Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum wants to come on holiday with us

384 replies

Supermummy88 · 29/03/2023 10:03

Hey everyone,

I just need some advice. My husband wants to go on a beach holiday this year with me and the kids. We have one holiday every year and he hasn’t had any time off for a while. However, my mum really wants to come with us. My mum travels and goes on holidays about 4 times a year. My husband wants it to be just us, as he wants to just chill out and feels it won’t be the same if my mum comes. I don’t really know what to say to her because I feel really bad saying no and that we just want to go as a family. My husband said that considering she goes away 4 times a year and we only go once it’s not fair that we don’t get that time together as a family.

I’m thinking we will go with her this year and then next year we can go as a family just me husband and the kids. But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

Any suggestions?

Thank you x

OP posts:
wentworthinmate · 30/03/2023 21:03

Slippery slope.

nomoremerlot · 30/03/2023 21:04

KatherineJaneway · 30/03/2023 20:40

OP has not returned.

Maybe she's on holiday with her mum?

Ontheperiphery79 · 30/03/2023 21:07

Nope, YOU have put your husband in a difficult position.

Anonymouseposter · 30/03/2023 21:21

I'm in the grandmother age group. If I was your Mum I would want you to just tell me that you wanted a holiday with just your husband and kids this time. Do you think your Mum would be offended if you just told her?

Jack80 · 30/03/2023 21:23

I would say can we have a holiday for her, you and the kids even a weekend away but this holidays is for you, husband and kids sorry.

DeliaOwens · 30/03/2023 22:30

It would be a No from me too, and my folks are pretty good company. You don't have a difficult husband, you have an entitled Mum.

If you need to, practice the conversation you will have with a good friend who can play out various scenarios so you won't get tongue tied

My suggestion is to say. "We have decided, that we will have this holiday as just us" if she says "oh but this"or "oh but that"...repeat "no, this holiday will be me, DH and kids." Ensure you mention strongly this is your ONLY family holiday and she has lots of other trips to look forward to.

Absolutelyridiculous · 30/03/2023 22:52

From my perspective as The Mum...i think you should go on your own with hubbie & family..she will fully understand and as she has plenty of holidays.im.sure she won't mind.. maybe she doesn't particularly want to go either..??

ReallyTryingTo · 31/03/2023 00:52

I'm with your husband on this one.
My MIL is fab but I don't think I could relax while away with her, well I know I couldn't. Once a year my partner takes her away (UK), they'll generally go for 5-7 days and depending on where I normally just tag on for the weekend and leave again on the Sunday night. So I leave them to it. 🤣

mustgetoffmn · 31/03/2023 02:33

Something wrong with the vote system here it doesn’t accept uNBU just turns it into URBU. Obvious that people think URNBU. I think it’s insensitive and rude of your Mum to put you in this situation. Just say not this time Mum. DONT mention that DH is objecting it will set up bad feeling and she doesn’t need this information.

MumOfOneAwesomeHuman · 31/03/2023 06:33

Did it once. Never again. Least relaxing holiday of my life!

Casperroonie · 31/03/2023 08:10

Her mum most likely doesn't understand how it wouldn't be right for her not go, hence the suggestion. Calling her rude is unfair though, you don't know the lady she might just be totally unaware and perfectly lovely.

Casperroonie · 31/03/2023 08:10

*to go

FreedomForties · 31/03/2023 08:34

I am in the same position as your husband, regularly. Father-in-law regularly invites himself onto our holidays or family events/days out (always the fun stuff, but never around through the hard times, but that's another story!) He assumes everyone wants his company. He is away on his own trips literally half the year!
Like your husband, I definitely want just family times with DH and DC without FIL, especially after working so hard all year, and he puts us in an awkward position, and it causes tension sometimes between me and husband. But thankfully husband understands my position and has had to say no before to FIL - uncomfortable for everyone, but needs saying. Last time he announced he would be arriving at our rented holiday cottage by 9.30am on first morning- he was told no!
You need to do the same and prioritise your husband, and be firm with your mum.

Ukrainebaby23 · 31/03/2023 09:14

In opposition to most of the replies, my thought is
I wish I could take my mum, my real mum, my step mum, my stand in mum, any of them, but I can't. So yes, I'd say take your mum.

diddl · 31/03/2023 09:43

So yes, I'd say take your mum.

Instead of her husband?

coldmarchmorn · 31/03/2023 09:52

Ukrainebaby23 · 31/03/2023 09:14

In opposition to most of the replies, my thought is
I wish I could take my mum, my real mum, my step mum, my stand in mum, any of them, but I can't. So yes, I'd say take your mum.

I cant take my mum either, still doesn't mean I want my MIL on holiday with me.

That's a very self absorbed thought you gave.

Ukrainebaby23 · 31/03/2023 10:17

Actually no it's not 'self-absorbed' , its advice i would give anyone, to spend time with their loved ones while they can and if they want to. It's so they don't miss out on something that could make great memories, for them, their mother and DC. Do it this year, maybe next year don't, but do it anyway.
Seems like you don't share my view, that's OK, doesn't make me self absorbed.

Btw, I would take my MIL too, shes lovely but she's quite old and DGF doesn't want to come away. We go there instead, it's fun.

coldmarchmorn · 31/03/2023 10:23

It is self absorbed. YOU would like to do it, so other people should do it? That's self absorbed.
And "spend time with those you love"? Like your husband? You haven't considered him at all. Like I said, self absorbed. Also selfish.

diddl · 31/03/2023 10:25

Btw, I would take my MIL too, shes lovely

Op's husband doesn't want to go on holiday with his MIL.

Should he be made to?

Perhaps Op's mum should take her daughter on holiday sometimes when she goes?

smizing · 31/03/2023 10:36

Ukrainebaby23 · 31/03/2023 09:14

In opposition to most of the replies, my thought is
I wish I could take my mum, my real mum, my step mum, my stand in mum, any of them, but I can't. So yes, I'd say take your mum.

But the issue isn't about OP taking her mum on holiday. OP can absolutely do that if she wishes. The issue here is; OP's husband doesn't want his MIL to come on HIS only holiday with HIS family. How are we not understanding the difference here?

Telling OP to take her mum on holiday is not bad advice on the surface of it but are you saying that in this situation she should just ignore her husband's wishes? If it's the latter then that's just wrong.

5128gap · 31/03/2023 10:36

I'm in your mums position. My lovely adult DC often invite me away with them. But, that's the pertinent point, they invite me. Never do I suggest by a word or a hint that I have hopes or expectations of going (In honesty, I don't. Like your mum I have lots of holiday options so I'm not relying on them) Sometimes an invitation is forthcoming, sometimes not, and sometimes I accept, sometimes not.
If your mum has been making it clear she wants to go i think that's unfair of her tbh, as she should respect that the default is just your family, and she will be asked if you want to include her.
If I were her, the last thing I'd want is to encroach on your DHs holiday against his wishes, so if i were you I'd not put either of them in that position.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 31/03/2023 11:37

5128gap · 31/03/2023 10:36

I'm in your mums position. My lovely adult DC often invite me away with them. But, that's the pertinent point, they invite me. Never do I suggest by a word or a hint that I have hopes or expectations of going (In honesty, I don't. Like your mum I have lots of holiday options so I'm not relying on them) Sometimes an invitation is forthcoming, sometimes not, and sometimes I accept, sometimes not.
If your mum has been making it clear she wants to go i think that's unfair of her tbh, as she should respect that the default is just your family, and she will be asked if you want to include her.
If I were her, the last thing I'd want is to encroach on your DHs holiday against his wishes, so if i were you I'd not put either of them in that position.

Exactly this. You sound lovely, no wonder your dc often invite you 😊

LookItsMeAgain · 31/03/2023 11:46

@Supermummy88 - What have you decided to do in your situation?

T1Dmama · 31/03/2023 14:58

Book the holiday just for you and your husband and kids.
drop it into conversation with your mum that you’ve booked the holiday and mention that on this occasion you’d like it to be just be you 4.
As others have suggested, ask your mum if you can join her on one of her many holidays.
If she asks just tell the truth and tell her that your husband just wants you 4..

StormInaDcup99 · 31/03/2023 17:02

Your poor husband. You need to say something like....

Sorry mum......that's not going to work.......but would you like to go away with kid a, kid b and me for a long weekend somewhere?