People assuming new fathers are a bit useless

[AlmostaMamma]

Has anyone else noticed this?

I’m currently extremely pregnant and the comments from friends/family/acquaintances/colleagues regarding having a newborn have been fascinating.

“You’ll want to batch cook, as you won’t be able to cook anything for the first few weeks.”

“Make sure you stock up on XYZ, as you won’t be feeling up to doing any laundry.”

“You won’t be feeling up to any housework, but you’ll be too tired to notice the mess.”

Also lots of stuff about having to deal with everything for the newborn by myself.

I have a husband. He’s a competent adult (I wouldn’t have married him otherwise) who is capable of household chores and generally does more of them than I do. This will not change post birth. And, apart from me being the one who breastfeeds, we’re going to be splitting infant care pretty evenly.

It’s 2023, so presumably this isn’t a massively unusual state of affairs. So why do people say this nonsense? It was mildly amusing to begin with, but it’s starting to make me tetchy.

It just has a massive impact on your life, and so prepare and make it as easy as you can while you have time.

Our child didn't feed well, and so we were both up every 3 hours through the night for several months after he was born. That meant we were both knackered, so having the freezer full of healthy meals meant we didn't need to worry about cooking for a couple of weeks.

It's not about husband's being shit, just about preparing for neither of you getting much sleep, the emotional impact of having a small child, and so not stressing the stuff that doesn't matter so much.

I would say my dh is very similar to yours in that respect- he does a lot around the house and the cooking etc. I take the lead on the childcare as a result. What I would say is that we did all the batch cooking etc and then didn't use it until his paternity leave finished at which point I was still very much recovering from a section and focused on baby and he was helping with night nappies and winding and when he got home from work he wanted to spend time with us enjoying those first few weeks so the supply in the freezer came in handy then. So I don't think it's bad to feel organised before so you can both actually enjoy it and make things a bit easier on you both while you're getting to know baby.

What does absolutely take me to the fair though is when people tell him how great he is for taking baby out in the pram or the carrier. I'm still waiting on anyone acknowledging me for doing the same thing on the daily! I also found it strange that all the parenting groups I go to include babies and the dads parenting groups are for the dads only and they can't bring the babies.

"Easily aggrieved bloated whale" 😂I remember that feeling!

I think you're spot on OP and the snarky comments you're getting are coming across a bit spiteful.

Echoing others though, it can be bloody rough in the early days. How less than 8lbs of a human can create so much chaos, it blew my mind.

What really helped us was just taking half an hour each night, taking a room or tasks each, and blitzing through what we could. Took it from "we've just been ransacked" to "mildly slovenly" and that was plenty.

Great pointers, thank you.

What does absolutely take me to the fair though

I’ve never heard this expression before and I love it! 😂

the dads parenting groups are for the dads only and they can't bring the babies

I was not aware that was a thing!

Aiming for ‘mildly slovenly’ seems sensible. We’re big fans of achievable goals! 😂

Obviously that’s going to be very different from most people’s experience. Did you friends who made these comments also get 12 weeks paternity leave? Or did they get the norm of >2 weeks?

Just wait and see how it goes. You don’t know how you’ll feel until you’re doing it, everyone is different and getting back to regular classes/activities sooner/quickly or longer/not going back doesn’t make anyone a better or worse parent/mother/father.

PS I realised I mixed up a couple of details of your OP with another similar one who was asking about why a night class teacher assumed her DH would be back after baby was born but she wouldn’t be, that’s why I put the bit about getting back to classes/activities.

But seriously though, just see how it goes, you really don’t know til you’re doing it. Good luck and congratulations on your baby 🥰

Why is it some FTM’s are adamant that no one else (who has already gone through it) can possibly give any insight into what they are about to experience?

They are just trying to give you some tips based on their own experience to help make your life a bit easier.

It’s nothing to do with men being shit, you’re projecting.
Big deal your husband does shit around the house, the reality is most of them do. My DH did all the cleaning and cooking for weeks, having a newborn is still hard.

I think your DH having 12 weeks paternity leave will make a real difference. Mine only ever had 2 weeks off and was then back to being out of the house 7am-7pm no option to wfh. So yes I was trying to cook dinners do housework with a baby in the sling and a toddler around my ankles etc. Thats not saying he didn't help at weekends etc but during the week when he wasn't home until 7pm yep I was doing everything. When we had our 3rd he still only got 2 week's paternity leave but he was home by 6 instead of 7 and wfh Fridays so this made a big difference to us! Would have been lovely to have him home to help with everything for 12 weeks!

I don’t know having DD felt like being bashed over the head with a brick. Having food in the freezer meant that life was a bit easier for us. Obviously DH was sharing care of DD but we were both knackered. Other than food chores were split. Getting as much stuff done before a new baby is born is just sensible imo, more sleep.

if It’s possible their comments mean a collective “you” then completely reasonable. I was lucky to have a helpful and hands on DH who Is domesticated. But did any housework or cooking get done? No. We were both exhausted with our high needs newborn. We lived off Cook ready meals for weeks as that was all we could manage!! (I’d recommend them by the way.).

It is good to batch cook because breastfeeding can make you starving hungry beyond anything you’ve ever known. “I need food now” type of thing.
We survived on freezer food and takeaways for a while as we were both knackered.

I think some of them are using the pronoun ‘you’ in the plural. As in neither you nor your husband will want to cook etc

also don’t underestimate the PP hormones making you feel all sorts of crazy shit.

The men who are back at work after 2 weeks only because they've chosen not to take the shared parental leave that they're entitled to.

Fathers don't have to go back to work so quickly, they choose to. Any new father can take the same 12 weeks that the OPs DH is taking.

Yes let’s blame women for being horrible, rather than considering that maybe, just maybe, men have given themselves this reputation…

Because they don’t value a woman’s experience, especially an older woman.

If your partner is anything like mine, he’ll also be helping with the night get-ups and will also be exhausted. You’ll probably also find you want to spend as much time together as a family as possible, and the less housework you have to do the better. Plus many partners have to go back to work after two weeks. So I don’t think it’s necessarily a sexist thing in this case. Just that new babies are disruptive and a lot of work to add to a household, so why wouldn’t you want to decrease the load of other stuff where you can?

Definitely 50/50 here, and would definitely give all of that advice to first time parents, just meaning "you plural won't want to cook".

12 weeks paternity does change things but if your husband is pulling his weight, as he should, and you don't get lucky with an easily placated baby then he will need easy short cuts like getting some Bolognese out of the freezer too.

The advice is well meaning and helpful. Listen to it.

They can but shared Pat leave reduces the mothers Mat leave entitlement. My DH took an extra one month of shared Pat leave, but it means I now am only entitled to 11 months off instead of 12 months. A couple only gets 12 months between them. I’m regretting giving my DH the one month already.

Only if the mother cuts her leave by three months though.

And even using SPL, the newborn days might not be the best time - DH took his when I went back to work which was brilliant. He could look after baby solo (i.e. breastfeeding was first and last thing only) and I could settle back at work without worrying about nursery.

I think it’s becoming more and more dated. I know a lot of new dads and they’re very conscious of their responsibilities. The slacker dad who doesn’t know what he’s doing and doesn’t care is deeply uncool to under 40s.

Regardless you are both going to be floored, the house probably will be messy and things build up because even with two parents pulling there weight a baby is very hard work. People mean well and I bet your attitude will very quickly change once baby is here.

Agreed. Mine was great - over 20 years ago. Sorted out most of the chores in the first couple of weeks. Was able to do his paternity leave in half days after the first 2 or 3 days so stretched it out longer. Cracked on with chores in the morning and sorted lunch - then was out from 1 till 6, then pulled his weight in the evening. I will expect the same from my DSs if they become dads, and if they don’t, I’ll be on their case immediately.

@EssexMamisoa @JenniferBarkley

Well quite, it's shared parental leave and the mothers are still taking the majority and rightly so as they'd still get 9 months, if the father had 3 months PL.

It seems like a lot of women see all the parental leave as entirely theirs to take but surely it would be easier to have equal parenthood if it became the norm for fathers to spend an extended period being the main carer of the baby and were also likely to take a significant chunk of time out of the workplace when they become parents?

I only took nine months myself, so I'm not speaking personally here, but it's disingenuous to pretend parenting is equal for the first year. The impact of birth, recovery, breastfeeding mean Parent A and Parent B is very natural until past six months at least.

I think the answer is extended use it or use it leave for fathers (or non birth mothers), that can be used until the baby is 18 months.

Reducing maternity leave isn't the answer, which is the ultimate consequence under the current system.