Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Take DS to visit my family - DH uncertain

173 replies

pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 11:24

My family live about 2.5 hours away and I haven't been down since I had DS 8 months ago.

I am taking Easter week off work (I have to the nursery is closing). My mum will be staying with us Easter weekend and I was thinking it would be nice to go back to my home town with her on the Monday and stay for a few nights then a few days later she could drive me half way home and DH could meet us. Or she could drive us the whole way back on Saturday. All my family is there and DS can see his similar aged cousins. I can meet up with friends. Wander around the shopping centre. Get a coffee in costa. Maybe even go to the cinema. Get an Indian take-away.

I live very rurally and currently do not have a car (hopefully will soon). But even if I did the closest town has a population of 1,500 so not a lot going on. I've no friends here and pretty much live in my tiny bubble. I WFH also so minimal social contact, I could really do with this!

DH's side. He has never spent a night away from DS and understandably is anxious about that. I've spent 1 night away from him but not a full 24 hrs. So I appreciate that it might be a big ask. He also has a lot going on his parents are not in the best of health. His dad recently had pneumonia DH farms alongside FIL so that has meant DH doing extra work.

DS is still breast fed, but will take formula so that's not a huge issue. But with nursery being closed I can't really leave him here as DH can't exactly take him farming all day! Also honestly, I want to bring him with me. I want him to meet my side of the family, he has meet a lot of them but only once and when he was a few weeks old. I want him to know my family too. I love my ILs and they see them a few times a week, but my family exist too.

YABU - Do not go to hometown.
YANBU - Do go to home town

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 29/03/2023 13:56

I can understand that he will miss DS, but he's being incredibly selfish. this will be good for both you and the baby and, arguably, for him too as he will be able to focus guilt free on the farm and his parents during a busy and difficult time.

being a good parent and partner means sometimes doing things you prefer not to because it is so much better for your partner or child. This is one of those times.

Antiquiteas · 29/03/2023 13:57

Go. It’s supremely important that you go.

I don’t care what you say, your husband is controlling. He’s doing it out of ‘love’ (aren’t they all? 🙄) but he’s happily leaving you totally and utterly isolated for his own selfish ends, and is trying to emotionally manipulate you into not going and ‘defying’ him.

If it’s calving, he’ll have plenty to keep him occupied on the farm.

Namechangedforspooky · 29/03/2023 14:03

I would agree with those saying it sounds controlling. Your DH needs to consider that you need support too, Definitely a few low level red flags here.
FWIW my in-laws live a similar distance and we’ve always done it as a day trip from a few weeks old. It’s really not that far if there was an issue with his family

Choconut · 29/03/2023 14:13

I agree that this is a control thing but you don't see it because he's able to make it sound sweet and reasonable by saying he'll miss his child. Saying 'we'll see' means that he'll allow you to think that there's a chance you can go but thenin the end it won't happen - I bet you any money.

He's got you where he wants you, unable to go anywhere because you can't drive, no public transport, reliant on him (bet he's loving that power trip) and he conveniently doesn't like your home town.

BanditsGravyStain · 29/03/2023 14:14

me and DS going away will be lonely for him
But your entire existence is lonely because you’re playing farmers wife. He doesn’t care about that does he? You’re making excuses for
him Op.

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 14:15

Go OP, please do go.

ThereIbledit · 29/03/2023 14:21

I wouldn't like to not see DS for a few night so I can understand DH's point.

I might get flamed for this by the pickmeishas and MRAs, but a mother not feeling able to go without seeing her 8 month old son for a few days is totally different to a father not wanting to not see him for a few days. Properly, demonstrably hormonally different.

I'm sure he will miss him, but this is important for your wellbeing - he's going to have to get on with it.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 14:21

@Choconut "unable to go anywhere because you can't drive, no public transport, reliant on him (bet he's loving that" in fairness, no he does not love that. He often says he can't wait until I can get a car again. He's had to drive me everywhere (GP/ Dentist/ specialist) and do all the nursery drop offs/ pick ups.

My existence is very lonely and I would like to take steps to change that. I get told the usual things join a club etc but there really is very little around here. I joined slimming world for a while. It is very difficult making new friends in a rural area which is something I had not fully anticipated.

I will go, I'll make sure it works out.

OP posts:
Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 14:23

BanditsGravyStain · 29/03/2023 14:14

me and DS going away will be lonely for him
But your entire existence is lonely because you’re playing farmers wife. He doesn’t care about that does he? You’re making excuses for
him Op.

Quite,

Controlling people don't necessarily have awful abusive motives. They can still be controlling. He's isolated you more or less completly and is now refusing you access to your support network by guilt tripping you emotionally and not helping faciliate it logisitcally (by helping with transport or coming with you). His actions are controlling.

Botw1 · 29/03/2023 14:25

If the roles were reversed and a mum was expressing concern about the dad taking his baby away without mum these responses would be very different

You should still go though. You'll all be fine

Lindy2 · 29/03/2023 14:30

Your plan sounds absolutely fine.

I'm struggling to see why your DH has a problem with it. My DH would be encouraging me to go and have a lovely time visiting family.

Mummynextdoor · 29/03/2023 14:48

My family love 5 hours away including a plane ride. I took DS to visit them when Jews was 5 months old and I was on maternity leave. DH stayed to work. We face timed regularly and all was good.

I now have two children and I go to my home town approximately twice a year. DH stays to work - think he enjoyed the uninterrupted sleep!

Newyearnewmeow · 29/03/2023 15:00

He obviously thinks he is the boss with his We’ll see’s and crossing bridges. It does seem controlling!
I would be hiring a car and going for as long as I like. Don’t set a precedent.

SunshineAndFizz · 29/03/2023 15:05

My DH would pay good money to have a few days in the house to himself without us and the kids.

No children to look after. Eat what you like. Watch whatever tv you like. Sleep as much as you like.

Not sure what the issue is?

Cherrysoup · 29/03/2023 15:07

Not controlling when he says ‘We will see/cross that bridge when it comes to it’? He IS controlling and is effectively trying to stop you going. He may miss the baby, but tbf, you’ve moved away from family, he needs to understand that of course you want to see your them!

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 15:12

Botw1 · 29/03/2023 14:25

If the roles were reversed and a mum was expressing concern about the dad taking his baby away without mum these responses would be very different

You should still go though. You'll all be fine

Well, if the mum was breastfeeding and the dad wanted to take the baby away for a night, there would absolutely be different responses.

Because it would be a different situation entirely.

FiveHundredDucksWentOutOneDay · 29/03/2023 15:13

On the face of it, it's fine.

In reality; I'd hate to be away from my 15mo for a week; let alone younger. I can completely see why DH doesn't want you to go.

I haven't been able to drive for medical reasons since I had my baby either. It is really spectacularly shit and you have my sympathy; honestly, it's horrible relying on lifts and I live in a town and there's still basically no public transport. It was "underused", apparently. Anyway... even with that, I think it's unreasonable to take DS away for so long. You've acknowledged you didn't like being away for over a night.

Will he come and get you on Tuesday?

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 15:14

BanditsGravyStain · 29/03/2023 14:14

me and DS going away will be lonely for him
But your entire existence is lonely because you’re playing farmers wife. He doesn’t care about that does he? You’re making excuses for
him Op.

Exactly this.

Why isn't he worried about you being lonely or trapped?

Why isn't he encouraging you to see your family?

HolidayHappy123 · 29/03/2023 15:16

Your DH is being ridiculous. A breast fed baby cannot be away from its mother for too long but there is absolutely no reason why your DH can't spend a night away from your DS. He will have plenty of opportunity for father-son adventures without you in the future.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 29/03/2023 15:16

your life sounds miserable OP! i'd stay the whole week - actually id probably go and never come back to that life stuck on a farm with no car and no life :(

I really hope you can drive again soon

I call bullshit on your husbands reasoning - he will be working all day on the farm so wont see you or your son all day anyway so what difference is it it to him f you are stuck at home on your own all day or you are somewhere else

Duckingella · 29/03/2023 15:17

He doesn't want you to go?;fine.

But it's not up to you to convince him to let you go back home with your mum for a couple of nights to see family.You do not need his permission.Tell him your going,end of discussion.You say he's not controlling but he is;your blind to it.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/03/2023 15:18

" we will see, cross that bridge when we get to it "

If my husband said this to me my hackles would be right up op and there would be an immediate discussion with very firm words about speaking to me like a child and me demanding why he thought he could get away with it.

What is he like with your mum when she visits btw?

Caterina99 · 29/03/2023 15:27

I took my kids to visit my family across the Atlantic when they were babies. For weeks. DH couldn’t have that much time off work so he usually joined us for the last week.

To be honest I don’t think it was hard for him at all, I think he loved his peaceful time alone. Probably missed us a bit, but I certainly didn’t feel bad for him.

If your DH is busy on the farm right now does he even see you and DS that much? Farmer friends round me work long hours during busy times! You’d be staying home alone all day to facilitate him spending an hour or so a day with DS.

N4ish · 29/03/2023 15:33

Really does sound like he's trying to isolate you from family and friends, I'm not convinced missing is the baby is the real reason for his reluctance. Please, please take a stand and go!

billy1966 · 29/03/2023 15:38

A really loving husband, knowing how isolated and lonely your life is, would do everything he could to encourage you to take this opportunity and use it.

A controlling man who likes to know exactly where you are all the time, would try and guilt you and thereby ruin it for you.

Why EXACTLY are you without a car?