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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are your children your life?

223 replies

Earlymorningbirdschirping · 27/03/2023 21:44

Are they your reason for living/everything you do basically?
I was never massively maternal, although loved kids, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids for a long time, then suffered infertility and finally had my Dd at the age of 40.
I’d lived a lot and travelled a lot and worked a lot in a rewarding job (teacher)
I often need my space and reminisce about the freedom years, but I feel like Dd (now 4) really is what I live for, everything I do is for her and every decision I make. Is this a healthy/normal point of view? It’s sometimes v overwhelming and v intense

OP posts:
Dita73 · 27/03/2023 22:36

Yes. 100%. I’ve had terrible depression for over 26 years and I have no doubt that if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here. They’re my everything

4EyesandBigThighs · 27/03/2023 22:37

Yes and no.

I haven’t become some sort of child worshipping slave to my children. But I love them so much.

Everyone decision I make they go through my head; what affect will it have on them, is it good, is it bad?

I’m constantly seeking ways to make them happy, to surprise them, show them I love them.

Seasidemumma77 · 27/03/2023 22:37

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 27/03/2023 22:09

No, I agree with @MysweetAudrina I wouldn’t put that on them.

they are an enormous part of my world, I adore every fibre of them, but no. Not every decision I make is based around them, and their wishes.

This 100%

sitdownstandup6 · 27/03/2023 22:38

Yes absolutely my daughter is my world and I love her more than anything. However I also really need space and time for my needs too. I need time to myself including regular exercise and time with my husband. I also feel that's it's important to model good self care.

Ragwort · 27/03/2023 22:39

No ... agree with others that it is a huge burden to expect your DC to 'fulfil' your life ... it's just not fair on the DC. Surely you can understand that from the many, many threads on here about demanding mothers and MILs?

Of course I love my DS and want the best for him but I am not a martyr... he needs to know that my own life is important.

Olinguita · 27/03/2023 22:40

Yes and no .
Providing a stable and loving home for beloved DS (18 months) is front and centre in my life and everything I do and every decision I make is made with that end goal in mind. For example, what kind of paid work I do outside the home and how much of myself I put into it. Whether I stay put and work at my frankly not very happy marriage or think about leaving.
But I'm not just a Mum. I have a career, ambitions (I want to write a novel one day), friendships and other family relationships (daughter, sister) that form a huge part of my identity too.
Life is full and I play a lot of roles day to day, and do what I need to do as a working mum.
Even if I did have the luxury of making my son the centre of my universe and not really focusing on anything else, I'm not sure that would healthy. I actually think I would be doing him a huge disservice. Too much emotional weight for little shoulders to bear.

coldmarchmorn · 27/03/2023 22:40

Lulu2171 · 27/03/2023 22:34

Yes, yes,YES. And I wouldn't have it any other way. A demanding job, lots of friends etc. But you get fabulous perspective and realise that honestly none of it matters apart from DC. I will never do anything as important or wonderful as having them and I'm head over heels delighted.

That's not a fabulous perspective at all, and its not shared by most parents. Nothing except the children matters? Not your partner, not your family, not your job or your friends or yourself?
That's not motherhood, that's martyrdom.

CrotchetyCrocheting · 27/03/2023 22:42

No. Like others said they are my priority, I drop things for them when they need me etc but to say they are my reason for living etc wouldn't be accurate. I adore them and just last week I had to drop everything and go full on protective mother, don't mess with my daughter mode but there is a healthy balance there between my needs and their needs. When shit goes down like last week I'm there and I'll fight you to the death but I have a life too outside of them.

NeverMindTryAgain · 27/03/2023 22:42

Yes and no.

I binned a decade of hard work and all the extra qualifications I'd worked for to leave a high pressure long hours job and swapped to nights so that DH could take them to and I could pick them up from school every day.

I gave up my identity in the form of my career but I still have an excellent sense of self, I work and I do more for myself every year as they get bigger but I have zero regrets about making my life fit around their needs while they're tiny.

ghostyslovesheets · 27/03/2023 22:42

yes and no!

Yes in that I make decisions based on all of our needs (working PT, being single for 14 years) and they bring me so much joy

No in that they are not my whole life or all of the joy - which is good because one is now 200 miles away at Uni, one is off to uni in Sept and one is 14 and ignores me a lot! I also invested time in my careers and my friends - it would be sad to think, once they are gone I would turn into one of those mums who can't let go. There is a lot of enjoyment in watching them fly!

Angelonthewall · 27/03/2023 22:42

I love my kids - support them through everything - but dh is my life, I hope I die before he does as I don’t want the pain, I’d only stay alive for the kids - over dramatic sure, I know.

RightWhereINeedToBe · 27/03/2023 22:43

No, they're not.

I don't know how I feel about saying that really! But I honestly look back at the woman I was when they were small and see that I was submerged. I had no idea who I was, I sort of sat in stasis.

Now they're older I can feel myself turning back into a person with wants and needs and passions, and most of those things are absolutely nothing to do with my children.

Tigp · 27/03/2023 22:44

This can change as you get older though. My mum would have said yes to this but she stayed in a very loveless marriage so as not to break up the family and became so very bitter and twisted as she aged. Visiting became a chore and she could be absolutely vile at times in her last 10 years. I’m not sure what changed. Perhaps a life of regret at having sacrificed her own happiness for the love of her children.

crew2022 · 27/03/2023 22:44

@ghostyslovesheets completely agree.
A lot of pressure once kids become young adults if they are your whole life. I want mine to carve out their own identity and not worry about me.

Whoevenknows79 · 27/03/2023 22:44

WordtoYoMumma · 27/03/2023 21:54

Nope. I have lots of brilliant things in my life. My kids are amazing but they are not my whole world. I'm a mum but I'm also a wife, a friend, a foodie, a collector of shoes, a volunteer, a hard worker, a lover of prosecco... I could go in but you get my point 😁

I love my life and my kids are a huge part of it but not everything. My world is bigger than that.

This!

Soproudoflionesses · 27/03/2023 22:45

MysweetAudrina · 27/03/2023 21:50

Fuck no. I wouldn't put that on them. Big part of my life but my life is mine and I am living it for me and not anyone else.

This. Of course l adore her but what happens when she leaves home if l have revolved my whole life around her?

FamilyBusiness · 27/03/2023 22:45

Yeah definitely. Before my two children, I was just breezing through life with no purpose. Wasting time on things that didn’t fulfil me whatsoever. There was just no light in my life. As cliche as that sounds.

Then I had my son first & he gave me reason to start living. The world seemed happier. I had a purpose. Then my second came five years later. My daughter & that was the cherry on top for me. Life is complete.

Being a mum to them is hard work but I do genuinely love it & know I was meant to be their mum. I still enjoy my own time & hobbies & they have their little hobbies, but spending time with them is my favourite thing in the world.

CrotchetyCrocheting · 27/03/2023 22:46

RightWhereINeedToBe · 27/03/2023 22:43

No, they're not.

I don't know how I feel about saying that really! But I honestly look back at the woman I was when they were small and see that I was submerged. I had no idea who I was, I sort of sat in stasis.

Now they're older I can feel myself turning back into a person with wants and needs and passions, and most of those things are absolutely nothing to do with my children.

Yeah I do wonder if there is a difference between how those of us with teens/older children answer this and those with young children. Things are very different for me now than they were when they were very dependent toddlers for example and I think that change is really natural.

Beaglesonlyplease · 27/03/2023 22:48

Yes. But not by choice.
My DD is severely disabled.
She is absolutely incredibly amazing and I adore her.
If, and she probably will, dies before me, I will end my life.
But that’s my choice.
I don’t have other things I love - hobbies/friends etc are great but without her .. nothing

SummerSazz · 27/03/2023 22:48

coldmarchmorn · 27/03/2023 22:32

Jesus no! I have several, and I love, adore and cherish them. They are my first priority and I would literally die for them if necessary.

But they aren't my life. I have much more in my life than just my children. Not everything I do is for them, by a long shot. Personally, I don't think that would be healthy and I think I'm a better mother for having a full life.

Absolutely this!

Cornishclio · 27/03/2023 22:49

I don't think it is particularly healthy to base your whole life around your children. That is a lot of pressure and would leave you bereft as they get more independent. I love mine dearly and my grandchildren but I wouldn't say they are my whole life but certainly they are one of my main priorities along with my husband. I have had a career (now retired) hobbies, interests, extended family and friends too plus my DDs dog Smile

BansheeofInisherin · 27/03/2023 22:49

CrotchetyCrocheting · 27/03/2023 22:46

Yeah I do wonder if there is a difference between how those of us with teens/older children answer this and those with young children. Things are very different for me now than they were when they were very dependent toddlers for example and I think that change is really natural.

Show quote history

Yes, I have another thread about how I am now in peri-menopause, and really can't be arsed to do anything for DC any more. I think it is a natural reduction of the caring hormones. Otherwise we would end up going to uni halls with them!

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 27/03/2023 22:49

Lulu2171 · 27/03/2023 22:34

Yes, yes,YES. And I wouldn't have it any other way. A demanding job, lots of friends etc. But you get fabulous perspective and realise that honestly none of it matters apart from DC. I will never do anything as important or wonderful as having them and I'm head over heels delighted.

“None of it matters apart from
DC”
I could not disagree more. For me, my friends, my family, mr career matter a whole
lot.

Hoolihan · 27/03/2023 22:50

No. I'll do everything I can, always, to help them be safe and happy, but I've got a lot of hopes, plans and ambitions that don't involve them at all. I'm approaching 50 and they are teens, so I feel like that all-consuming motherhood phase is at an end now.

ghostyslovesheets · 27/03/2023 22:51

crew2022 · 27/03/2023 22:44

@ghostyslovesheets completely agree.
A lot of pressure once kids become young adults if they are your whole life. I want mine to carve out their own identity and not worry about me.

exactly - so much pressure - mine made their own choices (despite mum being a careers adviser - why listen to her!) and I learned very quickly to back off and let them go - I always made sure I cultivated my friendships and career so I wouldn't feel lost when they buggered off!