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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing guy who lied about his age?

447 replies

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 07:42

Went on two lovely dates with a guy. I thought this had potential, we got on really well and there definitely was mutual interest.

However, a thorough Internet research has showed me that he is 3 years older than stated. I even asked him for confirmation about his age on the first date (casually in conversation) and he confirmed the age stated on his OLD profile.

3 years is not a big difference, but to me it makes a difference. I am 33 going on 34, so dating a 44 years old vs a 47 years old IS different. He is closer to 50 than 40 FFS!

More importantly, I am just bothered by the lie and unimpressed about the insecurity this reveals. I think I will have to call it a day.

What do you all think? Not a big deal or am I right to be so annoyed? AIBU or not?

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:28

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 30/03/2023 22:25

Sorry, yes, she says 33 going on 34, but still not in the first bloom of youth

And what?

He's nearly half a century old.

She's still 13 years younger than him.

Grammarnut · 30/03/2023 22:28

Do you like him? Did he like you? Did he lie about his age because he knows you are 34 and wanted to seem younger? Some women do this all the time - I deprecate it but also tend to conceal my age (so I also am lying, perhaps?). 34 to 47 is not unreasonable, it's 13 years, not the end of the world. Before you decide that telling a lie about his age is the end of the world make sure that he isn't a guy you simply like. I mean, why did you ask his age ffs? Would you be happy being asked your age by a casual date?

PousseyNotMoira · 30/03/2023 22:29

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 30/03/2023 22:25

Sorry, yes, she says 33 going on 34, but still not in the first bloom of youth

In your opinion. So what? She’s over a decade younger than him and doesn’t want to date a man that much older. And he’s not entitled to a younger woman, however much he may want one. Whether she’s 23 or 43 is irrelevant. What exactly is your point?

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:31

I mean, why did you ask his age ffs?

They met on old. Their ages would be in their profiles, what are you on?

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:33

I mean, why did you ask his age ffs? Would you be happy being asked your age by a casual date?

Also they're both looking to date with a view to a serious long-term relationship and someone to have kids with..... So knowing something as basic & fundamental as age is a given.

She wanted to know because she had a facade older upper limit .... For perfectly reasonable reasons and due to past experiences with older men. All very valid, all very reasonable, all very sensible.

Original poster
JollieJullie · 30/03/2023 22:33

Grammarnut · 30/03/2023 22:28

Do you like him? Did he like you? Did he lie about his age because he knows you are 34 and wanted to seem younger? Some women do this all the time - I deprecate it but also tend to conceal my age (so I also am lying, perhaps?). 34 to 47 is not unreasonable, it's 13 years, not the end of the world. Before you decide that telling a lie about his age is the end of the world make sure that he isn't a guy you simply like. I mean, why did you ask his age ffs? Would you be happy being asked your age by a casual date?

When I asked I actually had no suspicion, so the conversation was totally innocent. It went like this;

Me: joke about not handling hangovers anymore maybe because I am getting older
Him: how old are you again? 33? That is very young
Me: come on you are not old either then! How old are you, 43 right?
Him: nodded and said yes

OP posts:
Original poster
JollieJullie · 30/03/2023 22:34

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:31

I mean, why did you ask his age ffs?

They met on old. Their ages would be in their profiles, what are you on?

And yes of course our ages were in out profiles.

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:34

*She wanted to know because she has a decade older upper limit

A generous upper limit as it is

PousseyNotMoira · 30/03/2023 22:34

Grammarnut · 30/03/2023 22:28

Do you like him? Did he like you? Did he lie about his age because he knows you are 34 and wanted to seem younger? Some women do this all the time - I deprecate it but also tend to conceal my age (so I also am lying, perhaps?). 34 to 47 is not unreasonable, it's 13 years, not the end of the world. Before you decide that telling a lie about his age is the end of the world make sure that he isn't a guy you simply like. I mean, why did you ask his age ffs? Would you be happy being asked your age by a casual date?

Did he lie about his age because he knows you are 34 and wanted to seem younger?

Probably. And that’s fucked up.

Some women do this all the time - I deprecate it but also tend to conceal my age (so I also am lying, perhaps?)

Nothing to do with OP.

34 to 47 is not unreasonable, it's 13 years, not the end of the world.

In your opinion. Most women do not want to date men that much older. And the men in question know this. Which is why they lie.

Before you decide that telling a lie about his age is the end of the world make sure that he isn't a guy you simply like.

As OP has stated, there are lots of fish in the sea. She has plenty of options and isn’t that fussed about binning someone after one pleasant date. There are other dates to be had.

I mean, why did you ask his age ffs? Would you be happy being asked your age by a casual date?

You know ages are displayed on dating profiles, right? It’s also fascinating that you think the lie is excusable but would have a problem with the question.

Grammarnut · 30/03/2023 22:35

JollieJullie · 30/03/2023 22:33

When I asked I actually had no suspicion, so the conversation was totally innocent. It went like this;

Me: joke about not handling hangovers anymore maybe because I am getting older
Him: how old are you again? 33? That is very young
Me: come on you are not old either then! How old are you, 43 right?
Him: nodded and said yes

Show quote history

That is a little disengenuous. Maybe you are right - let it go and find someone else.

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:36

Grammarnut · 30/03/2023 22:35

That is a little disengenuous. Maybe you are right - let it go and find someone else.

Show quote history

She checked a fundamental inconsistency in his basic details when given the opportunity naturally in conversation.... Not disengenuous.

He however is the personification of disengenuous.

Grammarnut · 30/03/2023 22:37

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:36

She checked a fundamental inconsistency in his basic details when given the opportunity naturally in conversation.... Not disengenuous.

He however is the personification of disengenuous.

Show quote history

Sorry, not being clear. I meant he was being disingenuous not to give his correct age, not the OP.

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:38

I deprecate it but also tend to conceal my age (so I also am lying, perhaps?)

You're not exactly looking like a neutral, well adjusted, honest, self respecting example here .... To be giving a valid opinion.

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:39

Grammarnut · 30/03/2023 22:37

Sorry, not being clear. I meant he was being disingenuous not to give his correct age, not the OP.

Show quote history

Oh apologies, I got totally the wrong end of the stick.

FrostyFifi · 30/03/2023 22:47

As someone else said, if you organically fall in love with someone far older than you then that's one thing but you'd be daft to deliberately sign up for potentially caring for a much older spouse down the line and then an extended widowhood. Oh and poor quality sperm.

FrostyFifi · 30/03/2023 22:49

Sorry that's probably a bit harsh but I'm sick to death of women being gaslit into accepting older partners when no-one is pressuring men to date older in the same way.

bagofdogshit · 30/03/2023 22:55

I can't believe the people on here trying to justify this.

aurynne · 30/03/2023 23:03

Dump him, OP, so some of these other posters who also lie about their age and don't think lying is an issue can have him all to themselves.

Two fewer lying scumbags in the pool.

Win-win

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 23:06

Grammarnut · 30/03/2023 22:28

Do you like him? Did he like you? Did he lie about his age because he knows you are 34 and wanted to seem younger? Some women do this all the time - I deprecate it but also tend to conceal my age (so I also am lying, perhaps?). 34 to 47 is not unreasonable, it's 13 years, not the end of the world. Before you decide that telling a lie about his age is the end of the world make sure that he isn't a guy you simply like. I mean, why did you ask his age ffs? Would you be happy being asked your age by a casual date?

Who are you to say whether an age gap is 'not unreasonable' or not?

There's no blanket rule on what's reasonable when it comes to personal preferences. That's why they are personal.

If OP only wanted to date people five years older than her and he lied by three years, the principle would still be the same.

He told a lie because he thought the truth meant she wouldn't want to date him due to her preferences.

He felt his preferences (dating a younger woman her age) entitle him to ignore her preferences (dating someone a maximum 10 years older than her).

It's entitlement. And that's an incredibly ugly quality.

TrishM80 · 30/03/2023 23:13

The fact that you are gonna break it off with him for being 3 years older than he said, kinda justifies his lying about his age in the first place!

PousseyNotMoira · 30/03/2023 23:17

TrishM80 · 30/03/2023 23:13

The fact that you are gonna break it off with him for being 3 years older than he said, kinda justifies his lying about his age in the first place!

Utter nonsense. He lied about something he knew she wouldn’t like. The fact that she doesn’t like said thing doesn’t justify the lie. She gets to have any dating criteria she wants and he’s not entitled to a date with a younger woman.

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 23:19

TrishM80 · 30/03/2023 23:13

The fact that you are gonna break it off with him for being 3 years older than he said, kinda justifies his lying about his age in the first place!

He lied about something because he knew specifically that the truth would have meant she didn't date him.

He proactively told a lie to trick her into dating him. It's manipulation pure and simple. He repeated the lie when given an opportunity to come clean.

I'm baffled you think that his behaviour is in any way acceptable and that it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for you if someone lied in order to trick you into dating them.

TrishM80 · 30/03/2023 23:43

Anyway, most importantly, was the guy over 6 foot tall or not?! 😁

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 23:55

FrostyFifi · 30/03/2023 22:49

Sorry that's probably a bit harsh but I'm sick to death of women being gaslit into accepting older partners when no-one is pressuring men to date older in the same way.

Yeah if this is an example of how women (apparently women) pressure and almost shame a woman about not continuing to see a man nearly a quarter of a century older than her who's started out by lying to her about his age; no wonder men have the attitude they have and get away with much.

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 23:58

Who are you to say whether an age gap is 'not unreasonable' or not?

Op is willing to date up to ten years older and that's more than "reasonable".

A young woman with some basic, reasonabke criteria and boundaries; and women on here want to convince her she's wrong to have them and should let me trample them.
Hand maidens.