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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are your children your life?

223 replies

Earlymorningbirdschirping · 27/03/2023 21:44

Are they your reason for living/everything you do basically?
I was never massively maternal, although loved kids, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids for a long time, then suffered infertility and finally had my Dd at the age of 40.
I’d lived a lot and travelled a lot and worked a lot in a rewarding job (teacher)
I often need my space and reminisce about the freedom years, but I feel like Dd (now 4) really is what I live for, everything I do is for her and every decision I make. Is this a healthy/normal point of view? It’s sometimes v overwhelming and v intense

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 28/03/2023 09:18

Macaroni46 · 28/03/2023 00:13

Went on a date once with a guy who kept saying his daughter was his world. Quite honestly, it gave me the ick!

That's so funny! I was asking myself if a man would ever say this, and I could only imagine a man saying it as a 'chat up line' to a new woman on a date to try to show he was oh-such-a-nice bloke in order to get a leg over! And here we go!
I can understand it giving you the ick! 😂😂

BansheeofInisherin · 28/03/2023 09:22

I'm in the peripherally of their busy young lives whilst they remain the centre of mine.

So well expressed. This is how it is, and sometimes I do miss the old days when I was the centre of their lives too. Other times I am just glad I can go to bed early with a book, and have a bath uninterrupted.

BraveGoldie · 28/03/2023 09:27

BansheeofInisherin · 28/03/2023 09:22

I'm in the peripherally of their busy young lives whilst they remain the centre of mine.

So well expressed. This is how it is, and sometimes I do miss the old days when I was the centre of their lives too. Other times I am just glad I can go to bed early with a book, and have a bath uninterrupted.

I'm a bit the opposite. I have these secret lives my DD knows nothing about - mad sex escapades while she's at her dad's, and I've even written and published a book under another name, which she knows nothing about....

some day after I've died and she stumbles on my diaries, she's going to be "oh my God! She was doing a lot more than cooking me spaghetti!"

BreviloquentBastard · 28/03/2023 09:33

No, I honestly wouldn't want to put that on her. Keeping my identity and not just becoming "mum" has been an important part of my parenting journey. I had her very young so really felt like I lost myself to her existence in the early years. I'd never want to lumber her with the pressure of being my reason for living.

I love my husband just as much and have a great family and friend group who all mean the world to me, hobbies, interests and a job I absolutely adore, all of which are important parts of my life alongside her.

Biology makes me willing to tackle a wildebeest for her if necessary, knowledge of what it's like to grow up with the "you are my entire world and my life would be meaningless without you" mother makes me control the impulse to stick her firmly in the centre of my universe.

BansheeofInisherin · 28/03/2023 09:38

BraveGoldie · 28/03/2023 09:27

I'm a bit the opposite. I have these secret lives my DD knows nothing about - mad sex escapades while she's at her dad's, and I've even written and published a book under another name, which she knows nothing about....

some day after I've died and she stumbles on my diaries, she's going to be "oh my God! She was doing a lot more than cooking me spaghetti!"

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How fabulous! But do tell her before you die. She may not be shocked.

Smogtopia · 28/03/2023 09:39

Yes and no - all of my big decisions are focussed on them. If I didn't have children and wasn't going to have children - then DH and I would be living dramatically different lives. I'd be happy maybe in the centre of a city in an apartment and I'd be much more willing to take risks in my career as we would cope with much less income or long term savings. I'd be very much in the moment if children were not going to be in my life. A lot of what DH and I do comes down to being financially secure near good schools and having experiences that enrich our children's lives.
I feel like I have a life though that I'm happy with - it's just got a child centric focus. On a macro level yes it's all about them. But day to day choices are balanced and prioritised according to us all so we as parents don't lose out

PurplePineapple1 · 28/03/2023 09:44

TheaBrandt · 28/03/2023 06:39

Just don’t become child bores - those women that talk about nothing but their kids. So so dull. A friend of my mothers is still like it though her “child” is 48!

Ugh I work with a couple of these women and they are utter bores. They have nothing to talk about bar their full grown children and how good these 40 year old men were as children.

It's a bit weird to read these slightly creepy posts.

Antiquiteas · 28/03/2023 09:49

Bree82 · 28/03/2023 07:47

Omg I’m exactly the same 😂
often as soon as LO is put to bed, DH will end up laughing at me because I’m already looking through photos lol

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😬

Comii9 · 28/03/2023 09:52

No. Although DS is my no1 priority. I was X before becoming a mother and that is who I am first and foremost.

coldmarchmorn · 28/03/2023 09:54

Forgooodnesssakenow · 28/03/2023 06:58

I'm going to assume you're childless?

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That would be a rather stupid assumption, wouldn't it?

None of us like the child bores, no matter how many children we might have. Maybe they like each other? They can drone on and on about their kids all day long at each other.

Bree82 · 28/03/2023 09:55

Antiquiteas · 28/03/2023 09:49

😬

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I know I know lol.

LO will start nursery at one which think this will be good for both of us. Kind of in an bubble lol

Itsbytheby · 28/03/2023 09:57

Well no.

They are the most important thing in my life, and if choices had to be made I would choose them of course, but my life is much more than my kids - it's my job, myself, my relationship, my interests, my family, my friends, etc. I think otherwise it can be a bit unhealthy, espeically when children get to an age where they want to have their own lives.

Comedycook · 28/03/2023 09:57

Well I'll admit that I don't have much of a life beyond my dc. They're both in secondary school now but for various reasons I'm a sahm. I have friends but rarely see them as many have moved away over the years...we are in London so a lot of my friends were prices out. I see them a few times a year max. I don't really have any hobbies. We also don't have a great deal of family support so I've never had much of a break.

I'm not really sure how to change this.

TheOrigRights · 28/03/2023 10:00

Comedycook · 28/03/2023 09:57

Well I'll admit that I don't have much of a life beyond my dc. They're both in secondary school now but for various reasons I'm a sahm. I have friends but rarely see them as many have moved away over the years...we are in London so a lot of my friends were prices out. I see them a few times a year max. I don't really have any hobbies. We also don't have a great deal of family support so I've never had much of a break.

I'm not really sure how to change this.

What are your interests? What did you enjoy doing before you had your children?

BansheeofInisherin · 28/03/2023 10:00

Comedycook · 28/03/2023 09:57

Well I'll admit that I don't have much of a life beyond my dc. They're both in secondary school now but for various reasons I'm a sahm. I have friends but rarely see them as many have moved away over the years...we are in London so a lot of my friends were prices out. I see them a few times a year max. I don't really have any hobbies. We also don't have a great deal of family support so I've never had much of a break.

I'm not really sure how to change this.

I have moved several countries and have no family in the UK as I am an immigrant. I also WFH so don't meet many people.

However, I have made a life by joining book clubs, volunteering, Meetups, and really working super hard at making friends and cultivating hobbies.I also travel solo and with DH whenever I can.

Scalottia · 28/03/2023 10:02

MissJam · 27/03/2023 21:50

My little boy is, I absolutely adore him. Every waking moment is spent thinking about him or looking at him. If I go out on the occasional evening I talk about him, look at pictures of him… my friends must be so bored 😂

Trust me - they are bored.

To the PP that have said yes, their children are their life - what do you think it will be like when they grow up and move on to their own lives? How will you cope with that?

Scalottia · 28/03/2023 10:04

BeatriceFranklin · 27/03/2023 22:15

I don’t see anyone trying to attach mum guilt. What I see is a question being answered on a public forum.

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I agree. I think some posters might be projecting a little here.

ssd · 28/03/2023 10:08

Scalottia · 28/03/2023 10:02

Trust me - they are bored.

To the PP that have said yes, their children are their life - what do you think it will be like when they grow up and move on to their own lives? How will you cope with that?

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We cope fine. No need to be so patronising.

wherethewaterisdarker · 28/03/2023 10:13

They are not my whole life - it is important to me I have an identity beyond being their mother - but they are my centre of gravity, my greatest love.

FrenchandSaunders · 28/03/2023 10:15

I adore my twin DDs (now early 20s), but have always made time for things that don't involve them.

Made a big effort to keep up friendships and meet for dinner/drinks/coffee, even when in the thick of twin nappies/teething etc. And also made an effort not to go on and on about them as that's very boring for other people.

Always made an effort to go out with DH and away for a couple of days a year (we were very lucky having his parents nearby though who were willing to have them, which I appreciate not everyone has).

Went back to work when they were nearly 1, part time, which was a sanity saver. Really enjoyed my days off with them, but equally enjoyed adult conversation in an office, and the commute with a book/paper/music.

So now they've flown (or almost flown) the nest, I'm not sitting here bereft wondering what the next stage is bringing. We're very close, in contact a lot with the one who doesn't live here, but it's not suffocating or all consuming. That's not fair on our DCs.

I have a friend who followed her DS to his uni town, sold her house and moved about 10 min away from him 🙄, madness, poor sod.

queenofthewild · 28/03/2023 10:15

As a person I am more than just a mother.

But if anything happened to DS it would break me.

Scalottia · 28/03/2023 10:17

Not intended to patronising, sorry. I asked a question on a public forum. As for the projecting comment, I stand by that - some PP here are definitely projecting. Nothing wrong with it, just an observation.

I am glad that my parents didn't make me 'their life.' They loved us, prioritised us, etc, but they had their own, full life with hobbies and friends. I am glad that I was raised with parents like mine, rather than some of these PP.

Trollsinmyeggbox · 28/03/2023 10:18

No, that's a lot of weight and responsibility for her to carry.

Oopsadaisysgranny · 28/03/2023 10:25

Totally !! Began having children in my mid 20’s and yes they are my world . I now have a grandaughter as well and I can’t get enough of her . My family are my everything

Itstillgoeson · 28/03/2023 10:29

Yes. I had a big career, lots of travel, living abroad. After a horror health scare, absolutely, to the point I do worry about keeping the situation healthy.