Page 8 | DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

HappyButHangry · 2023-03-28T23:52:48+00:00

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now). At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

Zonder · 29/03/2023 10:35

Oh boy! That's him told!

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 10:35

WifeofEvelynHugo · 29/03/2023 10:32

She is feeling vulnerable, and she has expressed she is hormonal, she has every reason to feel unsettled.

Your opinion is valid, but you could at the very least try to be empathetic in your advice, she doesn't need berating for wanting her husband with her.

Show quote history

It's too hours. TWO. She already lives with her parents which is huge support that most other women do not have. Now the poor fecker has apologised for wanting to go and get something to eat with his friend while his wife stays at home for 2 hours and is supported by both her parents. She can manage when he is in work though...

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 10:37

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:29

Spoke to DH. He apologised and said he genuinely didn't realise I needed him :( he assumed my parents were about and I'd be fine for help. But he understands it's him I need more than anything else.

Well good - I guess. But what do you actually need him for that it’s impossible for him to go out for a couple of hours?

Butchyrestingface · 29/03/2023 10:38

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:29

Spoke to DH. He apologised and said he genuinely didn't realise I needed him :( he assumed my parents were about and I'd be fine for help. But he understands it's him I need more than anything else.

Has he cancelled going out?

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 10:40

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:29

Spoke to DH. He apologised and said he genuinely didn't realise I needed him :( he assumed my parents were about and I'd be fine for help. But he understands it's him I need more than anything else.

This is not the recipe for long term happiness as a family, you know.

Original poster

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:44

He's rescheduling.

I just want DH near me right now. I can't explain it beyond that. I feel a huge sense of comfort when he's home.

OP posts:

bussteward · 29/03/2023 10:46

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 10:37

Well good - I guess. But what do you actually need him for that it’s impossible for him to go out for a couple of hours?

Show quote history

Emotional support, being in new parenthood together, trauma bonding, does it matter? She needs him. She’s not saying “never go out”, she’s saying “two weeks after this traumatising life-changing thing, I’d quite like my husband with me, especially since he’s back at work”. It might be shock, or hormones, or sleep deprivation, or that feeling that her life has turned upside down while his hasn’t - he’s back at work, talking about going out in the evening, where I’m guessing she’s in the “clusterfeed a baby for 100 hours every evening” phase. All that will pass, given time. There’s nothing actually wrong with wanting your husband, the father of the baby, by your side for a bit. You don’t get a medal for not needing him.

ImAGoodPerson · 29/03/2023 10:47

Congratulations OP. I think YABU, its just a few hours.

Original poster

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:48

I have never had a problem with him seeing friends and when he announced he was going out for dinner, something in me felt unhappy that he didn't think to touch base before organising it. It's something we'd usually check in with each other for before the baby. I said it was more that he hadn't discussed before confirming and that he knew it was tricky for me with him back at work so soon.. and so it felt insensitive to me.

OP posts:

ImAGoodPerson · 29/03/2023 10:48

X posted with your last post. The fact you have 2 other adults with you I feel you are being unfair but its nice that he has happily rescheduled.

Cherrysoup · 29/03/2023 10:49

Someone he hasn’t seen for a year? Surely that can wait?

Albiboba · 29/03/2023 10:51

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 10:40

This is not the recipe for long term happiness as a family, you know.

Show quote history

Isn’t it? Two adults having an honest conversation about their feelings and what they need a short period of time after a life changing event? One spouse considering the needs of the other above their own for a short while?
Yeah recipe for disaster 🙄

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 10:52

There’s nothing actually wrong with wanting your husband, the father of the baby, by your side for a bit. You don’t get a medal for not needing him

Do you mean GLUED to your side? The name cannot leave the house for 2 hours while there are 3 other adults there. it's not a whole night, it is not a night on the piss, it is a couple of hours to see a friend while living in his in laws. He is not even allowed that, it's him who needs the medal. Imagine having to cancel that and apologise for even chancing it. That is controlling.

Butchyrestingface · 29/03/2023 10:54

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:48

I have never had a problem with him seeing friends and when he announced he was going out for dinner, something in me felt unhappy that he didn't think to touch base before organising it. It's something we'd usually check in with each other for before the baby. I said it was more that he hadn't discussed before confirming and that he knew it was tricky for me with him back at work so soon.. and so it felt insensitive to me.

That seems a bit different to what you said previously. Now it seems more about you thinking he was insensitive for not running the arrangement past you first.

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 10:54

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:48

I have never had a problem with him seeing friends and when he announced he was going out for dinner, something in me felt unhappy that he didn't think to touch base before organising it. It's something we'd usually check in with each other for before the baby. I said it was more that he hadn't discussed before confirming and that he knew it was tricky for me with him back at work so soon.. and so it felt insensitive to me.

Awwhhhhh so it is punishment for not ASKING beforehand rather than your needing him? Gotya.

Original poster

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:54

Cherrysoup · 29/03/2023 10:49

Someone he hasn’t seen for a year? Surely that can wait?

Also this. He is someone who much prefers staying in and watch TV than meeting people. In fact, he goes as far as saying he doesn't actually have friends, just acquaintances because it's not important to him. It was the friend who reached out but him that organised meeting.

He doesn't speak about his feelings easily and even when he does he struggles to articulate what he's feeling and why.

The fact that he organised the dinner does concern me - for example perhaps he needs the escape or someone who isn't me to talk to. and it's something I'll pick up with him when he's back from work.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 29/03/2023 10:56

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:54

Also this. He is someone who much prefers staying in and watch TV than meeting people. In fact, he goes as far as saying he doesn't actually have friends, just acquaintances because it's not important to him. It was the friend who reached out but him that organised meeting.

He doesn't speak about his feelings easily and even when he does he struggles to articulate what he's feeling and why.

The fact that he organised the dinner does concern me - for example perhaps he needs the escape or someone who isn't me to talk to. and it's something I'll pick up with him when he's back from work.

Show quote history

Maybe as a pp says, he needs a break from your parents, but I can’t imagine a mum happily organising dinner out 2 weeks postpartum.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/03/2023 10:57

@HappyButHangry

its hard living with someone else’s parents op, no matter how nice they are

maybe he needs a break?

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 10:57

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:54

Also this. He is someone who much prefers staying in and watch TV than meeting people. In fact, he goes as far as saying he doesn't actually have friends, just acquaintances because it's not important to him. It was the friend who reached out but him that organised meeting.

He doesn't speak about his feelings easily and even when he does he struggles to articulate what he's feeling and why.

The fact that he organised the dinner does concern me - for example perhaps he needs the escape or someone who isn't me to talk to. and it's something I'll pick up with him when he's back from work.

Show quote history

I'd imagine he needs a few hours away from living in someone else's home/ with his in laws rather than wanting to get away from you. That is a pretty high pressure start to parenthood and definitely not one I would enjoy.

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 10:58

The fact that he organised the dinner does concern me - for example perhaps he needs the escape or someone who isn't me to talk to. and it's something I'll pick up with him when he's back from work

EVERYONE needs someone who isn't their spouse to talk to! This is absolutely nuts!

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/03/2023 11:01

@HappyButHangry

“The fact that he organised the dinner does concern me - for example perhaps he needs the escape or someone who isn't me to talk to. and it's something I'll pick up with him when he's back from work.”

why does that concern you??

of course he needs someone else to talk to other than you!

everyone needs someone else to talk to other than their spouse - that is healthy and normal

Iwannabewherethepeopleare · 29/03/2023 11:02

If you hadn’t just had a baby I’d find this to be really suffocating and definitely unreasonable. I’m on the fence since baby will only be two weeks. It’s concerning that you feel you should be the only one he needs. You’ve not answered anything about people suggesting he needs a break from your parents. It must be quite difficult. It’s one thing staying with your own parents but another with in-laws.

Zonder · 29/03/2023 11:05

Also this. He is someone who much prefers staying in and watch TV than meeting people.
So as pp have said, maybe he wants a break from being in your parents' home.

perhaps he needs the escape or someone who isn't me to talk to. and it's something I'll pick up with him when he's back from work.
Yes perhaps he does. And that's absolutely fine. Lots of dads are still going to the gym or other regular commitments after baby is born.

IndigoLight · 29/03/2023 11:17

TheRookie · 29/03/2023 07:12

What do you need him to do in those few hours? In the same situation, I would have got myself a big drink, a snack, and a blanket, set up on sofa to feed baby and have a few hours of uninterrupted baby cuddles and skin to skin feeding!! A 1 week old is not hard to look after.

I hate this type of advice. maybe that worked for you and you had a very easy baby but that's not everyone. I've had two that were absolutely difficult from the second they were born. There was no lounging around on the couch, catching up on Netflix and sleep 'while the baby slept'. I have a 5m old and I can tell you at 1 week old we were not doing that. I had the exact same with my first as well. Op needs the support of her dh and she might be feeling overwhelmed even though she knows she is being unreasonable.

EnVogue · 29/03/2023 11:23

Op. Not once in your posts have you considered how your husband may be feeling... He is also the parent. Yes. Fully understand the trauma of birth, I had an awful birth with my daughter, but spare a thought for how helpless he may have felt watching and hearing you and powerless to help. Your husband doesn't sound like a selfish man at all.