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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Take DS to visit my family - DH uncertain

173 replies

pontipinemum · 29/03/2023 11:24

My family live about 2.5 hours away and I haven't been down since I had DS 8 months ago.

I am taking Easter week off work (I have to the nursery is closing). My mum will be staying with us Easter weekend and I was thinking it would be nice to go back to my home town with her on the Monday and stay for a few nights then a few days later she could drive me half way home and DH could meet us. Or she could drive us the whole way back on Saturday. All my family is there and DS can see his similar aged cousins. I can meet up with friends. Wander around the shopping centre. Get a coffee in costa. Maybe even go to the cinema. Get an Indian take-away.

I live very rurally and currently do not have a car (hopefully will soon). But even if I did the closest town has a population of 1,500 so not a lot going on. I've no friends here and pretty much live in my tiny bubble. I WFH also so minimal social contact, I could really do with this!

DH's side. He has never spent a night away from DS and understandably is anxious about that. I've spent 1 night away from him but not a full 24 hrs. So I appreciate that it might be a big ask. He also has a lot going on his parents are not in the best of health. His dad recently had pneumonia DH farms alongside FIL so that has meant DH doing extra work.

DS is still breast fed, but will take formula so that's not a huge issue. But with nursery being closed I can't really leave him here as DH can't exactly take him farming all day! Also honestly, I want to bring him with me. I want him to meet my side of the family, he has meet a lot of them but only once and when he was a few weeks old. I want him to know my family too. I love my ILs and they see them a few times a week, but my family exist too.

YABU - Do not go to hometown.
YANBU - Do go to home town

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 29/03/2023 19:17

I thought you meant you were taking ds to Egypt or something!of course you must go .surely he would be fine with this.maybe Skype him when you are there.he is being unreasonable.

jemimapuddlepluck · 29/03/2023 19:17

Halsall · 29/03/2023 19:17

I’m rather unimpressed by his complaints of ‘feeling lonely’ for a few days, when OP seems so very isolated and has confessed to feeling lonely pretty much all the time.

Most adults should be able to cope with their own company for a week or so, surely? I mean, it’s no time at all. @pontipinemum you wfh in an isolated location and have quite a young baby. You said you have ‘no friends’. It does sound as though your DH is extremely reliant on you and he doesn’t much like you being out of his sight. It feels quite concerning to me. It would be good to start establishing some independence and you definitely should go and see your family, imho.

This 100%

PogoThePunk · 29/03/2023 19:21

I often used to take my kids home to visit my family and friends alone.
Sometimes I drove and sometimes I flew.
If my DH had said anything against it, he would have been told where to go.
Your DH is being ridiculous.

theleafandnotthetree · 29/03/2023 19:22

Ladypuggerz · 29/03/2023 11:31

Damn, that sounds so lovely! Go have an adventure with your boy.

That first time away will be hard and different for all involved, but the benefits surely outweigh the difficulties. A week will (sadly!) fly by!

Going to visit family is not exactly scaling Everest (an adventure! 🙄) and why on earth should it be hard and difficult? It's about as banal and ordinary a thing to do as you could find. I am amazed you have not done it before. I am also a bit surprised to hear that the OP's husband is a farmer, I know many many farmers and none as wet as this, you can't afford to be.

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 19:47

SleepingStandingUp · 29/03/2023 19:08

Why do you need to know. She's said she can't. She said it isn't his fault. She said she'll be medically cleared soon. Why do you need the details? How does that affect anything? She's travelling and staying with family, she isn't a risk to him.

Show quote history

Because, its a massive part of the problem. And quite often the thing the OP skirts over turns out to be relevant as part of the bigger picture.

And it's possible that someone here can offer some advice. If we know why. Hope that's OK with you.

nomoremerlot · 29/03/2023 19:58

@GabriellaMontez what would be even more ok with posters, is if PPs read the OPs posts.

I mean it's only 7 of them!

It's not a big ask is it?

OP has a medical condition, so what "help" could you offer?

Is that ok with you?

Yogazmum · 29/03/2023 20:00

Just go!
Your DH is being ridiculous.
You can FaceTime.
I took DS away on my own abroad when he was 4 months old as DH couldn’t get time off work…& I continued to holiday alone with him until he started school. We Face Timed every night and I sent pics of the adventures we were having.

AnneElliott · 29/03/2023 20:13

Yes I would go back to my hometown. Ridiculous to expect you to sit in the house all day on your annual leave! If your DH doesn't like it, suggest he has DS that week while you go back on your own.

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 20:21

nomoremerlot · 29/03/2023 19:58

@GabriellaMontez what would be even more ok with posters, is if PPs read the OPs posts.

I mean it's only 7 of them!

It's not a big ask is it?

OP has a medical condition, so what "help" could you offer?

Is that ok with you?

No idea if I or anyone else could help because we don't know what the problem is.

But if the OP doesn't want to give details she doesn't have to answer.

No one needs you to police the thread.

Schoolchoicesucks · 29/03/2023 20:26

Please go. It will be good for you to spend a bit more time with family and meet your friends and introduce your DS. It will only be a few days.
DH will cope, it's only a few days away.

nomoremerlot · 29/03/2023 20:26

@GabriellaMontez OP states for medical reasons......

I would go for 1 night if it was possible. I can be reviewed to drive in a few months (boring medical stuff) so for now I rely on lifts as public transport is non existent where we live. My mum works full time so I wouldn't ask her to drive from my house to hers on the Monday then drive me half way back on the Tuesday.

How do you think you can help with the review? OP seems to have it totally under control.

Hmmmm2018 · 29/03/2023 20:29

I took my 4 month old abroad on my own to meet family, didn't even occur to me or my husband that that was odd (exclusively bf at the time so they went everywhere I went). Hope you get to go home and have a lovely time with friends and family

Ladypuggerz · 29/03/2023 20:29

theleafandnotthetree · 29/03/2023 19:22

Going to visit family is not exactly scaling Everest (an adventure! 🙄) and why on earth should it be hard and difficult? It's about as banal and ordinary a thing to do as you could find. I am amazed you have not done it before. I am also a bit surprised to hear that the OP's husband is a farmer, I know many many farmers and none as wet as this, you can't afford to be.

Show quote history

Not quite sure why you felt the need to pick at my comment.

Going away alone for the first time with little one, can feel like a big deal - particularly after a long time of raising baby in an isolated area and the demands of breastfeeding.

The parent left behind is bound to miss them - routine changes for both parties etc. I agree it should all be perfectly manageable, but everyone handles things differently.

Perhaps my language was too "wet" and overzealous for you. I was only trying to send a post of encouragement to OP.

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 20:36

nomoremerlot · 29/03/2023 20:26

@GabriellaMontez OP states for medical reasons......

I would go for 1 night if it was possible. I can be reviewed to drive in a few months (boring medical stuff) so for now I rely on lifts as public transport is non existent where we live. My mum works full time so I wouldn't ask her to drive from my house to hers on the Monday then drive me half way back on the Tuesday.

How do you think you can help with the review? OP seems to have it totally under control.

How could I possibly know without having an answer to the original question?

Who made you thread police?

nomoremerlot · 29/03/2023 20:40

@GabriellaMontez you've made yourself look ridiculous! OPs stated due to medical reasons, but that's not enough...??

Really?

Try reading the OPs posts.

Not the thread police, I thought that was you actually Grin

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 20:53

@nomoremerlot
I've read her posts. I've asked for more details. She doesn't have to give them. It's a discussion, that's how it works...

And you don't have to read my posts.

Bye.

nomoremerlot · 29/03/2023 20:55

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2023 20:53

@nomoremerlot
I've read her posts. I've asked for more details. She doesn't have to give them. It's a discussion, that's how it works...

And you don't have to read my posts.

Bye.

So she's said for medical reasons and awaiting reassessment and you want more??

Jesus, who do you think you are?

mogtheexcellent · 29/03/2023 20:59

Christ my farmer dh used to send me and DD to my parents when he was busy working so i had the right support.

We still go away during the harvest.

TruthsAndALie · 29/03/2023 21:02

I think I live in a different universe to MN sometimes. OP you sound lovely but in what world is your DH “uncertain” because you, his mother, want to take him to stay with family for a night or two. Can neither of you really not bare to be without DS for a night?

I did this frequently when on mat leave for a few days at a time and continued to do so. It was great for me, great for DC, great for the family, and was great for my DH as he sort of had a rest and so did I in a different way, then we all enjoyed being together again. I would hate to live in my DPs pocket like this.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/03/2023 21:23

You're talking about spending a few nights away from an adult man but taking the baby with you.
His family's health is neither here nor there, and he can't go with you and wouldn't want to anyway.
Is he seriously suggesting you shouldn't visit your friends and family without him, whilst knowing that he won't go with you?
What's his problem?
Pathetically dependent or controlling?

Codlingmoths · 29/03/2023 21:45

Dh: I don’t want you to go.
op: I have a new baby and spend all day every day with them. You spend all day at work, plus are busy and stressed with your family. Your family see our baby several times a week. I love my family and want their support. You are telling me I can’t see them?? Here are the options: you can drive me to see my family every weekend, or I can go stay for a few nights once a month.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 02/04/2023 22:01

Just wanted to update - I am going to go to my home town for a few days. I just started saying what I was going to do when there and asked him what date suited him to come collect us. I didn't ask if he would, just when he would.

To be honest I actually thought I was being a bit unreasonable taking DS away for a few night. Guess not!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/04/2023 23:36

Well done OP.

Enjoy your break.

We are here if you ever need to chat again.

Safe journey.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/04/2023 23:44

Have a lovely Easter break and catch up with your family op.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 02/04/2023 23:50

He's moved you rurally away from friends and family

Even before children he refused to visit your hometown making it more difficult for you to maintain connections.

He doesn't want you to go without him either and is claiming it's because of the baby.

He's controlling and potentially abusive is my take.

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