My mum wants to come on holiday with us

[Supermummy88]

Hey everyone,

I just need some advice. My husband wants to go on a beach holiday this year with me and the kids. We have one holiday every year and he hasn’t had any time off for a while. However, my mum really wants to come with us. My mum travels and goes on holidays about 4 times a year. My husband wants it to be just us, as he wants to just chill out and feels it won’t be the same if my mum comes. I don’t really know what to say to her because I feel really bad saying no and that we just want to go as a family. My husband said that considering she goes away 4 times a year and we only go once it’s not fair that we don’t get that time together as a family.

I’m thinking we will go with her this year and then next year we can go as a family just me husband and the kids. But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

Any suggestions?

Thank you x

Maybe you were putting them in an awkward position by asking? In a relationship of equals surely all parties can make a suggestion? Equally, all can say no

I agree.

YABVU

Tell your mum it’s just you DH and kids this time.

Why are you worried about this? Is she a bully?

I hate going on holiday with my parents or in laws. We chose not to invite them or even mention booking a holiday as the expectation will be that they then always come on holiday with us and we don't want that. It also changes the dynamics of the holiday, when mother in law came on one of ours once it was not relaxing at all and I spent the whole time clearing up after her and making her coffees! We also couldn't do certain activities due to her mobility. I'm with your husband on this one and you need to tell her in the nicest way that you just want to go with your own little family, did her mum used to come on all your holidays when you were growing up?

Your DH is right, it's your only family holiday and your DM coming will change the relaxation aspect
I would simply tell your DM " no that won't work for us, this year.
She goes with your DF
If she was on her own, I could understand

Your mum has put you in an awkward position not your husband. You need to tell her that you are going alone with your husband and children. Maybe you could do a staycation with her or something.

You need family time and your husband is right

You can arrange something else with your mum, or she can invite you on one of her many holidays.

Your DH hasn’t put you in an awkward situation, your DM has by inviting herself along.

This!

why would you feel bad saying no?! Your husband needs a vacation, not a trip with his mother in law.

MN seem to hate holidaying with anyone outside the nuclear family unless the 'intruder' offers to have the kids every night and must absolutely stay out the way of the nuclear family unless they are needed for free childcare. MN treats parents and in laws appallingly. In the real world....
If your husband's not got a good relationship with your mum, offer a girly weekend with just your mum. Or if you're going with husband for 2 weeks, maybe your mum could join for 5 days/a week of that. Has she got anyone to holiday with?

There's a time and a place.

@smizing but there doesn't seem to be a time or place here. The mums just got a hard 'no' from the husband with no alternative. A time and a place would be "sorry mum, me and husband were going to do something just the 4 of us in June, but id love to join you on one of your 4 holidays, or we could take the kids somewhere"
MN seems to think parents should accept the dregs of what's on offer (cheap caravan for a few days...?!) rather than working out a nice solution that would fit everyone

My suggestion is you establish boundaries with your DM and say no!

I don't see anyone saying that holidaying with anyone outside of immediate family is awful. The issue here is DM invited herself along, OP didn't say no and her DH doesn't want to spend his limited time off with his MIL.

I agree with the babysitting thing though, I'm surprised that there haven't been more "bring her along to babysit for date nights" comments on this thread

I’m with your husband.

Why is she inviting herself on your holiday? Rude!

YABU - you and your husband have already planned an immediate family only holiday; you've asked your husband if he'll be ok with your mother coming along, to which he's replied no. That's kind of it, really - you need all parties agreement to change the terms of the holiday. It would be the same the other way around if he asked to bring his mother, or his best mate, you would need to agree, otherwise it's unreasonable.

Just invite yourself to ones of her other holidays if she goes on another few throughout the year?

How does your mum even know? I wouldn't have mentioned it to my parents until I'd actually booked something and it was done and dusted.

Careful OP
I didn't put in boundaries with my mum over holidays
We are now separated and it's one of the main reasons
Put your family first
I wish I had

Nope family only holiday then ask her about a cheap long weekend just you and kids if you can afford it.

So sorry to hear that your mum died. As times change and we should grow up, it must be a scary position being a mum because no matter what you say, you will be thumped on.

I left all the bad memories and had more good memories. I wish I could have made more good memories with my mother before she died.
The OPs mum is not rude and maybe some prefer their mums to book an appointment with them and make it so official. Sometimes, jealousy is on the otherside. Some just don't want you to have the privilege or the fun. In Italy, family help one another and are not ostracized, disfellowshipped, excluded. Now that is rude!

It's fine just to say that!