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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing guy who lied about his age?

447 replies

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 07:42

Went on two lovely dates with a guy. I thought this had potential, we got on really well and there definitely was mutual interest.

However, a thorough Internet research has showed me that he is 3 years older than stated. I even asked him for confirmation about his age on the first date (casually in conversation) and he confirmed the age stated on his OLD profile.

3 years is not a big difference, but to me it makes a difference. I am 33 going on 34, so dating a 44 years old vs a 47 years old IS different. He is closer to 50 than 40 FFS!

More importantly, I am just bothered by the lie and unimpressed about the insecurity this reveals. I think I will have to call it a day.

What do you all think? Not a big deal or am I right to be so annoyed? AIBU or not?

OP posts:
FrostyFifi · 01/04/2023 18:43

My argument was that why do women think men should be grateful for whatever crumbs they deem to leave behind and yet in the next sentence they want the guy to provide for everything and if the relationship goes tits up then they want half or more of everything he has including whatever he had from before they met

That's not what has happened here at all though so your argument is a strawman. From what OP has described, she's a succesful young professional woman so it would be she who you're suggesting puts up with the "crumbs" of a lying older man.

Women can have a younger guy, if they are willing to put up with a man - child playing video games, maxing out their credit card, having zero savings and blowing every penny they get.

More stereotypes - this is a dickhead behaviour thing, not an age thing.

LooseGoose22 · 01/04/2023 18:43

My dear, I know 3 women off the top of my head who owned houses .... Before they married their husbands ... Husbands brought no assets into the marriages . And both of them had to give them payouts from those houses when they divorced.

In two cases they were also abused by says husbands. One had to be pulled off the wife and prevented by further battering her by my teenage sister who heard and saw it from our kitchen.

He had fuck all to do with their sin after divorce too.

Still got the payouts though.

One of the woman now lives in social housing and no longer owns her home.

This never happens though; never, right. They are a figment of my imagination.

monsteramunch · 01/04/2023 18:43

@likethislikethat

My argument was that why do women think men should be grateful for whatever crumbs they deem to leave behind and yet in the next sentence they want the guy to provide for everything and if the relationship goes tits up then they want half or more of everything he has including whatever he had from before they met.

Maybe some women do. You've chosen to make a sweeping generalisation though and even in OP's case, she's clearly stated that she's independently financially secure so not looking for a man to 'provide for everything' at all. So it's an odd thing to bring up in such a vitriolic way.

Women can have a younger guy, if they are willing to put up with a man - child playing video games, maxing out their credit card, having zero savings and blowing every penny they get.

Very few have such assets to attract the young, successful, mature and attractive gentlemen but like Millie Tant, they think they possess qualities that men want when they do not.

Relationships don't have to be transactional, or a case of one party having the upper hand / winning. Women aren't checklists of arbitrary 'assets' to attract men.

You seem to think that finding a partner is a mission to be completed or battle to be won, rather than a life choice to be made with the aim of a happy and healthy relationship full of love and fun as well as enough robustness to go through tough times together.

When you actively seek a life partner, an equal who you share mutual respect and love with, you don't need to hold on to the outdated ideas, gender stereotypes and anger that jump off your posts. It must be miserable holding on to those opinions.

And spoiler alert - women will be more up for enjoying a healthy relationship with you if you don't hold them in such obvious contempt.

monsteramunch · 01/04/2023 18:47

@likethislikethat

if the relationship goes tits up then they want half or more of everything he has including whatever he had from before they met

On this point, I can only assume you are from an entirely different generation or you have spent too much time on MRA subreddits.

I am in my mid thirties. Genuinely zero of my female friends earn less than their male partners. All on the same or more, some a lot more in fact.

They would do no better out of a financial settlement than their male partners, who didn't come to the relationship with loads more than them despite having a penis.

LooseGoose22 · 01/04/2023 18:48

monsteramunch · 01/04/2023 18:47

@likethislikethat

if the relationship goes tits up then they want half or more of everything he has including whatever he had from before they met

On this point, I can only assume you are from an entirely different generation or you have spent too much time on MRA subreddits.

I am in my mid thirties. Genuinely zero of my female friends earn less than their male partners. All on the same or more, some a lot more in fact.

They would do no better out of a financial settlement than their male partners, who didn't come to the relationship with loads more than them despite having a penis.

Oh no, you have it all wrong - no women like that exist in the red pill universe.

None.

LooseGoose22 · 01/04/2023 18:55

Women can have a younger guy, if they are willing to put up with a man - child playing video games, maxing out their credit card, having zero savings and blowing every penny they get.

Cliche after stereotype after generalisation after cliche etc.

I have a younger partner, though only a few years.

He plays FIFA.

Aside from that he outearns me, doesn't blow money, doesn't max out credit cards.

But you keep on thinking women can only "get" younger men by keeping them.

And women never have any assets or money to lose on a divorce. (I have btw).

It's ok, you're in the red pill universe; pretend noone exists who doesn't fit your misogynist narrative.

PousseyNotMoira · 01/04/2023 19:28

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 01/04/2023 18:33

As a general point it's interesting that OP says she's 33 going on 34 which you see as not much past 30 wheras some posters see the lying 47 year old as pushing 50. I think people are generally and understandably fearful of, and horrified by, getting older whatever age they are. I vividly remember first having this feeling on the night before my 6th birthday and so it's gone on.
Existential angst as I said in an earlier post

That’s the way maths works. Less than 5, you found up. More than 5, you round down.

He can have all the existential angst he likes (as I said in response to your earlier post), it isn’t OP’s problem or relevant to the fact that she doesn’t want to date someone that much older.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 01/04/2023 19:37

Completely agree. As I said it was just a general point. It sounds like she's made up her mind to finish it anyway, and that's her very understandble choice

Macinae · 02/04/2023 00:04

The age wouldn't bother me (I was with someone 20 years older) but the lie would.

JudgeRudy · 02/04/2023 01:09

@PousseyNotMoira you are correct, the majority of 34 year old women would not find a 47 year old attractive but I think the older you get the less the gap matters. Physically this poster did though, well iinitially, till she'd found out he had lied. I'm not able to quantify what a 'sizeable' proportion' is though so perhaps it would be better to say quite a lot of 34 year old could be attracted to a 47 year old particularly if he looked younger. It's certainly not an 'odd' or unusual phenomenon. I'd say a sizeable proportion of women like beards, but most don't, some like ginger hair, most don't. Now if you were asking if many 34 year old would find a 57 year old attractive then I'd say he was chancing his arm but that still doesn't mean it wrong to try. What's wrong is lieing

Elfandwellbeing · 02/04/2023 01:14

He lied. You turned detective in the internet, red flags in both lanes.

PousseyNotMoira · 02/04/2023 01:18

JudgeRudy · 02/04/2023 01:09

@PousseyNotMoira you are correct, the majority of 34 year old women would not find a 47 year old attractive but I think the older you get the less the gap matters. Physically this poster did though, well iinitially, till she'd found out he had lied. I'm not able to quantify what a 'sizeable' proportion' is though so perhaps it would be better to say quite a lot of 34 year old could be attracted to a 47 year old particularly if he looked younger. It's certainly not an 'odd' or unusual phenomenon. I'd say a sizeable proportion of women like beards, but most don't, some like ginger hair, most don't. Now if you were asking if many 34 year old would find a 57 year old attractive then I'd say he was chancing his arm but that still doesn't mean it wrong to try. What's wrong is lieing

I think the older you get the less the gap matters

Nope. Not for women. Statistically, the majority of women favour men within five years of their age, whatever their age.

Physically this poster did though, well initially, till she'd found out he had lied.

That doesn’t matter, though. Attraction and/or wanting to date someone isn’t purely physical. She found out he was 47 (and a liar) and is no longer interested.

quite a lot of 34 year old could be attracted to a 47 year old particularly if he looked younger

This is simply not the case according to any study I’ve ever seen or my lived experience. A few women in their 30’s wouldn’t have a problem with it, but nothing near ‘quite a lot’ or a ‘sizeable proportion’. And these men know this, which is why they lie about their ages.

Also, I’m very sorry, but you keep spelling this incorrectly - it’s ‘lying’.

JudgeRudy · 02/04/2023 01:41

PousseyNotMoira · 02/04/2023 01:18

I think the older you get the less the gap matters

Nope. Not for women. Statistically, the majority of women favour men within five years of their age, whatever their age.

Physically this poster did though, well initially, till she'd found out he had lied.

That doesn’t matter, though. Attraction and/or wanting to date someone isn’t purely physical. She found out he was 47 (and a liar) and is no longer interested.

quite a lot of 34 year old could be attracted to a 47 year old particularly if he looked younger

This is simply not the case according to any study I’ve ever seen or my lived experience. A few women in their 30’s wouldn’t have a problem with it, but nothing near ‘quite a lot’ or a ‘sizeable proportion’. And these men know this, which is why they lie about their ages.

Also, I’m very sorry, but you keep spelling this incorrectly - it’s ‘lying’.

Show quote history
  1. I agree your stats are probably right, however that does not negate my point that the older you are the less the gap matters. Both could be true.
  2. I agree....which is what I said initially.
  3. I don't have stats but I still think quite a lot (definitely a minority) of 34 year old could find a 47 year old man attractive. Even if its 1 in 10, that's a lot

And don't be sorry for correcting my spelling. Lying...learnt something today.
I'm leaving it there because it's getting a bit tedious and this conversation doesn't lend itself well to text messages. I also think it distracts from the big issue that he lied (because he knew she would not want to date him if he was honest but presumably hoped to win her round).

PousseyNotMoira · 02/04/2023 01:55

JudgeRudy · 02/04/2023 01:41

  1. I agree your stats are probably right, however that does not negate my point that the older you are the less the gap matters. Both could be true.
  2. I agree....which is what I said initially.
  3. I don't have stats but I still think quite a lot (definitely a minority) of 34 year old could find a 47 year old man attractive. Even if its 1 in 10, that's a lot

And don't be sorry for correcting my spelling. Lying...learnt something today.
I'm leaving it there because it's getting a bit tedious and this conversation doesn't lend itself well to text messages. I also think it distracts from the big issue that he lied (because he knew she would not want to date him if he was honest but presumably hoped to win her round).

Show quote history
  1. If women, regardless of their age, will choose men of within five years of said age, then the gap clearly matters the exact same amount to women, regardless of age.
  2. Cool.
  3. I don’t think it’s even 1 in 500.

His age and the lie are both the main issues as OP has stated that both are dealbreakers for her. You’re certainly free to leave it. Good night.

GordonsAFGirl · 02/04/2023 05:00

@likethislikethat

Why are you still quoting a fictional lesbian as a person? It really has fuck all to do with a successful woman wanting to date an honest man within her age boundaries?
You sound very angry. You do know this is mumsnet?

Mumma · 02/04/2023 05:49

Was he born in the uk.... you can check year of birth on www.freebmd.org.uk

Not all records have been added yet but you may be lucky.

At least you will know for sure then.

monsteramunch · 02/04/2023 11:34

Mumma · 02/04/2023 05:49

Was he born in the uk.... you can check year of birth on www.freebmd.org.uk

Not all records have been added yet but you may be lucky.

At least you will know for sure then.

This is handy to know but in OP's case she checked his date of birth on companies house which will definitely be right as it's a legal requirement.

FreyaDoig · 12/04/2023 07:08

You do not have to be low to respond.

Ooonafoo · 12/04/2023 07:30

How are you feeling about it all now @JollieJullie ?

Stewball01 · 19/04/2023 00:19

A lie is a lie is a lie.
Get rid of him.

Things were different 25 years ago.

Hereforadvice01 · 23/06/2023 14:39

Heyy!
I'm here for some advice. I recently met this great guy on a dating site, on the site his profile said 27...I'm 35...when we stared texting I asked him your 27? Do you know I'm 35? He said yes, he doesn't care about age. We talked and went on a date. I'm new to the area and he was the first person I actually like! So I said ok 27 going to be 28 ok fine I can deal with it. It did bother me a little at first when dating but it was just me in my head and I got past it. Then I found out he is 24 ABOUT TO BE 25.
He says, he lied because he really liked me and knew I wouldn't have given him a chance knowing he was 24.
My point is you lied at least twice when I asked you about it. Now I feel like everything he said he wanted ( being a long term relationship and all that comes with that) was just him telling me what he thinks I wanted to hear, which it's not, but as we continued on before I found this out I started to want all that too down the line. We been together for almost 2 months and now I know he is 24. The advice I need is, should I just break up with him? I feel like I should but I REALLY DONT WANT TO, and I really like him..I just feel really dumb! And he thinks it's not a big deal and he is sorry he just really liked me and wanted me to give him a chance, which should have been my decision to make with all accurate information.

MaireadMcSweeney · 23/06/2023 14:42

You need to start your own new post, you won't get much response on here

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