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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People assuming new fathers are a bit useless

354 replies

AlmostaMamma · 27/03/2023 23:27

Has anyone else noticed this?

I’m currently extremely pregnant and the comments from friends/family/acquaintances/colleagues regarding having a newborn have been fascinating.

“You’ll want to batch cook, as you won’t be able to cook anything for the first few weeks.”

“Make sure you stock up on XYZ, as you won’t be feeling up to doing any laundry.”

“You won’t be feeling up to any housework, but you’ll be too tired to notice the mess.”

Also lots of stuff about having to deal with everything for the newborn by myself.

I have a husband. He’s a competent adult (I wouldn’t have married him otherwise) who is capable of household chores and generally does more of them than I do. This will not change post birth. And, apart from me being the one who breastfeeds, we’re going to be splitting infant care pretty evenly.

It’s 2023, so presumably this isn’t a massively unusual state of affairs. So why do people say this nonsense? It was mildly amusing to begin with, but it’s starting to make me tetchy.

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 27/03/2023 23:36

In terms of chores, I agree. My DH did all the shopping, cooking, laundry etc when DS was a newborn. There is no reason not to expect a decent level of support running the house.

However, you will likely find that you are the primary caregiver to the baby in the very early days. As the baby grew inside you and as you're wanting to breastfeed, the baby will naturally want to mum more than dad. It doesn't mean that dad can't look after their baby while you shower or for short periods. It gets easier and balances out as the baby gets older in my experience.

MrsDoylesDoily · 27/03/2023 23:40

YANBU, this really used to get up mine and my husband's noses.

Add to that the fact we have 3 (adult) DS and the look of amazement when people find out they do an equal share of housework, and have done since they were about 12, and it's even more irritating.

Original poster
AlmostaMamma · 27/03/2023 23:42

Curseofthenation · 27/03/2023 23:36

In terms of chores, I agree. My DH did all the shopping, cooking, laundry etc when DS was a newborn. There is no reason not to expect a decent level of support running the house.

However, you will likely find that you are the primary caregiver to the baby in the very early days. As the baby grew inside you and as you're wanting to breastfeed, the baby will naturally want to mum more than dad. It doesn't mean that dad can't look after their baby while you shower or for short periods. It gets easier and balances out as the baby gets older in my experience.

That’s what we figured. This is our first, so we’ll be learning the ropes (and there will be lots of surprises, I’m sure!), but we’re planning things much as you describe.

OP posts:
NotJohnWick · 27/03/2023 23:42

Tbh, with DH going back to work after less than 2 weeks and taking his share of night time nappy changes etc, both of us were pretty fucking wiped out for a while after DC1 came along. Housework and cooking did suffer.

Bernadinetta · 27/03/2023 23:43

How much paternity leave does your DH get?

Original poster
AlmostaMamma · 27/03/2023 23:45

MrsDoylesDoily · 27/03/2023 23:40

YANBU, this really used to get up mine and my husband's noses.

Add to that the fact we have 3 (adult) DS and the look of amazement when people find out they do an equal share of housework, and have done since they were about 12, and it's even more irritating.

EXACTLY THIS! You raised your DS to be functional respectful adults and that’s apparently…surprising to some people?

OP posts:
somethingslastforever · 27/03/2023 23:48

NotJohnWick · 27/03/2023 23:42

Tbh, with DH going back to work after less than 2 weeks and taking his share of night time nappy changes etc, both of us were pretty fucking wiped out for a while after DC1 came along. Housework and cooking did suffer.

Same here. I don't think it's fair to expect a father to work all day, do his fair share of parenting and be the only person to cook/clean/do washing. It's no more unreasonable than expecting a woman to do it all.

Original poster
AlmostaMamma · 27/03/2023 23:49

NotJohnWick · 27/03/2023 23:42

Tbh, with DH going back to work after less than 2 weeks and taking his share of night time nappy changes etc, both of us were pretty fucking wiped out for a while after DC1 came along. Housework and cooking did suffer.

That, I get. And if people were saying that, it would make sense. However, it’s more a ‘if you’re not doing it, it obviously won’t get done’ vibe.

It’s the sort of thing that I’d normally find hilarious, but I’m currently an easily aggrieved bloated whale.

OP posts:
DojaPhat · 27/03/2023 23:51

It's okay to just smile and nod. Countless women were just as baffled as you seem to be about those comments. Many of those women are now singing a different tune. Again, it's okay to just smile and nod.

Original poster
AlmostaMamma · 27/03/2023 23:52

Bernadinetta · 27/03/2023 23:43

How much paternity leave does your DH get?

Twelve weeks.

OP posts:
surrenderdorothy · 27/03/2023 23:53

I’m currently extremely pregnant and the comments from friends/family/acquaintances/colleagues regarding having a newborn have been fascinating.

You'd almost think they have more life experience than you.

Original poster
AlmostaMamma · 27/03/2023 23:55

somethingslastforever · 27/03/2023 23:48

Same here. I don't think it's fair to expect a father to work all day, do his fair share of parenting and be the only person to cook/clean/do washing. It's no more unreasonable than expecting a woman to do it all.

Show quote history

We’re both going to be on leave for the first three months, which is apparently the most intense period? So, evenly yoked, as it were. This is the period that they’re talking about.

When he goes back to work, we’ll work out a childcare/domestic labour split that we find equitable. It’s honestly never been an issue for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlmostaMamma · 27/03/2023 23:56

surrenderdorothy · 27/03/2023 23:53

I’m currently extremely pregnant and the comments from friends/family/acquaintances/colleagues regarding having a newborn have been fascinating.

You'd almost think they have more life experience than you.

Or that they married different men, have lower expectations of men in general, and are projecting?

OP posts:
BasicDad · 27/03/2023 23:58

Being out and about with a baby on your own without mum either involves women (not all, but enough) approaching to make sure you're OK, or fawning over you like looking after a baby is a super human feat for a man. Most mean well despite it being unintentionally patronising, so I laughed it off.

This was 11 years ago, but I'd guess not much has changed.

surrenderdorothy · 28/03/2023 00:01

AlmostaMamma · 27/03/2023 23:56

Or that they married different men, have lower expectations of men in general, and are projecting?

Show quote history

Well, they aren't saying these things about you and your husband specifically, as they don't know how he is; they are making generalisations based on their lived experience and that of those they know. I think you are the one projecting:

It’s 2023, so presumably this isn’t a massively unusual state of affairs.

Read any one of a thousand threads on here to find it is.

2023a · 28/03/2023 00:03

If MN teaches us anything, it’s that a lot of women have and tolerate shitty partners and unequal relationships. So, they assume everyone else also has a shitty partner and an unequal relationship.

Facing up to the fact that this isn’t the case would cause their worlds to implode.

Merryoldgoat · 28/03/2023 00:04

My husband is a completely functioning partner and parent and we were floored by the amount of work it was just keeping the baby happy.

All of that is sound advice as far as I’m concerned.

CuteCillian · 28/03/2023 00:06

I think you are absolutely correct. I am astounded at how little some mothers expect from fathers in regard to parenting and life admin in the first few years on MN. It is no surprise that things don't change as DC get older.

Original poster
AlmostaMamma · 28/03/2023 00:08

surrenderdorothy · 28/03/2023 00:01

Well, they aren't saying these things about you and your husband specifically, as they don't know how he is; they are making generalisations based on their lived experience and that of those they know. I think you are the one projecting:

It’s 2023, so presumably this isn’t a massively unusual state of affairs.

Read any one of a thousand threads on here to find it is.

Show quote history

My friends and family do know how my husband is. I haven’t been hiding him in a cupboard.

And posts on MN do not represent a snapshot of relationships in general. Posts about relationships are generally from people who have something to complain about. Nobody posts ‘my life is great, my husband is a star and I’m very happy’ as it wouldn’t be very interesting. Doesn’t mean there aren’t lots of happy balanced relationships out there.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlmostaMamma · 28/03/2023 00:09

BasicDad · 27/03/2023 23:58

Being out and about with a baby on your own without mum either involves women (not all, but enough) approaching to make sure you're OK, or fawning over you like looking after a baby is a super human feat for a man. Most mean well despite it being unintentionally patronising, so I laughed it off.

This was 11 years ago, but I'd guess not much has changed.

I can only imagine.

OP posts:
surrenderdorothy · 28/03/2023 00:09

You seem really steamed up over nothing. Enjoy.

Poppins2016 · 28/03/2023 00:13

Essentially, you're 100% right to have that attitude and those expectations.

However. Do keep an open mind as to just how much either of you might/might not feel able to do. You can have the best laid plans in the world, but all babies are different.

My first child was very clingy, wouldn't be put down, I couldn't do much housework during the day, etc. I didn't want DH to cook or do housework when he got home, I just wanted him to take the baby and give me a break while I was awake so that I could regain my sanity... and while I was awake and regaining my sanity, I certainly didn't want to be doing housework (although cooking without having a baby attached to me in a sling sometimes felt like a treat)!
Caveat: don't despair upon reading this, most babies are not like this to the extent that mine was and we were truly the exceptions to the rule amongst everyone I've met to date.

My second baby, on the other hand, would have been the perfect baby for the situation you describe... he'd happily settle for anyone and would be put down easily (if he had been born first, there would have been less of a gap between our children)!

Expecting you to deal with everything for the newborn yourself is a pretty outdated attitude, however... even with my first 'high needs' baby, DH changed nappies, did bathtime, took him for contact naps...

Original poster
AlmostaMamma · 28/03/2023 00:13

CuteCillian · 28/03/2023 00:06

I think you are absolutely correct. I am astounded at how little some mothers expect from fathers in regard to parenting and life admin in the first few years on MN. It is no surprise that things don't change as DC get older.

It’s all the knowing ‘you’ll see’ comments, as well. Like, I didn’t just meet this man. We’ve lived together for several years and I’m not expecting him to suddenly pull his weight because we’ve had a baby. We’re having a baby because he pulls his weight.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlmostaMamma · 28/03/2023 00:18

Poppins2016 · 28/03/2023 00:13

Essentially, you're 100% right to have that attitude and those expectations.

However. Do keep an open mind as to just how much either of you might/might not feel able to do. You can have the best laid plans in the world, but all babies are different.

My first child was very clingy, wouldn't be put down, I couldn't do much housework during the day, etc. I didn't want DH to cook or do housework when he got home, I just wanted him to take the baby and give me a break while I was awake so that I could regain my sanity... and while I was awake and regaining my sanity, I certainly didn't want to be doing housework (although cooking without having a baby attached to me in a sling sometimes felt like a treat)!
Caveat: don't despair upon reading this, most babies are not like this to the extent that mine was and we were truly the exceptions to the rule amongst everyone I've met to date.

My second baby, on the other hand, would have been the perfect baby for the situation you describe... he'd happily settle for anyone and would be put down easily (if he had been born first, there would have been less of a gap between our children)!

Expecting you to deal with everything for the newborn yourself is a pretty outdated attitude, however... even with my first 'high needs' baby, DH changed nappies, did bathtime, took him for contact naps...

I think these are all very fair points, so thank you. I know that we’re going to be sucker punched by this and all our carefully laid plans might come to naught. 😂 But, fingers very much crossed.

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 28/03/2023 00:19

I think the fact that he gets 12 weeks paternity makes a massive difference here as well. Most men are back at work full time after 2 weeks, some of that 2 weeks was likely spent in the labour and maternity wards as well. So chances are that housework, home cooked meals etc ARE going to suffer in those households mainly because both adults are over stretched and over tired.