Boyfriend’s kid wants to go to private school

[Limegreencurtains]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are going well. We have been discussing the eventuality of us moving in together although neither of us are quite ready yet. I have young children from a previous relationship as does he. Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all. I am shocked at the cost and the fact his ex would expect him to cover all expenses. I can’t help but imagine that this is now going to affect our future. Do I have the right to bring this up or is it none of my business? I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to. Last year, just before I met his kid, he asked if they were ok with Dad having a girlfriend to which they replied, they thought it was fine as long as he didn’t stop buying them stuff. The kid and ex are high maintenance and I personally feel my boyfriend is seen as the bank of Dad. We both come from humble backgrounds. He earns £50000 a year and I work part time. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

My dd goes to private school. She chose her school and there were a couple a little cheaper, a couple a little more expensive. The fees 2 years ago were just over 13k. Next year they’re 15k. Plus the bus costs 3 times the cost of the bus to her former secondary. Then there’s uniform. Not too bad for a girl but still cost almost 1k. Dd will wear the same PE kit (all branded right down to football socks), 2 blazers and skirts for the 3 years of private school. Presuming she stays at 6th form, this will be her own clothes plus the PE kit. Boys grow exponentially and blazers are about £90 a pop.

This doesn’t even involve all the trips. His ds is going to want to go with his mates, isn’t he? There are some cheaper trips but a lot of more expensive ones. He is living in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks his salary is enough. However, you would be unreasonable to bring his finances up in relation to you. Better to discuss fees.

1. Private school fees are likely to go up by 20% in a couple of years' time.
2. A child doesn't "choose" to go private; his parents do.
3. If your kids are bright enough, even you could afford to send them there as most schools do 100% bursaries. But you don't want to, so I think you might be incompatible.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

YANBU to ask the tough financial questions and you should. This sort of thing should be discussed anyway, whether or not a man is contributing to private school fees for his child or not. Too many people move in together without having proper financial discussions and it causes major problems later.
It isn't really your business what his maintenance payments are and whether he is paying for private school fees but it is your business as to whether he is financially stable and will contribute on an equal basis if you are living together.
It needs to be really clear before you even start living together who is contributing what and how all bills are to be divided and whether you are going to purchase a house or rent and how those costs will be split - and so on and so forth.
This is to ensure the financial stability of you and your own children. I don't agree with others who are making out you were eyeing up his 50K salary or that it shouldn't be a problem what he spends his money on as you should be financially independent, so the whole discussion is irrelevant. The point is, that you need to avoid a scenario where he moves in and you end up subsidizing his living costs, at the expense of your own children's needs, because his outgoings towards the private school fees mean that he ends up unable to contribute fairly to his new household.

You'd be better off continuing to live separately. Get yourself in a better financial position - ie. going full-time as soon as childcare and so on allows. See how he gets on living on his own and paying private school fees. If you still love each other and, after discussion, think the financial situation is appropriate, then you could consider moving in together. It's far too soon at the moment anyway.

I suspect the big issue is actually that OP was hoping that she'd struck gold and her DP's income would be used to subsidise her part time salary, and she's sore that he wants to spend it on child instead!

Struck Gold?

It's a decent salary but it's not private school, high life kind of money.

Indeed. I don't know why some people are harping on about this guy being some sort of meal ticket. That's not a huge salary and living together might result in the OP losing all sorts of benefits/UC entitlements. So she might be much worse off - it's hard to know either way!

More doable if what he is left with is £50k after tax. OP didn’t specify. he could also arrange with his ex to pay the school fees in lieu of child support.

It’s also entirely possible that he earns more than he’s led OP to believe. It’s not exactly unheard of for people with higher than average salaries to hide that fact when it comes to dating.

How old is your partner's child? i.e. will this be for the next 14 years or, 7 or 5 etc.?

£50k a year salary doesn't buy much private schooling if you need to live off it as well! They are horribly expensive just for the fees, but there will be all sorts of add-on costs like uniform, school trips etc. which really mount up.

Imagine if the OP had said:

“Hi, I am a gold digger looking to leach off a man to enable me to have a lifestyle I have no intention of working for”

Would the answer to the question “Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially?” be different? We might not approve of the motivation but if that were her motivation then surely it would still be reasonable to hold this discussion, perhaps even more so for her partner?!

This is none of your business OP.

You don't live together and it sounds as if he is planning on putting his daughter's education ahead of himself and any future relationship.

Private education is expensive and will certainly have him committed along with possible university support, for possibly a decade.

I think you can definitely speak to him as to how he sees the future, but I would take it that his focus is his daughter.

Not necessarily. Asking how things might affect your financial future doesn’t always mean you are expecting someone to subsidise you. You might totally reasonably be thinking ‘this is my current lifestyle and what I can foresee maintaining; how would moving on with this man affect this?’

The main advice for the OP in the absence of further information would be that she should:

• Be looking to ensure that she maintains her current lifestyle whatever relationship decision she makes.
• Think carefully about how moving in with this man might negatively affect her ability to maintain her lifestyle.
• Be wary of becoming financially entangled a man who is making financial choices that will most definitely curtail his lifestyle.

None of that is about hoping to improve things because he’s subsidising her.

How he chooses to spend his money is obviously his business. But anyone in a relationship with him should think carefully about whether this will negatively affect them and their children.

Neither of my children's independent day schools would have offered much of a reduction on fees. Why should they? Unless they have large charitable foundations built up over centuries, they'd have to charge the other parents more to pay for it. That means that ultimately only low earners and very high earners could send children to the school.

It's unlikely that on £50,000 he will find it easy to pay the fees, unless he has savings.

The way you kept describing his dc as his ‘kid’ sounds very much like you have quite a distaste for the poor child already. The fact that the dc is high maintenance alongside their mother is due to the fact your partner has indulged the mother and allowed it to continue, for that he only has himself to blame. It’s not the child’s fault. That’s poor parenting. You partner sounds like a wet lettuce who is easily manipulated.

Asking about how a partner you might consider living with taking on significant financial obligations in the long term might affect your (collective) future financially is not necessarily being a gold digger. 🙄

It would be stupid not to ask if a big financial decision might affect what a financial future together might look like. Will it mean he cannot contribute equally to the household? Will it mean he has no disposable income to pay his way for days out or holidays? Those are sensible things to consider.

It’s not the OP’s call. But thinking about what life would actually look like with this man is absolutely sensible.

Something isn’t adding up here - £50k is not a high enough salary to fund a private school place.

He won’t be able to afford the fees. We’ve had a 13% increase since 1st September. Last year it was 4.75%, which is the usual fee inflation IME.

Labour plan to add VAT too, which will add a big uplift to costs. I’m expecting a proportion of the class will go to the local junior school instead, which will lead to a higher fee increase at the prep.

It’s not something he should do without forward financial planning.

Does he have savings that he is planning to use? How much maintenance does he pay? These are things we don't know, saying that he can't afford isn't the issue.
Not all independents are very expensive, ours certainly doesn't cost £15k. Trips and uniform costs are comparable with local comps, and all extra curricular activities (except individual music lessons) are free. Definitely no need to keep up with the rich kids. Although if she's high maintenance....

That is why I said “imagine if the OP had said…”. My point is even IF her motivation had been gold digging then it STILL would not be unreasonable to discuss this.

The fact that the dc is high maintenance alongside their mother is due to the fact your partner has indulged the mother and allowed it to continue, for that he only has himself to blame. It’s not the child’s fault.
That’s poor parenting. You partner sounds like a wet lettuce who is easily manipulated.
Agree with this.

The private school fees are neither here nor there to be honest. Plenty of people in my area send their children private on that sort of salary because they have lower living costs. One friend pointed out that private fees were less than the childcare she was paying for her DC before their 30 hours started. It will depend on the boyfriend's living costs and the fees for the school whether he can afford it.

The big issue is that OP is in a relationship with a man who allows his child to demand that he's bought stuff and has far too much say for a child. He sounds like a potential Disney dad.

Ultimately it's his and his ex's decision where to send their DC to school.

I would not even be thinking about moving in with him unless he had a rock solid financial plan for the long term future around -
*tuition fees
*maintenance

The above will undoubtedly impact his disposable income and therefore impact what property you would be able to buy/ rent together - you need to know whether this is palatable for you and your DC.

I still can't fathom how he will pay for this on just £50k (unless he has a trust fund or something like that)

It's a good point about factoring in likely increases once private schools lose their charitable status.

Ultimately though, I think what all this means is this isn't a situation where it's a good idea to blend families and finances. It's currently DPs business and his only OP, so I'd keep it that way by maintaining your separate homes.

Exactly this. Its all relative. We have 2 DCs at private school on joint income of around £100k, both have various academic/sports scholarships, it's a small cheaper end school plus we have no mortgage. Not a chance in hell could we afford it with a mortgage. We are SE so cost of living not cheap at all.

Due to the schools bill increases our fees increased by nearly 10% this year. Our wages definitely didn't increase by close to enough.

It's not really anything to do with you. His kid, his money. I doubt, however, he will be able to pay around 13k min out of a salary of 50k. And that is 50k before tax. The fees are out of his net salary so 13k out of around 35k. I don't see why he would be paying the full amount. Surely he would split it with the child's mother.

It's not worth the mess that your life would become. find someone without the high maintenance ex and bratty kid, They have champagne aspirations and lemonade means. The fact that this subject has not go shot down in flames means that ALL parties in that are idiots

Don't saddle yourself with idiots.

You are probably best living separately just now.