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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

319 replies

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 00:52

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now).

At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 12:39

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 12:12

I’m not sure that going out for dinner with a friend for a couple of hours constitutes sub standard behaviour. Particularly when there are two other adults present. It’s an insulting, misogynistic put down, however you look at it.

Show quote history

The only misogynistic behaviour on this thread are the women shaming a new mother who's had a traumatic delivery and would rather have her husband with her, or at least have him check in with her on how she's feeling and whether she needs his support, or whether he's OK to go out with his friend for an evening just a couple of weeks after a traumatic birth.

OP- I am glad you have discussed with your husband and that all is sorted.

Please don't listen to the people calling you 'controlling'. You are not.

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 12:39

He can of course speak to whatever friend he wants, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to see how he's doing in the meanwhile.

he can't 'speak to whatever friend he wants', though, can he?

he arranged a 2-hour catch up with a friend after work one evening, while you have 2 additional adults to help you look after a baby, and you've not only made him cancel this meetup, and apologise to you for having had the nerve to arrange it without seeking your permission first, you are also going to make him pay the price with an interrogation when he gets back from work.

this is really horrible behaviour.

EnVogue · 29/03/2023 12:39

It's a two hour dinner with a friend. Not a weekend jolly or stag do or work trip.

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 12:40

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 12:38

@Nottodayicant, lay off. There’s no need to rant at her.

It's wrong what she is doing and uou know it.

Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:41

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 12:36

He isn't the type of person to be controlled or manipulated

But he just has been. He rescheduled a much needed 2 hour break with his friend because YOU were not happy that he let you know at the dinner table he was going.
YOU would have preferred if he asked your permission like a schoolboy asking to go to his friends house to play conkers. So who wins here? Him? No, he has been reprimanded for not asking, he has had to cancel his dinner and now he has to come home and face you interrogating him as to why he felt the need to go in the first place.
You are controlling. I feel desperately sorry for him.

Show quote history

It's a bit of give and take. It's one time during a time in our lives that's quite different from the rest. If he stuck to his guns everyone would have had mean things to say about him. He compromised so now everyone thinks I'm manipulative. Maybe he heard how I was feeling and felt it would be more beneficial he be with me for now. Sometimes that's how relationships work. There's been times when he's needed me to be a bit strong for him during difficult times.. it's not that weird...

OP posts:
EnVogue · 29/03/2023 12:41

Op isn't going to back down because she thinks she's done nothing wrong. Pushing a human out doesn't give us the god given right to control or emotionally manipulate anyone.

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 12:41

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 12:40

It's wrong what she is doing and uou know it.

Show quote history

I agree but there’s no need for the aggression.

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 12:42

OP I agree you aren't controlling or horrible. You are hormonal and tired and recovering both mentally and physically. In that situation it's completely normal to feel vulernable and priortise that.

Don't beat yourself up about this, but try maybe reflect on the other side of this next time your DH wants a bit of breathing space. Or even encourage him to take it.

Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:42

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 12:39

He can of course speak to whatever friend he wants, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to see how he's doing in the meanwhile.

he can't 'speak to whatever friend he wants', though, can he?

he arranged a 2-hour catch up with a friend after work one evening, while you have 2 additional adults to help you look after a baby, and you've not only made him cancel this meetup, and apologise to you for having had the nerve to arrange it without seeking your permission first, you are also going to make him pay the price with an interrogation when he gets back from work.

this is really horrible behaviour.

I'm not going to interrogate him at all...

What is wrong with you guys!?

OP posts:
Bamboux · 29/03/2023 12:43

If he stuck to his guns everyone would have had mean things to say about him.

no. No one would 'say mean things' about a man (or woman) meeting a friend for 2 hours after work for a much-needed break and a friendly chat, while their partner has both of their own parents with them for company and support.

but you've denied him even that little break, that little sanity-saving breath of air. How much he must be looking forward to coming home this evening.

Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:45

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 12:43

If he stuck to his guns everyone would have had mean things to say about him.

no. No one would 'say mean things' about a man (or woman) meeting a friend for 2 hours after work for a much-needed break and a friendly chat, while their partner has both of their own parents with them for company and support.

but you've denied him even that little break, that little sanity-saving breath of air. How much he must be looking forward to coming home this evening.

Lucky for me he came home early just now because he missed us. How does that fit with your narrative of how sucky things are for him.

OP posts:
GreenestValley · 29/03/2023 12:45

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:45

Lucky for me he came home early just now because he missed us. How does that fit with your narrative of how sucky things are for him.

Show quote history

Probably trying to get back in your good books so next time he wants to see a friend, you'll let him?

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 12:46

GreenestValley · 29/03/2023 12:45

Probably trying to get back in your good books so next time he wants to see a friend, you'll let him?

Show quote history

Of course she won't.

Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:46

GreenestValley · 29/03/2023 12:45

Probably trying to get back in your good books so next time he wants to see a friend, you'll let him?

Show quote history

Of course that's what he's done. Silly me.

OP posts:
EnVogue · 29/03/2023 12:46

Op. Do you have any friends yourself?

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 12:47

If he stuck to hIf he stuck to his guns everyone would have had mean things to say about him.

No they wouldn't because he is doing nothing wrong.

He compromised

He had no choice.

Maybe he heard how I was feeling and felt it would be more beneficial he be with me for now

Beneficial for you, not him because you have parents there to help and cannot give him 2 measly hours.

it's not that weird

83% of people say it is. It's wrong and it is controlling not to allow a man out for 2 hours when you have 2 other capable adults to help you.

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 12:47

Lucky for me he came home early just now because he missed us. How does that fit with your narrative of how sucky things are for him.

He came home to appease you so he doesn't get shit later about how he never considers your feelings.

LadyKenya · 29/03/2023 12:47

Yabu. Poor man, he should have stuck with the plans he made.

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 12:49

Lucky for me he came home early just now because he missed us. How does that fit with your narrative of how sucky things are for him

Does that earn him the two hours he wants to meet a friend in brownie points or no?

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 12:49

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 12:47

Lucky for me he came home early just now because he missed us. How does that fit with your narrative of how sucky things are for him.

He came home to appease you so he doesn't get shit later about how he never considers your feelings.

Oh come on. A man can't come home early to see his one week old baby without it being for fear of retribution over a relatively minor spat with his hormonal wife? I think he would have been fine going out, but that is a stretch for me.

Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:50

Alright, I don't know how to wind this down. You're all very upset on behalf of DH. DH said he's going to appease me to bits now if it's ok with my internet friends.

OP posts:
HopefulHeart38 · 29/03/2023 12:51
Angry Inside Out GIF by Disney Pixar

she just gave birth to a baby you delusional frick, i am sure she wants to meet her friends too but someone has to care for the child. if he is some unsociable man what all of a sudden creates this spur of sociability, even then, can it not wait until a more appropriate, less taxing time

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 12:53

HopefulHeart38 · 29/03/2023 12:51

she just gave birth to a baby you delusional frick, i am sure she wants to meet her friends too but someone has to care for the child. if he is some unsociable man what all of a sudden creates this spur of sociability, even then, can it not wait until a more appropriate, less taxing time

She has her parents in the house to help! He is there all the time! he is a very hands on father. OP has admitted she is angry that he didn't ask not for any other reason. Read the post.

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 12:53

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:50

Alright, I don't know how to wind this down. You're all very upset on behalf of DH. DH said he's going to appease me to bits now if it's ok with my internet friends.

We're not your friends. We are, mostly, more experienced women and mothers who recognise a controlling, emotionally manipulative partner who punishes their spouse for seeking any kind of contact outside the relationship, regardless of the genders of the people involved.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/03/2023 12:54

@HappyButHangry

if my husband didn’t have mates I’d be thrilled about him going out with a pal
he needs a life outside of you and the baby just as you need a life outside of him and the baby

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