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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go straight to CMS?

240 replies

zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 07:16

My baby is a week old. Father and I are no longer together. He contributed nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing during my pregnancy. He's bought not a single thing.

He has seen baby twice since the birth and did appear to dote on them... has asked for photos every day however has made it clear he is busy for the next week or so with work so won't be seeing baby again for a while.

He also turned up empty handed on both visits (I'm not sure if I WBU to expect he might turn up with a small gift for baby).

Anyway- money isn't an issue. He earns 6 figures.

AIBU to go straight to CMS (I am registering baby this week)?

OR should I wait a month or so a give him a chance to make an offer to help support her?

OP posts:
standardduck · 06/06/2023 19:33

He is bluffing.

And he sounds awful.

Keep all his messages, but don't engage with his threats and manipulation.

Original poster
zzzzebra · 06/06/2023 20:31

Thank you everyone, the responses and advice really helps.

I feel horrendous but I need to pull myself together for my baby.

OP posts:
Morningcoffeeview · 06/06/2023 20:43

He’s just being a dick about handing some money over. Let it wash over you - it’s his tough shit not yours.

billy1966 · 06/06/2023 20:52

OP, i think he is utter scum and you should ring Women's aid for advice and support.

Ask them should you log his abuse and threats, together with the abusive texts, with police.

Tell them how scared and fearful you are.

This is a really ugly man.

Tell them that after a 3 year relationship and a planned baby, he changed his mind and became abusive after demanding you abort.

Have this all laid out for use in the future.

Tell your GP too how upsetting his continued threats are.

He has no business being near your child.

He is scum.

I really hope it is recommended that you log his abuse of you with police.

I am so sorry.

coxesorangepippin · 06/06/2023 20:53

Straight down there

LaurieFairyCake · 07/06/2023 06:45

Revolting man and some really horrible views expressed by some cunts on here too

Anyone willingly trying for a baby should not be surprised and expect an abortion when one appears - it's not the immaculate fucking conception !

I can't believe anyone is arguing on here that women's bodies are not THEIRS and instead should be controlled by some feckless arsehole just because he has a penis Hmm

Block him OP - block his numbers and his emails - only respond to court documents if he decides he wants to see her (don't respond to solicitors - they're just his mouthpiece)

Hope your CMS payments come through quickly Flowers

shellyleppard · 07/06/2023 19:08

Second option.... definitely. If you keep giving him a chance you will be waiting for a very very long time

Original poster
zzzzebra · 09/06/2023 10:00

I've had more abusive texts from him yesterday and he's made it clear he is disputing parentage as well as describing me as wanting a "piece of his money".

Part of me is regretting putting the claim in now as I can't cope with this abusive while trying to look after a little one on my own.

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 09/06/2023 10:35

OP, you were advised to block him so do that now. He is a piece of shit.

Tippingadvice · 09/06/2023 11:12

@zzzzebra well he really is showing his true colours. Log everything and block him.

Your daughter is entitled to the CMS money. It will pay for her nappies, clothes, school uniform, toys, food, childcare etc. it’s not money for you it’s money for her. You are not asking for money for you but for his daughter - does he think she won’t cost anything?

Please don’t let him bully you in to withdrawing the CMS claim. If he is a high earner the CMS figure may have shocked him, but there is no reason for his response.

Confirm to CMS you are willing to do a DNA test.

Also hold onto the fact that this was a planned pregnancy and he knew exactly the outcome each time he chose to have unprotected sex.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 09/06/2023 11:22

@zzzzebra You don't have to deal with him. Block him and have him go through someone else.

He can dispute parentage with CMS all he likes, if he doesn't do the test he will be assumed father and has to pay. If he does the test and is the father, he has to pay CMS and the test fee. He's literally just going to end up paying more. Him delaying it won't help, its backdated from when you put the claim in!

Funny isn't it how he's made all these threats about how he has a lawyer, he's been told he doesn't have to pay because of the text, it's going to court, he's going after your job. And what's come of it? Nothing! Because they're all nonsense coming out his arse. He's desperate not to pay so he's just going to move through various threats until he realises that won't work either and move onto the next. If he had a leg to stand on he'd actually do something rather than sending you abusive texts.

Tell him you're blocking him because he's being abusive, and since he is disputing parentage you clearly don't need to keep communication open as he isn't going to want to see a child he doesn't think is his.
If he wants to contact you he has to contact X person, or give him a dedicated email you can check when you want. For example use a friend that will filter out the abuse and only pass on things of substance.

billy1966 · 09/06/2023 11:40

Please keep every abusive text.

Don't EVER delete them.

You may need them years from now when he may decide it suits him to have contact.

It happens.

You will want every proof of his character and this will show a lot.

GabriellaMontez · 09/06/2023 11:43

I'll take you to court, you'll lose your job, we could've sorted something between us, I'm not the father...

What will be next I wonder? It was never planned, she's using my money to get her nails done, she's got mental health issues... prepare for more lines from the book 'What shit Dad's say'.

CMS are going to take ages so try not to give it too much thought.

Enjoy your baby. She's lucky to have you fighting her corner.

SpinningFloppa · 09/06/2023 11:55

block him?

Original poster
zzzzebra · 09/06/2023 12:32

I hadn't blocked him because up until this point I've been trying to keep lines of communication open for him, have made it clear for him to let me know if he would like to see her, and we agreed on twice weekly photos/updates.

Writing all that down it does sound like I've been pandering to him but I'm honestly terrified of being seen to be doing the "wrong" thing or keeping his child from him etc.

@GabriellaMontez exactly. Make it make sense! His story seems to change ever 5 mins at the moment.

I think blocking him and setting up an email for communication about her is the best thing to do.

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 09/06/2023 13:16

Keep ploughing ahead with the claim. Do not react at all to him. Screenshot everything. If he wants a paternity test let him go ahead (make sure it takes place at a proper setting), grey rock him, be polite in any response you make. This is money your child is entitled to, dont lose sight of that. If he isn't going to bother being a decent father then the least he can do is provide financially. His reaction isn't personal, he is just having a tantrum do not take anything to heart. You have done all the work of raising your dd, you can hold your head high. Are his family involved at all?

Naunet · 09/06/2023 13:18

TwinsAndTiramisu · 29/03/2023 13:36

Categorically not saying that. It's your choice, and should be. Not particularly productive to try and claim that's been said to then act horrified. That's just deflection.

You made a choice. The right choice for you However, if someone is against that choice, over which they had no control, you can't get shitty with them for not doing things the way you like. You knew you'd be doing this alone. Why the expectation of gifts? You clearly thought he'd come round. But you didn't ever come round to what he wanted, so why the double standard of expectations?

You really wanted the child. He really didn't. Why should he respect your life long decision, while acting like you don't have to respect his?

Show quote history

He actively made a choice to make a baby, he’s a fucking grown adult man, so why the hell are you falling over yourself to make excuses for such an irresponsible prick? He made his choice, the poor little manchild doesn’t get to go back on that, no matter how many excuses dick panderers like you make.
Shame on you.

Naunet · 09/06/2023 13:31

zzzzebra · 06/06/2023 08:42

@cushioncovers I work and don't get any benefits so he knows it wouldn't be the "state", it would be me.

I don't understand how he thinks he can pop around and play Dad for a few hours every month and I'm just going to work and support her for the next 18 years while he gets to do that and not put a cent towards his child's upbringing.

He acted like I was such an awful person. I haven't slept a wink due to how anxious this has made me.

Op, you need to block this man, but if he does start with all the money whinging, point out to him that he made a choice to have a baby, and seeing as abortion isn’t a male contraception option, he now has to support his child, a child that needs food in their belly NOW, not in 10 years, so he needs to grow the fuck up and live by the choice HE MADE.
He’s a truly pathetic creature.

LittleOwl153 · 09/06/2023 13:42

I would not agree to seeing him alone with your daughter until all of this is sorted. Stick to the public place and if at all possible have someone with you (a friend or relative).

LittleOwl153 · 09/06/2023 13:48

His shocker is on 6 figures you are talking of upwards of £800 a month... I expect he anticipated giving you £50 every now and then when you begged for it - or nothing as he has so far. Good Luck OP - keep at the CMS and ignore him. Mute him if you need to and get a friend to check every now and then.

LittleOwl153 · 09/06/2023 14:04

Also have a look at some of the parenting apps. I wouldn't suggest you pay for one at this point - but if you can use one without it might be worth it as this is admissable in court if he ever gets to that point. (He can't for CMS purposes). It means you can put him in that box and block him everywhere else.

Original poster
zzzzebra · 09/06/2023 14:26

He said again yesterday that we could have "sorted this between ourselves" and I asked him again what his suggestion would be (even though I'd have no intention of taking him up on it). And he just said we need to sit down as adults and work out "what is fair".

I explained to him again that CMS is the legal bare minimum contribution so surely that's what's fair and I don't understand why he is so upset about it?

He just said now that I've got "legals" this will get "messy".

I do really feel like he's trying to threaten me out of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
zzzzebra · 09/06/2023 14:26

I'll look at parenting apps thanks @LittleOwl153

OP posts:
ijustneedanamefgs · 09/06/2023 14:32

Tell him you would be happy to talk about what support he gives in addition to cms as cms is minimal and of course he would be welcome to support his child above and beyond that as he should. Also don’t be afraid to mention that he has given no support at all up to this point. Going to cms just takes the essential finances out of it so it doesn’t get in the way of the relationship going forward, but things like childcare, clubs, clothes, uniforms etc in the future yous can discuss between yous.

billy1966 · 09/06/2023 14:37

OP,

Scum like him don't like people knowing what utter shits they are.

I suggest you monitor those threats carefully, then
I suggest you call 101 and log that you are nervous because of his threats and anger towards you.

I wouldn't allow him in your home under any circumstances.

He is a nasty ugly man.

I also wouldn't facilitate any involvement.

Let him go to court.

Screenshot those abusive texts and keep them somewhere safe.

You are hoping for a decent relationship with someone completely indecent.

Deal with your reality and protect yourself.

Those texts should be what his family see.

It can be a huge eye opener to some parents as to what their sons are capable of texting to an ex, quite shocking in fact.