Page 4 | Husband doesn't love me any more

Heartshattered · 2023-03-30T03:05:17+00:00

I'm a long time lurker, but have never posted before. My heart is utterly broken. I am married to a wonderful man. We have been together 18 years and have DD9 amd DS6. We had (I thought) a fantastic relationship with shared values, life outlook, personalities and interests. He couldn't be a better father and we are very good parents together. Two nights ago he told me he was very unhappy. He feels I control and micromanage him amd make him feel undervalued, that I dismiss him and contradict him and make regular sarcastic comments that have eroded our relationship. I was not aware i was doing this, have had no insight into my behaviour but I believe him. Whether it was intentional or not doesn't matter as the effect is the same. Tonight he told me he does not love me any more, and thinks we should separate. He feels numb and empty. He agrees to try couples counselling first. I am in complete and utter shock that we have reached this stage without me being aware. Our DD has been very ill the last few months and is now recovering. He said my behaviour towards him at hospital etc demonstrated the sharp end of the way I treat him - dismissing his views, contradicting him etc. We have had huge strains with significant family caring responsibilities, job losses, house moves, relocations, bereavement and my illnesses over the past number of years, and our daughter's illness has now been added to the list of difficult life events. I can't believe I have caused all of this. I can't sleep or eat and am working and trying not to burst into tears in front of the kids ll the time. I love my DH so so much amd he has treated with nothing but kindness, love and patience throughout our marriage. I don't know what I'm asking for....a hand hold I guess.

Thedarkestblue · 30/03/2023 08:07

Heartshattered · 30/03/2023 04:43

My first indication of this was in late 2017 when completely out of the blue he got mad and talked about how taken for granted he felt. I completely owned that. He had given up his dream job to move to where I wanted to be to care for my mother. My entire life revolved around her very complex care and 2 small children. DH was the other adult there to help get all the jobs done! I was irritable and not making space for our relationship. The life stressors were unrelenting and he was always really supportive. I was probably resentful about my mental load. He had to travel lots for work adding to the pressures. We had one counselling session, which neither of us liked (wrong therapist I think).

We muddled along quite well I thought until mid 2020 when similar themes were brought up. At this time he was also hugely angry with his parents and I wasn't sure if the anger was directed toward me or them. We bought Gottmans marriage course online and started communicating better. I regularly checked in if we were OK, our sex life was going really well, we made the best we could of lockdown. I had a significant health event end of 2021 and DH gave up a very stressful job to support me (he was going to resign anyway). Things were good as I had to stop caring for my mother and we were both not working for a few months and had time for each other. He did almost all housework and childcare while I recovered. His view of this is that this was a good period for us as I didn't have life stressors, but as soon as I returned to work I started treating him badly again....
The first I hear of this is 2 nights ago. I still got a valentines card with expressions of love (DD was in hospital). I feel so confused and broken and like all we have built and shared together has been a lie.

Ok, so despite your OP it’s not the first time he has raised this. he’s been raising it for six years, and you have been ignoring it for six years.

He gave up his dream job and his life to move so you could care your mother. It’s great that you wanted to care for your mum, but you REALLY needed to appreciate what your husband also sacrificed to make this happen, not just treat him as ‘extra hands’ but show acknowledgement and appreciation, sincerely.

I have been where your DP is, moving to facilitate what DP wants and realizing that sacrifice is not even acknowledged, let alone appreciated., raising concerns for years then getting the shocked ‘ I had no idea but I love you’ face when I say ‘it’s over’.

It’s not surprising to me he’s had enough and wants out.

Longtimeloiterer · 30/03/2023 08:08

It sounds like your life hasn't been easy and issues have raised their head 2017, 2020 and what you've done has only papered over the cracks.

It also sounds like he's tired and had enough of the relentless problems.

The fact that none of these are your fault is beside the point, he's done.

DoristheDuchess · 30/03/2023 08:13

Longtimeloiterer · 30/03/2023 08:08

It sounds like your life hasn't been easy and issues have raised their head 2017, 2020 and what you've done has only papered over the cracks.

It also sounds like he's tired and had enough of the relentless problems.

The fact that none of these are your fault is beside the point, he's done.

I agree with this. I also don't think there's another woman. It's easier to look for someone else to blame than it is to process what's actually happening in front of you.

It's positive that he wants to go for counselling. Best case you have an honest discussion and find a way forward, worst case you keep communicating to work through separating and work out how to coparent going forward.

💐

colddrytoast · 30/03/2023 08:14

I am so sorry this really is the worst pain. But don't give up yet, all hope is not lost. Try not to get too fixated on the words 'I don't love you any more'. Love is an incredibly complex thing and works on many levels so this is unlikely to be completely true. View this time as a temporary but extremely serious blip in your marriage. At least he is talking to you. Love can return, but it is about making compromises by and for both of you - this has to work for you too. Be very careful not to lose yourself and make inauthentic compromises. In the meantime... to work on your marriage... Make him feel valued. Talk to him, ask him what you can do to make it better and let him know that from this moment on that you are really listening. Tell him how much he and the marriage mean to you. Make some future plans so you have things to look forward to, just the two of you, and remember how you used to be. Most importantly, listen, listen, listen. If this doesn't work, and it will take time to win back his trust, then there may be more to the problem than he is saying after all, but you will know that you have done your absolute best to make the marriage work. Be strong, I wish you well.

Sapphire387 · 30/03/2023 08:15

I'd be wary of swallowing his narrative wholesale. I realise you are in shock but there are two sides to every story. What's your side?

Lockheart · 30/03/2023 08:15

GabriellaMontez · 30/03/2023 08:07

When was the last time he gave you a compliment or ran you a bath, made a special dinner? Do you ever do this for him. Who puts the bins out & does most of the cooking?

Good questions.

We've heard a lot from him about how you've 'failed'. What about him?

OP says in her first post he's been nothing but loving, supportive, patient, and kind to her.

cornflakesandtea · 30/03/2023 08:16

To me, it seems like he is a fair weather husband. When things are rosy and he's being attended to then he's happy and in love, but whenever something else is taking your attention (sick parents, new job, yours and your DD health concerns etc) then he feels neglected and unloved because, god forbid, something else should take a priority and he should help out more.

It sounds to me like he wants to be number one all the time. He wants a mother, not a wife.

JudyGemstone · 30/03/2023 08:16

“Men never ever ever ever leave a relationship unless there is someone already waiting in the
wings…”

how can you make such claims? Have you spoken with every man who’s left his wife ever about his reasons? Of course not, so don’t say such ridiculous things 🙄

swayingpalmtree · 30/03/2023 08:16

BitOutOfPractice · 30/03/2023 04:21

No he’s not a really lovely person. Dropping all this on you. Making it all your fault.

I too would lay money on another woman. Big money.

Totally disagree with this. I was with a partner who did similar- always contradicting me, never taking me seriously, making similar sarcastic comments and it completely erodes your self worth over time. They also denied they did it and it felt like constant gaslighting. It makes you feel utterly worthless over time. He hasnt done anything wrong by being honest that he isnt happy and the fact he's willing to go to counselling is a good thing.

OP- I understand how shocking this must be for you but you really need to engage in the counselling process and look at your behaviour and be honest enough to examine if he is right. Constant criticism over time will completely destroy a relationship and this seems like its save-able if you both put the work in. Good luck.

Lockheart · 30/03/2023 08:17

Sapphire387 · 30/03/2023 08:15

I'd be wary of swallowing his narrative wholesale. I realise you are in shock but there are two sides to every story. What's your side?

This IS OPs side, she's the one posting here.

YukoandHiro · 30/03/2023 08:17

I'm sorry but to drop all this suddenly smacks of OW in the picture. It's a version of the script - he's rewriting history. If you don't recognise any of the things he says about your behaviour, even more so.

Thedarkestblue · 30/03/2023 08:18

cornflakesandtea · 30/03/2023 08:16

To me, it seems like he is a fair weather husband. When things are rosy and he's being attended to then he's happy and in love, but whenever something else is taking your attention (sick parents, new job, yours and your DD health concerns etc) then he feels neglected and unloved because, god forbid, something else should take a priority and he should help out more.

It sounds to me like he wants to be number one all the time. He wants a mother, not a wife.

He gave up his dream job and relocated to support his wife in supporting her mother. That’s hardly the action of a fair weather husband or someone who wants to be first all the time.

swayingpalmtree · 30/03/2023 08:20

He gave up his dream job and relocated to support his wife in supporting her mother. That’s hardly the action of a fair weather husband or someone who wants to be first all the time

Exactly. OP also says he has been nothing but loving, kind and supportive towards her- she'd hardly say that if he was a "fair weather" husband. Just because a person is male, doesnt mean they are automatically in the wrong, being manipulative or cheating.

Peverellshire · 30/03/2023 08:21

‘He was going to resign anyway’ jumps out at me, is he guilt tripping you or him copping out (again?)…What was the ‘stressful job’?

’I started treating him badly again’, can you expand? How did he honestly treat you?

A valentine’s card doesn’t really mean much yet you sound grateful. If he’s really the paragon you describe red roses plus additionally would be a fit…Did you give him anything?

’He did almost all the housework whilst I recovered’ as anyone decent would! This suggests to me you work fingers to bone in this regard typically? True?

drpet49 · 30/03/2023 08:22

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 05:12

He's been trying to tell you for 6 years OP. I'm sorry but I don't agree with the others. I think he's tried to resolve the issues with you and you haven't listened.

You need to really take on board what he says.

Reflect on your behaviours. Does he have a point?

This! You’ve gone from “this is out of the blue and I had no idea he felt like this” to 6 years history of incidents.

Beantag · 30/03/2023 08:26

My last relationship broke down because I kept a lot to myself instead of talking about it, the little things he did that annoyed or upset me I just buried instead of resolving or talking about and I mentally checked out of the relationship rather than address them. Although the things he did caused me to feel unhappy, it was my fault also as I didn't ever speak to him about them until they'd reached the point I was done. Over it. Checked out with no chance of saving things. I think this is as likely as anything else.

YukoandHiro · 30/03/2023 08:26

Ah I see there has been some build up.

OP, I feel for you because when you have huge additional life burdens and caring responsibilities sometimes it's just impossible to make enough space for each other as well as earn enough money to stay afloat and care for children etc.

I don't know what to suggest other than reflecting honestly on your own behaviour and some intensive couples therapy together before you call it a day.

Sometimes life does destroy a marriage rather than the other way around.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/03/2023 08:28

AIBU really isn't the place for decent advice on this. Far, far too many posters are either ltb simply because he is a man and they only become unhappy when another woman appears on the scene.
And then you have other posters who love a bit of drama and like to give out advice as if they are writing an Eastenders script.

DoristheDuchess · 30/03/2023 08:31

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/03/2023 08:28

AIBU really isn't the place for decent advice on this. Far, far too many posters are either ltb simply because he is a man and they only become unhappy when another woman appears on the scene.
And then you have other posters who love a bit of drama and like to give out advice as if they are writing an Eastenders script.

Definitely this.

I would step away from AIBU and concentrate on what's happening at home with the help of a professional counsellor. Don't let throw away comments on here get into your head and make it even more difficult for you.

Peverellshire · 30/03/2023 08:36

swayingpalmtree · 30/03/2023 08:20

He gave up his dream job and relocated to support his wife in supporting her mother. That’s hardly the action of a fair weather husband or someone who wants to be first all the time

Exactly. OP also says he has been nothing but loving, kind and supportive towards her- she'd hardly say that if he was a "fair weather" husband. Just because a person is male, doesnt mean they are automatically in the wrong, being manipulative or cheating.

Yes, but what does this look like in reality? A Valentine’s card? OP sounds (too?) selfless rather than selfish to me & someone who gives themselves a v hard time.

I knew a man whose wife was nothing but ‘kind & supportive’ he occasionally made his wife a lukewarm tea & kindly ‘cooked’ for family a few times a week (made a terrible mess, did a big manly BBQ, used all stuff she’d been planning for weekend roast & then was later quietly resentful when she had to go out to restock fridge). Eyed the au pair hungrily when she popped out…etc…

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 08:38

Don't be hard on yourself op. This has come out of the blue, a decent person would have discussed it with you beforehand and talked about it, not dropped the 'I don't love you anymore' bomb without trying to fix it way before now.

I also think his head has been turned, he's re writing history, making out your relationship has been awful. I very much doubt someone who's trying to see it from his point of view and talking the way you are talking, wouldn't realise if they'd behaved as he is saying you have.

AlexaFeedMyKids · 30/03/2023 08:38

Hes been telling you for 6 years. People reach their breaking point, and his has taken 6 years. I totally disagree with the "other woman" comments and the people blaming him. He's been talking to you about this for 6 years.

According to MN, the only reason a man can leave is because there's another woman 🤯

Beantag · 30/03/2023 08:38

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 08:38

Don't be hard on yourself op. This has come out of the blue, a decent person would have discussed it with you beforehand and talked about it, not dropped the 'I don't love you anymore' bomb without trying to fix it way before now.

I also think his head has been turned, he's re writing history, making out your relationship has been awful. I very much doubt someone who's trying to see it from his point of view and talking the way you are talking, wouldn't realise if they'd behaved as he is saying you have.

It sounds like he has been trying to address it over the years, albeit perhaps not overtly enough.

Saharafordessert · 30/03/2023 08:39

TheDuck2018 · 30/03/2023 06:55

Six years he's been telling you. But here you are describing yourself as in shock, having had no insight, you didn't realise it was like this.
You must have realised? He's told you several times over the course of six years?
Do you think perhaps you do take him for granted? For you to claim to be blindsided when he's raised it with you before suggests to me you maybe haven't taken him seriously at all in the past.
I really hope the two of you can work on it.

This.

I also agree with this.
It really does sound like he’s tried, he’s tried to tell you on numerous occasions over the years and he’s tried counselling. I think you really listen to him this time.

Sclover23 · 30/03/2023 08:39

I had exactly the same from my ex - out of the blue I was controlling, unsupportive, manipulative etc.
There was another woman and he was making it my fault to make him feel better.