraid I'd cut my losses. It would be slightly different if he were a high earner and money was no object. But this will impact you and your children and I don't think you'll be able to get past that.

' I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to'

The last part stands out for me. The huge costs aside, you have opposing views on private education and perhaps this is angering you just as much as the cost. If so, you need to respect his view.

I suspect the big issue is actually that OP was hoping that she'd struck gold and her DP's income would be used to subsidise her part time salary, and she's sore that he wants to spend it on child instead!

What a shitty post @mrsm43s. You’ve completely neglected to mention his maintenance commitments. And £50k a year would hardly be ‘striking gold’. It’s a good salary, it’s not a huge salary.

It's good to know the future committments of your boyfriend.

Would depend on whether he was going to contribute fairly to household costs. And without expecting her to subsidise his child maintenance and other child related costs either. Wouldn’t it?

Let’s not start from the misogynist assumption that women are looking for a man to pay for them. Lots of women have assets and decent earning potential. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to subsidise an adult man.

It’s also reasonable to consider the lifestyle implications of your partner’s choices. If you can afford a nicer lifestyle, why would you curtail that so he can send a child to private school?

The answer is to leave him to it and find someone more compatible

That’s presumably for boarding . Most around here are around £15k to £17k . Further north you might find lower.

Would depend on whether he was going to contribute fairly to household costs. And without expecting her to subsidise his child maintenance and other child related costs either. Wouldn’t it?

Let’s not start from the misogynist assumption that women are looking for a man to pay for them. Lots of women have assets and decent earning potential. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to subsidise an adult man.

It’s also reasonable to consider the lifestyle implications of your partner’s choices. If you can afford a nicer lifestyle, why would you curtail that so he can send a child to private school?

The answer is to leave him to it and find someone more compatible

Absolutely none of your business.
To the posters saying you can double the fees with expenses, that is completely false in my experience. My kids go to a private school which their dad pays for. I pay for everything else on my very average salary, and manage fine.

I work part time. My part time salary is considerably more than £50k

He will qualify for a bursary and may not have to pay very much at all!

This - he simply doesn’t earn enough

If the private school is something he wants to provide then maybe you look at your options!

if you want children with him eventually, financially what would that look like?

I have colleagues who earn more than £50k part time. I could work 3.5 days a week and earn £50k.

i also own a house (with significant equity), have a pension and so on.

Not all women are looking for a meal ticket. And they may have good reasons for considering the effect a relationship might have on their lifestyle.

I have no intention of financially subsidising a grown man.

This

@mrsm43s

lol

he’s on 50k a year, he’s hardly a millionaire

get a grip

Our income is >£200k and we find it quite hard to come up with the cash for fees all the time and that's at a relatively cheap school.

He will really really struggle on £50k, it will take over half his income, how does he think he's going to afford it?

It's a pipe dream and I'm sure he will realise that once he starts seriously looking into it.

OP you are only a year in, it's such early days. If he mentions living together just tell him it's not realistic if he is going to fund private school for his child, keep your housing and finances separate and just enjoy the relationship for now. Either than or end it. If he does go through with the private education (which I doubt he will) then do not ever live with him as it will bring up a myriad of issues.

There are an awful lot of assumptions on this thread.

Firstly, there is huge variation in private school fees. Yes, some may cost in the region of £35k-£40k per year, but there are plenty more in the £12-15k range, especially in some parts of the country.

Then there is the possibility that the boyfriend's dc may receive a significant bursary. Again, the availability and size of these varies enormously, but some schools would certainly award bursaries to parents on that kind of income.

Thirdly, not everyone lives in London or the South East. While it would be tight living on what's left over after paying school fees, it could be perfectly possible in some parts of the country. We also don't know what the boyfriend's living situation is, whether he has a mortgage, or how much he has in savings etc. He might have been saving up for this for years for all we know.

There is the assumption that he must be naive/crap with money for even suggesting this, when he might have a perfectly viable plan.

And finally, there is the assumption that the OP is on a low income just because she is part time, that she must be relying on state benefits and that she is looking for a man to fund her lifestyle. Again, none of those are necessarily the case.

Do people not realise that people's financial situations - income, outgoings and savings - might be significantly different from their own?

The OP needs to come back and clarify her financial position. She might be a professional who can afford to work part time and still bring in a good salary. She may have no mortgage/rent costs.
Otoh, she might lose top up benefits if she lives with a partner and needs to know she won't be worse off because he's overcommitted.

I will say that a child who thinks his dad exists purely to 'buy him stuff' is going to demand all the things that his friends have. And rich friends have expensive things. If the OP is saddled with a Disney dad, that is going to be a problem.

I really think it's very unfair on kids to blend families - they get no say and just have to put up with what parents decide. It's particularly unfair if the children will be raised very differently. I think it's irresponsible to put your children in that situation.

He won’t be able to afford private school, child maintenance and have anything left over.

Hahahahahah sorry that's not realistic on that salary.

Would be a red flag that he hasn't even thought about it. Like are you even in the real world? What else would he not be realistic about?

Is it any more spiteful than the numerous negative comments about the boyfriend? Posters have accused him of wanting to be subsidied by the OP, wanting to sponge off her, be a cocklodger and one even suggested he would want the OP to commit benefit fraud.

Why is it OK for posters to make all those assumptions about him but not to make the same type of assumptions about the OP?

And, really, you don't know its not true. If OP is currently receiving income-related benefits, which most single parent working part-time households do, then she would lose those if he moved him. She would then struggle to pay half the bills.

Everyone seems to be on a massive salary on here. It’s depressing ☹️