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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing guy who lied about his age?

447 replies

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 07:42

Went on two lovely dates with a guy. I thought this had potential, we got on really well and there definitely was mutual interest.

However, a thorough Internet research has showed me that he is 3 years older than stated. I even asked him for confirmation about his age on the first date (casually in conversation) and he confirmed the age stated on his OLD profile.

3 years is not a big difference, but to me it makes a difference. I am 33 going on 34, so dating a 44 years old vs a 47 years old IS different. He is closer to 50 than 40 FFS!

More importantly, I am just bothered by the lie and unimpressed about the insecurity this reveals. I think I will have to call it a day.

What do you all think? Not a big deal or am I right to be so annoyed? AIBU or not?

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 31/03/2023 09:12

Farmageddon · 31/03/2023 09:05

I always hollow laugh when I hear guys say 'age is just a number'. Yeah right.

If age is just a number why don't men over 40 want to date women their own age or older?

Show quote history

This, apparently old data shows they seek/click on profiles of twenty somethings no matter what their age.

It's par for the course for men with money & power to swap their partner out for a younger model around 40. It's so common, the ones who don't are the exception to the rule.

On dating sites even the reasonable ones look for up to ten years younger and rarely even a year or two older.

As I said even on swinging & hook up sites you have men specifying their max age range and ... Even for a no strings meaningless fuck, they're limiting the upper age limit, sometimes to not more than 5 yrs older.

The age is just a number rule only applies to them (men).

Allblackeverythingalways · 31/03/2023 09:22

TrishM80 · 30/03/2023 23:13

The fact that you are gonna break it off with him for being 3 years older than he said, kinda justifies his lying about his age in the first place!

No.
It does not.
He lied to get around her perfectly valid preferences. He doesn't respect boundaries, he'll probably turn out to be a narcissistic wanker a couple of years down the line.

So many of them lie about the basics then get angry when they get found out.

I'm only 43
I'm divorced
I've not got any children
She was a psycho
That's never happened to me before... 🤣

LooseGoose22 · 31/03/2023 09:33

honeypancake · 31/03/2023 07:21

This is true, but not everyone is lucky to have kids sorted in their 30s. Imagine a woman in her early 40s looking to find someone to still try and have a family with and you would be telling prospective male candidates to look younger because they have better eggs. It is not always down to finding the best sperm/egg donor. There are also options now. Plenty of people have children in their 40s, men and women. It is important not to delay if you can but the reality is millions of people these days cannot find a partner to settle down with earlier. I would definitely not discard someone in their 40s purely because they are not the perfect sperm donor!

Show quote history

You are being very cavalier about infertility.

Op doesn't have to accept a man in his (late) 40s because she, at 33, will feasibly have other prospects.

"He* is not being shy re going for younger women.

It's not about perfect egg/sperm donor; it's about fertility issues alongside all other issues.

And for the record; if either a man or woman in their 40s is very keen on having kids, their best bet would be someone younger if they could get them. And a woman would increasingly be told to use a younger woman's donor eggs eh for IVF if she got much of a foot into her 40s.

FrostyFifi · 31/03/2023 09:38

His potential desire for children is not OPs problem to solve. He should have made it a priority sooner rather than relying on getting a younger partner to the point he's willing to lie.

LooseGoose22 · 31/03/2023 09:39

*Plenty of people have children in their 40s, men and women"

Absolutely; and it is entirely up to people you get than them whether hey choose to have kids with them, or someone closer to their age. I have a roughly 3 yr gap with my partner (him younger and we got together young-ish); this is 13 years at 33 and 47. Op doesn't want that, especially with his dishonesty, and that's perfectly understandable.

LooseGoose22 · 31/03/2023 09:41

*people younger than them

TrishM80 · 31/03/2023 09:41

Why do I get the feeling that if this guy was a billionaire, this 3-year age-shaving wouldn't be a problem for the OP?!

Having said that, if he was a billionaire he probably wouldn't be single or on OLD!

FrostyFifi · 31/03/2023 09:42

Hell if someone was a billionaire I'd rather they were closer to 90 so I'd be closer to my massive inheritance!

Original poster
JollieJullie · 31/03/2023 09:46

TrishM80 · 31/03/2023 09:41

Why do I get the feeling that if this guy was a billionaire, this 3-year age-shaving wouldn't be a problem for the OP?!

Having said that, if he was a billionaire he probably wouldn't be single or on OLD!

Actually he likely is a millionaire as he is a big dog in finance. Luckily I have a very lucrative career too, so wealth isn't something that matters to me in a man.

OP posts:
Original poster
JollieJullie · 31/03/2023 09:47

Sorry I read millionaire rather than billionaire but the point still stands

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 31/03/2023 09:50

It's interesting that op is being told by so many posters to be "equal opportunities" re. dating; while this man is most definitely not "equal opportunities" from his side.

LooseGoose22 · 31/03/2023 09:51

FrostyFifi · 31/03/2023 09:42

Hell if someone was a billionaire I'd rather they were closer to 90 so I'd be closer to my massive inheritance!

Lol

LooseGoose22 · 31/03/2023 09:52

Maybe you could fit in a baby to an 87 (?) year old like Bernie Ecclestone's latest wife, just to secure that inheritance.

pinkyredrose · 31/03/2023 09:57

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 29/03/2023 13:16

I wouldn’t care about the age and I think at your age you are too old to be splitting hairs over three years. However, the lie would send me running.

At your age

The fuck!😂

monsteramunch · 31/03/2023 10:00

LooseGoose22 · 31/03/2023 09:50

It's interesting that op is being told by so many posters to be "equal opportunities" re. dating; while this man is most definitely not "equal opportunities" from his side.

Isn't it just!

He's lied specifically to date women in his chosen age bracket.

OP has been lied to and tricked into dating a man outside of her chosen age bracket.

Yet she is being unreasonable for having a chosen age bracket?! Unreal.

PearlClutzsche · 31/03/2023 10:01

Why do I get the feeling that if this guy was a billionaire, this 3-year age-shaving wouldn't be a problem for the OP?!

Because you're judging her by your own standards? OP never mentioned money until you brought it up, so why would you have a 'feeling' about her attitude to his finances?

monsteramunch · 31/03/2023 10:02

TrishM80 · 31/03/2023 09:41

Why do I get the feeling that if this guy was a billionaire, this 3-year age-shaving wouldn't be a problem for the OP?!

Having said that, if he was a billionaire he probably wouldn't be single or on OLD!

Maybe because you would personally reassess your usual parameters / dealbreakers if someone was minted?

Doesn't mean everyone would, OP included.

PearlClutzsche · 31/03/2023 10:03

Ha, cross post @monsteramunch

ELL2478 · 31/03/2023 10:26

Some of these responses dragging the OP are ridiculous and I assume most or from men (who probably wouldn't look at a woman ten years older). The OP is well within her rights to have a cap on age. I say this as someone married to a man 17 years older and met him at 24. We are happy, but now at 32 and nearly 49 with another DC on the way, i can here definitely issues that come with large age gaps which have to be navigated.

Ooonafoo · 31/03/2023 11:39

ELL2478 · 31/03/2023 10:26

Some of these responses dragging the OP are ridiculous and I assume most or from men (who probably wouldn't look at a woman ten years older). The OP is well within her rights to have a cap on age. I say this as someone married to a man 17 years older and met him at 24. We are happy, but now at 32 and nearly 49 with another DC on the way, i can here definitely issues that come with large age gaps which have to be navigated.

Some of these responses dragging the OP are ridiculous and I assume most or from men (who probably wouldn't look at a woman ten years older).

Or 13 years older which is the facts in this case.

Do we think this 47 year old man is considering a 60 year old woman?

MobilityCat · 31/03/2023 11:42

JollieJullie · 31/03/2023 08:15

Sorry but half-page-plus-7 is bs in my opinion! Would you say that a 34 years old and a 55 years old are a good match?!

I means surely two people of such ages can fall in love and be happy, but would you say that the age gap between them is ideal?

Show quote history

I agree with you, but as you said to some it might not matter, however the OP had a boundary and the guy crossed it and lied to her. That was the real issue.

Ooonafoo · 31/03/2023 11:48

And he has been persistently deceitful.

He had the choice when the opportunity naturally arose on their date to come clean - but he chose not.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 31/03/2023 12:04

MobilityCat · 31/03/2023 11:42

I agree with you, but as you said to some it might not matter, however the OP had a boundary and the guy crossed it and lied to her. That was the real issue.

Show quote history

It's interesting that OP had already crossed her own boundary re age, she was happy to date someone 11 years older but not 13.
Maybe it's more to do with the lie, which he's probably embarrassed about, but if she's worried, put off, freaked out, confused by that she's best to stop seeing him sooner rather than later as it's early in the potential relationship.

If she's getting a tad desperate to find someone she likes, as she seemed to like him, then maybe give it a bit longer, meet friends and damily, see if any more alarm bells ring, that would be my advice fwiw.

Original poster
JollieJullie · 31/03/2023 12:19

@Twentyfirstcenturymumma he stated he was 43 going on 44, which is 10 years older than me at 33 going on 34. So I did not cross my boundary, he was just at the very top of my age range.

OP posts:
Farmageddon · 31/03/2023 12:24

Mamanyt · 31/03/2023 00:21

I'm a bit on the fence about this. Many, MANY women lie about their ages...and by more than 3 years. Should the men they are dating drop them? According to you, they certainly should! I do not see this as a big deal, however. Not at your ages. Now, if you were 21, and someone told you that they were also 21, you then found out that they were only 17 years old, that's a different matter. Three or four years is a lot more difference at that age than it is once you are fully grown and matured (about 20-25 for women, 25-30 for men...our brains finish maturing faster than men's do).

You're right, sometimes women do lie about their age. And the men who go on a few dates with them and later find this out are perfectly entitled to not date them anymore. Just like the OP is perfectly entitled to not see this guy anymore.
People should be allowed to have whatever boundaries they want, especially with dating. To me, lying is a big one.

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