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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband doesn't love me any more

198 replies

Heartshattered · 30/03/2023 04:05

I'm a long time lurker, but have never posted before. My heart is utterly broken. I am married to a wonderful man. We have been together 18 years and have DD9 amd DS6. We had (I thought) a fantastic relationship with shared values, life outlook, personalities and interests. He couldn't be a better father and we are very good parents together.

Two nights ago he told me he was very unhappy. He feels I control and micromanage him amd make him feel undervalued, that I dismiss him and contradict him and make regular sarcastic comments that have eroded our relationship. I was not aware i was doing this, have had no insight into my behaviour but I believe him. Whether it was intentional or not doesn't matter as the effect is the same. Tonight he told me he does not love me any more, and thinks we should separate. He feels numb and empty. He agrees to try couples counselling first.

I am in complete and utter shock that we have reached this stage without me being aware. Our DD has been very ill the last few months and is now recovering. He said my behaviour towards him at hospital etc demonstrated the sharp end of the way I treat him - dismissing his views, contradicting him etc.

We have had huge strains with significant family caring responsibilities, job losses, house moves, relocations, bereavement and my illnesses over the past number of years, and our daughter's illness has now been added to the list of difficult life events.

I can't believe I have caused all of this. I can't sleep or eat and am working and trying not to burst into tears in front of the kids ll the time. I love my DH so so much amd he has treated with nothing but kindness, love and patience throughout our marriage.

I don't know what I'm asking for....a hand hold I guess.

OP posts:
Peverellshire · 30/03/2023 08:41

Mean MAN whose wife would say was nothing but ‘kind and supportive’. If she’d had a ‘good’ week he also gave her a woman’s weekly and a mars bar!. Sadly I am NOT kidding. He also took the family to Pizza Express & asked if she couldn’t recreate at home, wasteful see…

Workinghardeveryday · 30/03/2023 08:41

Sorry you are going through this op.

Make an appointment today for couples counselling.

Tell him you are listening to him and ready to change. Make him believe you.

Give him hope things will change and what a different future you could have together.

spartacusiam · 30/03/2023 08:45

Sorry, but you've said it's caught you unaware and out of the blue etc. But then you go on to admit that actually he has brought this up with you several times over the last six years. It sounds to me like he's tried to make himself heard several times, that things get better for a bit and then the old patterns seep back in.

If this was a man posting about a woman everyone would be up in arms about him making token gestures and only changing to please her and not meaning it etc.....funny how the responses you get on the first page here are all totally different because the roles are reversed.

I know I sound like I'm being arsey, but I'm not. I'm just trying to point out that actually - YABU intentionally or not. It sounds like he's fallen out of love with you over a long period of time; of you promising to change and then letting him down. I get that there's life stress and big events that have helped cause this but you need to take some accountability too.

Not to say that it's all on you as I'm sure he's also got his own part he's played in all of this and nobody is ever perfect.

CherryCokeFanatic · 30/03/2023 08:46

Do you admit to the behaviours he has said? Do you get at him about all comments, dismiss his views etc? Do you treat him worse than any of your friends and family?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 30/03/2023 08:50

People still not reading all the OPs posts 🙄That's what you get for drip feeding.
Whether you are doing the things he says or not, it's not out of the blue is it? He's been trying for 6 years to make things better.
IF there is an OW now, I doubt there was in 2017.
An OW would be the symptom not the cause. This happens a lot.

“Men never ever ever ever leave a relationship unless there is someone already waiting in the
wings…”

Absolute rubbish.

trytopullyoursocksup · 30/03/2023 08:50

I would like to know more too about what "micromanaging" and "contradicting" mean. If you are supposed to just keep doing everything properly and correcting his mistakes or half arsedness, then he is just lazy and selfish and probably sexist.

Also, what does "supportive" mean? Does he actually support you, or does he just have the manner of a "nice chap"? while actually being quite selfish and passive?

I think it's impossible to know from your OP whether you are actually being too picky and too unkind and too unloving (and living with someone like that is hard); or whether he is one of those men who thinks he deserves a sweet tongued doormat as a wife, no matter what real life challenges are being thrown at her at the same time as his pathetic desire to feel worshipped and coddled.

ReneBumsWombats · 30/03/2023 08:53

I don't know if he's met someone else, but given all the life stress you have both had, I don't think it's as simple as you treating him badly and him falling out of love with you. I'm sure you've not been perfect but who would be after all that?

I think it's hopeful that he's agreed to counselling. It may turn out that he realises the problem is at least in part life stress.

Peverellshire · 30/03/2023 08:53

Good post @trytopullyoursocksup being grateful for a Valentine’s card & taking as a sign of love speaks volumes to me.

ChocSaltyBalls · 30/03/2023 08:55

BitOutOfPractice · 30/03/2023 04:21

No he’s not a really lovely person. Dropping all this on you. Making it all your fault.

I too would lay money on another woman. Big money.

This. He’s gaslighting you. So sorry OP x that he was blaming and criticising you about your behaviour when you were at your child’s bedside is pretty low.

Barbecuebeans · 30/03/2023 08:58

MayThe4th · 30/03/2023 05:45

I’ve seen the reverse on here before, where a woman has been putting up with her husband’s behaviour towards her for years and at the point where she’s finally had enough he claims to be blindsided when actually the signs have been there all along.

Your OP wasn’t strictly honest was it? From your OP it sounded like you had a blissfully happy marriage for eighteen years and he walked in out of the blue and said he’s been unhappy and wants to split up. And this naturally has led posters to assume that he’s rewriting history because he has another woman. When actually reading further you’ve had these issues on and off since 2018.

I was in this type of marriage OP. My dh was always the one micromanaging and controlling. Everything had to be on his terms, and every couple of years I would snap and bring it up and things would change until the marriage was back on track again and then he’d become complacent and things would gradually slide back to where they’d been before. Interestingly the timescale wasn’t dissimilar either. I put up with it for about 7 years and then I couldn’t do it any more and I left. We were beyond the point of counselling by then.

In his case he was emotionally abusive, and while I have no idea what your relationship is like, it does sound as if there have been issues for a long time and you have been burying your head in the sand.

I agree with this.

Just because you're a woman doesn't mean you can't be abusive.

Taking out all your stress on your partner over a long period of time is not acceptable in a relationship. You seem to be listening to those posters that are supporting you but not to those who see another possibility.

Only you know what you are like but it doesn't sound like you've really taken responsibility for your behaviour and tried to change on a long term basis.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 30/03/2023 09:03

OP, I actually don’t think it matters why your husband has said things are over. The fact is, he has. There may indeed be another woman waiting in the wings, or it may be as he says and feels totally unvalued by you.

I say now, figure out what you want. Don’t be knee-jerked into seeing a counsellor. Give yourself some time to process what he’s said (your perception of events will be different so that’s fine) and think what you want to get from the counselling. Then, when ready, choose a counsellor you both like the sound of.

BellePeppa · 30/03/2023 09:04

He’s been very specific with how you’ve treated him so it’s likely they are valid and real reasons. No offence but just because you are a woman it doesn’t automatically make you the good guy and him the bad guy. You’ve said yourself he’s been a great husband and you’ve admitted you’ve taken him for granted (so the possibility you’ve treated him badly is very real). Hopefully couples counselling will help but you need to take responsibility for the way you have treated him for your marriage to ever work again.

SallyWD · 30/03/2023 09:07

What an awful shock! What I find really strange about this is how he's never mentioned it before. To go from zero complaints to separation is pretty extreme. The fact that it's so sudden does make me question if there's someone else. If it was a gradual build up of unhappiness over time surely he would have said something?
It's very easy to be snappy and critical with a long time partner. I know DH and I can be like this. We talk to each other in a way that isn't always kind. The difference is we're aware of it and aware that it's damaging to our relationship. When we start doing it, one of us will speak up and say "That's not fair. Let's remember to be nice to each other." or something.
You've been under a lot of pressure and stress over the years. It's natural that you weren't always sweetness and light but your DH should have raised it if it was having such a terrible effect on him. Marriage isn't plain sailing. Of course there are times when you really don't get on and question the marriage. But you work at it! We've had tough times but we talk about it and try and find the solution.
Has he been perfect? I doubt it. I'd be on high alert if I were you. I wouldn't be surprised if there's another woman in the back ground.

BellePeppa · 30/03/2023 09:08

ChocSaltyBalls · 30/03/2023 08:55

This. He’s gaslighting you. So sorry OP x that he was blaming and criticising you about your behaviour when you were at your child’s bedside is pretty low.

Show quote history

How the heck do you know he’s ‘gaslighting’. That word has become so overused it’s losing any impact.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 30/03/2023 09:09

SallyWD · 30/03/2023 09:07

What an awful shock! What I find really strange about this is how he's never mentioned it before. To go from zero complaints to separation is pretty extreme. The fact that it's so sudden does make me question if there's someone else. If it was a gradual build up of unhappiness over time surely he would have said something?
It's very easy to be snappy and critical with a long time partner. I know DH and I can be like this. We talk to each other in a way that isn't always kind. The difference is we're aware of it and aware that it's damaging to our relationship. When we start doing it, one of us will speak up and say "That's not fair. Let's remember to be nice to each other." or something.
You've been under a lot of pressure and stress over the years. It's natural that you weren't always sweetness and light but your DH should have raised it if it was having such a terrible effect on him. Marriage isn't plain sailing. Of course there are times when you really don't get on and question the marriage. But you work at it! We've had tough times but we talk about it and try and find the solution.
Has he been perfect? I doubt it. I'd be on high alert if I were you. I wouldn't be surprised if there's another woman in the back ground.

He has mentioned it before. Read the drip feeds.

BellePeppa · 30/03/2023 09:09

SallyWD · 30/03/2023 09:07

What an awful shock! What I find really strange about this is how he's never mentioned it before. To go from zero complaints to separation is pretty extreme. The fact that it's so sudden does make me question if there's someone else. If it was a gradual build up of unhappiness over time surely he would have said something?
It's very easy to be snappy and critical with a long time partner. I know DH and I can be like this. We talk to each other in a way that isn't always kind. The difference is we're aware of it and aware that it's damaging to our relationship. When we start doing it, one of us will speak up and say "That's not fair. Let's remember to be nice to each other." or something.
You've been under a lot of pressure and stress over the years. It's natural that you weren't always sweetness and light but your DH should have raised it if it was having such a terrible effect on him. Marriage isn't plain sailing. Of course there are times when you really don't get on and question the marriage. But you work at it! We've had tough times but we talk about it and try and find the solution.
Has he been perfect? I doubt it. I'd be on high alert if I were you. I wouldn't be surprised if there's another woman in the back ground.

It has been a gradual build up of unhappiness, at least since 2017 anyway.

BellePeppa · 30/03/2023 09:17

cornflakesandtea · 30/03/2023 08:16

To me, it seems like he is a fair weather husband. When things are rosy and he's being attended to then he's happy and in love, but whenever something else is taking your attention (sick parents, new job, yours and your DD health concerns etc) then he feels neglected and unloved because, god forbid, something else should take a priority and he should help out more.

It sounds to me like he wants to be number one all the time. He wants a mother, not a wife.

And you sound like someone who’s always going to make the man the bad guy. If this had been the other way round and the woman fell out of love with her husband and her husband micromanages and undermines her and takes her for granted would you be saying the woman just wants to be the centre of attention? Yet somehow you know this man and his motives?

Crazyshihtzulady · 30/03/2023 09:18

Rafting2022 · 30/03/2023 04:13

Cherchez la femme.

Such an unhelpful cliche.

ALLIS0N · 30/03/2023 09:19

redheadcurl · 30/03/2023 04:31

Wow so he reckons he's put up with all that for 18 year and never told you how he feels.
Big red flag.
Blame shifting. Playing the victim.
I don't believe him. Sorry

This.

SallyWD · 30/03/2023 09:19

deydododatdodontdeydo · 30/03/2023 09:09

He has mentioned it before. Read the drip feeds.

Show quote history

Oh I see! That's different then...

EngTech · 30/03/2023 09:20

@spartacusiam In a nutshell really.

There are always two sides to a story but reading the various comments on the boards, it is always the man’s fault.

If men are that bad, why get married?

The stats, sorry, no link, show a steady decline in marriage in the USA since the 50’s as men have realised that if the marriage fails, they are taken to the cleaners especially if children are involved, as they are the ones that suffer not the adults

There are a lot of videos on You Tube, Locals, Twitter etc that show why men are deciding not to get married MGTOW etc

A generation of men are being brought up to be happy being single, have a good time and focus on their happiness

A family is not on their agenda, sad really but a reality these days

Will await incoming 😳

IndigoLight · 30/03/2023 09:21

Oh FGS, op has updated posts with very valid reasons for him to feel this way. It has not come out of the blue, he brought it up before but she didn't address it. It seems like very much of your marriage revolved around your issues op, your mother, him relocating to please you, him resigning to take care of you, him taking on all the mental load- completely understandable for someone to have had enough.

IndigoLight · 30/03/2023 09:23

Why is everyone ignoring the drip feeds with all the information about him bringing it up, and the numerous times op has admitted that major things were her fault?? Because it's a man??

ALLIS0N · 30/03/2023 09:23

@EngTech this is a support thread for the Op. If you want to have a general “ what about the menz “ discussion it would be courteous to start your own thread and not hijack hers.

Flatandhappy · 30/03/2023 09:23

Rafting2022 · 30/03/2023 04:13

Cherchez la femme.

This