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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Take DS to visit my family - DH uncertain

173 replies

pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 11:24

My family live about 2.5 hours away and I haven't been down since I had DS 8 months ago.

I am taking Easter week off work (I have to the nursery is closing). My mum will be staying with us Easter weekend and I was thinking it would be nice to go back to my home town with her on the Monday and stay for a few nights then a few days later she could drive me half way home and DH could meet us. Or she could drive us the whole way back on Saturday. All my family is there and DS can see his similar aged cousins. I can meet up with friends. Wander around the shopping centre. Get a coffee in costa. Maybe even go to the cinema. Get an Indian take-away.

I live very rurally and currently do not have a car (hopefully will soon). But even if I did the closest town has a population of 1,500 so not a lot going on. I've no friends here and pretty much live in my tiny bubble. I WFH also so minimal social contact, I could really do with this!

DH's side. He has never spent a night away from DS and understandably is anxious about that. I've spent 1 night away from him but not a full 24 hrs. So I appreciate that it might be a big ask. He also has a lot going on his parents are not in the best of health. His dad recently had pneumonia DH farms alongside FIL so that has meant DH doing extra work.

DS is still breast fed, but will take formula so that's not a huge issue. But with nursery being closed I can't really leave him here as DH can't exactly take him farming all day! Also honestly, I want to bring him with me. I want him to meet my side of the family, he has meet a lot of them but only once and when he was a few weeks old. I want him to know my family too. I love my ILs and they see them a few times a week, but my family exist too.

YABU - Do not go to hometown.
YANBU - Do go to home town

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 29/03/2023 15:38

Once you're able to drive again OP make sure you get a car and use it. What you're asking is not out of the ordinary at all and completely reasonable. I live about 4 hours from my family and we go 3-4 times a year. 50% of the time I go alone with the children as we don't have enough leave between the 2 of us to take loads of time off together. It's a completely normal thing to do and it means that he has time to get jobs done round the house in the evenings that are scuppered with children around (like glossing things etc)

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2023 15:42

Botw1 · 29/03/2023 14:25

If the roles were reversed and a mum was expressing concern about the dad taking his baby away without mum these responses would be very different

You should still go though. You'll all be fine

Find me a man who is solely BFing a baby and I'll agree. Doubly if you can find a 'farmer's husband' in the same situation as OP, with no car, health issues after birth etc.

There isn't a comparison.

EL8888 · 29/03/2023 15:59

Newyearnewmeow · 29/03/2023 15:00

He obviously thinks he is the boss with his We’ll see’s and crossing bridges. It does seem controlling!
I would be hiring a car and going for as long as I like. Don’t set a precedent.

Quite. This is the kind of language my mother used when l was a child and she thought l was asking for too much and / or pushing boundaries. What you are proposing is very reasonable.

He is controlling. Just because he doesn’t like your home town, then why shouldn’t you and your child go there. It’s only a visit. You’re hardly going to live there. He’s blowing it out of proportion 🤷‍♀️

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 29/03/2023 16:44

'We'll see' from one adult to another is very controlling and manipulative imo.
You aren't a child and you don't need to seek or be given permission to leave your home.

BlingLoving · 29/03/2023 17:01

Botw1 · 29/03/2023 14:25

If the roles were reversed and a mum was expressing concern about the dad taking his baby away without mum these responses would be very different

You should still go though. You'll all be fine

An important difference is that in that situation, the concern would not be about MUM, it would be about baby. There would be people expressing concern that baby would be away from its primary caregiver and that would be scary for the baby. particularly in a situation like this where the baby is BF.

The reality is that OP IS the primary caregiver, and she IS breastfeeding. So yes, while her DH might miss the baby, he is not going to be harmed by the baby being away for a few nights (let's be clear, it's not even a full week).

Original poster
pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 17:04

@FiveHundredDucksWentOutOneDay it's awful not having a car! He probably couldn't come on the Tuesday and I wouldn't want him to either. Knowing my mum, she will intend we set out early but it will end up being 2/3pm which gets us to hers for 5/6pm I could see friends that night and maybe a bit of family on Tuesday. I wouldn't ask her to drive me half way back on Tuesday after driving Monday and working all day. I don't think DH would have the time for a 5 hour round trip on the Tues. So realistically it would be Thurs/ Fri if my mum drives me back half way.

We have done the half way drive thing a few times so he doesn't mind that, I was stopped driving when I was pregnant.

He's fine when my mum visits. I'm an only child so she comes up for the whole of Christmas/ Easter.

I don't need his permission to leave the house or to go anywhere. But I thought as parents we should both have a say in where DS goes?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2023 18:18

But I thought as parents we should both have a say in where DS goes?

You and DS are currently a package deal. If he has too much of a day in where DS goes, he WILL be controlling you.

Biology doesn't give a shit about equality. Which is great for men 99% of the time. Until we address that, the 1% we get shouldn't be surrendered.

Goldbar · 29/03/2023 18:23

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2023 18:18

But I thought as parents we should both have a say in where DS goes?

You and DS are currently a package deal. If he has too much of a day in where DS goes, he WILL be controlling you.

Biology doesn't give a shit about equality. Which is great for men 99% of the time. Until we address that, the 1% we get shouldn't be surrendered.

Absolutely 💯. As an adult, you get to decide where you go. And until your baby can sensibly be away from you for a few days, they come with you.

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 18:32

Depends how it is phrased.

Him being a bit worried about being apart from DS, plus being a bit needy because of the other stuff going on in his life = fine.

Telling you that you are absolutely not allowed to go = not fine.

billy1966 · 29/03/2023 18:36

You really need to look at doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk OP.

You seem to have very weak boundaries and are very vulnerable to being isolated and controlled by him.

No you do not need his permission to leave the house.

Your child is breast fed so automatically goes where you go.

But in normal healthy relationships this really is NEVER an issue.

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GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 18:37

But I thought as parents we should both have a say in where DS goes?

So you remain isolated on a farm until dh agrees to allow you to visit family?

You can't leave baby with dh.
Dh won't come with you.

Can you see how controlling this is?

What about you? Your needs ? Your baby?

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 18:38

Why can't you drive?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2023 18:44

I travelled transatlantically when DD was a similar age. THAT needed discussion! This doesn't.

Botw1 · 29/03/2023 18:45

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 15:12

Well, if the mum was breastfeeding and the dad wanted to take the baby away for a night, there would absolutely be different responses.

Because it would be a different situation entirely.

Show quote history

I was talking about the wet lettuce/why would he even care/notice/miss them bollocks.

My dh was a bit worried the first time I took our first away without him.

If a mum says she doesn't want to be apart from her baby no one questions it, why isn't ot the same for a dad?

Of course he needs to get over himself but it's not abnormal for him to be worried about missing his kid and partner

nomoremerlot · 29/03/2023 18:49

So he wants you to travel 2.5 hours two consecutive days?

Selfish IMO!

Antiquiteas · 29/03/2023 18:51

Why can’t you stay for a few days? Much nicer for you, much less travelling and he needs to learn to put your well-being before his own wants and controlling tendencies.

I’m sure the farm will keep him busy.

jemimapuddlepluck · 29/03/2023 18:55

You sound like you are very isolated OP. I understand that he will miss his son bit you deserve to see your family. He cannot expect you to sit at home on your week off waiting for him to get home from work. Just be careful he doesn't use the baby as an excuse to stop you from going back to your home town. Not saying he is doing this but just be be careful.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/03/2023 19:06

So he'll never go to your home town. You're never allowed to go away with DS overnight without DH. So DS is never permitted to go to your home town and meet your friends and family - every single one of them must visit you.

No. No. No.

I don't know if he INTENDS to be that controlling but put boundaries in now. Your child deserves to know your family.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/03/2023 19:08

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 18:38

Why can't you drive?

Why do you need to know. She's said she can't. She said it isn't his fault. She said she'll be medically cleared soon. Why do you need the details? How does that affect anything? She's travelling and staying with family, she isn't a risk to him.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 29/03/2023 19:09

Sounds like you and dc will have a wonderful time. Also sounds like you need some well earned time with people who love you, and what a great way to show off your new dc

NerrSnerr · 29/03/2023 19:10

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 18:38

Why can't you drive?

The OP has said she can't drive for medical reasons but is hoping to be able to drive again soon.

VerveClique · 29/03/2023 19:14

Before I opened the post I thought you were taking DC to a war torn country or something!!

Giving him the benefit of the doubt it’s not far, and it’s only a few days.

Other than that, like PPs say, he’s verging on controlling. My DH was fine with my taking baby DC away like this, it was good for all of us. I flew alone with DC at 4 months.

RedHelenB · 29/03/2023 19:14

I'm taking it on face value that he will miss out on seeing his baby on the nights you are away.And I don't necessarily think hes controlling, life on a farm is isolating, but that in itself isn't enough to prevent you going so go and have a great time.

nomoremerlot · 29/03/2023 19:15

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 18:38

Why can't you drive?

Why can't you read the OPs posts? Only 7 of them!

Halsall · 29/03/2023 19:17

I’m rather unimpressed by his complaints of ‘feeling lonely’ for a few days, when OP seems so very isolated and has confessed to feeling lonely pretty much all the time.

Most adults should be able to cope with their own company for a week or so, surely? I mean, it’s no time at all. @pontipinemum you wfh in an isolated location and have quite a young baby. You said you have ‘no friends’. It does sound as though your DH is extremely reliant on you and he doesn’t much like you being out of his sight. It feels quite concerning to me. It would be good to start establishing some independence and you definitely should go and see your family, imho.