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Original poster

Husband doesn't love me any more

198 replies

Heartshattered · 30/03/2023 04:05

I'm a long time lurker, but have never posted before. My heart is utterly broken. I am married to a wonderful man. We have been together 18 years and have DD9 amd DS6. We had (I thought) a fantastic relationship with shared values, life outlook, personalities and interests. He couldn't be a better father and we are very good parents together.

Two nights ago he told me he was very unhappy. He feels I control and micromanage him amd make him feel undervalued, that I dismiss him and contradict him and make regular sarcastic comments that have eroded our relationship. I was not aware i was doing this, have had no insight into my behaviour but I believe him. Whether it was intentional or not doesn't matter as the effect is the same. Tonight he told me he does not love me any more, and thinks we should separate. He feels numb and empty. He agrees to try couples counselling first.

I am in complete and utter shock that we have reached this stage without me being aware. Our DD has been very ill the last few months and is now recovering. He said my behaviour towards him at hospital etc demonstrated the sharp end of the way I treat him - dismissing his views, contradicting him etc.

We have had huge strains with significant family caring responsibilities, job losses, house moves, relocations, bereavement and my illnesses over the past number of years, and our daughter's illness has now been added to the list of difficult life events.

I can't believe I have caused all of this. I can't sleep or eat and am working and trying not to burst into tears in front of the kids ll the time. I love my DH so so much amd he has treated with nothing but kindness, love and patience throughout our marriage.

I don't know what I'm asking for....a hand hold I guess.

OP posts:
Snapdragonsoup · 30/03/2023 09:24

I too immediately thought there’s another woman. Sorry, OP.

greenthumb13 · 30/03/2023 09:27

It's not fair that this is the first he is saying about it. Nothing and then "it's over"? He should give you a chance to change after 18 years!!! Good luck 🙏

Barbecuebeans · 30/03/2023 09:27

IndigoLight · 30/03/2023 09:23

Why is everyone ignoring the drip feeds with all the information about him bringing it up, and the numerous times op has admitted that major things were her fault?? Because it's a man??

Well everyone isn't. There have been a number of posts, including mine which does quite the opposite.

Barbecuebeans · 30/03/2023 09:28

greenthumb13 · 30/03/2023 09:27

It's not fair that this is the first he is saying about it. Nothing and then "it's over"? He should give you a chance to change after 18 years!!! Good luck 🙏

IT ISN'T THE FIRST TIME HE'S MENTIONED IT! READ THE OTHER POSTS FROM THE OP.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/03/2023 09:30

TheLadyofShalott1 · 30/03/2023 04:44

I am so sorry either way @Heartshattered, but I also think that he has, in all likelihood, met someone else, but he is a coward, and is probably trying to convince himself that he doesn't want to shock you all in one go, so he is preparing you in smaller chunks.

I do hope I am wrong OP, but even if I am, a "really lovely person" would not wait until he had fallen out of love with you, before telling you that you have been undermining him etc. I really don't believe him that you have been as bad as he has said you have been. It sounds to me like a straw he is searching for, in which case that begs the question, why?

I am sorry op, this is so tough. I’m afraid I too suspect an OW. He works away a lot you say? And family life has been stressful, with him way down the pecking order? Hmmm.

user1492757084 · 30/03/2023 09:32

Couples counselling might help.
Before and during that I think you should seek counselling yourself. You could talk about whether you are micromanaging etc. and be better able to understand your husband's point of view during the couples counselling.
It might also alert you to your strengths and weaknesses and enable you to cope with this horrifying and shock of a revelation.

Badger1970 · 30/03/2023 09:34

If he says you are micromanaging/nitpicking, what exactly does that mean? Do you have to ask him repeatedly to do things? or is he one of those utterly rare men that can see what's in front of them, shoulder the mental load and do things without having to be asked....

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 09:36

Badger1970 · 30/03/2023 09:34

If he says you are micromanaging/nitpicking, what exactly does that mean? Do you have to ask him repeatedly to do things? or is he one of those utterly rare men that can see what's in front of them, shoulder the mental load and do things without having to be asked....

They're really not that rare.

Wnikat · 30/03/2023 09:37

Just make sure you've read The Script so you're aware of it going forward....

HappinesDependsOnYou · 30/03/2023 09:38

When a woman posts she wants to leave her husband she gets support and no one ges her to stick it out. When a man wants to leave a woman "it must be an affair" comes out. Your husband is telling you how he feels and it sounds like he has buried his head in the sand for years and not communicated it only to announce it now. Its harsh that he has laid out all his complaints and I suspect when you enter couples therapy you will both have different perspectives. My husband did have an affair and announced I was always talking over him and a few other things. I did infact talk over him and as we went into therapy it was clear I was talking over because I never felt heard or validated from anyone in my entire life and we both realised I was wrong for talking over him but he was also wrong for not hearing me. It was easily resolved (unlike the affair of corse) What I am trying to say op is don't let random people on the Internet convince you it is am affair. It may well be but it also may not be. The important thing here is getting the communication in a calm way. The book better relationships might help whilst you wait for therapy to start

dottiedodah · 30/03/2023 09:38

Firstly I am sorry you are so upset.I would be wary of him putting the blame on you .Most marriages have some kind of stress though,Im sure hes in no way perfect! I dont know whether or not he has met someone,but men usually have another woman if they leave.I hope thats not the case ,but maybe prepare yourself for it just in case.I would get your ducks in a row and speak to a Solicitor when you can.Some counselling may help you .

Rockychair · 30/03/2023 09:40

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 05:12

He's been trying to tell you for 6 years OP. I'm sorry but I don't agree with the others. I think he's tried to resolve the issues with you and you haven't listened.

You need to really take on board what he says.

Reflect on your behaviours. Does he have a point?

I agree with this. I know someone who fits his description of your behaviour, and her husband just tolerates it without pushing back. It’s become the norm. If you are as your husband describes them maybe he’s hit tipping point. You say you believe your husband’s description of you so you acknowledge your own part in this.

What is unattractive to me is that he’s allowed himself to be treated like this.

Manichean · 30/03/2023 09:41

Men hardly ever jump unless they have somewhere soft to land.

Untitledsquatboulder · 30/03/2023 09:42

Manichean · 30/03/2023 09:41

Men hardly ever jump unless they have somewhere soft to land.

And so? An unhappy man is more likely to jump.

BadNomad · 30/03/2023 09:51

Whether he is having an affair or not, things haven't been great between you for a while. You've had a lot of stressful events. He sounds worn out. It sounds like he has been supportive and understanding of you, but feels hasn't had that back in return. He's been the person you've taken your frustrations out on because you've taken it for granted that he'll always be there? But it's been a slow drip eroding away at his love for you. Do the counselling and listen to him. But don't make promises of changing if you can't, won't, or don't want to.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 30/03/2023 09:51

My cousin has just split with her husband of many years for similar reasons - she says he disregards her opinions, nit picks, etc. These things happen in marriages.
No one has suggested she's got someone else, because she's a woman.
My male cousin split with his wife a few years ago for similar reasons. There was no OW.
In both cases they had been trying to fix things for years. It's not that rare.

Peverellshire · 30/03/2023 09:53

Rockychair · 30/03/2023 09:40

I agree with this. I know someone who fits his description of your behaviour, and her husband just tolerates it without pushing back. It’s become the norm. If you are as your husband describes them maybe he’s hit tipping point. You say you believe your husband’s description of you so you acknowledge your own part in this.

What is unattractive to me is that he’s allowed himself to be treated like this.

Show quote history

IMO the OP needs to come back & clarify a few things before we can conclude as above.

Anyone who is TRULY grateful DH stepped up to help out whilst they are seriously ill & sees a Valentine’s card as a generous signifier of love, who cares for their mother, says they’re kind/good person & cares & worries and shoulders responsibility for all family, whilst juggling work responsibilities…Well, that speaks for itself…

Him giving up work & on brink of resignation, well, for all we know he’s jumped before pushed, despite ‘big job’ she’s the breadwinner & he’s been at a loose end taking advantage & angry she’s been a bit short & not kept on top of the washing.

Any woman this aware of her MANY faults, well she wouldn’t be I feel if as you say…

sandyhappypeople · 30/03/2023 09:54

it sounds like he’s been unhappy for a while, it’s not unusual for someone to not want to rock the boat in a relationship, or add extra stress while there is a lot of life events going on, often to the detriment of their own MH, happens to both sexes, and maybe he just thinks it’ll get better when ‘x’ is over, recovered etc, and you proved him right by being a better partner during lockdown, where you obviously prioritised him more or were happier in general, if he realises some of the stresses aren’t your fault, he’s probably been reluctant to lay it all out, maybe even making excuses for you, he’s just been putting up with it, but there’s only so much of that you can do before the damage is permanent and you no longer feel the same way about that person.

sorry this is happening OP, you must be gutted, but there has been signs and opportunities, and it sounds like you have been taking him for granted, knowingly or not, maybe it’s not too late to work on things, but you can’t use x, y and a as an excuse to treat someone badly (assuming there’s some truth in what he’s said.. only you know that)

it doesn’t sound to me like there’s another woman, but maybe he’s been getting closer to someone outside the marriage, flirting or confiding in someone at work etc and it’s made him face up to just how bad things have got, he’s done the right thing by addressing it, but maybe what happens now will dictate the course of what happens now, hopefully it’s not too late.

Hadjab · 30/03/2023 09:54

MayThe4th · 30/03/2023 07:03

“It’s the script” is a script in itself.

Any woman posting here that her husband had be sharp, controlling and snippy for six years and refused to take her seriously would be told to leave.

Yet a man does the same and and he must have another woman.

Posters jumping to the “he’s got someone/it’s the script” need to read all the OP’s posts, not just the OP. Because he’s been trying to tell her for years.

She’s not blindsided, she knew that there were problems.

The reality is that illness puts a massive strain on a marriage as it is.

He’s clearly been a supportive husband yet he feels unsupported.

And while I agree it takes two to make a marriage work, it’s interesting that when it’s the woman who is unhappy it is always only his fault, yet if the man is unhappy he’s unfair to blame the woman because he must have played a part as well..

Eleventy billion times this!

ethelredonagoodday · 30/03/2023 09:58

Not RTFT, so could be missing something. I'm not sure about the other woman - could be wrong, but we have very good friends in a similar situation and there isn't anyone else involved. However, they are saying together for the kids and partly because the DW refuses to acknowledge the issues. I know that frequently there's another person involved, but I don't think it is nailed on every time?

ForeverTheOptomist · 30/03/2023 10:14

TheDuck2018 · 30/03/2023 06:55

Six years he's been telling you. But here you are describing yourself as in shock, having had no insight, you didn't realise it was like this.
You must have realised? He's told you several times over the course of six years?
Do you think perhaps you do take him for granted? For you to claim to be blindsided when he's raised it with you before suggests to me you maybe haven't taken him seriously at all in the past.
I really hope the two of you can work on it.

This.

This is despicable. Show some compassion rather than judgement.

Dreamstate · 30/03/2023 10:17

Op wrote My entire life revolved around her very complex care and 2 small children. DH was the other adult there to help get all the jobs done! I was irritable and not making space for our relationship. The life stressors were unrelenting and he was always really supportive.

And there you have it! So he gives up his dream job and moves to support OP's need to care for her mother and OP basically treats him like a stranger or unpaid maid. Her life revolved around her mother and kids and no space for OH.

Sorry but when these big decisions are made you have to consider the consequences and impacts of them and if you're going to not have headspace give zero space to your relationship with OH than of course it will have an impact. And here we are seeing the impact of what happens if you basically treat your OH like he is no longer worth your time or headspace.

Look having to taken on caring your mother and children is a lot but it also cannot be an excuse, he has been supportive all along to allow you to do that but still he is human after all. No one is thinking you should nurture your relationship with OH and giving him the same time and headspace you could before but to completely cut it off that's too much especially over a long period of time. I think most people can cope for weeks and a few months but longer than that of course the resentment will build in him. You said yourself you felt resentment building up on your mental load - so its okay for you for not your OH.

People really need to think carefully when these big life events happen and accept that no-one can be perfect or do it all and somewhere along the line there will be some impact felt in relationships with OH, friends and so on. No amount of saying you're caring for your mother and the other person should patiently wait whilst you freeze them out, snipe at then, be irritable towards them is right either.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 30/03/2023 10:23

Heartshattered · 30/03/2023 04:16

Thank you for your responses. He was very clear that he hasn't met anyone else and I believe him. I think he will have no problem finding someone else if he does leave me. He is a really lovely person.

With the best will in the world, if he’s so lovely, why did he wait so long to tell you all of this ? Why wait until you’re at the end of your tether, have ‘fallen out’ of love, and are ready to end the relationship ?

Bewilderedandhurt · 30/03/2023 10:26

I'm in a similar situation to you with my OH. We are pursuing counselling at the moment and it has been good to see where we went wrong.
I think that sometimes, kids,caring for elderly parents and taking on everyone else's troubles means you forget to focus on your own relationship.
It's an incredibly hard time, there are free counselling services available, sometimes also employee support services with some companies.
I'm in limbo giving my OH the space to process their depression, issues and desires for the future to see if we can ' learn to fall in love again'
I'm heart broken bewildered and shattered, putting one foot in front of the other is a stretch some days.
I live in hope, but I'm preparing to loose a relationship of 18years and a marriage of 12.
I hope talking and counselling will help you a little.

TennisWithDeborah · 30/03/2023 10:27

Your OP doesn’t match your subsequent posts, so it’s very difficult to opine.

A counsellor should be able o help you both unpick this.

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