Op, gently, AIBU board is the worst possible place for advice . Stop reading and posting
aibu is the go to place for people making sweeping judgements about poster or posters situation. It is a black and white board with no allowances for grey areas that we humans mostly live in.
you are coming on here have ing been told something that is impacting your self esteem. Whilst some posters will support your esteem and tell you your husband must be cheater, or is the bad one, you will not hear this as loudly as you will hear the critical comments - how you didn’t listen, how it’s not sudden, how your the one at fault . You brain is hardwired to perceive threats more strongly than anything else (to do with the amygdala . You will tune into those criticisms and beat yourself up even more. That is not healthy, and can be extremely damaging to your mental health. So just stop using this board to validate how you are feeling
The law around divorce now recognises that marital breakdown is very, very rarely one persons fault. Hence why they’ve dispensed with fault based divorce. Whilst some of your husbands criticism will be justified, he also has a role in this. But no amount of debate on the board will tell you his role, your role etc. this is extremely complex psychologically and a few posts from you, and even some drip feed, will not allow any real insight form anyone responding here, including trained psychologists or psychiatrists on this board.
You are going to need support from either someone professionally or a good close friend who knows you and your situation, to help you process your thoughts and emotions about what has happened. This “slagging off” will cause you some distress and you need to address that so you have good resilience but also so you can function in your life and deal with fallout of what he has told you
as for your marriage, that sounds like he’s already decided to split and there’s not going to be anything, even counselling, that will alter his mind. People mostly, especially if there isn’t someone else involved, take a very long time to tell their spouse that they want to end the marriage. He has, almost certainly, been thinking about this for a long time already and wouldn’t risk telling you if he just wasn’t sure or not totally made his mind up. He’s been raging since 2017, so clearly unhappy but he is one that has decided to continue to be married despite his unhappiness- that’s his decision. Unless you know that this announcement is now a real threat to get you to change- only you can judge that based on whether he has track record for that sort of thing.
you may find it helpful to look at the grief pathway . Whilst he isn’t dying, your marriage breakdown is a loss, and you will be loosing him. It may help you to understand the emotions you are having right now, and those you will feel. For instances your post is full of statements of denial, shock and bargaining - all very normal in early stage of grief. Just understanding this can help you make a bit more sense of the world.
You mustn’t loose sight that you need to, first , love yourself. And that none of us are perfect. We all have imperfections that are part of our character traits, often these are flip sides of our strengths. We also all screw up occasionally, or do things without realising that with hindsight we are horrified we could do that. Being self aware of our flaws and trying to improve of them is one thing, but that is way different from accepting a character annihilation that blames you entirely and paints a picture of you being intrinsically a “bad” person.
what he has done, is one of the strongest forms of control, which is shaming someone. He has shamed you, and you are responding to that incredibly powerful social outcasting. It has literally stopped you in your tracks and questioning everything about yourself.
If you were everything he is saying you’d be a psychopath/sociopath and wouldn’t be posting here, nearly crucifying yourself. It’d be water of ducks back. The fact you are posting, desperately trying to make sense says everything that you are a good person even if you’ve made some errors - as we all do.