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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing guy who lied about his age?

447 replies

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 07:42

Went on two lovely dates with a guy. I thought this had potential, we got on really well and there definitely was mutual interest.

However, a thorough Internet research has showed me that he is 3 years older than stated. I even asked him for confirmation about his age on the first date (casually in conversation) and he confirmed the age stated on his OLD profile.

3 years is not a big difference, but to me it makes a difference. I am 33 going on 34, so dating a 44 years old vs a 47 years old IS different. He is closer to 50 than 40 FFS!

More importantly, I am just bothered by the lie and unimpressed about the insecurity this reveals. I think I will have to call it a day.

What do you all think? Not a big deal or am I right to be so annoyed? AIBU or not?

OP posts:
discobrain · 29/03/2023 09:57

HoneyPotBee · 29/03/2023 09:41

I honestly think doing ‘internet research’ is much more a read flag that shaving 3 years off your age. You might be doing him a favour if you dump him.

Doing internet research is not a red flag. It's a safeguarding. People are bare faced liars, and women need to be sure they're meeting someone who isn't dangerous. Checking someone out is completely reasonable, I have done it before, and would do so again to make sure I wasn't meeting someone dodgy.

It doesn't matter what someone lies about. If they can't be honest with you up front, then steer well clear.

TheChoiceIsYours · 29/03/2023 09:57

FreyaDoig · 29/03/2023 08:10

Maybe instead of throwing away who could possibly be the love of your life think about this. Three years is NOT a big deal. Three years is only 36 months. Yes he lied, but maybe he had felt he needed to for some reason and you should find out why. I would never throw a person away for something this minor and especially someone I was interested enough in to go on a date with. Fine wine my girl, fine wine.

He felt he ‘needed’ to lie to get what he wanted and felt entitled to. With zero regard for the consent of the other person involved. Lying to trample over someone else’s boundaries because you feel entitled to in order to get what you want, isn’t ‘needing’ to lie. It’s choosing to. And it’s being a dishonest manipulator.

Someone like that certInly wouldn’t be the love of my life.

Oh and anyone who says ‘fine wine my girl, fine wine’ sounds like a fucking perverted creep 🤮🤮

PearlClutzsche · 29/03/2023 09:59

You seem to be focusing on the age gap, OP, when it's the lying that's the problem. It really is. How can you have a relationship with someone who you can't trust?

It is an online dating thing. You have to put him in his shoes, how many women click on a man aged 47 vs 44? Many people may have 45 as their cut off line. What would you do when you are 45 and dating ? I bet you would put 40 there!

There's no justification for lying, but in any case he has verbally doubled down on the lie when OP asked him in person. He's just a liar.

Newusername21 · 29/03/2023 10:00

How can you be sure the internet research you've done is correct? Maybe he lied on whatever platform you found him on - and actually he's telling you the truth?
Still maybe doesn't bode well for his character but is a possibility.

If you like him maybe just ask him and tell him whatever you found?

The lying would make me suspicious sure.

HaggisBurger · 29/03/2023 10:02

I lied about my age on OLD (by 3 years) but fessed up voluntarily on first date to my now DP. He was just flatteringly surprised.

Lots of people shave a few years off but for me it’s the fact that a) he didn’t fess up himself right away b) even when challenged hasn’t told the truth. I’d give him a hard swerve particularly as you say he was already at the outer limit of your age gap.

Id be wondering what else he has lied about tbh

Original poster
JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 10:02

Newusername21 · 29/03/2023 10:00

How can you be sure the internet research you've done is correct? Maybe he lied on whatever platform you found him on - and actually he's telling you the truth?
Still maybe doesn't bode well for his character but is a possibility.

If you like him maybe just ask him and tell him whatever you found?

The lying would make me suspicious sure.

The info I found is on several companies house pages, all the other info matches him and he has an unusual name so I doubt it is a mistake.

OP posts:
Newusername21 · 29/03/2023 10:02

or maybe the platform you found while researching genuinely had a mistake??

HaggisBurger · 29/03/2023 10:03

Newusername21 · 29/03/2023 10:00

How can you be sure the internet research you've done is correct? Maybe he lied on whatever platform you found him on - and actually he's telling you the truth?
Still maybe doesn't bode well for his character but is a possibility.

If you like him maybe just ask him and tell him whatever you found?

The lying would make me suspicious sure.

Easiest way to check someone’s age is companies house (quite a lot of people are directors even of small companies or leasehold management cos). I find out a lot on there!

HaggisBurger · 29/03/2023 10:04

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 10:02

The info I found is on several companies house pages, all the other info matches him and he has an unusual name so I doubt it is a mistake.

Show quote history

Ah I x posted on this exact thought. Co house is 100% correct. They’d have you show passport etc to satisfy KYC / money laundering regs

Antiquiteas · 29/03/2023 10:05

He’s a liar. And I have to agree, there feels a world apart between 44 and 47.

I wouldn’t pursue this. I don’t really care about his ‘please, I just wanted you to give me a chance’ reasons.

YukoandHiro · 29/03/2023 10:05

"Why isn’t he dating a woman of his age?"

Not defending her lie - she definitely shouldn't see him again - but the answer to this might be that he doesn't have kids yet and wants them. But of course he should be 100 per cent honest about all that stuff. And the OP is right to break it off as he's futzed about with her boundaries already, on date 2

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/03/2023 10:05

Longtimeloiterer · Today 08:03

I lied to my DH about my age. We're together 25 years this year so don't act too quickly”

Really hope that you didn’t lie upwards.

Original poster
JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 10:06

Newusername21 · 29/03/2023 10:02

or maybe the platform you found while researching genuinely had a mistake??

It was three different platforms/ websites of the same type (as in he is a limited company director and the page was legal info about the company). All came up in the first Google results page so I really didn't have to dig much.

OP posts:
AbsoIutelyLovely · 29/03/2023 10:06

The exact same thing happened to me same age and same age gap. I dumped him.

Original poster
JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 10:07

YukoandHiro · 29/03/2023 10:05

"Why isn’t he dating a woman of his age?"

Not defending her lie - she definitely shouldn't see him again - but the answer to this might be that he doesn't have kids yet and wants them. But of course he should be 100 per cent honest about all that stuff. And the OP is right to break it off as he's futzed about with her boundaries already, on date 2

That is correct, he wants kids so I understand looking for a slightly younger woman for that. Perhaps late 30s would be more appropriate to his age than 33 though.

Anyway, it is the repeated lie that matters.

OP posts:
GordonsAFGirl · 29/03/2023 10:08

My best friend shaved 10 years off and attracted some very attractive younger men. Sadly she had to come clean when one asked her to have a baby!
I personally think the age gap is too big. My DH is 60 shortly and we are feeling our age. I certainly wouldn't be attracted to a 70/73 year old even if they were fit and healthy and had money (I have my own thanks). Bits are falling off us and the only arse I am wiping in the future is mine!
If you want to ask the chap why he lied I would just refer to everyone lying on dating websites. Say that you are the exception.

Dotjones · 29/03/2023 10:10

I had a guy who did this, the excuse was that he'd assumed from my profile photo that I must have been lying about my age too, which was the final nail in the coffin.

Clusterfunk · 29/03/2023 10:10

HoneyPotBee · 29/03/2023 09:41

I honestly think doing ‘internet research’ is much more a read flag that shaving 3 years off your age. You might be doing him a favour if you dump him.

Rubbish. This is due diligence in a world of liars, cat fishers and scammers.

And why is she the bad person here? He’s the liar!!

potniatheron · 29/03/2023 10:11

He was probably trying to get around the many women who use 45 as an upper cut off point and filter that way. But he should have come clean.

Personally I would give him a chance to explain and then decide from there.

YukoandHiro · 29/03/2023 10:13

"That is correct, he wants kids so I understand looking for a slightly younger woman for that. Perhaps late 30s would be more appropriate to his age than 33 though.

Anyway, it is the repeated lie that matters."

Agree with you OP, and also if he HAD been honest from the off there are lots of women in their mid and late thirties - and even in their early thirties - who would be keen anyway despite the gap because they're looking for someone who WILL want kids imminently where as most men of 33 want to put it off for another decade that the woman doesn't have.

Yes it's about the lie, not the age

PousseyNotMoira · 29/03/2023 10:14

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 29/03/2023 08:13

Could he have been using the old 'Sorry I entered my age as if I was a canary'

😂😂😂

Thisgirlcan21 · 29/03/2023 10:18

Your quite a lot younger that’s probably why he lied. But by lying he took away your choice. With liars they often lie about other things too….

cstaff · 29/03/2023 10:20

I had a guy do this to me years ago - the photo he put up must have been at least 10 years old so when I met him I didn't recognize him which defeated the purpose completely. Funnily enough he could pick me out straight away. He also used the line about making a mistake putting in his age / DOB on the website and he couldn't correct it after that. What a load of bollox...

Ooonafoo · 29/03/2023 10:22

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 10:07

That is correct, he wants kids so I understand looking for a slightly younger woman for that. Perhaps late 30s would be more appropriate to his age than 33 though.

Anyway, it is the repeated lie that matters.

Show quote history

Wanting kids when you are only starting to date at 47 - with a fair wind he would be having his first at 50? Retiring when they are teenagers etc.

Wonder what his relationship history is to have got to this situation at his age?

AliceTheeCamel · 29/03/2023 10:24

I'd be more annoyed by the lying to your face about it when asked than lying on the OLD profile. I'd get rid.