Boyfriend’s kid wants to go to private school

[Limegreencurtains]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are going well. We have been discussing the eventuality of us moving in together although neither of us are quite ready yet. I have young children from a previous relationship as does he. Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all. I am shocked at the cost and the fact his ex would expect him to cover all expenses. I can’t help but imagine that this is now going to affect our future. Do I have the right to bring this up or is it none of my business? I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to. Last year, just before I met his kid, he asked if they were ok with Dad having a girlfriend to which they replied, they thought it was fine as long as he didn’t stop buying them stuff. The kid and ex are high maintenance and I personally feel my boyfriend is seen as the bank of Dad. We both come from humble backgrounds. He earns £50000 a year and I work part time. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

Are you absolutely sure that this is the truth? Just that I’m sure my ex husband would have said similar about me i.e. “She arranges all these things and expects me to fund them”, when actually my ASD son was very unhappy and I was trying to arrange for him to be at a smaller, independent school. Same with a private ASD assessment for my other son, which still hasn’t happened.

If you do live together, keep finances separate and definitely don't buy together.

If you are seriously considering having a child with him, I think you need to thing through the ramifications for you.

Firstly, can he contribute equally to your life. Secondly, how would this work in terms of where your joint child would go to school. Could he fund his son AND any other child going private. And if he couldn't, how is he going to justify that - not to you - but to this child. And potentially even to your children as their step dad as it could very much make them feel 'lesser'. How will he handle them potentially having to make sacrifices like family holidays, in order to fund their step sibling's education at no benefit to themselves? And that makes it a fair question to be putting to him.

If the answer he gives, isn't to your liking you need to reassess where you go from here. Is having a child with him a good idea? Do you want the financial burden as a household to support the luxury of private school? And if you don't, are you willing to walk away from the relationship rather than go through the years of resentment you have.

Ultimately I think this is a crunch point in your relationship where you need to decide just how serious you BOTH are about each other and whether you think you can work together, be on the same page about crucial financial decisions that impact your life together and whether you have the same priorities in life.

Given his income and the maintaince he will already have to pay, I do think he needs something of a reality check. If he is in a relationship with you, he has a responsibility to you and to your kids. This is probably lesser than to his own child who should come first - how far that goes and whether thats at the direct expense of your family unit should be up for debate though. Its not the type of decision he can make alone as a result.

Ultimately its for him to make decisions about his son's education alone, but its not for him to make big financial decisions alone. If he does make that decision alone, I think you need to reassess where that leaves you and your kids in the long term.

@Mummyoflittledragon

why on earth do kids need branded sports socks??!

surely all that is setting kids expectations very high? Unless they themselves get really really good jobs they are not going to be able to maintain that level of expense on themselves are they

There is no way he's going to be able to fund this himself.

Why is his son saying what he wants to do?
Surely it's a decision made by a parent? Not a child.

'Oooh daddy, I really want to go to Eton!' Will that be okay?'

What sort of father is he if he's allowing his child to decide? How on earth can a child make such an important decision?

A day school is likely to cost at least £10K a year and many are £20K.
Depends where you live- there are private schools and private schools.

It's your business in as far as it's reasonable to raise it for discussion, however the decision isn't yours. You don't live together and you're not married.
I have no idea what you earn or recieve in child support however if he's on £50k and let's say £15 is going towards his daughter. This leaves £35. Would you be bringing a similar amount to the table, maybe a bit more because presumably you've got your kid in tow.
I cant see how its going to stop you getting a place together, i mean your both managing atm, and surely itll be chaeper living as a unit. That is of course unless you had visions of a much better standard of living than you have now. Were you hoping that he would subsidise you and you kid?

Ah right. Yes. I agree.

It’s totally reasonable that, if you’re considering moving in with someone at some point in the next few years, everyone considers whether that would be in their financial interests.

A man choosing to spend a very significant proportion of his income on school fees is going to affect lifestyle choices for a partner.

Indeed, even for a girlfriend it’s something to consider. It may well mean that he can no longer afford to go for the odd weekend away or that he’ll be cutting back on meals out or something. It’s not unreasonable for her to think through how his decisions will
affect her life and whether that’s something she’s fine with.

It’s not even like it’s unforeseen circumstances that he’s having to adapt to. It’s an active choice. It’s totally fine for someone to think ‘nope. Actually I don’t fancy aligning my lifestyle with his choice to spend his money differently’.

as you say, that’s true whether the issue is him no longer being able to contribute equally to costs or whether she’s expecting him to pay for her.

Even if she’s a ‘gold digger’, this choice would definitely be an indication that she’s digging in the wrong place. 🤣

Firstly, it’s never going to happen because he can’t afford school fees.People need considerably higher salaries to pay school fees.

Perhaps he doesn’t have a good grasp of finances and what his income can and can’t provide. If he provides lots of stuff to ex wife and kids, has he run up debt?

I would say that before you consider moving in with him, an honest discussion about finances is needed. You can both keep your finances separate if you want and probably should, but knowing each other’s situation is vital information. Knowing if someone can manage money or has run up big debts is really important, and for many would be a deal breaker.

He can send his child to a private school if he wants. You become involved in knowing what will be left as shared income and how it affects the lifestyle of all of you. You don't want to end up supporting him.

I went to private school (not TOO long ago) The fees are ridiculous, as are the extras - paying for trips, uniform etc. I had a scholarship and a bursary (fee reduction for low income) and even as a day pupil it was a huge expense.

There’s also the added element of keeping up with the other kids - they notice if you’re not wearing designer gear/second hand uniform and it’s not very pleasant to be the odd one out.

I don’t understand the idea of a child asking for private education - is there something in particular the child is desperate to do e.g. be a footballer? Maybe he thinks going to a school with extra support for those with sporting aspirations would help? That might be doable in a different way… If they’re high achieving then there may be other schools/activities they could look at, too. Plenty of my peers at school came out with v average grades and don’t have a special, shiny job because they went to insert private school name here.

I’d be shocked if this hadn’t come from ex partner - no way I was asking for private school, it wasn’t on my radar until I landed there aged 12.

I looked after kids who went to private school and they were only allowed to buy socks from the school shop. Also hair accessories and winter jackets etc. P.E. Kits all had logos too, also book bags etc.

everything had to be specific length so often had to be tailored a couple times a year as they grew. . Unless you’re good at sewing yourself etc

OP, you have a right to ask if he can meet his half of the expenses at the point and time that you are planning to move in together. He too should ask the same of you at that time.

Until such time that a move is imminent, it really isn't your business to inquire about his expenses particularly as relates to his child. He too might have reservations as to your having children but only working part time.

i once babysat a kids who was turning 12 and his parents left it to him to choose school.

he was stuck because he was very talented at both football and rugby. The free schools had football teams whereas the private school focused on rugby…

Exactly my thought - but then they could look at local clubs etc outside of school?
My school focussed on hockey for both girls and boys, so my cousin (who went after me) had to do rugby in his own time…

SIL had her two youngest in a school that was £8k a term - each! I thought she meant £8k for the pair of them when she first told me the amount. It's not one of the old, posh independents, either.

And the uniform and all the other kit they had to have cost well into 4 figures, as well.

That wouldn't be doable on salary of £50k.

The other thing I just remembered is the HOURS at some of these schools.
I was a day pupil, yet I was expected to be there 8:30-21:00 4 days a week, 8:30-18:00 1 day a week AND we had Saturday school 08:30-14:00…
Not much of a work/life balance for kids, not to mention the poor parent picking up at 21:00 🫠

Maybe he was looking at what he felt the best teams were?

I think realistically he is unlikely to be able to afford. I think his first priority is to his. I think that for him and the child's mother to decide. However, I think you need to consider realistic whether this relationship has any long term prospect. If I was in your position, I wouldn't move in.

Surely if their parents want these children to go to private school then their mother, his ex, should contribute 50% instead of expecting her ex to fund it 100%.

Raising the issue will make you seem like you are only interested in his money. I expect the private school idea will collapse when he actually prices things up.

Interesting and typical of MN that hos ex's role in supporting their child is being ignored, she should be contributing to their education or would she be happy to forgo support payment to allow him to fund theur fantasy of a private education on a relatively modest income. She, the ex, seems to be expecting his new partner to fund her lifestyle.

Unless he is expecting you to pay for all living costs over and above school fees, he cannot afford it on his salary.

£50K IS a higher than average salary, though. The average (median) is £33K.

It's usual to specify the figure before tax when comparing salaries.

Poor troll. They didn’t check their figures before they started the thread.