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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

319 replies

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 00:52

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now).

At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 29/03/2023 11:23

Cherrysoup · 29/03/2023 10:56

Maybe as a pp says, he needs a break from your parents, but I can’t imagine a mum happily organising dinner out 2 weeks postpartum.

Show quote history

I did. Though it was with my husband, not a friend. I also didn't breastfeed so it was easier for me to get out.

Everyone is different, including mothers.

IndigoLight · 29/03/2023 11:24

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:29

Spoke to DH. He apologised and said he genuinely didn't realise I needed him :( he assumed my parents were about and I'd be fine for help. But he understands it's him I need more than anything else.

He is a good man, and I'm glad you are sorted out. I have a good one too. People who had easy births, easy babies just don't get it. I also had my dps around but had a traumatic birth. I was not rational and feeling out of my mind with a non stop crying baby. Even though we had extra hands to help, do you think I could just pop off to nap with my new baby screaming and inconsolable whilst also recovering from a complicated CSec. Op just wants her dh there, while she is taking care of the baby and probably wants to have that 'family' feeling even though others are around. I get it op. Hope you are feeling more settled soon. X

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 11:24

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/03/2023 11:23

I did. Though it was with my husband, not a friend. I also didn't breastfeed so it was easier for me to get out.

Everyone is different, including mothers.

Show quote history

I might have done if living with my in laws....

idontlikementhols · 29/03/2023 11:26

Iwannabewherethepeopleare · 29/03/2023 11:02

If you hadn’t just had a baby I’d find this to be really suffocating and definitely unreasonable. I’m on the fence since baby will only be two weeks. It’s concerning that you feel you should be the only one he needs. You’ve not answered anything about people suggesting he needs a break from your parents. It must be quite difficult. It’s one thing staying with your own parents but another with in-laws.

All this... He's allowed to have feelings, and to want a bit of space. It's a couple of hours. I'd find living with my in laws quite suffocating even though they're perfectly nice people.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/03/2023 11:29

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 11:24

I might have done if living with my in laws....

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I don't think I would've made it 2 weeks if I was living with my in laws. 😂I actually get along with them well but it doesn't mean I want to live with them, especially adjusting to parenthood on top of that.

To be fair, I would probably feel the same if I was living with my parents. I like my own space.

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 11:31

The more I read the more suffocating this relationship sounds. Still, whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 11:34

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/03/2023 11:01

@HappyButHangry

“The fact that he organised the dinner does concern me - for example perhaps he needs the escape or someone who isn't me to talk to. and it's something I'll pick up with him when he's back from work.”

why does that concern you??

of course he needs someone else to talk to other than you!

everyone needs someone else to talk to other than their spouse - that is healthy and normal

Because it isn't something he normally enjoys. It's out of the ordinary for him

OP posts:
EnVogue · 29/03/2023 11:41

Op, why are you choosing to actively disregard all comments regarding your husbands feelings also?

Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 11:44

EnVogue · 29/03/2023 11:41

Op, why are you choosing to actively disregard all comments regarding your husbands feelings also?

I'm not. I've said the fact that he went out of his way to organise this concerns me. I know it's not something he would usually do and so it's something I'll speak to him about when he's back from work. I also did say he struggles to speak about his feelings and needs a lot of questions in order to articulate his feelings.

OP posts:
Theluggage15 · 29/03/2023 11:45

This all sounds suffocating. You’re going to discuss why he needs someone other than you to talk to?

butterfliedtwo · 29/03/2023 11:45

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 11:34

Because it isn't something he normally enjoys. It's out of the ordinary for him

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So is living with his in laws, I assume. Everyone needs someone to talk to besides their partner and partner's parents. It's completely normal. What isn't normal is that it is a concern to you.

The man needs a break (from his in-laws).

idontlikementhols · 29/03/2023 11:47

Theluggage15 · 29/03/2023 11:45

This all sounds suffocating. You’re going to discuss why he needs someone other than you to talk to?

I would HATE this. Why can't he have anyone else to talk to?

Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 11:49

Wow it's like I'm not speaking the same language. It concerns me means I am WORRIED about my husband. I want to speak to him about how he's feeling. For goodness sake. I have no problem with him speaking to his friend. And yes I can appreciate living with in law's is tricky too - DH and I have already spoken about that aspect too.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 11:50

Ok somewhere I said something which makes people think he can't speak to other people. That's not true at all. If that's how it came across, that is not at all what I meant.

OP posts:
EnVogue · 29/03/2023 11:50

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 11:44

I'm not. I've said the fact that he went out of his way to organise this concerns me. I know it's not something he would usually do and so it's something I'll speak to him about when he's back from work. I also did say he struggles to speak about his feelings and needs a lot of questions in order to articulate his feelings.

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But you do realise he may need other people to confide in away from you and away from his in laws? It all sounds very suffocating tbh.

EnVogue · 29/03/2023 11:52

Feel sorry for him you've made him cancel his dinner and reschedule. Nobody can tell you how to feel, a lot of women experience traumatic births. A lot of women are not lucky enough to have supportive parents and partners.. You've essentially guilt tripped him into not going out.

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 11:52

OP, kindly, chill out and don't worry. Your DH wanting to get away for a bit/ talk to people isn't worrying. It's normal, for his living situation and everything else. Sure, absolutely check in with him. But I really wouldn't be making this a big issue. He's taken your feelings into account, and perhaps next time he wants to go out for a bit of a break you can take the comments on this thread into account.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/03/2023 11:57

@HappyButHangry

he probably feels the urge to socialise with his pals more because he is living with his in laws

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2023 11:58

It’s good that he’s not someone who ordinarily enjoys going out seeing as how you don’t seem to want him to do it anymore

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 11:59

WalkingOnTheCracks · 29/03/2023 09:44

Sapphire387

Oh lord, the 'cool wives' are out in force.

So when you use that expression, what actually do you mean by it?

Do you mean that these women don't really believe what they say - they are liars. Do you think that they say it in order to appear 'cool'? And if so, to whom and why?

Or do you mean that they are in some way honestly mistaken - just wrong - in which case what has 'cool' got to do with it?

Or is it some kind of irony, because you think that whatever they're saying is not 'cool' - in which case, whoever claimed it was? Certainly I've never seen any wives or mums suggest that they feel they're being cool. So it's not much of an insult is it?

Me, I think it means 'I disagree with you, but of course this issue all comes down to a difference in opinion, and rather than concede that difference, I'm just going to say something that sounds objectively critical although it actually means nothing at all'.

I'm sure you know perfectly well what it means. I'm using it as a term that describes women who tolerate sub-standard behaviour from men and then expect everyone else to do so, and if they don't, they're told they are unreasonable and making a fuss, ergo 'uncool'.

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 12:00

His friend contact him and he though 'ah there's an opportunity to catch up with someone I haven't seen for a while and have a bit of a breather'. There's nothing concerning or worrying.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/03/2023 12:01

@HappyButHangry

i don’t get why you’re worried

HopefulHeart38 · 29/03/2023 12:04
Ghost Hug GIF

Doesn't sound very "D"H to me!

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/03/2023 12:09

HopefulHeart38 · 29/03/2023 12:04

Doesn't sound very "D"H to me!

@HopefulHeart38

eh?? How do you work that out??

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 12:12

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 11:59

I'm sure you know perfectly well what it means. I'm using it as a term that describes women who tolerate sub-standard behaviour from men and then expect everyone else to do so, and if they don't, they're told they are unreasonable and making a fuss, ergo 'uncool'.

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I’m not sure that going out for dinner with a friend for a couple of hours constitutes sub standard behaviour. Particularly when there are two other adults present. It’s an insulting, misogynistic put down, however you look at it.

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