Are your children your life?

[Earlymorningbirdschirping]

Are they your reason for living/everything you do basically?
I was never massively maternal, although loved kids, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids for a long time, then suffered infertility and finally had my Dd at the age of 40.
I’d lived a lot and travelled a lot and worked a lot in a rewarding job (teacher)
I often need my space and reminisce about the freedom years, but I feel like Dd (now 4) really is what I live for, everything I do is for her and every decision I make. Is this a healthy/normal point of view? It’s sometimes v overwhelming and v intense

What are your interests? What did you enjoy doing before you had your children?

I really don't know which sounds awful. I had my eldest when I was 26...i left uni at 21...was pregnant at 25. In-between that time, I worked in a boring job I hated, occasionally went to the gym, went on nights out and shopped. Now my entire day seems to focus on them. Obviously they're at school but during the day I just do housework and shopping and cooking. Evenings I drive them to activities, make dinner etc. Weekends I am busy taking ds to football. I go months without seeing my friends due to distance. DH said he'd pay for me to join the gym again but I feel very guilty spending money when I don't work...he is lovely and very generous,...but I do feel bad. Honestly most days I feel like a robot who does housework rather than a human being.

Nothing unhealthy about it, in my opinion. My children are in their 30's but they are still "my world". I have other things going on ( including DH) but my children are still front and centre in my life . To me it's natural - they came from my body, I brought them up , they have been part of my life all these years. And they always will be.

There's a huge difference between something or a child being a big part of your life and the only thing in your life. If you can't work out the difference well... perhaps that's the issue.

Unhealthy not to have your own life outside of motherhood. Kids grow up what will you do then? Teens don't want to be with their mums.

No they aren't.

I would have hated being my parents reason for living too. I think it comes with a rediculous pressure that will only lead to guilt and bad feelings as they grow and gain independence from the family unit.

No I don’t think it’s healthy and it’s a bit of a long term recipe for resentment.

Of course I prioritise my kids and will rearrange my life if I can. But I also work, have time consuming hobbies and exercise- basically because I want to. My kids would prefer me at home and I daresay their homework would improve! But it’s important for me to be independent and fulfilled. Would I drop these if any of my kids was ill, yes of course I would. But day to day I don’t make every choice with them in mind.

OP what are you going to do when your DC reaches adolescence, becomes monosyllabic, makes choices you don’t understand and finds you intensely annoying? Or if this doesn’t happen ( 🤞 ) goes to university or leaves home? What will you do with the next part of your life?

Not my whole life but a huge part of it. They're adults, one has a child. We meet very regularly, go out and on holiday together and get on amazingly well but I also have a brilliant relationship with DH we have many shared hobbies, spend tons of time together and we're on holiday a lot. We/I have loads of friends as well and a very busy social life which our dc aren't really part of. It's not too much or not too little, I feel it's healthy and happy for everyone.

Yes. But I wish they weren't. They have needs and one can't do before/afterschool. She needs 1:1 vigilance and won't sleep alone. It's exhausting. My work, my friendships are minimised to fit round her. I have no chance at a normal relationship.
I love her to bits, I'm not getting off this path but I look at some of the other paths people are on with a degree of envy

@Comedycook Given you do all the housework and parenting, your DH can pay for you to go to the gym, if that's what you enjoy. Other suggestions depending on where you live:
volunteering
free courses online through Coursera etc
crafts
walking groups, local history groups, any group

A lot of empty nester women will be where you are and looking to make friends.

Have you explored why you feel guilty spending family money? Your job is raising your family and taking care of the home. Your DH's job is to bring the income in. You are entitled to spend some of that money on your own interests and yourself.
It sounds like you are in a big rut.
Have you made friends through school or your DC's activities?

Absolutely they are and so they should be - not for everyone but it works for me and DH.
We had our children when I was 39 and 42 (DH the year older). I had done so much I wanted to do, travelled the word, education, lots of wild parties and socialising. I was absolutely ready for these 2 little people to be the absolute centre of my world.
I still have my career, have studied for a second degree, see friends for nice meals out but me and DH have largely gave up the majority of our free time and all our hobbies and weekends and holidays are family time. They're not little for long.

Mary that's understandable when DC are young so long as you still have friends, hobbies and interests to return to when your DC leave home. I am mid 60s and, sadly, know many parents who seem utterly bereft when their DC have left home and they are nor 'needed' so much. Some of them are overbearingly enmeshed in their DC's lives ... not in a healthy way, and can't seem to cope with their change in lifestyle. I remember sitting with a friend who was literally sobbing when her youngest left home, she actually said something like 'being a mum has been my whole life up to now ... I don't know what do do'.

This thread reminds me of the scene in Motherland where Amanda is saying (to Julia) she couldn’t work because she just loves her children too much. Then Anne quickly says “I’d die for my kids,” and Julia hesitates and says ‘Yeah I’d die for my kids….I mean if I had to…”

Yes. If I lost them both, I would struggle to see the point of continuing my life.

I think you need to clarify a bit more
Do you mean that you will not do a single thing if its not about the kids? let the kids have thier own way all the time and never think about yourself or your husband? unhealthy
or do you mean that when you make decisions you consider the impact on your child and do a mix of child centric things with the odd evening out with friends for yourself? Healthy

As mums particularly we do put our children first - i expect a lot of us went part time so we could be there for our kids etc. I expect a lot of you answering that everything revolves around your kids probably have small children? if so then yes it does feel like you only exist to serve your kids but once they get to teens you have a bit more freedom to up hours at work, go to the shops by yourself or go out for a couple of drinks etc.

I do wonder, occasionally, what would happen to me if DD's life ended prematurely. I'm not sure that I could go on....

This is what I said and I think is part of the issue with this thread is people interpreting it different ways. I think it would be very unhealthy to revolve everyday life around your child and have no hobbies or interests outside them, but when I agree that they are ‘my life/my world’ I mean they are the most important thing and I couldn’t go on if anything happened to them. All those hobbies and interests would mean nothing to me - if my kids disappeared tomorrow I wouldn’t be thinking well at least I still have book club! And realistically I think most normal people would feel that way. The minutiae of my life does not revolve entirely round my kids but they’re certainly the most important thing.

People do carry on after the worst has happened. They always have done.

Erm… okay? What on earth is that supposed to mean?

Yeah the kids disappeared Tuesday. Yeah, it’s no big though because I have spin class Thursday and I’m picking up the new car at the weekend so it’s not like my life is over haha.

I kind of feel that might be me..

The thing is, looking after them is what I've enjoyed the most, just being their mum. And whilst I'll always be their mum, they can look after themselves now. They are grown up men who are just great people. I'm proud of them. I want them to thrive and enjoy life away from me. And i know I'll enjoy my life. But....I'll always miss them and know looking after them was the best job I've ever done. And enjoyed the most.
And i miss it.

God this is a massive leap and quite morbid. I think a lot of us would feel like this. It must be so tragic but OP didn't mean this.

I think OP is asking if you have a life outside of motherhood, you know a little something for yourself in your life or not.

I dont know anyone who doesn't have a life outside motherhood, bar mums of very young kids with no help. That's totally understandable.
But i know a few women with busy lives and great jobs who frankly don't want their kids to have a life away from them.
Its not all sad mums who stayed at home like this at all...

Mine would

A child bore is the 'worst of people?'

Bit melodramatic that, worse than murderers? Narcissists? Paedophiles? People traffickers?

To me a child bore is often someone who has lost themselves a bit in motherhood or who is a bit stuck for a topic to discuss with someone new and they both have similar aged kids so that becomes the topic, or they are in the thick of raising small children, or recent empty nesters, or recently retired.

People talk about all kinds of shit I'm not interested in, whether that's their interest in computer games, competitive sports or their teenagers dance recitals none of them are 'the worst of people's

When it comes to the crunch, women are the designated shock absorbers in society. All the boring, thankless and mundane shit.