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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum wants to come on holiday with us

384 replies

Supermummy88 · 29/03/2023 10:03

Hey everyone,

I just need some advice. My husband wants to go on a beach holiday this year with me and the kids. We have one holiday every year and he hasn’t had any time off for a while. However, my mum really wants to come with us. My mum travels and goes on holidays about 4 times a year. My husband wants it to be just us, as he wants to just chill out and feels it won’t be the same if my mum comes. I don’t really know what to say to her because I feel really bad saying no and that we just want to go as a family. My husband said that considering she goes away 4 times a year and we only go once it’s not fair that we don’t get that time together as a family.

I’m thinking we will go with her this year and then next year we can go as a family just me husband and the kids. But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

Any suggestions?

Thank you x

OP posts:
Didiplanthis · 29/03/2023 10:53

Good god... how can you think that is OK ??? Its your husbands ONE holiday and you think its ok to ignore what he has said and ruin it for him ?? If I were your husband I would refuse to go and cancel the holiday... you are being stratospherically unfair and utterly selfish.

ssd · 29/03/2023 10:54

This is very unfair on your husband.
Its a definite no.

GlassBunion · 29/03/2023 10:54

Id be staying at home if I were your husband.

SlipSlidinAway · 29/03/2023 10:56

Goodness me. I would never ask to join in anything my adult dcs were doing. Your mum needs to learn to wait to be asked and keep quiet if she isn't.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/03/2023 10:56

Does your Mother always get her own way? Why are you concerned about upsetting her and not your husband?

Your husband is right.

anonacfr · 29/03/2023 10:57

Of course he's 'still not happy about it', you are disregarding his wishes and planning on saying yes to your mother!

You've said he's not taken time off in a while and he's been told his MIL is inviting herself to his long awaited holiday and you're saying yes to that.

In his shoes I'd go away somewhere else. Alone.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 29/03/2023 10:57

surely this is a reverse?

Dixiechickonhols · 29/03/2023 10:57

It’s his holiday too. Her along changes dynamics. It’s quite normal to want to holiday just as your family. He’s your husband it’s a reasonable request - he’s saying he wants time with you.
Just tell her.
Maybe do an overnight or weekend with your mum too.

WandaWonder · 29/03/2023 10:58

Please don't go down the 'oh she can be used for childcare on holidays'

Just say no

Cashew22 · 29/03/2023 10:58

Supermummy88 · 29/03/2023 10:03

Hey everyone,

I just need some advice. My husband wants to go on a beach holiday this year with me and the kids. We have one holiday every year and he hasn’t had any time off for a while. However, my mum really wants to come with us. My mum travels and goes on holidays about 4 times a year. My husband wants it to be just us, as he wants to just chill out and feels it won’t be the same if my mum comes. I don’t really know what to say to her because I feel really bad saying no and that we just want to go as a family. My husband said that considering she goes away 4 times a year and we only go once it’s not fair that we don’t get that time together as a family.

I’m thinking we will go with her this year and then next year we can go as a family just me husband and the kids. But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

Any suggestions?

Thank you x

Has your mum actually asked to come, or just said something about how she would love to come to? Personally I think there's a bit of a difference in tone depending on how all this has been expressed and your response should differ accordingly. However, I do tend to agree with the majority here that if your husband has said he doesn't want her to come then it's pretty clear that she shouldn't.

Limetart · 29/03/2023 11:00

Put your dh first as you would expect to him to put you first.

Moveoverdarlin · 29/03/2023 11:00

I agree with him. Just explain to your Mum that your DH has been quite stressed with work and he wants it to be just the four of you this summer so he can really unwind.

Peachy2005 · 29/03/2023 11:01

This is such an easy no ….if you value your marriage!!

YABVVU to even consider bringing her against DH wishes…do you have an ongoing problem with boundaries with your mum?

HairyKitty · 29/03/2023 11:02

No, keep your one family hols a private family hols, and see if you (and maybe kids) can join your mum on another hol or one of her other hols

MiniCooperLover · 29/03/2023 11:02

Your DH hasn't put you in an awkward position, your mum has (and you!). Listen to him, he has a right to not want your mum with you.

Laiste · 29/03/2023 11:04

I think the replies here have said it all v well.

My MIL has form for inviting herself and FIL on our holidays. She's done it twice. Once on a short break and once on our annual week away.

I can honestly say it's the single worst thing that happens between me and DH re: our relationship. If that makes sense? It's so bloody awkward.

DH doesn't want them to come with us but won't say no. I don't want them to come but feel it's not my place to say anything.

We have to bloody lie all year about weather we've got holiday plans or not (we in fact always book in Dec for following summer but they don't know that) and that's hard to maintain and DH gets grumpy about doing it.

Just say no.

VaguelyFamiliar · 29/03/2023 11:04

Used to regularly overlap a few days of holiday with the ex-in-laws and even that tested me to my limits. XH wanted the overlap at the end of the holiday and I preferred it at the start so I could enjoy myself afterwards.

A compromise could be that she's there for three days out of 14 (for example). But if your DH doesn't get much time off then it's completely understandable that he wants to spend his holiday with you and the DC.

A short break with your mum at another time might be a better idea if you can afford it.

I'm divorced and I want my holiday with my DC to be just that. I visit my parents with the DC and do days out there, but what I consider to be my holiday is just DC and me and I wouldn't really want my parents there, too. It's important for us to have that dedicated time together.

2bazookas · 29/03/2023 11:05

You're being unfair to your husband; he deserves his ONE holiday to be relaxed and just you.

Your Mum gets plenty of holidays and should not impose herself on this one. That is selfish and greedy.

RosesInWater · 29/03/2023 11:07

I can't help thinking of that series "Benidorm". Granny is there with the family and is a total riot on her mobility scooter and gets up to all sorts, plus she drives her daughter and family mad. (Yes I have low standards for these series but they are hilarious).

Mad granny on a mobility scooter smokin and drinkin and getting up to all sorts. That'll do. Bring her for the laugh.

Seriously though, it's really not on, and you know it.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 29/03/2023 11:07

Your husbands right. Bit cheeky of your mum too ask too. Would have been okay if you had asked her but you didn't.

Myneighbourskia · 29/03/2023 11:08

No. Respect your husband's wishes and say no. I would be very annoyed if my DH allowed his mum to come on holidays with us.

Laiste · 29/03/2023 11:09

@VaguelyFamiliar Today 11:04
Used to regularly overlap a few days of holiday with the ex-in-laws and even that tested me to my limits. XH wanted the overlap at the end of the holiday and I preferred it at the start so I could enjoy myself afterwards.

Oh god yes that's familiar* *🙄That's what happened the year they invited themselves on our annual week away. They came for the first 3 days and we had the last 2 to ourselves. Woopy do!

🙄🙄🙄🙄 My eyes are going to fall out the back of my head at the eyerolling this causes me!!

🙄

.

sandyhappypeople · 29/03/2023 11:10

If taken at face value, you’re being extremely unreasonable to your husband. You’ve got no problem saying no to people as you’re saying no to him but not your mum?? Doesn’t make sense at all.

My husband wants to go on a beach holiday this year with me and the kids.

But this wording is weird to me, like it’s your husband that’s pushing for this, and you’re not bothered about going? and maybe you’re putting a barrier in the way? I know of someone who jumps at the chance to take their in-laws away with them because, as a couple, while they’re at work and whatnot they can get through life but being on holiday together there’s no escape from one another, they don’t like playing happy family on holiday together when they are having unresolved issues in their marriage, they don’t want to ruin it for the kids or pretend everything is okay, so the in laws being there are a safety net to take the spotlight off them, they’re then not a ‘couple’ on holiday, they’re a ‘group’ and it stops things being awful for everyone. Seems to work for them and the kids have a great time!

this could all be nonsense of course, but If there’s something like this at play you may have to address the bigger issue at hand?

moose62 · 29/03/2023 11:10

Did you sort of agree to let your mum come before you asked your husband? Is that why you think she should come this year?
I would not want my mother in law to come on holiday with me - not because I don't like her but because I would want to be with just my family.
I think you are being very unreasonable when he has said no!

seratoninmoonbeams · 29/03/2023 11:11

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/03/2023 10:06

Your husband is right. Can she take you and the kids on one of her holidays?

This.