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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing guy who lied about his age?

447 replies

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 07:42

Went on two lovely dates with a guy. I thought this had potential, we got on really well and there definitely was mutual interest.

However, a thorough Internet research has showed me that he is 3 years older than stated. I even asked him for confirmation about his age on the first date (casually in conversation) and he confirmed the age stated on his OLD profile.

3 years is not a big difference, but to me it makes a difference. I am 33 going on 34, so dating a 44 years old vs a 47 years old IS different. He is closer to 50 than 40 FFS!

More importantly, I am just bothered by the lie and unimpressed about the insecurity this reveals. I think I will have to call it a day.

What do you all think? Not a big deal or am I right to be so annoyed? AIBU or not?

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 01/04/2023 10:05

@Greenfairydust you said....
Nice bit of misogyny...
You are part of the problem if you automatically think that women in their 40s/50s are unattractive or that it is OK for older men to target much younger women (who very likely don't want anything to do with them...)

Here's what I actually said....
''I'm not sure if preferring a more attractive woman is necessarily gross, however lieing is.''

Never mentioned women in their 40s/50s being 'unattractive', but on the whole women in their 20s/30s are more attractive.
Yes, l do think it's OK for older (any) men to 'target' women they are more attracted to.
I don't think it's OK to pester or lie
Exactly the same goes for women targeting men they are most attracted to.
If that's misogyny it's also misandry so maybe I hate everybody equally!

FrostyFifi · 01/04/2023 10:08

Never mentioned women in their 40s/50s being 'unattractive', but on the whole women in their 20s/30s are more attractive

The same goes for men though. It's not like they get any prettier with age.

peeweechigs · 01/04/2023 10:12

The age gap or what he lied about is irrelevant. It's the fact that he lied. A liar is a liar is a liar. They don't change. Do you want to be in a relationship with a liar?

likethislikethat · 01/04/2023 12:05

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:14

She's not 35.

And he's 13 yrs older than her, whatever age she is.

She's set 10 years as her max difference I think; that's already generous in my book

Show quote history

Generous ?

You see, this is the problem. Society has put you on a pedestal that makes you think you are better when you're hawking something that you have seriously overvalued.

likethislikethat · 01/04/2023 12:11

Good to see Millie Tant is alive and well after all these years.

Alone, bitter, self righteous, etc.

ELL2478 · 01/04/2023 12:40

@likethislikethat can i ask why does it offended you so much this individual woman has preferences? My Husband is 17 years older but thats not for everyone and i understand that. As for the pedestal comment you arr obviously a frustrated, angry man who dislikes women.

honeypancake · 01/04/2023 12:55

Why has the discussions turned into discussing ages and age gaps. The OP said she has always liked men a little older. Some women do. Likewise, quite a few women in their 40s seek and successfully find men who are in their early 30s. Some (yes, not all) men actually like a woman who is a bit older. Some men at 44 look and act as if they are 60. Some men at 47 look and act like they are 35. Same for women! To each their own! The fact that he lied and didn't admit to lies is a non-negotiable, of course.

FrostyFifi · 01/04/2023 13:01

You see, this is the problem. Society has put you on a pedestal that makes you think you are better when you're hawking something that you have seriously overvalued.

What, like a penis?

Greenfairydust · 01/04/2023 13:28

@JudgeRudy
''Here's what I actually said....
''I'm not sure if preferring a more attractive woman is necessarily gross, however lieing is.'' Never mentioned women in their 40s/50s being 'unattractive', but on the whole women in their 20s/30s are more attractive.
Yes, l do think it's OK for older (any) men to 'target' women they are more attracted to.
I don't think it's OK to pester or lie
Exactly the same goes for women targeting men they are most attracted to.
If that's misogyny it's also misandry so maybe I hate everybody equally!''

In general women in their 20s/30s are not attracted to men pushing 50...

Yet there is this delusion in our society that age only affects women's looks and that men continue to be attractive as they age and that they should happily target much younger women because their peers are past their sell by date.

It is rooted in misogyny and so was your comment.

monsteramunch · 01/04/2023 13:38

@likethislikethat

Society has put you on a pedestal that makes you think you are better when you're hawking something that you have seriously overvalued.

You don't know that poster personally so presumably aren't talking about them as an individual being put on a pedestal by society. So do you mean 'you' as in 'women'?

You think we're put on a pedestal by society?

Do you read / listen to / watch the news much?

Cam22 · 01/04/2023 13:43

ELL2478 · 01/04/2023 12:40

@likethislikethat can i ask why does it offended you so much this individual woman has preferences? My Husband is 17 years older but thats not for everyone and i understand that. As for the pedestal comment you arr obviously a frustrated, angry man who dislikes women.

Probably older than he confesses to himself, too. 😆

LooseGoose22 · 01/04/2023 16:19

Ah, "hawking something"

Women are hawking something.

How is a woman with a good job and earning capacity hawking herself in looking for a partner; but a man looking for a partner is not hawking himself??

Would you like to explain that?

QueefQueen80s · 01/04/2023 16:19

ELL2478 · 01/04/2023 12:40

@likethislikethat can i ask why does it offended you so much this individual woman has preferences? My Husband is 17 years older but thats not for everyone and i understand that. As for the pedestal comment you arr obviously a frustrated, angry man who dislikes women.

17! Grim grim grim.

LooseGoose22 · 01/04/2023 16:20

And yes, a decade older is most definitely generous for someone looking for a partner to have kids with.

FrostyFifi · 01/04/2023 16:28

I don't think a 17 year gap is grim if it happened naturally through mutual attraction and honesty.
It's the lying an entitlement that is nasty.

GordonsAFGirl · 01/04/2023 16:53

I love that the OP has now been branded a cartoon lesbian from Viz (Milie Tant).
Someone wanting children needs to be honest and have the same respect afforded to them. Why do men think women should be grateful? As for 'hawking' that is a disgusting expression. The poster is not working in a brothel.

ELL2478 · 01/04/2023 17:27

@QueefQueen80s slightly harsh, but that's your opinion and that's fine. Each to their own. I was a fully fledged 24 year old adult when we met though not a teenager.

JudgeRudy · 01/04/2023 18:11

Greenfairydust · 01/04/2023 13:28

@JudgeRudy
''Here's what I actually said....
''I'm not sure if preferring a more attractive woman is necessarily gross, however lieing is.'' Never mentioned women in their 40s/50s being 'unattractive', but on the whole women in their 20s/30s are more attractive.
Yes, l do think it's OK for older (any) men to 'target' women they are more attracted to.
I don't think it's OK to pester or lie
Exactly the same goes for women targeting men they are most attracted to.
If that's misogyny it's also misandry so maybe I hate everybody equally!''

In general women in their 20s/30s are not attracted to men pushing 50...

Yet there is this delusion in our society that age only affects women's looks and that men continue to be attractive as they age and that they should happily target much younger women because their peers are past their sell by date.

It is rooted in misogyny and so was your comment.

@Greenfairydust in general yes, but a sizeable proportion at 34 might findca 47 year old attractive. In fact JJ did when she thought he was 44. It seems reasonable to 'target' what you prefer if there's a fair chance someone might say yes.
There's no delusion that people think age only affects women's looks, but it's a fact that men place more emphasis on looks and women might place more emphasis on power/success/ability to provide. If I was looking to date a 40 year old man I would likely 'over look' those who didn't drive or did not live alone. A short guy would also have the odds stacked against him. I'm pretty sure lots of women feel similarly.
I don't think anyone in saying 40+ is past your sell by date or unattractive. This man is looking to start a family. He probably finds 18 year old physically attractive too but values other characteristics too so has 'targeted' 30s as a sensible mix to meet his needs. I think that's fine.

I think your Femsplaining has distracted from the key point here and that is that he deliberately set out to trick her with his lies. The issue is he lied. She's dumped him. He's disappointed.

PousseyNotMoira · 01/04/2023 18:24

JudgeRudy · 01/04/2023 18:11

@Greenfairydust in general yes, but a sizeable proportion at 34 might findca 47 year old attractive. In fact JJ did when she thought he was 44. It seems reasonable to 'target' what you prefer if there's a fair chance someone might say yes.
There's no delusion that people think age only affects women's looks, but it's a fact that men place more emphasis on looks and women might place more emphasis on power/success/ability to provide. If I was looking to date a 40 year old man I would likely 'over look' those who didn't drive or did not live alone. A short guy would also have the odds stacked against him. I'm pretty sure lots of women feel similarly.
I don't think anyone in saying 40+ is past your sell by date or unattractive. This man is looking to start a family. He probably finds 18 year old physically attractive too but values other characteristics too so has 'targeted' 30s as a sensible mix to meet his needs. I think that's fine.

I think your Femsplaining has distracted from the key point here and that is that he deliberately set out to trick her with his lies. The issue is he lied. She's dumped him. He's disappointed.

Show quote history

in general yes, but a sizeable proportion at 34 might findca 47 year old attractive.

What are you terming ‘a sizeable proportion’? There have been numerous studies on this and the majority of women are attracted to men within five years of their age.

likethislikethat · 01/04/2023 18:32

GordonsAFGirl · 01/04/2023 16:53

I love that the OP has now been branded a cartoon lesbian from Viz (Milie Tant).
Someone wanting children needs to be honest and have the same respect afforded to them. Why do men think women should be grateful? As for 'hawking' that is a disgusting expression. The poster is not working in a brothel.

My argument was that why do women think men should be grateful for whatever crumbs they deem to leave behind and yet in the next sentence they want the guy to provide for everything and if the relationship goes tits up then they want half or more of everything he has including whatever he had from before they met.

Women can have a younger guy, if they are willing to put up with a man - child playing video games, maxing out their credit card, having zero savings and blowing every penny they get.

Very few have such assets to attract the young, successful, mature and attractive gentlemen but like Millie Tant, they think they possess qualities that men want when they do not.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 01/04/2023 18:33

As a general point it's interesting that OP says she's 33 going on 34 which you see as not much past 30 wheras some posters see the lying 47 year old as pushing 50. I think people are generally and understandably fearful of, and horrified by, getting older whatever age they are. I vividly remember first having this feeling on the night before my 6th birthday and so it's gone on.
Existential angst as I said in an earlier post

LooseGoose22 · 01/04/2023 18:35

As for 'hawking' that is a disgusting expression. The poster is not working in a brothel.

Ah you see women have nothing and are nothing but looks and fertility to an incel, red pill,mgtow. They are never independent, they never have money of their own, they never have any assets; they are always a bimbo selling sex & company.

I know numerous women who earth more than their husbands, numerous who were on the housing ladder before marriage when their husbands weren't, some who kept the household income single handedly when the recession hit heir husbands jobs.

But to incel, red pill, mgtow - such women do not exist. A woman is only an entity that "hawks" "pussy".

LooseGoose22 · 01/04/2023 18:36

*earn

monsteramunch · 01/04/2023 18:36

monsteramunch · 01/04/2023 13:38

@likethislikethat

Society has put you on a pedestal that makes you think you are better when you're hawking something that you have seriously overvalued.

You don't know that poster personally so presumably aren't talking about them as an individual being put on a pedestal by society. So do you mean 'you' as in 'women'?

You think we're put on a pedestal by society?

Do you read / listen to / watch the news much?

Thoughts on this @likethislikethat?

Keen to know if you really think women are put on a pedestal by society.

LooseGoose22 · 01/04/2023 18:38

if the relationship goes tits up then they want half or more of everything he has including whatever he had from before they met

And he illustrates my point to perfection with his next post.

Women have no assets - ever.

Men are the only ones who brings assets into a marriage. Or earn them during it.

Ah the world of the red piller ..... The parallel universe they exist in.