Husband doesn't love me any more

[Heartshattered]

I'm a long time lurker, but have never posted before. My heart is utterly broken. I am married to a wonderful man. We have been together 18 years and have DD9 amd DS6. We had (I thought) a fantastic relationship with shared values, life outlook, personalities and interests. He couldn't be a better father and we are very good parents together.

Two nights ago he told me he was very unhappy. He feels I control and micromanage him amd make him feel undervalued, that I dismiss him and contradict him and make regular sarcastic comments that have eroded our relationship. I was not aware i was doing this, have had no insight into my behaviour but I believe him. Whether it was intentional or not doesn't matter as the effect is the same. Tonight he told me he does not love me any more, and thinks we should separate. He feels numb and empty. He agrees to try couples counselling first.

I am in complete and utter shock that we have reached this stage without me being aware. Our DD has been very ill the last few months and is now recovering. He said my behaviour towards him at hospital etc demonstrated the sharp end of the way I treat him - dismissing his views, contradicting him etc.

We have had huge strains with significant family caring responsibilities, job losses, house moves, relocations, bereavement and my illnesses over the past number of years, and our daughter's illness has now been added to the list of difficult life events.

I can't believe I have caused all of this. I can't sleep or eat and am working and trying not to burst into tears in front of the kids ll the time. I love my DH so so much amd he has treated with nothing but kindness, love and patience throughout our marriage.

I don't know what I'm asking for....a hand hold I guess.

You haven't been blindsided at all. He has been telling you for years he is unhappy with how you treat him. You have just chosen to not listen to him and carry on because you think that since you have been going through some tough times you can treat him poorly. It sounds like he has tried to be very supportive towards you, even relocating so you can live near your mother, but you have still been irritated and snappy with him. I don't blame him for wanting better for himself, I would have too. I don't think there is another woman involved, people just throw that out there because there is this misconception on MN that men can only leave if they have another woman lined up. This is not my experience at all. Out of the men I know who have left long relationships, none of them have had a new woman waiting.

This. Why hasn’t he been able to communicate with you about this before, to give you a chance to address these problems, if indeed they are down to you - his feeling “numb and empty” sounds like he might have depression, and perhaps he should try addressing that before binning your marriage?

I agree with this, unfortunately it happens, no need to hurt yourself further by trying to out the blame on another woman. People fall out of love while they are busy taking care of other things but then wait until things are a bit better not to drop you as a hot potato in the middle of a family crisis.

It is good that he has agreed to go to counselling with you but bear in mind that no matter how good counselling could be, if he has got to the “indifferent stage”, when he is not angry but has lost hope this will change, it will be a good idea to use the counselling to find the best way to part and define how you are going to co parent together as separated parents.

This.

He is not a wonderful man. He's dishonest. And there's probably someone else.

I’m not sure I agree about the OW (but of course it’s possible). However, I am intrigued/irritated at how he seems to have picked all the times you were handling care for others to feel so neglected.

How old are you OP? I’ve certainly found perimenopause has resulted in a blunter version of myself, which HRT helped a lot.

But he cannot reasonably bottle things up, act normally and expect you to psychically know something’s wrong. Perhaps you do need to work on your communication, but so does he. Him being worried about “looking like the bad guy” is a really odd thing to say.

If a marriage/relationship fails it’s not usually down to one person. So if he just wants to leave it’s not cool for him to be making you feel shitty just so he’s got a “I tried, I tried” get-out pass.

x

Why the drip feed? How can you say you've been blindsided and then drip feed that actually he did say bring it up and you even acknowledge your behaviour towards has been irritable etc.

By drip feeding and making out you can't believe he never said anything you've tried ti paint him to be the villan in this so people have already jumped to the conclusion he met someone else and what an arsehole he is. When actually what he said about how you have been is true.

Then ij subsequent posts you still keep saying you can't believe it and its our of the blue...I mean come on he has told you years ago, been to counselling and so on...don't be so blinkered. Infact you shouldn't be shocked its come to this.

You just want people to pile on and tell you he is a bustard and to ltb cos he hasn't been nice so what you could feel better?...otherwise you would of started the thread with the truth

🙄

Many years of your emotional abuse that he has raised and you have dismissed.

But sure, out of the blue and it must be another woman 🙄

Him being worried about “looking like the bad guy” is a really odd thing to say.

Not odd at all. When someone walks away people on the outside who don't see the day to day erosion of the relationship will naturally think they could have tried harder or there's another woman. The children will highly likely blame the one who walks away.

*This.

He is not a wonderful man. He's dishonest. And there's probably someone else.*

You didn't read the updates then, when he has mentioned this for 6 years. Tell me, would you stay in a relationship that was making you unhappy?

When you say you have no insight, does that mean you don't think what he is saying is true? When you look back on how you have treated him is he right, or wrong? Or partially right?

Even though you might not have noticed at the time surely you can remember looking back? Take the hospital example he gave you for one?

Do not let those man pull you down by words and what he says. Plenty of experience with that years ago I believed everything was my fault because he told me so. Took a counsellor to point out it wasn't and turned out there was somebody else on the scene true only on chat rooms and text but the minute he had a place to go he went to her.

Do you feel that that is how you have spoken to him and treated him Op? Do you take it out on him when life is stressful? If not, I am not impressed that the times he has highlighted are the ones where you were caring for your sick mother, child or it was you yourself that was ill.

Do you feel you were sarky and dismissive in the hospital or is that his interpretation due to you simply not agreeing with him?

You didn't read the updates then, when he has mentioned this for 6 years.

As I understand, in 2020 things were good. Sex life was good. Its only now she discovered that he became unhappy again in 2021. When she went back to work.

Op is it possible you were not aware of this and have little insight because you weren't actually doing what he has said you've been doing?

You said he went through a period where he was depressed and angry and he didn't know if it was with you or his parents? Well surely he would have some idea? Sounds like he is the one with little insight!

I would love to know a few examples of how he says you micromanage him? Is it things like asking him to put his clothes in the laundry basket and not on the floor? His dishes in the DW and not on the side? To pick up his own clutter? To remind him to pick up your dc from an activity when it's his turn?

You don't have to list things but have a think in your own mind if you honestly were micromanaging him, and if you were, why was it necessary?

Sounds to me like he has had a lot of career changes and perhaps is regretting some of the decisions he has made about that and he is unhappy with himself and taking it out on you.

When you say you believe him about you being negative and critical but weren't aware you were doing this, why are you trusting his version of events and not your own? If all was well during lockdown and then were worse for him when you went back to work, could it be that his expectations of a relationship are too high?

Have a think op? Either one of you has a level of unawareness that is somewhat strange or one of you is not being honest. Is there a possibility that it could be him?

Are you really at ‘fault’ here OP in way you describe? You don’t sound like a selfish, sharp tongued harridan to me, far from it! You sound almost like you’ve taken on the majority of the caring responsibilities.

You sound like you’ve had an awful lot to cope with so if you were sharp etc, well, its to be expected. You sound pretty selfless to me & you’ve been ill. A child in hospital alone is a huge stressor.

Who initiated the earlier counselling & why?

Would your friends describe you as you have yourself? What adjectives would come to their mind first to describe you as a person? Your comment you are a good/kind person leapt out at me & I’ll bet the objective reality is you are not as you’ve described.

If a child vomits and is unwell in night, who would typically jump from bed first & offer love & change bedding at 3am? You or him?

Are you the ‘alpha’ type shouting and snapping at a ‘weaker’ character who shoulders most of the responsibility and does the lions share of the domestic stuff? Who has the more demanding job outside of the home? Anyone would crack under the sort of continued pressure.

You say your sex life has remained active and good?

When you say you were ‘blindsided’ truthfully are you being honest with yourself? Clearly there was ‘trouble at mill’, from what you’ve said if you’re not in denial why are you so shocked?

I don't think AIBU is the best board to post on OP. People are too quick to judge. Do you have trusted friends IRL who can give you a perspective on your relationship as they witness it?

He has - read the OP's subsequent posts.

The thing is, he may not be being fair in his criticism of the OP, or he may have a point, or he may be unreasonably needy or a gaslighting bastard. Makes no difference. He wants out.

@Heartshattered you can try counselling but be cautious of accepting all the blame. Itscrarely just down to one person when a marriage goes wrong.

Men never ever ever ever leave a relationship unless there is someone already waiting in the
wings…

right now he is blaming you 100% and you accept it?!

There is more to this.

She thought things were good. He's given it time for things to get better.

When someone tells their spouse they're unhappy, sometimes the spouse will change for a while then slip back into their old ways. The timeframes suggest that could well be what's happened here.

Agree. What does ‘micromanaging’ mean exactly & honestly do you need to? Is he ordered & well organised? Does he go out with friends without you fairly frequently? Is he fastidious, has his appearance changed? Does he exercise and eat well?

He says you’ve been negative & critical, how has he been towards you? You say you had a good lockdown together. It’s interesting your intimacy has been strong throughout?

When was the last time he gave you a compliment or ran you a bath, made a special dinner? Do you ever do this for him. Who puts the bins out & does most of the cooking?

I’m also in team other woman. Maybe you do do all those things but he was ok with it but now his Wes have been opened and his feelings confirmed by someone new who hangs on his every word.

I agree with this. Much more eloquent than me 😁

Eyes*

When was the last time he gave you a compliment or ran you a bath, made a special dinner? Do you ever do this for him. Who puts the bins out & does most of the cooking?

Good questions.

We've heard a lot from him about how you've 'failed'. What about him?