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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Take DS to visit my family - DH uncertain

173 replies

pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 11:24

My family live about 2.5 hours away and I haven't been down since I had DS 8 months ago.

I am taking Easter week off work (I have to the nursery is closing). My mum will be staying with us Easter weekend and I was thinking it would be nice to go back to my home town with her on the Monday and stay for a few nights then a few days later she could drive me half way home and DH could meet us. Or she could drive us the whole way back on Saturday. All my family is there and DS can see his similar aged cousins. I can meet up with friends. Wander around the shopping centre. Get a coffee in costa. Maybe even go to the cinema. Get an Indian take-away.

I live very rurally and currently do not have a car (hopefully will soon). But even if I did the closest town has a population of 1,500 so not a lot going on. I've no friends here and pretty much live in my tiny bubble. I WFH also so minimal social contact, I could really do with this!

DH's side. He has never spent a night away from DS and understandably is anxious about that. I've spent 1 night away from him but not a full 24 hrs. So I appreciate that it might be a big ask. He also has a lot going on his parents are not in the best of health. His dad recently had pneumonia DH farms alongside FIL so that has meant DH doing extra work.

DS is still breast fed, but will take formula so that's not a huge issue. But with nursery being closed I can't really leave him here as DH can't exactly take him farming all day! Also honestly, I want to bring him with me. I want him to meet my side of the family, he has meet a lot of them but only once and when he was a few weeks old. I want him to know my family too. I love my ILs and they see them a few times a week, but my family exist too.

YABU - Do not go to hometown.
YANBU - Do go to home town

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/03/2023 12:45

I think given he doesn't go there anyways, ds aside, he can't take issue with you going. And as ds is breastfed and looked after by you when not in nursery then obviously ds has to come too.

I'd ask him outright "seeing as you never come anyways, are you suggesting me and ds never go without you?"

35965a · 29/03/2023 12:48

Red flags everywhere

35965a · 29/03/2023 12:49

BeeDavis · 29/03/2023 12:37

If this was a father wanting to take his child to visit his family without the mother, the replies to this would be very very different.

Of course, because it is completely different.

Theelephantinthecastle · 29/03/2023 12:49

Apart from everything everyone else has said, WTF is this about not liking your home town and therefore never visiting? I don't actively like the cities my in laws live it, it's never occurred to me that I should therefore never bother to go and see them. It's just part of life!

Lcb123 · 29/03/2023 12:52

Please go. It sound quite controlling. You are doing a very normal thing, taking advantage of your time off and seeing family. It’s not your fault he can’t come along to.

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 12:53

Lcb123 · 29/03/2023 12:52

Please go. It sound quite controlling. You are doing a very normal thing, taking advantage of your time off and seeing family. It’s not your fault he can’t come along to.

Or won't.

Eyerollcentral · 29/03/2023 12:58

Your husband is incredibly selfish. You are a couple. You live marooned in the middle of nowhere and he can’t be bothered to go and even visit your family overnight? I would go for at least 2 nights - it’s a long enough journey to do with a baby twice in two days. Why do people get married if they don’t want to have anything to do with their spouse’s life? You need to be clear now that your family and life before him aren’t going to go away. And no he is not anxious about the baby going away, he is just trying to guilt you in to not going. Worrying.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 12:59

@spidereggs Calving has just started here too. To be fair before we got married/ had DS I said I will still be going to 2 week holidays every summer, taking DC away etc and he agreed. But things have changed, I suppose reality hits.

If I had a car, there is no way he would try stop me, or say I couldn't go. He's not saying I can't go now. He is saying 'we will see', 'we will cross that bridge', I feel like a huge burden for not being able to get there myself.

The nearest bus is a 3.5 hour walk away according to google maps. So I can't just go as some have suggested. I wouldn't walk those roads with DS, too dangerous.

He really isn't controlling, he is a great husband. Very kind, caring, has supported me through a lot. He is just very stressed with the farm right now and his parents. So me and DS going away will be lonely for him. As I said, I don't think I would like to not see DS for a few nights I would miss him a lot. But no as others have said if DH hadn't been to his home town for months I wouldn't object.

But yes I do deserve to spend time with my family. I more than likely will go down, I will sort a lift with my mum and if needs be get public transport most of the way home and get DH to collect us, but I think he will come collect us. It's a nightmare on public transport with 3 changes!

OP posts:
Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 29/03/2023 13:02

Go and enjoy yourself!

Desperatelywantinganother · 29/03/2023 13:04

Set up a time to video call every evening just for a few minutes - he could read your son a bedtime story. But you should go.

PizzaPizza56 · 29/03/2023 13:09

If I offered to go away for a few nights with DS and leave DH alone at home he wouldn't believe his luck! (DS is 9 months and bf)

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2023 13:11

Saying “We’ll see” is what you say to a child when you mean no. He’s infantilising you by not making a proper plan with you

bubbles2023 · 29/03/2023 13:12

@BeeDavis
I don't think they would. Obviously taking an exclusively bf baby away from its source of food wouldn't be doable, but from about 10 months I went away with friends for the odd weekend and dh did take dc to his sisters for a few nights. Personally I loved the break and dh loved the time with dc.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/03/2023 13:12

BeeDavis · 29/03/2023 12:37

If this was a father wanting to take his child to visit his family without the mother, the replies to this would be very very different.

If a woman came on here to say her dh wanted to take their child to his folks for a few days while she worked and he was off doing the childcare anyways, she would be told to get over it, enjoy the peace. Get wine in. Let then bond. Especially if she said she never goes to the in laws because she doesn't like it.

Theelephantinthecastle · 29/03/2023 13:13

If I had a car, there is no way he would try stop me, or say I couldn't go

So it's not about missing the baby then?

It's about making you feel bad for your medical issues meaning that you can't drive?

Quartz2208 · 29/03/2023 13:16

a lot seems to be centred around him and his needs but you have needs as well as does your child.

You are a team and he should respect that you have given up so much to follow him that he needs to make sacrifices to

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 13:17

Just go. He’ll cope.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 29/03/2023 13:18

Sorry this sounds really controlling!!

I'm taking my 2 year old to Ireland for the Easter break because same - Nursery closed for the week and i'm not going to sit around on my own for a week when I could have a little holiday with my family!

Everyone here is at work so the week would be so lonely for me

It wouldn't occur to me to even need to ask my husband if this was an ok plan tbh - i did say he was welcome to join us but he's got a busy work week and he can have a bit of time to himself so he said go and enjoy ourselves!

Number24Bus · 29/03/2023 13:19

Definitely go! Have a lovely time.

Yellowdays · 29/03/2023 13:20

Go.

billy1966 · 29/03/2023 13:24

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2023 13:11

Saying “We’ll see” is what you say to a child when you mean no. He’s infantilising you by not making a proper plan with you

So he agreed something before you had children?

Has gone back on his word?

And speaks to youike I would to pacify a child?

Has he ever heard you say No?

Is he one of those lovely men, until you say No, or decide to do something they disagree with?

Because if I was your mother I would be appalled at your situation.

Also there wouldn't be money spent on ANYTHING if it was required for me to have a car.

My husband rarely drives his car as we are very urban, but there is no way he is sharing mine.

You need to get a car asap.

You are very very vulnerable to a parent/child dynamic in your relationship but appear oblivious to it.

It is all about him and his comfort.

Wake up OP, please.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 29/03/2023 13:28

Go and FaceTime him while you're there. He can have his sadness about being apart from the baby but that shouldn't stop you from a few days away.

Rarar · 29/03/2023 13:35

So the pro's list for you going is a mile long (you get to see your family, have some social time and some company/support with looking after DS solo, and DH gets to concentrate entirely on the farm and his parents) and the con's list is solely that DH will be anxious and miss DS? Yeah that's a no-brainer OP, of course you should go and you need to point out to DH that he is being entirely selfish if he makes you feel bad about it.

It's understandable for him to miss DS of course but that shouldn't mean he tries to restrict or make you feel guilty about doing perfectly normal things like visiting your family. That would be controlling and manipulative of him and I would be saying as much to him if he objects to your decision to go. I think it's important that a precedent isn't set here too, it's possible he's become a bit too used to you being 'confined to barracks' recently and it's important that doesn't become the norm.

mindutopia · 29/03/2023 13:39

Just go and enjoy. Gosh, when ours were that age, if one of us had offered to take them away for a week, the other would have packed their bags for them in about 30 seconds and out the door they went. I wish dh would take dc to visit his family and leave me at home. It would be absolute bliss for a week!

whynotwhatknot · 29/03/2023 13:50

i say we'll see to children to placate them before i say no-your not his child your his spouse

not up to him-and if he wont pick you up from the station that says it all