Take DS to visit my family - DH uncertain

[pontipinemum]

My family live about 2.5 hours away and I haven't been down since I had DS 8 months ago.

I am taking Easter week off work (I have to the nursery is closing). My mum will be staying with us Easter weekend and I was thinking it would be nice to go back to my home town with her on the Monday and stay for a few nights then a few days later she could drive me half way home and DH could meet us. Or she could drive us the whole way back on Saturday. All my family is there and DS can see his similar aged cousins. I can meet up with friends. Wander around the shopping centre. Get a coffee in costa. Maybe even go to the cinema. Get an Indian take-away.

I live very rurally and currently do not have a car (hopefully will soon). But even if I did the closest town has a population of 1,500 so not a lot going on. I've no friends here and pretty much live in my tiny bubble. I WFH also so minimal social contact, I could really do with this!

DH's side. He has never spent a night away from DS and understandably is anxious about that. I've spent 1 night away from him but not a full 24 hrs. So I appreciate that it might be a big ask. He also has a lot going on his parents are not in the best of health. His dad recently had pneumonia DH farms alongside FIL so that has meant DH doing extra work.

DS is still breast fed, but will take formula so that's not a huge issue. But with nursery being closed I can't really leave him here as DH can't exactly take him farming all day! Also honestly, I want to bring him with me. I want him to meet my side of the family, he has meet a lot of them but only once and when he was a few weeks old. I want him to know my family too. I love my ILs and they see them a few times a week, but my family exist too.

YABU - Do not go to hometown.
YANBU - Do go to home town

I think its fine for a parent to take their child to visit family.

There was a thread on here about a husband wanting take his 3yo to see his family on his own and it was pretty unanimous that the wife should say no because it was unreasonable for a mother to be without her 3yo for a single night.

Strange how it's a controlling when a father says no, but it's praiseworthy when a mother says no.

You and about five other people on here are ignoring the fact that if one parent produces the baby's food with their body, there is a salient difference in the relationship. BFing mothers and fathers aren't 'equal' parents. They just aren't.

It's also important where and when the child is going. If it's as you say, please link the thread. I suspect the devil is in the detail.

Except the three year old wasn't breastfeeding. And mothers' attitudes were that they couldn't allow a child to be without them for a single night. So it has nothing to do with breastfeeding and everything to do with a parent wanting to spend every night with their child.

I don't have any problem with a child going away with one parent. I don't have a problem with parents saying they can't be separated from their child for a night. But it does seem to me that women on here have different rules for women than there for men - nothing to do with breastfeeding.

In the majority of cases, the mother is the primary care giver. I think it's wholly different. You clearly don't like that, but that's my opinion. Breastfeeding or not, in the majority of households the mother does the bulk of the childcare, has had maternity leave, is the one the child asks for when they're distressed or upset and taking the child away from the main caregiver is vastly different to taking them away from the parent who is not the main caregiver.

I'd prefer it if people stopped pretending otherwise.

I'd love a link to this thread. Because if it exists, I suspect the context will be totally different.

It was a different story but the comments were that posters wouldn't want to spend a night without their 3yo. Nothing to do with breastfeeding. They didn't think that the mother should allow the father to take the child on his own because they wouldn't like to be without their child.

I don't think you can have a situation where mothers expect the father to have equal responsibility for a 3yo in regards to childcare, but dont give equality when it doesn't suit them. That doesn't seem fair.

Was that the one where the Mum had just come back from 3 weeks overseas caring for a family member then arranging the funeral?

If you actually read my post instead of just being hellbent on making your point, you'd see that is actually the opposite of what I said.

Same with the OP, the child is 8 months old and dad works long hours as a farmer, do you think childcare is split evenly then?

Maybe it doesn't seem fair, and i can certainly see why it wouldn't seem fair to a father, but I know an awful lot of 3 and 4 year olds, and I don't know one that doesn't cry for Mummy not Daddy if they fall over or get upset. That's because their mums do the bulk of the care. So if you take in to account the need of the child, not just the need of the father to feel like an equal parent, it's easy to see why a mum taking them away to see her family is different to the dad.

If that was the one with the MIL who was terminally ill abroad, almost no one was telling her that.

No.

I did read your point about mothers doing everything and being primary caregivers. And I'm saying that I don't see many posts on here where mothers don't complain or expect that housework and childcare should be split equally. And that's pretty much universally supported. Because if parents are both working FT jobs, why shouldn't child care be split equallly? And if it is split equally, why shouldn't the father be able to take away their child equally to the mother? After all it happens when parents get divorced and children adjust very well to be looking after solely by their fathers for part of their lives.

Three points:

• i was talking about when mothers do do the vast majority of childcare, which in my experience even when both parents work full time is the case. Whether you think that's fair or not is irrelevant

• where fathers are not doing their bit, mothers are entitled to complain about it but it doesn't change the fact that they do the lions share and will likely continue to do so

• if you want to answer the question why it isn't split equally even if both parents work full time, you probably need to ask the fathers. Why has my ex husband refused to have our daughter more than 2 nights in 14? Why has my brother who works less hours than my sister in law got two hobbies that take up the majority of weekends, which he took up without consideration of childcare? Why does my friends husband go to the football then the pub most weekends without a second thought about childcare? But if my sister in law or my friend want to go to a yoga class, they have to check with their husbands if they'll be home. The mums are the default parent. I don't even have the option to consider the yoga class as he's made it clear he won't be having her outside his 48 hours a fortnight.

Regardless of what is correct and fair on paper, the reality is that women pick up the bulk of childcare. Why should we ignore reality in favour of what would technically be fair? And as the parent who does the bulk of the childcare, why is it then not fair to have more of a say in terms of taking the child away to see family? That parent knows their child better, can attend to their needs better, the child generally has a preference for that parent. Don't ignore the reality of the situation in favour of what is in theory fair. OP isn't asking an in theory question. And OP is clearly the primary caregiver.

I don't trust anyone who wants to ignore the reality of the situation, and of most situations. Your agenda doesn't fit here.

@Dancemonkee
I don't trust anyone who wants to ignore the reality of the situation, and of most situations. Your agenda doesn't fit here.

Oh, away with you and your agenda and trust. Don't project your problems with your ex onto others.
I already said I think parents should be able to take their children on their own so I answered the ops question. I just think that if you expect your partner to half the work, they should get the same respect over being away with their child.
So, tell me, what's my agenda?

Was it a thread that only exists in your head?

😂😂😂😂 No.

She isn't expecting him to do half the childcare, and he isn't doing half the childcare, so how is it relevant?

And I'm really not projecting my issues around my ex. A cursory scroll through AIBU or parenting boards would show you he is in no way unique in his unwillingness to parent. It's

Your agenda is trying to give the impression that fathers pick up equal childcare and therefore there is no difference between a father taking the child away as the mother. That is the reality in vanishingly few families.

It's not quite the reality in our home but it's also not far off. He does all the cooking or near enough, almost all the kitchen cleaning and he's in charge of nursery drop and collect 3 days a week. He does half of bath and bedtime most nihhts. I'm still with them more as I work slightly fewer hours.

If my husband wanted to take them both, including the breastfed at night toddler overnight and had made sensible provisions to do so I'd tuck myself into bed for 12 hours, clean the house and take myself out for breakfast.

Well then he can choose between visiting your hometown even though he doesn't like it, or you going alone with your son.

Trying to prevent you from taking your son to visit your side of the family a couple of hours away is unreasonable and controlling.

So glad you’re going OP. Your DH will be absolutely fine and you and baby will have a great time. You should plan trips like this regularly

Why won't you link it @Nightlystroll

@pontipinemum how did it go? Hope you had a great time.

I've spent today settling up our wee caravan on a seasonal seaside pitch for an easy change of scenery when farm so busy

@spidereggs went really well thanks for asking :)

Aw that's lovely. I did an online course with a woman who's husband contracts, she and the kids go to their caravan for half the summer and her DH comes down when he gets a chance.

I think something like that when DS + hopefully 1 more are older I could do something like that. We have a beautiful beach town less than 1 hour away.