Husband doesn't love me any more

[Heartshattered]

I'm a long time lurker, but have never posted before. My heart is utterly broken. I am married to a wonderful man. We have been together 18 years and have DD9 amd DS6. We had (I thought) a fantastic relationship with shared values, life outlook, personalities and interests. He couldn't be a better father and we are very good parents together.

Two nights ago he told me he was very unhappy. He feels I control and micromanage him amd make him feel undervalued, that I dismiss him and contradict him and make regular sarcastic comments that have eroded our relationship. I was not aware i was doing this, have had no insight into my behaviour but I believe him. Whether it was intentional or not doesn't matter as the effect is the same. Tonight he told me he does not love me any more, and thinks we should separate. He feels numb and empty. He agrees to try couples counselling first.

I am in complete and utter shock that we have reached this stage without me being aware. Our DD has been very ill the last few months and is now recovering. He said my behaviour towards him at hospital etc demonstrated the sharp end of the way I treat him - dismissing his views, contradicting him etc.

We have had huge strains with significant family caring responsibilities, job losses, house moves, relocations, bereavement and my illnesses over the past number of years, and our daughter's illness has now been added to the list of difficult life events.

I can't believe I have caused all of this. I can't sleep or eat and am working and trying not to burst into tears in front of the kids ll the time. I love my DH so so much amd he has treated with nothing but kindness, love and patience throughout our marriage.

I don't know what I'm asking for....a hand hold I guess.

So basically YOUR mother was ill and YOU were caring for her and your very young children. Then YOU became ill and then your daughter became ill. And he has the cheek to be the one with all the emotions and stress. Don't give in to all this utter BS. Like your life has been a bed of roses. He is using excuses and I agree with others on here when 9/10 times it is to excuse his own guilt. Well let him be. Don't force counselling stop doing anything for him. Plan a happy life with your children. He has somehow made you believe he is a Prince amongst men and you were the evil one. Well just stop believing his narrative he actually sounds very manipulative and controlling. Perhaps he likes you isolated. Tell him to leave your house and go and get his much needed space from you because he doesn't love you after all. I'm sorry your going through this but you need to stop going along with his narrative and realise your own.

I may be wrong but I don’t agree with all those who are so sure he’s found someone else. My Mum - who had a stressful job and caring responsibilities for her elderly parents - took out her stresses on us and my Dad in the way your husband is describing when my siblings and I were teenagers.

I do think he should have raised it more clearly with you over this period. But it’s not as though he hasn’t said anything.

i adore my mum and my parents are still together. This behaviour is forgivable, I think, and understandable, so long as you commit to change. I’ve only been with my husband for 8 years so this might be easy for me to say, but I have tried to learn the lessons from my mum’s behaviour. I really appreciate my husband who is a kind, wonderful partner and I try to be the same to him. (I was in an abusive relationship before him so I know what bad relationships are too…)

I hope you can work things through, though I do think you may have to accept it is too late. But his willingness to go to counselling means there is a chance. If there is no other woman, I would fight for your marriage if I were you.

besf of luck

Sounds like the script...

Scroll down to 'CheersMedea' comment to see how it matches up.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2558126-The-Cheating-Mans-Script

I am sorry OP, but people can and do fall out of love. It doesn't mean your whole marriage was a sham. People change, along with their feelings.
It still could have happened without the other factors or how he has described your behaviour towards him.
Being married a long time is no indicater that the relationship is failproof.
I have been at the receiving end of this heart breaking decision, as well as being the instigator in another relationship and in all honesty l don't know which one was worse to be honest.
It sounds as though he is still willing to try and make it work, but you don't want to be in the position of not being yourself , and having to try and change beyond recognition in case you upset him.
There's a song with a verse "the feelings gone and l just can't get it back" It is hard l think when you fall out of love to get those feelings back.

I’ve seen the reverse on here before, where a woman has been putting up with her husband’s behaviour towards her for years and at the point where she’s finally had enough he claims to be blindsided when actually the signs have been there all along.

Your OP wasn’t strictly honest was it? From your OP it sounded like you had a blissfully happy marriage for eighteen years and he walked in out of the blue and said he’s been unhappy and wants to split up. And this naturally has led posters to assume that he’s rewriting history because he has another woman. When actually reading further you’ve had these issues on and off since 2018.

I was in this type of marriage OP. My dh was always the one micromanaging and controlling. Everything had to be on his terms, and every couple of years I would snap and bring it up and things would change until the marriage was back on track again and then he’d become complacent and things would gradually slide back to where they’d been before. Interestingly the timescale wasn’t dissimilar either. I put up with it for about 7 years and then I couldn’t do it any more and I left. We were beyond the point of counselling by then.

In his case he was emotionally abusive, and while I have no idea what your relationship is like, it does sound as if there have been issues for a long time and you have been burying your head in the sand.

Op, it sounds to me like he’s communicating that you take your stresses out on him.

I’ve been guilty of that in the past with DH and I found it hard to admit it to myself because I like to think I’m a good person. I had some quite tricky life situations going on and he said to me, something along the lines of, ‘We’re meant to be a team, but when you’re stressed you become snappy and take it out on me when I’m trying to help’. At first I was angry at him because I felt he should be more understanding of what I was going through and accept that I was irritable…but once I noticed what I was doing, I realised how devastated I’d be if he treated me the same way. I can use him for support and talk to him, but I don’t get to use him as an emotional punchbag.

"sarcastic comments etc)

You clearly weren't - it was his interpretation.

Sad that you having to go through this x

Six years he's been telling you. But here you are describing yourself as in shock, having had no insight, you didn't realise it was like this.

You must have realised? He's told you several times over the course of six years?

Do you think perhaps you do take him for granted? For you to claim to be blindsided when he's raised it with you before suggests to me you maybe haven't taken him seriously at all in the past.

I really hope the two of you can work on it.

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles op, and now this on top.
I won't jump on the another woman theme because that's like kicking you when you're down.
It sounds like you've been micromanaging him and being snippy as he says for the last six years.
A lot of people put up with it for so long, then they snap.
Usually they then leave.
He's offered to go to counselling though, which suggests that he's not quite ready to throw the towel in and wants to salvage what's left of your marriage, which is a good thing.
I hope it works out for you both.

Exactly my thoughts as I was reading the OP.

So sorry! 😥

Sorry to hear this. I had similar. I did know things weren't great, but I didn't know how bad they were.

I would love to know how men can leave a marriage without its sounding like "the script" and why it sounds like "the script" when men say they are unhappy and want out but not when women do.

Whether this guy has a new woman or not he's clearly not been happy for a long time. Whether that's the OPs fault or not makes no difference- she's her, he's him and it's not working

I’m sorry you’ve gone through such a hard time with illness and stress OP. I disagree with posters who say there has to be another woman, yes it’s a possibility but if roles were reversed and a woman wrote his version of events, I’m sure she wouldn’t be accused of cheating on top of her conflicted emotions. He has been telling you but you’ve been unable to change your behaviour for various reasons. It doesn’t make you an awful person, you will hopefully learn from this. It’s great he’s still willing to try counselling after your previous bad experiences. He clearly has a lot of love for his family. One thing that is important to remember that it’s never just one person - yes he feels it’s you, because that’s his version of events. You also have yours. But don’t focus on that - listen to him, listen to what he needs to change and see if you can get there together. Sending love ❤️

Six years he's been telling you. But here you are describing yourself as in shock, having had no insight, you didn't realise it was like this.
You must have realised? He's told you several times over the course of six years?
Do you think perhaps you do take him for granted? For you to claim to be blindsided when he's raised it with you before suggests to me you maybe haven't taken him seriously at all in the past.
I really hope the two of you can work on it.

This.

Take some steps towards separating and find some therapy for you not just as a couple. I also suspect another woman

You will get lots of people telling you there is someone else. I don’t agree purely because there is no evidence of that.

On the contrary he has okayed therapy, been open with you. Until you have evidence anything else is just negative cognitive biases. It’s easier to make it about him but he hasn’t done anything proven to be wrong. Other than voice his unhappiness at this time.

“It’s the script” is a script in itself.

Any woman posting here that her husband had be sharp, controlling and snippy for six years and refused to take her seriously would be told to leave.

Yet a man does the same and and he must have another woman.

Posters jumping to the “he’s got someone/it’s the script” need to read all the OP’s posts, not just the OP. Because he’s been trying to tell her for years.

She’s not blindsided, she knew that there were problems.

The reality is that illness puts a massive strain on a marriage as it is.

He’s clearly been a supportive husband yet he feels unsupported.

And while I agree it takes two to make a marriage work, it’s interesting that when it’s the woman who is unhappy it is always only his fault, yet if the man is unhappy he’s unfair to blame the woman because he must have played a part as well..

You don’t sound like you are taking responsibility- you really need to be honest - have you been doing those things to him - treating him badly - you said it’s come out of the blue!!! It hasn’t - you said you did the Gottman course - there where issues - you did one session of counselling- there where issues - he’s had enough - unless he’s lying and you haven’t treated him badly at times. You talk about your stress re various things - how did you manage this stress? Was he the cat you kicked. Are you a critical person - you need your own therapy to look at your issues - he has agreed to couples therapy too. He’s not just leaving is he.

I agree.

My exH told me he "didn't love me any more" after I told him I was sick of his lousy behaviour for 4 months.

It didn't take me long after that to unearth Another Woman.

I'm sorry OP.

Read the OP’s posts.

This hasn’t come out of the blue they’ve been having problems for six years and he’s finally had enough.

How can he just stop loving me?

Well it's not just is it? He first said something in 2017. He's continued to be unhappy for 6 years, I would leave too in that situation. Why should he continue to be unhappy?

Not always true. I'm on the opposite side of this. There is no homme.

I’ve seen the reverse on here before, where a woman has been putting up with her husband’s behaviour towards her for years and at the point where she’s finally had enough he claims to be blindsided when actually the signs have been there all along.

This was my reading of it too.

I found “I have no insight into all this” really interesting as a sentence. OP, does it mean you weren’t aware of these behaviors or it never occurred to you that it was grinding down the relationship (taking him for granted), or of course maybe you don’t actually do those behaviours.

This I am guilty of. Sucking it all up for the sake of domestic harmony - I am conflict avoidant. Not ideal.

I don't agree at all with others that it is another woman.
This man has tried to tell you for many years that certain behaviours make him unhappy.
Rightly or wrongly, he clearly has built up a lot of resentment for doing what he was done for you and not feeling appreciated in return.

I honestly would recommend Men are From Mars Women Are From Venus. Some of it is drivel, but a lot of it is very good at understanding how men and women give and receive love differently. The number one way a man feels unloved is he feels unappreciated.

Honestly, what he said to you IS NOT cheaters script. It sounds like a man who has become very unhappy despite wanting to make things work.