My mum wants to come on holiday with us

[Supermummy88]

Hey everyone,

I just need some advice. My husband wants to go on a beach holiday this year with me and the kids. We have one holiday every year and he hasn’t had any time off for a while. However, my mum really wants to come with us. My mum travels and goes on holidays about 4 times a year. My husband wants it to be just us, as he wants to just chill out and feels it won’t be the same if my mum comes. I don’t really know what to say to her because I feel really bad saying no and that we just want to go as a family. My husband said that considering she goes away 4 times a year and we only go once it’s not fair that we don’t get that time together as a family.

I’m thinking we will go with her this year and then next year we can go as a family just me husband and the kids. But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

Any suggestions?

Thank you x

No,No,No.
I understand how hard it is to say no as I have a Mum who does the same thing.
The way i try to soften the blow is by saying we'll be doing lots of things she doesn't like/ can't do. e.g staying up drinking late or going on really long hikes. She then convinces herself that she doesn't want to go.

Agree with offering a long weekend in the future with you and the kids if you have time.

Agree with everyone else its not fair on DH. I get along with the inlaws & have happily holidayed with them in the past but it does change the dynamic. Could you & the DC join her on one of her other trips instead?

The answer is no, if your mum wants company suggests she pays for another holiday for you all as you can only afford one and want to spend it as a family.

Tell your mother you want some quality time with your household and you're sure she understands as it's your only holiday this year and she has many.

Please don't shove your husband and his need for some downtime with his family down the list of priorities. It's not fair.

If you have more annual leave than your husband a good solution would be that you go away with your mum and kids. Having vetoed the “whole family holiday with mil” scenario he can’t complain about being left alone.

Will she pay for herself? Babysit ? Will she do things by herself ?If so I'd consider it.

I must admit I'm looking at this from the MiL's point of view and I'd hate th think my family think so little of me. I'd also buy treats and meals.

When you say you are in a difficult position - have you already committed to your mum?
Either way, you and your mum are both unreasonable. Your DH has not had time off in a while and would like a restful break. You need to come clean with your mum and tell her ‘sorry, not this time’.

If my DH suggested taking his DM on our one holiday of the year, they would be going without me.

Do you often struggle to say no to your mother? I'd be absolutely livid if my husband invited my MIL along to our one family holiday, and I say that as someone who holidays with both sets of parents very happily every year.

He's totally reasonable to want a family holiday with just you and the children.

Just be honest with your Mum

'Sorry Mum but we really want some time as a family, me, dh and the kids, maybe we could do something later in the year, maybe a long weekend or you could come and stay with is'v

And I agree with PP. Your husband hasn't put you in an awkward position, your mother has. Come out of the FOG

I am imagining this in reverse, if DH insisted his mum came on our one, saved up for, annual holiday I'd refuse to go. I work all year and want a real relaxing break. And I like my MIL, just not for 10 days in a small apartment.

Yes your husband is right. Just say to your mum that this one is just for you guys and the kids, then maybe try for a long weekend with her and the kids separately.

Why don't you and the kids go on a seperate holiday with your mum?

Your DH is not being unreasonable not to want to spend his annual family holiday with his MIL.

If your mum doesn’t understand this then she’s seriously lacking in empathy.

It’s not your DH putting you in an awkward position.
Its your pushy Mum and your inability to stand up to her

Your DH is right.

Holiday time is so short and so valuable. If he can't relax properly and it's your mum there then it's not actually a holiday for him.

You need to tell your mum no (& apologise to your DH for making him feel guilty).

I havent read the replies but I know what they'll be. MN is very against anything like this. We are different in the sense that we holiday with his Mum as our family holiday, and me and him alone when we want our time. It works for us, but I fully understand its not everyone's cup of tea. It probably depends on the relationships, where I'm from everyone is so friendly and people do bigger family holidays etc, it's quite normal here.

No way should you give in to your mum. Are you scared of her or something? Is she abusive? Why would you not be honest with her and explain that it's your DH's only holiday, so it's about you and he having family time together?

I've had some lovely holidays with my in-laws, and my own kids occasionally invite me on short breaks with them, or suggest a short family holiday where we're all together. But I'd never dream of inviting myself on their holiday.

Your husband comes first. Your mum clearly has plenty of time and chances to go away. And don't blame him for this situation. Your mum is to blame.

It's very rude of your mum to even suggest this , she's the problem not your husband.

If I were your mum and had the budget for 4 holidays a year, I'd plan to offer to take you all on a second holiday at my expense as a gift. Might mean that was my entire holiday budget for the year, but that's a price I'd happily pay for the chance to holiday with my wider family without imposing.

Mumsnet isn't against a mixture of types of holiday at all. See my post above. But this is her husband's only holiday of the year. He doesn't get to have one with extended family and one just him, OP and the kids. Where there's only one holiday a year it's perfectly fine for it to be just parents and young kids.

This. I wouldn’t go if I was your husband and you ignored my wishes because you were too chicken to put your marriage and family before your pushy mum.

No, your mother needs to be told you are holidaying as a family alone, she doesn't get to invite herself at your husbands expense.
If you were insistent with this I'd go on holiday by myself and leave you to bugger off with the kids and your mother alone.

99% think you're unreasonable OP. Your going to have to start acting like an adult and tell your mum, sorry, but no.

Your mum sounds quite entitled. It's one thing to ASK (although, as you say, 4 holidays a year versus your one...) but then not to take it in good grace when the answer is 'no' and continue to press you - not good.