People assuming new fathers are a bit useless

[AlmostaMamma]

Has anyone else noticed this?

I’m currently extremely pregnant and the comments from friends/family/acquaintances/colleagues regarding having a newborn have been fascinating.

“You’ll want to batch cook, as you won’t be able to cook anything for the first few weeks.”

“Make sure you stock up on XYZ, as you won’t be feeling up to doing any laundry.”

“You won’t be feeling up to any housework, but you’ll be too tired to notice the mess.”

Also lots of stuff about having to deal with everything for the newborn by myself.

I have a husband. He’s a competent adult (I wouldn’t have married him otherwise) who is capable of household chores and generally does more of them than I do. This will not change post birth. And, apart from me being the one who breastfeeds, we’re going to be splitting infant care pretty evenly.

It’s 2023, so presumably this isn’t a massively unusual state of affairs. So why do people say this nonsense? It was mildly amusing to begin with, but it’s starting to make me tetchy.

My husband is a batch cooking whizz, and cleans (more than me). He's a bit crap in lots of ways (as I'm sure I am too) but household tasks are not beyond him. I agree

Unfortunately for many women they haven’t got a decent partner who can look after them, while mum looks after baby. There are still huge gaps in childcare, and household chores between men and women.

Do you think taking it off together is something that most couples want or try to do, though? There seems to be the acceptance and indeed expectation that men will only take two weeks off. Even on this thread.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, but what does it have to do with the post? Saying both parents will be exhausted and should prepare for it (great advice) is entirely different from assuming the man can’t cook or do laundry, so the woman should prepare accordingly.

I agree OP.

My DH is hands on with housework, I don't have to ask him to chuck his work stuff on a wash, hoover, wipe toilet down, spray shower door etc etc because he just does it if he notices it needs doing/I haven't got round to doing it.

I'm 31 weeks pregnant and have similar things said to me. My DH cooks a few nights a week too as he enjoys it. He's been more hands on than ever since I've been pregnant due to hyperemesis and some days I can't get out of bed due to nausea let alone lug the hoover round.

He is half of a household, he lives here too. On my good days (not feeling so sick) of course I do this, more often than not his clothes are washed and dry before he has a chance to do them, his lunch is made for the following day etc but if it's not, he does it.

It makes such a difference to life and your relationship when you're equals and in a team. My Grandmother thought it was most strange that DH did my laundry sometimes, or changed our bed. She couldn't get her head around it lol.

I'm so glad I don't have to worry about this when baby is born, I can't imagine wondering how on earth I'm going to hoover after vaginal birth or a c section when I've got a dog who's hair gets everywhere, or if I'm going to live in dirty clothes for a couple months if I haven't got the energy to wash, dry and fold laundry.

And to answer PP's, I know that what I'm expecting to be hard will actually be 1000x harder than we can imagine when we are sleep deprived, in the trenches of feeding, nappies, settling a crying baby but it makes me feel calmer knowing I have a team mate who will be there with me through it.

The bar is so low for some women.

This is really unfair.

I don't think OP has implied she thinks it'll be a walk in the park when her partner goes back to work.

It's funny how nobody mentions all the lovely things about having a baby, it's all so negative.

Saying both parents will be exhausted and should prepare for it (great advice) is entirely different from assuming the man can’t cook or do laundry, so the woman should prepare accordingly.

Honestly, this on repeat to all the people saying it’s good advice. We are preparing for most eventualities (we’re people who like a plan), while being cognisant of the fact that we can’t plan for everything.

Advice to batch cook or stock up on stuff is great advice and very welcome. It’s the ‘as he obviously won’t be able to do XYZ’ and ‘can he do laundry properly’ that has accompanied said advice that’s irritating.

Exactly this. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope everything goes fabulously for us both. 💗

IME we were both exhausted and burnt out from caring for the baby so we were both lacking in energy to cook, clean etc.

It wasn't because I was expected to do all that stuff and I couldn't because I was looking after the baby. Even with 2 adults and 1 baby it was a lot. DH took 5 months off with DC2 and 4 months with DC3 (DC1 had a different dad, he took 1 week).

@2023a The advice the OP received was like this:

“You’ll want to batch cook, as you won’t be able to cook anything for the first few weeks.”

“Make sure you stock up on XYZ, as you won’t be feeling up to doing any laundry.”

I can and do read this as 'you' plural and it was absolutely correct in our situation. You (new mum and dad) might not be in a state to cook or do laundry with a newborn. Neither of us were!

I will however completely agree that un-asked for, well-meaning advice is annoying and people should cut it out.

But I think the advice could be taken, not as meaning 'men are crap' but more 'babies are all-encompassing'. I would still say to the OP, feel free to tell people to lay off the advice as you're finding it unhelpful.

I'm currently pregnant, and my husband is entirely supportive, proactively does a fair share of tasks already.

But we still also rely on batch cooking, tactical laundry plans and a cleaner. Maybe we're both a bit crap as opposed to it being confined to one gender. But we're not assuming that we'll get any better when there's a tiny screaming human in the house.

We are absolutely planning to stuff the freezer with batch cooking, prep as much laundry, and make life as simple as possible.

My advice OP, is never listen to anyone. (Including me probably lol). I didn't. I just did everything my way, followed my instincts and it all turned out fine.

I am actually divorced now, many years later, but not because my ex was any different after kids but for very different reasons.
It sounds like you've actually had a number of conversations with your DH, which many of us (me included) don't/didn't.

The men who are back at work after 2 weeks only because they've chosen not to take the shared parental leave that they're entitled to.

My DH would have absolutely loved to take more than 2 weeks leave. But financially it wasn't possible. I got full pay for 6 months, then SMP. And he is the higher earner, so it wouldn't have made sense for us to lose that salary.

Why don't you sit back stop listening to utter rubbish or reading it and enjoy your own experience soon to be a mum and dad. Nobody's experience is the same.we have 4 under 2 and everything has been done evenly not that I'm that bothered but it's nice to have your other half help out even after work never needs asked. So enjoy your time and make your own new memories

They can now, that was t always the case and us relatively recent. Many people commenting may not have had that choice and may not know it's now available.

The laundry query included ‘does he know how’. It was clarified in the comments. To me, that suggests a far more ‘men are crap’ than ‘babies are all encompassing’ slant to the conversation.

Just because a man can put a wash load on or whip up a fresh batch of chilli con carne, doesn't necessarily make him a good dad.

Bring a good or equal partner and a good or equal parent are not the same thing.

There's an air of superiority about your post tbh. All these silly women who have set the bar so low, and here you are, before you actually have the child, having it all figured out! Amazing. What about women who enjoy doing the majority of domesticated tasks? Are they stupid because they don't crack the whip as soon as their partners are home from work? It's not all black and white OP.

Maybe just wait and see how things are. Parenting is great but it's also relentlessly hard and changes you.

Hope it all goes as well as you've planned, OP.

That isn't what she's saying at all. She isn't judging how other people run their lives, she's cross because she's getting unsolicited 'advice' based on their partners and their lives. That advice doesn't take into account the relationship she has with her partner at all. It may not work out how she's hoping, but then it might. Being subject to shed loads of unsubstantiated opinions , especially from people who know them is ridiculous.

It does. Mine went back to work the day he collected us from hospital.

Just because a man can put a wash load on or whip up a fresh batch of chilli con carne, doesn't necessarily make him a good dad.
Bring a good or equal partner and a good or equal parent are not the same thing.

This has nothing to do with my post. DH and I have exactly as much experience of being parents as each other. We hope we’ll be good ones, but time will tell

Amazing. What about women who enjoy doing the majority of domesticated tasks? Are they stupid because they don't crack the whip as soon as their partners are home from work? It's not all black and white OP.

What about them? I haven’t suggested that anyone ‘crack the whip’ or rearrange their sharing of domestic labour in any way. I’ve explicitly stated that’s none of my business.

Maybe just wait and see how things are. Parenting is great but it's also relentlessly hard and changes you.

We plan on enjoying it, but thank you.

We plan on enjoying it, but thank you.

In all seriousness OP, the enjoyable moments are wonderful, but (especially in the first year) a lot of it is thankless drudgery, there is literally nothing enjoyable about an inconsolable baby or sleep deprivation.

Definitely not - no DIL yet!! DS (22) has a long term girlfriend who is lovely but not living together yet.
Glad to read you have a great MIL, Almost a mama. Mine did a great job training both of her DS to be hands on dads. Both DH and BIL can be untidy but when DC were young they were both great at pulling their weight.

@LuckyDonna and @LadyJ2023 Excellent advice. Thank you. 😊

This is very true.