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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Take DS to visit my family - DH uncertain

173 replies

pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 11:24

My family live about 2.5 hours away and I haven't been down since I had DS 8 months ago.

I am taking Easter week off work (I have to the nursery is closing). My mum will be staying with us Easter weekend and I was thinking it would be nice to go back to my home town with her on the Monday and stay for a few nights then a few days later she could drive me half way home and DH could meet us. Or she could drive us the whole way back on Saturday. All my family is there and DS can see his similar aged cousins. I can meet up with friends. Wander around the shopping centre. Get a coffee in costa. Maybe even go to the cinema. Get an Indian take-away.

I live very rurally and currently do not have a car (hopefully will soon). But even if I did the closest town has a population of 1,500 so not a lot going on. I've no friends here and pretty much live in my tiny bubble. I WFH also so minimal social contact, I could really do with this!

DH's side. He has never spent a night away from DS and understandably is anxious about that. I've spent 1 night away from him but not a full 24 hrs. So I appreciate that it might be a big ask. He also has a lot going on his parents are not in the best of health. His dad recently had pneumonia DH farms alongside FIL so that has meant DH doing extra work.

DS is still breast fed, but will take formula so that's not a huge issue. But with nursery being closed I can't really leave him here as DH can't exactly take him farming all day! Also honestly, I want to bring him with me. I want him to meet my side of the family, he has meet a lot of them but only once and when he was a few weeks old. I want him to know my family too. I love my ILs and they see them a few times a week, but my family exist too.

YABU - Do not go to hometown.
YANBU - Do go to home town

OP posts:

FilthyforFirth · 29/03/2023 12:07

I agree DH sounds an arse to be honest and controlling. It wouldnt have occured to me to ask my DH, when on mat leave, I simply told him this is what was happening. As he was working, he was always happy for me to take DS away for a few nights to see family etc.

Not ok that he has totally tapped out of your side of the family/life. I would not put up with that. Your DS has two families and deserves to know them both equally well.

Just go! What is he going to do? Because if you are scared of his reaction or need his permission then this is another thread.

Goldbar · 29/03/2023 12:08

I don't understand his anxiety because tbh my DH has zero issue with me taking our baby and older DC to visit my family, especially given I do most of the day-to-day care for them.

However, I understand that he has this anxiety - so maybe discuss what you could do to make it easier for him in terms of video calls and messages so he knows everything is OK.

What is clearly unreasonable is for his anxiety to control your life/movements, keep you isolated and prevent you visiting your family, with or without the children. He needs to find ways to manage it.

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 12:12

My god you are almost a prisoner. I don't drive either but I choose not to as I've always lived in London and it's never restricted my freedom.

You're essentially trapped on a farm with your husband and his family and he's trying to stop you introducing your 8 month old child to your own family?

This is frightening.

Original poster

pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 12:19

@Shoxfordian I HATE living where we live without a car, but I had one when I moved here and it is nothing at all to do with DH that I do not have a car currently. And as I am constantly reminded (by GP not DH) it won' be forever. I cannot wait to have a car back!! There will be no stopping me. Even things like going to the GP I have to ask for a lift, it's very frustrating.

With regards him not coming to my home town. He really doesn't like it there. I used to go down every month or so before covid and usually either went out with my friends for the night, had a night in with my mum and visited other family. He isn't into going out at all and wouldn't enjoy sitting in with me, mum, a take away and the likes of Downton Abbey on. So I don't see the point/ need for him to come.

I think I will go, I want to. My mum wants me to. He will be fine, of course he will miss DS but it had to happen at some point.

OP posts:

Novita · 29/03/2023 12:20

I would just go. I flew with my three month old baby to my home country alone for a week. I did the same with the next one. Toddler stayed with dh.

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 12:21

pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 12:19

I think I will go, I want to. My mum wants me to. He will be fine, of course he will miss DS but it had to happen at some point.

The "point" in him coming is to enable you to access your support network when he is refusing to let you leave without him. Or at least guilt tripping you not to because he will miss the baby.

spidereggs · 29/03/2023 12:21

YANBU

Farmers wife here, DH family farm, elderly parents.

I go away every Easter myself with the kids. Centre parcs, caravan, even in covid I stayed in caravan off grid on farm.

He's lambing, calving, dealing with his parents, He is completely supportive of me going with kids.

Red flag for me that this is even an issue for your DH

NotJohnWick · 29/03/2023 12:25

He won't come with you. You can't leave the baby with him. He doesn't want you to take the baby with you.

You're completely trapped and he's completely unreasonable. You should be able to take your child to see your family. I've taken both my DC to see my family without DH numerous times.

It's utterly unfair to leave you at home, lonely, isolated, cut off from your family. It's utterly unfair to your baby to deny them the chance to bond with relatives. Go. And consider staying away.

Radiatorvalves · 29/03/2023 12:27

Just go! It’s a few days and absolutely normal. My situation was different with DH being in the forces. He was away most of DS first year and I travelled a lot (round uk to visit family), to France with my dad, to various places (worldwide) to see DH. Their relationship was not impacted adversely.

billy1966 · 29/03/2023 12:27

You are like a flipping prisoner.

Horrifying read.

He refuses to go to your home town?

You are car less?

Living hours away in the arsehole of nowhere?

Not seen your family in 8 months since the baby was born.

He's anxious?

Red flags galore.🚩

This sounds like a hugely controlling, isolating relationship.

I would be very very concerned for you.

He is 100% controlling you.

His refusal to visit where you live is NOT normal.

This is really chilling.

Absolutely pack a bag and go for the week.

Have a think.

Your set up is not normal at all.

Ring Women's aid for a chat to check.

EyesOnThePies · 29/03/2023 12:30

This is a fully normal thing to do, OP.

Whatsshecalled · 29/03/2023 12:30

Is he really anxious about it? Genuinely? Or just trying to stop you going? Because I can't see anything at all even slightly unreasonable about your plans and it would be such a positive thing for you.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 29/03/2023 12:31

He sounds controlling op. My exh used to engineer rows before I was due to meet my dm. Then he would text me all day. Checking up.
Your ds is entitled to spend time with your family op. Just as he already does with dh's... You are entitled to see your family too. Remember you aren't a spaniel that has to be tied to the home gate..

LumpyandBumps · 29/03/2023 12:32

Seeing as you have to use your annual leave as your child’s nursery is closing for the week, therefore taking on all of the day time childcare to enable your husband being able to work uninterrupted ( I realise it’s probably a busy time), I think it’s entirely up to you what you choose to do with that time.
Of course he will miss you and your baby, but especially as you are currently unable to drive it is unreasonable and unrealistic of him to expect you to be stuck at home the whole time.

bubbles2023 · 29/03/2023 12:32

I understand your dh will miss baby but I think he's being selfish. You haven't been to your hometown, you want to see family and friends and you're going to take your bf baby with you. I lived a short flight from my family and friends when dc was small. From 2 months I was regularly travelling home. Sometimes dh would come but mostly he wouldn't. Tbh it would've caused massive issues if he'd but barriers up, given that I moved away from my family to be with him, and he had his around the corner.

Whatsshecalled · 29/03/2023 12:35

Oh and sorry, but any attempt to stop you spending time with your own family is quite worrying.... I've seen this in so many couples, on either side male/female, where they just make it a little bit too inconvenient for the other to see family/friends, until a few years down the line they realise how isolated they are.

LighterNights · 29/03/2023 12:37

I think its perfectly reasonable, my dh wouldn't bat an eye, although he'd miss us. Your dh is an adult, he needs to think like one and recognise this is something both you and his ds will enjoy, even though he won't. It's what grown up people do.

BeeDavis · 29/03/2023 12:37

If this was a father wanting to take his child to visit his family without the mother, the replies to this would be very very different.

Dancemonkee · 29/03/2023 12:39

pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 11:32

I would go for 1 night if it was possible. I can be reviewed to drive in a few months (boring medical stuff) so for now I rely on lifts as public transport is non existent where we live. My mum works full time so I wouldn't ask her to drive from my house to hers on the Monday then drive me half way back on the Tuesday.

DH has no desire what so ever to come to my hometown. He has never liked it. Long before DS he stopped coming down all together apart from events he couldn't really get out of.

I wouldn't like to not see DS for a few night so I can understand DH's point.

Hhmm. I don't like him. Refusing to go to your home town. Wants you to be isolated on his farm in the middle of nowhere. Sounds controlling tbh.

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 12:39

BeeDavis · 29/03/2023 12:37

If this was a father wanting to take his child to visit his family without the mother, the replies to this would be very very different.

No they wouldn't. Especially not if the mother was out of the house all day, and also refusing to accomodate contact with the father's family by refusing to go herself, refusing to accomodate the father going without the child by providing childcare AND but also saying that the dad couldn't go without her.

Codlingmoths · 29/03/2023 12:42

Go of course go!! It would be very selfish of your dh to stop you seeing your family. Ours are in Australia so we went back while I was on each of my first 2 mat leaves when bub was about 6 months and Dh stayed 3 weeks then went back to work and I stayed an extra 3 weeks.

Dancemonkee · 29/03/2023 12:42

BeeDavis · 29/03/2023 12:37

If this was a father wanting to take his child to visit his family without the mother, the replies to this would be very very different.

It's a breastfed baby whose father works long hours. It would be a very very different situation requiring very very different answers.

Why is there someone on every thread pointing out how things would be different if OP was male?

Novita · 29/03/2023 12:44

I took three month old dc to my home country to see my relatives back there. Dh was ok with it. I stayed one week.

coldmarchmorn · 29/03/2023 12:44

Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 11:29

I think its fair enough for the first night away to be a bit nerve wracking

Show quote history

Why would it wrack your nerves for your child to be with their mother/primary caregiver, and their grandparents, and their extended family?

I don't get it.

coldmarchmorn · 29/03/2023 12:45

BeeDavis · 29/03/2023 12:37

If this was a father wanting to take his child to visit his family without the mother, the replies to this would be very very different.

And if it was an escaped prisoner or a talking Alsatian they would be different again.
What's your point?

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