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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum wants to come on holiday with us

384 replies

Supermummy88 · 29/03/2023 10:03

Hey everyone,

I just need some advice. My husband wants to go on a beach holiday this year with me and the kids. We have one holiday every year and he hasn’t had any time off for a while. However, my mum really wants to come with us. My mum travels and goes on holidays about 4 times a year. My husband wants it to be just us, as he wants to just chill out and feels it won’t be the same if my mum comes. I don’t really know what to say to her because I feel really bad saying no and that we just want to go as a family. My husband said that considering she goes away 4 times a year and we only go once it’s not fair that we don’t get that time together as a family.

I’m thinking we will go with her this year and then next year we can go as a family just me husband and the kids. But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

Any suggestions?

Thank you x

OP posts:
PogoThePunk · 29/03/2023 11:12

I wouldn't even give it the slightest bit of consideration given the circumstances.
Don't tell her where your going either, I made that mistake once of telling my in laws many years ago where we were going.
I got the shock of my life when three days in I saw them getting off the transfer coach at our hotel!!
Then they literally followed us around for the rest of the holiday, we couldn't even eat a meal without them parking themselves up at our table.
Then they tried to bloody organise us.
' oh, you're going to the beach again? I thought we could ( insert activity )
' oh, you're going to the bar again tonight? I thought we could sit on the balcony with a glass of wine '
By day eight I well and truly let rip!
So sorry op, but I'm with your husband on this one. Your mum has several holidays, your husband gets one.

IWineAndDontDine · 29/03/2023 11:13

I don't think your mum is in the wrong from your OP and PPs aren't being fair to her at all. She's only asked to come along, she's allowed to do that. You are supposed to say yes or no. You don't imply she's guilting you or manipulating you or demanding you let her come. Unfortunately you are the one in the wrong as you aren't relaying all of your families wishes. I'm sure your mum wouldn't want to come if she knew your husband wasn't keen on it. Suck it up, I'm sure she's more resilient than you think

Ewock · 29/03/2023 11:13

Your dh has not put you in a difficult position, he has explained how he feels andwhat he would like to happen. This is his time with his kids and you. I'd be fuming with you. And I say that as a mum whose family goes on holiday with my parents for a week every year, this is only done as my husband agrees and it isn't our only holiday. If he didn't want to we wouldn't. I have had to speak to my dm when she wanted to go away at a different time with us which would have meant changing our plans for that half term, which we have with friends every year, I've firmly told her that won't happen.

You need to explain to your dm that it isn't possible this year.

Limer · 29/03/2023 11:14

Any suggestions?

"Sorry mum, we're going away as a family this year, just us"

Why are you scared of telling your mum this?

Would you like your MIL tagging along?

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/03/2023 11:14

Just tell her NO.

"Sorry mum - not this time. DH thinks we should have a bit of time together just us and the kids and I agree with him."

If she kicks off or makes you feel guilty about it, then you have a serious boundaries problem with your DM.

LadyLapsang · 29/03/2023 11:14

Unless you have missed information out, such as she is newly bereaved or seriously ill , then I agree with your DH. If you have the money, perhaps go away for a night or weekend with your DM.

cptartapp · 29/03/2023 11:17

Of course your DH is right. I think your DM is completely out of order trying to push herself in like this. It doesn't bode well for her expectations of you in the future. Set a precedent now. Your nuclear family come first.

EnVogue · 29/03/2023 11:17

100% with your husband here. If you bypass him, I would be telling you to go away with your mum and the kids and I'd stay at home. No way should your mum come, the dynamic will change instantly.

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/03/2023 11:18

GettingStuffed · 29/03/2023 10:19

Will she pay for herself? Babysit ? Will she do things by herself ?If so I'd consider it.

I must admit I'm looking at this from the MiL's point of view and I'd hate th think my family think so little of me. I'd also buy treats and meals.

Have you missed the bit where the husband said it's his only chance of a holiday with his family and he wants it to be just them?

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 29/03/2023 11:20

Op my advice is put your dh first not your mum.

You really need to tell your mum no because honestly this will ruin not only the holiday itself but your dh may not forgive you. It's very unfair of you to ignore his views and needs. Don't do it

Timelles · 29/03/2023 11:20

My MIL once gatecrashed a holiday to the Caribbean. Hubby was under the impression they would be joining us for a couple of days crossover at the end of our holiday / beginning of theirs but she then went and booked the exact dates as us and we found out because they “surprised us” at breakfast on our first day there. I was seething.

Every day they tried to catch us at breakfast, every day she would ask reception where we had booked for dinner and add them to our table. Every day she came across to the beach we went to, and pulled a sunbed up next me and hubby while her husband stayed inside the hotel room because he "hates heat".
I had two weeks of her dragging my hubby off to activities - scuba diving, paddle boarding etc. Swimming out to join us when we went to cool off in the sea. They joined us for all out of resort activities and WE paid for all the taxi's, food and drink on these activities, except the last night where they paid the $5 pp entry, but then refused to pay for bbq food because “we have food at the hotel”.
It really ruined the holiday for me and I’m still annoyed that she manipulated and lied to us so I would NOT invite your mother on holiday. Go on a girls weekend instead.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 29/03/2023 11:24

PogoThePunk

Omg that exact thing happened to me with my inlaws and 4 of dhs siblings!! Nearly drove me insane although they were camping near by snd we were at a hotel.

We went abroad for the next few years. Funny memories love them to bits but a holiday Is time for just your nuclear family

Wexone · 29/03/2023 11:24

Why has she asked to go ? Have you suggested it to her in a roundabout way? Do you secretly want her to go ? Surely as she goes on many holidays a year she can cope without you ? I am with your husbands side. To go on holiday with my mother or my in-laws would be my worst nightmare, but then i am very independent. It baffles me that grown women need to have their mother with them for every detail of their lives. They can still be part of your lives without having to go on holidays etc. My own husband is self employed so time off is very valuable and holidays will be just our family. I would be a big no here and would be apologizing to my husband. If you have a guilt with your mother suggest a weekend away with her you and the kids another time

BeaLola · 29/03/2023 11:25

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/03/2023 10:06

Your husband is right. Can she take you and the kids on one of her holidays?

This - it's not her choice - it's yours
Perhaps she can take the kids away or just you ?

smooththecat · 29/03/2023 11:26

Tell her it’s great that she’s offering to take you all away on one of her holidays.

SnarkyBag · 29/03/2023 11:27

He hasn’t put you in a difficult position your mum has. It’s fine for her to suggest it but she should be totally fine with you wanting your one holiday a year to be just family time.

Worldwide2 · 29/03/2023 11:28

You are not being fair to your husband, he's right she goes away 4 times a year. This is your only holiday as a family he deserves to relax without your mum there. The only one to put you in an awkward situation is your mum for demanding to come on holiday with you. Respect your husband and stand up to you mum for god sake and say no.

xogossipgirlxo · 29/03/2023 11:31

Ugh,my idea of nightmare. Especially when you have only 1 holiday a year. I'm with your husband on this.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/03/2023 11:32

Your DH hasn't put you in a difficult situation.

You and your mother have managed that all by yourselves.

Instead of being a grown up and saying to your mother "Mum, this is the one and only holiday that DH, I and the kids will get this year, while this would possibly be your third or fourth holiday (not that we're counting), we just want it to be for us. Perhaps if we go on a second trip, we'll be able to bring you along, but not this time"...you are actually going to invite her along for fear of upsetting her or something???

I know some people on the boards hate this expression but put on your big girl pants and tell her no.

WB205020 · 29/03/2023 11:32

Telll your mum she is welcome to come on holiday with you but she will need to pay for it...for her and for you 4 as the one you have planned is just for the 4 of you.

InSpainTheRain · 29/03/2023 11:33

I agree with your DH. Just say to your mum "sorry DH and I are just taking the kids this time". She won't like it but she shouldn't have asked.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/03/2023 11:33

Actually....I'm getting vibes of a reverse here...he's bringing his mother along and you don't want her to come...she goes on multiple holidays per year and she is inviting herself along to your holiday and he won't tell his mother no.

That's it, isn't it?

CrotchetyQuaver · 29/03/2023 11:34

How old are your kids? Would she be useful as a babysitter so you two can go out and have some time together in the evenings?

Have you asked her why she wants to come?

Lovingitallnow · 29/03/2023 11:35

@LookItsMeAgain i was thinking similar. One of those threads to prove it's different when a woman suggests brining her mother vs dh bringing MIL to prove that MN is anti-man. Except it's not different it's batshit either way. (To suggest your parent comes on holidays when your dp is against it- not batshit to go away with parents)

KatherineJaneway · 29/03/2023 11:36

If your DH is not happy for your Mum to come along, then you should respect his wishes as it is his holiday too. It is not fair for your Mum to push into a holiday she has not been invited on, it changes the dynamics.