My mum wants to come on holiday with us

[Supermummy88]

Hey everyone,

I just need some advice. My husband wants to go on a beach holiday this year with me and the kids. We have one holiday every year and he hasn’t had any time off for a while. However, my mum really wants to come with us. My mum travels and goes on holidays about 4 times a year. My husband wants it to be just us, as he wants to just chill out and feels it won’t be the same if my mum comes. I don’t really know what to say to her because I feel really bad saying no and that we just want to go as a family. My husband said that considering she goes away 4 times a year and we only go once it’s not fair that we don’t get that time together as a family.

I’m thinking we will go with her this year and then next year we can go as a family just me husband and the kids. But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

Any suggestions?

Thank you x

Your husband is not the one who has put you in an awkward position.

FGS just say no.

Whilst I holiday most years with DH and my parents - everyone has to want to do this or it doesn't work.

Are you going to drip feed that every other year you go away with your MIL and this is the only year your dh hasn't insisted in her joining you?

YABU. Either one of you should get a veto on who goes on your family holiday. It's a completely different dynamic if you're with other people - lovely sometimes but also sometimes you just want it to be you and the dc.

Short break - yes, family holiday - no.
Goes without saying that your partner’s agreement is more important than your mother’s wants.

Only time we did it differently was a family destination wedding holiday. And even then we got separate accommodation.

Absolutely not.

I would not entertain this gor a minute.

If there is one annual holiday and either parent thinks it should be immediate family only, then that should be honoured.

I think it would be hugely unfair to include either grandparents when one of the couple don't want this.

Arrange to go away with your mother for a night or two, bring the children if you like, but the annual family holiday should be parents and children only, if that is what either parent wants.

@Laiste Wondered for a second there if you were my former sister-in-law recognising the scenario!

@Supermummy88 would you want to spend your one family holiday a year with your DH's parents?

It all depends on the individual dynamics, but I wouldn't want to save up all year and spend a lot of money (it is a lot of money to me) on a holiday that's not what I want. The biggest argument my ex and I ever had was about holidaying with his family every year, and that was only a few days out of the whole. I couldn't relax properly and I feel for your DH here.

I feel really bad saying no and that we just want to go as a family

Why would you feel bad about this, when there's absolutely no need for any unpleasantness? Simply tell her that your DH has had a difficult year, and that because he's missed out on time with the DCs this one is just for the four of you

I'd expect any normal mum to understand that, though if she doesn't it might suggest a back story ...

Sorry but YABU.

Also, I highly suspect that you saying yes to your mum this year will mean she expects to join you every year.

You should (if time and money allows) go away with your mum and kids separately, even if it's for a weekend/few days. Tell your mum that your family holiday is sacred because the 4 of you do not get much quality time together.

Is this a reverse?

He has not put you in any situation, your mother has and it was wrong of her to do so. She should not have invited herself, you should not have to say no and you most definitely do not have to feel bad about her not pushing into your family holiday.

Leave no room for confusion in your explanation. And you must tell your mum. Find the wording and practise it. Tell her as soon as possible because it will only get more difficult. An alternative weekend away with your mum sounds like a lovely idea, if you can afford it.

If I was your DH, I think I'd prefer to be in the office working rather than off on a 'relaxing' holiday with my MIL.

If you insist on inviting her, I'd offer your DH the option of going away somewhere by himself or with friends for a week, while you and your mother take the children somewhere by yourselves. I think that would only be fair.

YABU
Your DH wants to go away as a family unit without his MIL so that is what should happen.
No "Well, she comes this year and next year we go on our own" because that sets a precedent and makes it more difficult to say next time that you want to go on your own.

I think I would be upset if my only proper holiday with family had to be with my inlaws or even my parents. Could you compromise and arrange a weekend away with your mum with the kids as a extra thing (with or without your husband)?

I get on really well with my family but it is so nice to spend quality time with just us. If i had lots of holidays I wouldn't mind but we only really get one. It would be different if one of my parents or ils was lonely and didn't have people to go away with but as it is they are doing fun stuff all the time and are quire fit.

I love going on holiday with my family (siblings, their kids and parents). My only dc11 also prefers to have cousins with her. My dh would prefer if was just our nuclear family. Luckily we do have several holidays a year so we do compromise and get one just us. In your situation, be honest with your mum. If she wants to go on an additional holiday with you then she should offer to stump up the money. Leave your dh at home and go with her.

Tell her as soon as possible because it will only get more difficult

Yes, I agree with this too; much better to get it done before the excited plans for what you'll be doing together start to build up, leading to "Oh I was SO much looking forward to it!!"

I don't think she's done anything wrong by asking to come along and I don't think you'll be doing anything wrong by saying 'actually, mum, we really need a holiday just for us and the kids this year'. I don't think any (normal) parent would take offence at that. It's a different dynamic when there's an in-law there too.

I'd feel more pressure to allow her to come if she was socially isolated and hadn't been away in yonks, but luckily for her that's the opposite of her situation!

I'm expecting my husband (and SIL) to push for FIL to holiday with us this year. I don't care about the reasons, I don't want to, and won't be doing it.

I can't relax, I have to compromise on everything from accomodation to food to activities to suit FIL's limitations. DH's focus will be on FIL, I wouldn't even be able to feel comfortable lounging in my PJs and all conversation is guarded and formal.

So just tell your mum it doesn't work as you get so little time as a family & perhaps you & kids can go with her at another time.

Don’t do it. Bad idea and unfair on your DH. you need to nip this in the bud now!

I have a sneaking suspicion you've already said yes to your Mum and are now looking at ways to persuade your DH. Or at the least you didn't shut her down when she asked.

Sorry but you've got to put your big girl pants on and tell her - not this year. Your focus has to be your DH in this not your Mum. And don't let her drag the kids into this, either indirectly or even worse directly.

A simple "Mum about the summer holiday, I've had a chat with DH and we've decided the holiday is just for the 4 of us after a hard year." On repeat if necessary.

It is not about thinking little of anyone at all. Actually, having more respect for her changes the holiday dynamic even more! I don't care how many treats there are, it just is not as relaxing on holiday outside my own wee unit. Not even with my own family,never mind the in laws.

This.

I'm with your DH 100%.

Haven’t voted as I don’t understand which way the AIBU is. But your mother is extremely selfish to want to crash your only family holiday of the year, especially when she has other holidays. Even worse that she doesn’t accept a no with good grace.
If she hasn’t done this before, depending on how old she is and her situation e.g. work and health, I’d wonder if she was working towards wanting to be “looked after” by you, and more dependent on you than she has been in the past. Might not be relevant but it’s possible. Will she expect to come with you next year, and the year after?
Your husband isn’t putting you in a difficult position, she is. Your husband isn’t inviting himself to a holiday you’d planned for you and your mother, it’s the other way round. So I do wonder why you are seeing it as a problem of his causing.

I feel for you. In your situation, I'd be clear that I'd rather stay at home - my DH and SIL could take FIL away together with my blessing and I'd take my DC somewhere separately (or they could have the DC as well) but I would not be joining.

Your mum is being selfish. I'm not sure any explanation would be satisfactory to her.