To go straight to CMS?

[zzzzebra]

My baby is a week old. Father and I are no longer together. He contributed nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing during my pregnancy. He's bought not a single thing.

He has seen baby twice since the birth and did appear to dote on them... has asked for photos every day however has made it clear he is busy for the next week or so with work so won't be seeing baby again for a while.

He also turned up empty handed on both visits (I'm not sure if I WBU to expect he might turn up with a small gift for baby).

Anyway- money isn't an issue. He earns 6 figures.

AIBU to go straight to CMS (I am registering baby this week)?

OR should I wait a month or so a give him a chance to make an offer to help support her?

He said again yesterday that we could have "sorted this between ourselves" and I asked him again what his suggestion would be (even though I'd have no intention of taking him up on it). And he just said we need to sit down as adults and work out "what is fair"

Ah so he thinks half a pack of nappies a week and a pack of baby grows every 3 months would be fair? Hilarious! He's going to be one of those who demands you account for ever penny I suspect (you absolutely don't have to account for any if it and he can't insist!).

Stick with the CMS. They will tell him.having looked at his PAYE records what he has to pay... and you will be abke to go back to them and get them to chase him and if need be take from his pay directly if needs be. It can be a long process... so best to attempt to put it to one side now until there is a result.

I'd respond to him that you will be using CMS so there is no need to discuss it further. And to be in touch ONLY if it is about arranging to see baby.

He's just bluffing, block him let him rant and smile sweetly knowing you're in the right and he's being a class dick !

He had no intention of regularly paying towards his daughter's upkeep. It'll be "messy" for HIM as he will now have to answer to CMS and actually pay.
Stand firm and do not be bullied by him. This is money for your daughter. He can afford it. Just doesn't want to pay. Poor little man being told to pay towards his child 🙄.

Good luck 💐

He was fully expecting to give you no more than he has been, hes angry now because CPS have the ability to actually take the money from him with no ability for him to just decide not to give it.
Absolutely don't back down - he's a nasty person and your choices are really "have him be nasty but get some money towards the baby" or "have him be nasty and get no money", theres no third option.

You're all fab, thank you so much!

@StormTreader no more than he's giving now = a big fat nothing.

He got nothing during the pregnancy and he's got her nothing since she's been born.

I think he probably will take me to court to get on the BC and get some sort of custody of her though, which I'm worried about.

I think you should assume he will threaten to take you to court and there will be further threats of custody etc. Question is, will he follow through and step up to the hard slog of parenting? Unlikely.

And, if he's disputing that he's the father, I presume he won't want to see her for a while?

He is stamping his feet..

No solicitor will tell him he doesn't need to pay mainatence..
If he contacts you again re mainatence.. just tell him he needs to talk to the cms not you as this is the reason you went to the CMS to avoid this.... Then either ignore of reply this is for the cms..

I also would be very tempeted to leave the phone unblocked give him enough rope to hang himself. You don't owe him an answer to anything ..If he is abusive ignore.. he may well flip from abusive to really nice.. keep it all . it it turns to be harrassment then go to the police.. Hold the higher moral ground here is a mantra I used with my abusive ex.

You sound like you are been more than reasonable.. Turn your phone off frequently so you get undisturbed time with baby.

Helping where he could does not reliably buy food or provide for his child.

I'd tell him I'm going to the CMS. You are not then at his behest.

So your little miss is 11(?) Weeks old he's had 3 paydays (and you've missed 3 pay days) and he has offered not one single penny towards her upkeep! He believes she has no costs so the £2400+ he owes up to now is going to be winding him up no end! He's going tondo everything he can to avoid / delay paying up. Even though the law says he has to.

On the other hand you've had 11 weeks of your little miss smiling back at you. Don't let his behaviour take away the precious time you have with her!

This ^^

And if you find yourself feeling upset or scared, picture him as a raging toddler in dungarees stamping his feet because that's all he's doing. He's hopping up down down throwing threats about because he doesn't like it. Tough!

Block him and let CMS do the corresponding.

Let him stamp his feet.....it can't get messy because there's nothing to mess with....any solicitor will tell him straight. He won't take you to court for 'custody' for a child he doesn't want to contribute to/claims isn't his. Don't react, don't engage

Amazing how many women get pregnant by accident from high earners.

Amazing how many get pregnant by unemployed slobs too!

He will do that anyway though. Even if you dropped CMS now he'd threated it next time he doesn't like something. He may decide when she's older and easier to manage he wants to play dad now and take you to court then anyway.

You getting the CMS you're legally entitled to at a minimum isn't going to change anything. Even if he did it sooner, he'd actually have to step up and parent which he has shown no inclination towards!

Rtft. It wasn't by accident. It was a planned pregnancy.

My similarly high earning ex- partner also went berserk when I made a CMS application (I’d suggested a voluntary agreement but he was very vague about what/when he would pay and wanted to link it to ridiculous conditions- such as me never living with another man). It was a really stressful time but once the CMS arrangements were in place he stopped the threats. We did end up in court numerous times afterwards (as he tried to conceal assets) but eventually I did receive everything I was owed. Try not to let him intimidate you - the reason he’s angry is because he knows he’ll be made to pay. The CMS operates slowly but, on the whole, my experience of them was good. Stay strong.

Op, in a couple of years you might well be dealing with some toddler tantrums from your little one. Helpfully your ex is giving you a handy demonstration of what a tantrum looks like.

He can stamp his feet and wail and bleat all he likes. The child is his, he actively took part in the sex that created her, he can't opt out of that.

So, how do we deal with tantrums? Firmness where necessary, ignoring the hysterics, and not indulging it.

So I would send one text back to him. Be clear that you are not withdrawing your cms claim, and you are not prepared to discuss that further. That you are not blocking access for him to see his daughter, and that you are prepared to discuss access like reasonable adults. If he can't treat you with respect, you will not respond to his messages. He can email you at this email address to discuss seeing his daughter.

Set up a unique email address that you can use for those communications only. Check it as often as you feel comfortable and only respond to polite reasonable messages.

Then block him on everything else. Download a copy of everything he's sent you and keep it safe.

If he threatens you, report it to the police. Check your house insurance, you might have legal cover included. If you're in a union, they might also offer access to a legal advice service. If so, give them a call.

So he has decided that "what is fair" is to pay absolutely nothing for his child? Because that is exactly what he has paid for the last 11 weeks

He is a very nasty piece of work. He is behaving like a big baby himself. This was a planned child but then he decides he doesn't want the baby, then he decides he wants to see her - but only when it suits him and not pay anything towards her

Do not withdraw your claim as he will just find new ways to bully you.

You really need to stop giving him power and stop trying to appease him. Take a bit of control back. Save all of the messages and block him. Tell him you will only correspond by e-mail. Let him take you to court if he wants to but he might not like the results.

He's trying to make you feel guilty and unreasonable Op and at the moment you're letting him get away with it. He agreed to a baby , and yes, he is allowed to change his mind, but not once your pregnant. It's a done deal now so he'd better grow up and get on with it.
As a pp said, block him on everything accept an e mail address and only read messages that refer to seeing the baby, any other abusive messages have a quick scan through then keep but don't answer. In his present nasty state of mind I'd refuse to let him in the house, all meetings in public so you have witnesses if he turns nasty.
He's trying really hard to make you say you'll provide everything for the baby but he has a legal obligation to your child, press on with the CMS claim, all the threats of solicitors are just his last desperate attempt to scare you

Ignore @taxpayer1 he's always on these threads taking the general position he has here. Shane he can't even read the OP properly.

OP.
Stop 🛑 don't indulge this man child for a second.
As op have suggested, a good idea is a specific email for child related issues and to maintain a single line of communication. Never respond to abuse.

Keep at it with all CLS stuff.
Ignore his tantrums

Think yourself lucky you got away from him.
Congratulations on your little Princess

I'm angry at myself for even responding to him but it's so hard not to want to defend myself and my baby :(

He keeps saying that it's "clear" what I wanted all along and why I kept the baby when we broke up... for money in his opinion. It makes me so angry and upset to hear him referring to her in that way.

And she's a living breathing little human and he still thinks I should have aborted her.

I'm not exaggerating when I say he's done nothing for her so far- not only has he not paid anything, he's not bought her so much as a pack of nappies, sleepsuit or teddy? If he had and I could see he was trying I would feel more guilty.

You are all right that I need to stick with this as it's for my daughter, but it's going to be hard. But I am better to start as I mean to go on and if it's not this I'm sure it will be something else he will try and hold over me.

Thank you all for the kind words and support. She is amazing and such a lovely little soul. I get to wake up with her, comfort her, cuddle her and get the joy of all her little smiles and her eyes lighting up with she sees me. It's so special!

He’s so stupid, if he really thinks CMS will ever leave you in profit vs being childfree.

Offer to send him the nursery bill rather than CMS… he’ll soon see he won’t save money!