Page 10 | DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

HappyButHangry · 2023-03-28T23:52:48+00:00

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now). At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 12:13

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 11:49

Wow it's like I'm not speaking the same language. It concerns me means I am WORRIED about my husband. I want to speak to him about how he's feeling. For goodness sake. I have no problem with him speaking to his friend. And yes I can appreciate living with in law's is tricky too - DH and I have already spoken about that aspect too.

Ohh so now you are WORRIED about him because he wants to go and get a bite to eat with his friend for a couple of hours because it is not something he normally does? Probably because he is afraid to bloody well ask ordinarily. It is out of the ordinary for him because he is living with YOUR parents and he is a new father. That is all NEW to him, He is a good, hands on father as you mentioned, he just wants to catch up with his pal for a couple of hours. That is very normal and you have absolutely NO right to make sure he doesn't go and expect an apology for him making arrangement to have dinner with a friend.

You already admitted this is because he DID NOT ASK you beforehand rather than your fear of spending 2 hours alone in a house with 4 adults and a baby like you previously made out.

You sound utterly controlling and I feel sorry for him. Poor chap can't win.

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 12:15

Albiboba · 29/03/2023 10:51

Isn’t it? Two adults having an honest conversation about their feelings and what they need a short period of time after a life changing event? One spouse considering the needs of the other above their own for a short while?
Yeah recipe for disaster 🙄

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No, I meant one person controlling and emotionally manipulating the other, actively preventing them from speaking to or seeing their friends, using emotional blackmail, forcing them to dance attendance on them, that kind of thing.

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 12:20

The fact that he organised the dinner does concern me - for example perhaps he needs the escape or someone who isn't me to talk to. and it's something I'll pick up with him when he's back from work.

you correctly observed that he needs a break and needs to talk to someone other than you for a short time.

and your 'solution' to this is to force him to cancel that break and 'pick up with him' yourself by making him talk to you about it at the end of his working day? When you've literally just said that he needs to talk to someone WHO ISN'T YOU?

wow.

GreenestValley · 29/03/2023 12:21

You’re being totally ott. It’s one evening. And you won’t even be on your own.

frightening levels of codependence.

Original poster

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:22

So...
I think it's normal to ask each other before confirming plans especially with a newborn added to the mix.

No, I wasn't happy with him confirming without asking and I felt it was inconsiderate. You can call me whatever you want, manipulative controlling, whatever. I want my husband around more right now and that's how I feel.

And I'm worried he isn't getting the outlet he needs right now and worried he might be unhappy about the living arrangement too.

I can have all of these feelings all together. I feel like there's some very black and white and polarised opinions on here where you can't possibly be feeling X if you're feeling like Y.

OP posts:

GreenestValley · 29/03/2023 12:24

"I want my husband around more right now" = fine
"I don't want him to even go out for one single evening" = not fine, in my view.

Spiderboy · 29/03/2023 12:24

he should absolutely go. Balance is important and if he isn’t usually social he probably just needs a couple of hours outside of working and being in the house with your parents. If you are choosing to exclusively breastfeed that is great, but I don’t think in this case it would be healthy to say “well I can’t go out for a couple of hours so you can’t either”.

id talk to him separately about how you feel about the birth of your child without raising him going out for a meal. They aren’t related.

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2023 12:25

It’s just a different way to run a relationship; I tell my husband I’m seeing friend on Tuesday for dinner and he says that’s nice - I don’t ask permission first and he says he’s going out with work and I say have fun. Couldn’t be in a relationship where I felt I had to check before making plans. Would feel controlling to me

Original poster

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:25

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 12:20

The fact that he organised the dinner does concern me - for example perhaps he needs the escape or someone who isn't me to talk to. and it's something I'll pick up with him when he's back from work.

you correctly observed that he needs a break and needs to talk to someone other than you for a short time.

and your 'solution' to this is to force him to cancel that break and 'pick up with him' yourself by making him talk to you about it at the end of his working day? When you've literally just said that he needs to talk to someone WHO ISN'T YOU?

wow.

Perhaps you haven't figured out the timelines. I made this thread in the middle of the night. It's now only midday. I think any wife would want to chat to her husband about it. He can of course speak to whatever friend he wants, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to see how he's doing in the meanwhile.

OP posts:

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 12:25

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:22

So...
I think it's normal to ask each other before confirming plans especially with a newborn added to the mix.

No, I wasn't happy with him confirming without asking and I felt it was inconsiderate. You can call me whatever you want, manipulative controlling, whatever. I want my husband around more right now and that's how I feel.

And I'm worried he isn't getting the outlet he needs right now and worried he might be unhappy about the living arrangement too.

I can have all of these feelings all together. I feel like there's some very black and white and polarised opinions on here where you can't possibly be feeling X if you're feeling like Y.

Yes you have two conflicting feelings - wanting him around more (about you) and concern that he needs some space (about him). What you've chosen to do is prioritise your feelings (to have him with you more) by telling him not to take that break and see his friend. I think that's what people are commenting on, rather than saying you can't feel both.

GreenestValley · 29/03/2023 12:25

Also isn't the point about the attitudes that one problem is causing the other.

You can't demand he's around all the time, not even out for one single evening, and then express concern he is feeling suffocated. Clearly your behaviour around the former, is a major contributory factor to the latter.

diddl · 29/03/2023 12:26

No, I wasn't happy with him confirming without asking and I felt it was inconsiderate.

So could you not just have let things stand rather than guilt him into not going & asked him to be more thoughtful in future?

HopefulHeart38 · 29/03/2023 12:27

"Every queen deserves a king who understands when her crown gets heavy" - Yajui Lee

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 12:28

No, I wasn't happy with him confirming without asking and I felt it was inconsiderate. You can call me whatever you want, manipulative controlling, whatever. I want my husband around more right now and that's how I feel

Yet you are worried he isn't getting the outlet he needs.

And I'm worried he isn't getting the outlet he needs right now and worried he might be unhappy about the living arrangement too

Yet you won't let him go for a 2 hour break.

Grow the hell up FFS.

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 12:29

HopefulHeart38 · 29/03/2023 12:27

"Every queen deserves a king who understands when her crown gets heavy" - Yajui Lee

Excuse me while I just mop up the vomit. Her crown is NOT heavy! She has loads of help. She is ANGRY he didn't ask permission!!!

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 12:29

HopefulHeart38 · 29/03/2023 12:27

"Every queen deserves a king who understands when her crown gets heavy" - Yajui Lee

🤮

Original poster

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:31

diddl · 29/03/2023 12:26

No, I wasn't happy with him confirming without asking and I felt it was inconsiderate.

So could you not just have let things stand rather than guilt him into not going & asked him to be more thoughtful in future?

I didn't ask him to cancel. I said next time I'd appreciate it if he could not just announce at dinner that's what was happening in front of my parents. It meant I didn't want to rebut in front of parents because I don't want it to look like I'm unhappy with him about something. We usually run things past each other and check we aren't missing something etc and I felt a bit upset in that moment. DH had no problem rescheduling. He isn't the type of person to be controlled or manipulated.

OP posts:

GreenestValley · 29/03/2023 12:33

I think a lot of us do feel that you are being unreasonable, OP. You're welcome to disagree of course but clearly the lack of autonomy he is getting in the relationship would feel stifling to many.

ilovesooty · 29/03/2023 12:34

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:25

Perhaps you haven't figured out the timelines. I made this thread in the middle of the night. It's now only midday. I think any wife would want to chat to her husband about it. He can of course speak to whatever friend he wants, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to see how he's doing in the meanwhile.

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I don't think he should have to talk about how he's doing if he doesn't want to. I imagine living with his in laws is already quite hard and he seems to be quite a hands on father and trying to be considerate of your feelings.

Skream · 29/03/2023 12:34

HopefulHeart38 · 29/03/2023 12:27

"Every queen deserves a king who understands when her crown gets heavy" - Yajui Lee

how very…netmums

butterfliedtwo · 29/03/2023 12:35

HopefulHeart38 · 29/03/2023 12:27

"Every queen deserves a king who understands when her crown gets heavy" - Yajui Lee

Good lord. She has all the help. Her crown (vom) isn't heavy.

The man wants to see a friend not travel the world on his own.

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 12:35

It meant I didn't want to rebut in front of parents because I don't want it to look like I'm unhappy with him about something

Why not? You’re allowed to be unhappy. You didn’t want to look unreasonable in front of them is more like it.

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 12:36

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:31

I didn't ask him to cancel. I said next time I'd appreciate it if he could not just announce at dinner that's what was happening in front of my parents. It meant I didn't want to rebut in front of parents because I don't want it to look like I'm unhappy with him about something. We usually run things past each other and check we aren't missing something etc and I felt a bit upset in that moment. DH had no problem rescheduling. He isn't the type of person to be controlled or manipulated.

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He isn't the type of person to be controlled or manipulated

But he just has been. He rescheduled a much needed 2 hour break with his friend because YOU were not happy that he let you know at the dinner table he was going.
YOU would have preferred if he asked your permission like a schoolboy asking to go to his friends house to play conkers. So who wins here? Him? No, he has been reprimanded for not asking, he has had to cancel his dinner and now he has to come home and face you interrogating him as to why he felt the need to go in the first place.
You are controlling. I feel desperately sorry for him.

Norriscolesbag · 29/03/2023 12:38

Unless you are poorly/ injured from the birth of have others to look after that are very demanding then I’m not seeing the issue here? I was out socializing individually two weeks after my baby was born as was her dad.

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 12:38

@Nottodayicant, lay off. There’s no need to rant at her.