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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband doesn't love me any more

198 replies

Heartshattered · 30/03/2023 04:05

I'm a long time lurker, but have never posted before. My heart is utterly broken. I am married to a wonderful man. We have been together 18 years and have DD9 amd DS6. We had (I thought) a fantastic relationship with shared values, life outlook, personalities and interests. He couldn't be a better father and we are very good parents together.

Two nights ago he told me he was very unhappy. He feels I control and micromanage him amd make him feel undervalued, that I dismiss him and contradict him and make regular sarcastic comments that have eroded our relationship. I was not aware i was doing this, have had no insight into my behaviour but I believe him. Whether it was intentional or not doesn't matter as the effect is the same. Tonight he told me he does not love me any more, and thinks we should separate. He feels numb and empty. He agrees to try couples counselling first.

I am in complete and utter shock that we have reached this stage without me being aware. Our DD has been very ill the last few months and is now recovering. He said my behaviour towards him at hospital etc demonstrated the sharp end of the way I treat him - dismissing his views, contradicting him etc.

We have had huge strains with significant family caring responsibilities, job losses, house moves, relocations, bereavement and my illnesses over the past number of years, and our daughter's illness has now been added to the list of difficult life events.

I can't believe I have caused all of this. I can't sleep or eat and am working and trying not to burst into tears in front of the kids ll the time. I love my DH so so much amd he has treated with nothing but kindness, love and patience throughout our marriage.

I don't know what I'm asking for....a hand hold I guess.

OP posts:

Ofcourseshecan · 30/03/2023 04:12

Sending you a hug, OP. He’s agreed to couples counselling, that’s a good start. I don’t know whether he’s being fair in his comments about you, but talking to each other is the best way forward.

You’ve had a lot of stress and worries the past few years; I hope things settle down and take the pressure off your relationship.

Rafting2022 · 30/03/2023 04:13

Cherchez la femme.

Original poster

Heartshattered · 30/03/2023 04:16

Thank you for your responses. He was very clear that he hasn't met anyone else and I believe him. I think he will have no problem finding someone else if he does leave me. He is a really lovely person.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 30/03/2023 04:21

No he’s not a really lovely person. Dropping all this on you. Making it all your fault.

I too would lay money on another woman. Big money.

Fuckedthen · 30/03/2023 04:23

He feels I control and micromanage him amd make him feel undervalued, that I dismiss him and contradict him and make regular sarcastic comments that have eroded our relationship.

He said my behaviour towards him at hospital etc demonstrated the sharp end of the way I treat him - dismissing his views, contradicting him etc.

Hasn't this come up before or at the time? 18 years is such a long time to have such opposing views of your marriage. Hugs OP.

themodiste · 30/03/2023 04:24

I'm sorry OP, but the first thing I thought reading this was another woman. I hope it's not true, but could you really have been doing all he said with no idea whatsoever? It seems unlikely given how you're talking about him.

AutumnTreacle · 30/03/2023 04:25

We don’t know how true his feeling are, but we do know he’s not brought this up properly with you in the past from what you’ve said, it’s been 18 years, why has he only just mentioned this now? Did he say how long he’s felt this way in silence?

I’m sorry you’re so blindsided, hopefully you can work through things with somebody professional. Assuming this is all non-intentional on your part it isn’t all on you, he’s not communicating how he is feeling either about how you affect him. If he approached your behaviour when he deemed it disrespectful you’d probably have a better understanding and could have addressed it by handling situations in a better way and looking to change.

PSNonsense · 30/03/2023 04:26

From reading these boards men rarely jack in an 18 year marriage/relationship without having someone else to go to. I'm sorry OP.

redheadcurl · 30/03/2023 04:31

Wow so he reckons he's put up with all that for 18 year and never told you how he feels.
Big red flag.
Blame shifting. Playing the victim.
I don't believe him. Sorry

Number24Bus · 30/03/2023 04:32

Whether or not there's another woman, he doesn't sound like a kind person OP. Why didn't he mention any of this earlier? It's VERY unlikely IMO that he's this saint like person and you are the one causing all the problems. Relationships involve two people - he needs to take some responsibility. It's unfair to lay the blame completely on you.

It's good that he's agreed to counselling - can you arrange that ASAP?

Lovingmynewbicycle · 30/03/2023 04:33

I'm afraid I agree with PPs. He is rewriting history to assuage his guilt.

I realise you feel that everything is falling apart. I hope you can stay strong and keep your dignity.

He has been living with this for months, so you'll have some catching up to do. Don't let him take you to the cleaners!

Can you focus on the practicalities. In the long run it's easier than falling apart.

Roselilly36 · 30/03/2023 04:35

So sorry OP, you must be so upset about this sudden change. Sounds like you have had a lot on your plate. I hate to say it but, I have had a few friends in this situation, over the years, unfortunately it has always turned out to another woman on the scene, despite their husband’s denying there was anyone else. So you need to be prepared for this. Good luck going forward OP, wishing you all the best.

Original poster

Heartshattered · 30/03/2023 04:43

My first indication of this was in late 2017 when completely out of the blue he got mad and talked about how taken for granted he felt. I completely owned that. He had given up his dream job to move to where I wanted to be to care for my mother. My entire life revolved around her very complex care and 2 small children. DH was the other adult there to help get all the jobs done! I was irritable and not making space for our relationship. The life stressors were unrelenting and he was always really supportive. I was probably resentful about my mental load. He had to travel lots for work adding to the pressures. We had one counselling session, which neither of us liked (wrong therapist I think).

We muddled along quite well I thought until mid 2020 when similar themes were brought up. At this time he was also hugely angry with his parents and I wasn't sure if the anger was directed toward me or them. We bought Gottmans marriage course online and started communicating better. I regularly checked in if we were OK, our sex life was going really well, we made the best we could of lockdown. I had a significant health event end of 2021 and DH gave up a very stressful job to support me (he was going to resign anyway). Things were good as I had to stop caring for my mother and we were both not working for a few months and had time for each other. He did almost all housework and childcare while I recovered. His view of this is that this was a good period for us as I didn't have life stressors, but as soon as I returned to work I started treating him badly again....
The first I hear of this is 2 nights ago. I still got a valentines card with expressions of love (DD was in hospital). I feel so confused and broken and like all we have built and shared together has been a lie.

OP posts:

TheLadyofShalott1 · 30/03/2023 04:44

I am so sorry either way @Heartshattered, but I also think that he has, in all likelihood, met someone else, but he is a coward, and is probably trying to convince himself that he doesn't want to shock you all in one go, so he is preparing you in smaller chunks.

I do hope I am wrong OP, but even if I am, a "really lovely person" would not wait until he had fallen out of love with you, before telling you that you have been undermining him etc. I really don't believe him that you have been as bad as he has said you have been. It sounds to me like a straw he is searching for, in which case that begs the question, why?

Lwrenagain · 30/03/2023 04:50

Could he have depression?
It sounds like you've both been through a tough time 💐

ShandaLear · 30/03/2023 04:53

Another woman. He’s reciting the cheater’s script almost word for word.

Original poster

Heartshattered · 30/03/2023 05:02

Lwrenagain · 30/03/2023 04:50

Could he have depression?
It sounds like you've both been through a tough time 💐

We thought it may have been depression in 2020 - expressed as anger with life. He saw a good counsellor and addressed childhood bullying issues, confidence. He stopped going then. With my encouragement he re- engaged with her 4 weeks ago. So maybe that's where he got the courage / certainty to bring all this to my attention

How can he just stop loving me?

I am not perfect, but I am a good person. They say you hurt those you love the most so I think I have been doing this unknowingly. How did I not realise? He said he has never seen me treat anyone else like this and that I respect my friends and family more than him. I am argumentative amd critical amd try to get one up.on him in everyday little comments. It's MINDBLOWING that I have such poor insight into my behaviour. I am questioning everything about myself now..

He has apologised and taken responsibility for not talking about these irritations more. He said he was conflicted, hoping the good times would be enough, not prioritising himself, always trying to take the load off me to make me less stressed. Feels his life is all about reducing my load (logistics etc) and offering me emotional support, but me not giving that in return to him..

OP posts:

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 05:12

He's been trying to tell you for 6 years OP. I'm sorry but I don't agree with the others. I think he's tried to resolve the issues with you and you haven't listened.

You need to really take on board what he says.

Reflect on your behaviours. Does he have a point?

Original poster

Heartshattered · 30/03/2023 05:13

Thank you for your supportive and kind responses. It is good to share this, especially at 5am. We need to get up in 2 hours and put in the pretence as we get the kids ready for school.

I suppose time will tell with the OW. He said he is going to come out looking like a villain anyway...

I guess because he is the one who wants to walk away from what seems like a good life built together. I think family and friends won't actually believe it if it comes to a separation.

The kids are the most important thing and I will do everything I can to make this ok for them. I'm getting angry now - when didn't he leave me years ago if he is so unhappy?? Before we had kids or when they would have too young to have bene so hurt by this??!!!

OP posts:

emptythelitterbox · 30/03/2023 05:15

Very likely there's another woman.

Lwrenagain · 30/03/2023 05:15

@Heartshattered sorry to read all this.
Sending a hug!

He sounds traumatised and angry, it's impossible to say if you've actually done the things he's saying you have, but it seems more like he's struggling to cope with his emotions here and he's looking for something to blame.
You don't seem sold on the other woman suggestion and maybe that's naive, but trust your gut instinct on it.
He sounds frustrated and fed up, but he also sounds willing to work at things.
I'd definitely get a professional involved ASAP and have as much open communication as possible.
I know during times of depression and helplessness it's very common to pick fault with our loved ones. He wouldn't be the first or last person to jeprodise a good relationship because of struggling MH.
I just hope you can work together through this 🙏🏼

elodiesmith · 30/03/2023 05:22

Another woman. Even if she didn't return his feeling of love and they're not cheating, his head has been hugely turned by someone.

DuckyShincracker · 30/03/2023 05:26

It's interesting how it's all you isn't it? He's obviously the male version of Mary Poppins and is practically perfect in every way. In my experience when you start to be demonised in a relationship it's because they can't deal with the emotional fallout of having an affair so it's all your fault.

momtoboys · 30/03/2023 05:27

Well, it seems that maybe you did have some hints along the way that things weren’t great. However, this isn’t all on you. I’m sotry but I’m with others - he’s met someone.

EllieM27 · 30/03/2023 05:32

He blames you for everything, doesn’t he? And worse, he’s got you blaming yourself for everything too.

Are you the breadwinner?

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