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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Take DS to visit my family - DH uncertain

173 replies

pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 11:24

My family live about 2.5 hours away and I haven't been down since I had DS 8 months ago.

I am taking Easter week off work (I have to the nursery is closing). My mum will be staying with us Easter weekend and I was thinking it would be nice to go back to my home town with her on the Monday and stay for a few nights then a few days later she could drive me half way home and DH could meet us. Or she could drive us the whole way back on Saturday. All my family is there and DS can see his similar aged cousins. I can meet up with friends. Wander around the shopping centre. Get a coffee in costa. Maybe even go to the cinema. Get an Indian take-away.

I live very rurally and currently do not have a car (hopefully will soon). But even if I did the closest town has a population of 1,500 so not a lot going on. I've no friends here and pretty much live in my tiny bubble. I WFH also so minimal social contact, I could really do with this!

DH's side. He has never spent a night away from DS and understandably is anxious about that. I've spent 1 night away from him but not a full 24 hrs. So I appreciate that it might be a big ask. He also has a lot going on his parents are not in the best of health. His dad recently had pneumonia DH farms alongside FIL so that has meant DH doing extra work.

DS is still breast fed, but will take formula so that's not a huge issue. But with nursery being closed I can't really leave him here as DH can't exactly take him farming all day! Also honestly, I want to bring him with me. I want him to meet my side of the family, he has meet a lot of them but only once and when he was a few weeks old. I want him to know my family too. I love my ILs and they see them a few times a week, but my family exist too.

YABU - Do not go to hometown.
YANBU - Do go to home town

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 11:25

I think start with one night away and build up from there.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/03/2023 11:28

I think it sounds absolutely fine as is tbh, don't let your dh ruin this visit for you.

Aftjbtibg · 29/03/2023 11:28

I think he’s being unfair expecting you to be at home all day with the baby while he’s working out all day just so he can see the baby for the evenings. I think it’s fine; yes he’ll miss him but it will be fine.

Lamelie · 29/03/2023 11:28

Don’t quite understand? Your DH is mithering about you taking your breastfed son to see family and leaving him alone? When it’s not easy to visit but nursery and lifts work this week?
What a wet lettuce.

SquareRootOfAllEvil · 29/03/2023 11:28

I’d go to your hometown. It’s unfortunate DH can’t come with you, but that’s farming, and it sounds like it would be a nice break for both you and DS.

Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 11:29

Lamelie · 29/03/2023 11:28

Don’t quite understand? Your DH is mithering about you taking your breastfed son to see family and leaving him alone? When it’s not easy to visit but nursery and lifts work this week?
What a wet lettuce.

I think its fair enough for the first night away to be a bit nerve wracking

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 11:29

I would absolutely not accept DH preventing me from visiting my family and frineds for a couple of days because he didn't want to be away from DC overnight. Espeically when he is busy working all the time anyway. To me it sounds controlling.

So I would absolutely go. I travelled loads to see my family (abroad) during my maternity leave because I had a the time an opportunity to do so.

Phos · 29/03/2023 11:30

Your DH is being ridiculous. Maybe he is a little jealous of you getting away but being "anxious" about being away from baby for a few nights? He's with you, his mother. I left my baby with my mum for a couple of nights when she was 7 months old due to a TV opportunity that came up. Tell him to get a grip and go enjoy time with your family.

ChimChimeny · 29/03/2023 11:31

Aftjbtibg · 29/03/2023 11:28

I think he’s being unfair expecting you to be at home all day with the baby while he’s working out all day just so he can see the baby for the evenings. I think it’s fine; yes he’ll miss him but it will be fine.

Yes definitely. I can understand he'll miss the baby but he's being really selfish

Ladypuggerz · 29/03/2023 11:31

Damn, that sounds so lovely! Go have an adventure with your boy.

That first time away will be hard and different for all involved, but the benefits surely outweigh the difficulties. A week will (sadly!) fly by!

Original poster
pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 11:32

I would go for 1 night if it was possible. I can be reviewed to drive in a few months (boring medical stuff) so for now I rely on lifts as public transport is non existent where we live. My mum works full time so I wouldn't ask her to drive from my house to hers on the Monday then drive me half way back on the Tuesday.

DH has no desire what so ever to come to my hometown. He has never liked it. Long before DS he stopped coming down all together apart from events he couldn't really get out of.

I wouldn't like to not see DS for a few night so I can understand DH's point.

OP posts:
Lamelie · 29/03/2023 11:32

Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 11:29

I think its fair enough for the first night away to be a bit nerve wracking

Show quote history

I’m really not understanding this.
Mother takes breastfed baby away for a week when husband couldn’t look after him anyway and husband is uncertain.
Did I miss the bit where they’re hitch hiking/ swimming/ OP’s mother is an escaped convict or has a pet dragon?
I'm genuinely perplexed.

DappledThings · 29/03/2023 11:33

I don't understand the issue. Should you take your child and visit your family who are not too far away?

What's your DH nervous about? This is a totally normal thing to do.

Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 11:34

Lamelie · 29/03/2023 11:32

I’m really not understanding this.
Mother takes breastfed baby away for a week when husband couldn’t look after him anyway and husband is uncertain.
Did I miss the bit where they’re hitch hiking/ swimming/ OP’s mother is an escaped convict or has a pet dragon?
I'm genuinely perplexed.

Show quote history

First night I was apart from my child after I'd got them home i couldn't sleep. It takes a while to get used to being seperated.

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 11:36

pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 11:32

I would go for 1 night if it was possible. I can be reviewed to drive in a few months (boring medical stuff) so for now I rely on lifts as public transport is non existent where we live. My mum works full time so I wouldn't ask her to drive from my house to hers on the Monday then drive me half way back on the Tuesday.

DH has no desire what so ever to come to my hometown. He has never liked it. Long before DS he stopped coming down all together apart from events he couldn't really get out of.

I wouldn't like to not see DS for a few night so I can understand DH's point.

So not only will he not let you go, he also won't come with you to enable you to visit your hometown. This is adding to the controlling thing for me....

Original poster
pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 11:36

@Lamelie how did you find out about the dragon!! Smoky is well behaved.

No he's not worried anything will happen. It's just the thought of being away from the baby. I was a bag of nerves/ emotions the 1 night I spent away from him. I missed him.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 29/03/2023 11:38

DH has no desire what so ever to come to my hometown. He has never liked it. Long before DS he stopped coming down all together apart from events he couldn't really get out of

That's not the action of a supportive partner.

2bazookas · 29/03/2023 11:38

of course you should go, sounds like a lovely trip. It's important for DH to learn to share the baby and involve extended family and have a bit of time to himself, so it will do him good too.

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 11:39

pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 11:36

@Lamelie how did you find out about the dragon!! Smoky is well behaved.

No he's not worried anything will happen. It's just the thought of being away from the baby. I was a bag of nerves/ emotions the 1 night I spent away from him. I missed him.

Would you prevent your DH from seeing friends and family for 4 nights (becuase he's not there in the day time anyway) because you would miss the baby?

Doggydarling · 29/03/2023 11:51

Please consider that your husband may be displaying controlling behaviour, you've moved to his home which is rural which means you don't see your family or friends and your son hardly knows them, now you've an ideal opportunity to spend a week with them catching up and enjoying some company but your husband has a problem with it. Of course he'll miss your dc but when, if ever will it be ok for you and dc to spend time away?? Control can creep in to a relationship slowly and be hardly noticeable to begin with, it can even feel good (he loves us so much he wants us close all the time). Go visit your family, stay the week, facetime him if he wants but please go.

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 11:56

Doggydarling · 29/03/2023 11:51

Please consider that your husband may be displaying controlling behaviour, you've moved to his home which is rural which means you don't see your family or friends and your son hardly knows them, now you've an ideal opportunity to spend a week with them catching up and enjoying some company but your husband has a problem with it. Of course he'll miss your dc but when, if ever will it be ok for you and dc to spend time away?? Control can creep in to a relationship slowly and be hardly noticeable to begin with, it can even feel good (he loves us so much he wants us close all the time). Go visit your family, stay the week, facetime him if he wants but please go.

Exactly.

My cousin and her partner broke up for pretty much this reason. It started off with her moving to be with him when she fell pregnant, far from family and friends. Then the baby came and he started getting increasingly difficult about her visting her friends and family despite the fact that she had a quite isolated life due to her move. He was also controlling with how they spent their money. It wasn't abusive as such, but it was enough for her to decide she couldn't live that that. And it was really hard for her when she was a new mum, vulnerable and alone and wasn't "allowed" to be with her support netwok because he didn't want to be away from the baby (again the same, he was out at work all day while she sat at home alone and lonely with the baby).

waterrat · 29/03/2023 11:58

I agree thst this sounds like alarm.bells of a controlling partner. Your husband would rather you and baby spend long days alone in your cut off location than have a lovely time seeing friends and family ?

WaltzingWaters · 29/03/2023 12:01

Go! I have been taking my baby (just turning 1) away to visit family and friends since her was a few months old. Tell you DH to enjoy the peace and quiet for a bit and to let you enjoy seeing your family.

teacakie · 29/03/2023 12:03

He is attempting to exercise control over you. This is low level manipulation. Be very aware of it as it will escalate.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your suggestion.

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2023 12:04

Dh sounds like a bit of a red flag
Do you like living in the middle of nowhere when you can’t drive?

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