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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are your children your life?

223 replies

Earlymorningbirdschirping · 27/03/2023 21:44

Are they your reason for living/everything you do basically?
I was never massively maternal, although loved kids, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids for a long time, then suffered infertility and finally had my Dd at the age of 40.
I’d lived a lot and travelled a lot and worked a lot in a rewarding job (teacher)
I often need my space and reminisce about the freedom years, but I feel like Dd (now 4) really is what I live for, everything I do is for her and every decision I make. Is this a healthy/normal point of view? It’s sometimes v overwhelming and v intense

OP posts:
Bree82 · 28/03/2023 07:47

MissJam · 27/03/2023 21:50

My little boy is, I absolutely adore him. Every waking moment is spent thinking about him or looking at him. If I go out on the occasional evening I talk about him, look at pictures of him… my friends must be so bored 😂

Omg I’m exactly the same 😂
often as soon as LO is put to bed, DH will end up laughing at me because I’m already looking through photos lol

Beezknees · 28/03/2023 07:49

Forgooodnesssakenow · 28/03/2023 06:58

I'm going to assume you're childless?

Show quote history

I have a child and I agree with them, it's insanely dull when all people talk about is their children.

WildAloofRebel · 28/03/2023 07:52

I think at age 4 that’s ok. But in the coming years you need to cultivate a life outside of her otherwise you will be bereft and a verrrrrry suffocating/overinvested/annoying mother to an adult daughter.

Now my older 2 are 7&5 I have started lots of interests and my social life is picking up :)

SallyWD · 28/03/2023 07:58

To say they're my life makes it sound like I have nothing else, which isn't true. They're definitely the most important thing in my life and give my life real purpose and meaning. I think and worry about them more than anything else. Most of my time and energy goes in to them.

DeoForty · 28/03/2023 08:07

I don't know really. They are the centre of my world because they are kids and their ages and stages kind of dictate that that's the case.

PurpleParrotfish · 28/03/2023 08:08

No, definitely not. I do recognise the point someone made above that it’s about how you interpret the sentiment, but I wouldn’t say my children were my entire life even when they were little toddlers. It’s hard enough keeping a sense of perspective as it is, I didn’t want my whole identity and self-worth to be bound up in getting them to fall asleep at a reasonable time (difficult) or whether I could get DS1 not to be a mega fussy eater (impossible). Other things (work, hobbies, relationships) gave me self-esteem and balance.

I hope I’m always there for them when they need me, I try and be a good enough parent and revel in the fun stuff, the cuddles and their crazy sense of humour. But they already have their own lives at school that have nothing to do with me and that’s how it should be.

owiz · 28/03/2023 08:11

No, I don't understand this mentality and don't think it's particularly healthy for children to be put on a pedestal in that way.

I love my children immensely, they make my life more enjoyable, I agree with the notion that you can only be as happy as your unhappiest child BUT they are not my entire life. My relationship, my career, my interests, as well as parenthood, all make up what I am.

owiz · 28/03/2023 08:11

And as a daughter of someone who very much puts me at the centre of her universe, can I just say it's a huge pressure to live with.

WalkAwaySugarbear · 28/03/2023 08:14

No. My DDs are amazing. I think they are bright, witty, well rounded girls and I love them very much but they are not my world.

whyhere · 28/03/2023 08:20

I'm not sure what 'are my world' means, really.

I have one daughter and would sum up my feelings in the words Michelle Obama used about her girls: "I'm as happy as my least happy child." In other words, if there is anything wrong in DD's life, I am very much affected by it. If she is sad, I am sad. If she is unwell, I'm anxious until she has recovered. (We live separately as she is an adult.) However, I've always been very careful to ensure that she doesn't know just how much my wellbeing revolves around hers, as this could be quite pressurising, I think. It's not possible to explain the extent of maternal love to someone who isn't, themselves, a parent.

Still puzzling, though, about the 'my world' thing. I have an extremely demanding, more-than-full-time role, with huge responsibilities. I'm also fortunate to have half a dozen really good friends (I live alone) with whom I'm in regular contact, and a house full of animals. So my world is pretty full.

I do wonder, occasionally, what would happen to me if DD's life ended prematurely. I'm not sure that I could go on....

TiddlySquats · 28/03/2023 08:21

No. They're a part of my life, but there are many other things in life to experience.
For most people child rearing only takes up 20 years or less.

whyhere · 28/03/2023 08:21

And just realised that the actually quote is "your life", not "your world" - sorry OP! But I think my points stand.

GotABeatForYouMama · 28/03/2023 08:41

No. IMO if your DC become "your life", then there is a danger of stifling them and holding them back. I often wonder how parents whose world revolves solely around their DC cope when the DC leave home, move away etc.

HarlanPepper · 28/03/2023 08:48

owiz · 28/03/2023 08:11

And as a daughter of someone who very much puts me at the centre of her universe, can I just say it's a huge pressure to live with.

I was also thinking about this from the perspective of the child - I can say that I wasn't the centre of either of my parents' worlds - for sure, they made sacrifices for me and my brother, and had it not been for us their lives would have been very different I'm sure, but I don't feel like they lived for us. Nonetheless I did and do feel loved.

TheaBrandt · 28/03/2023 08:52

My parents had loads going on and still do We were valued and loved but they very much had their own lives. Definitely following that model.

Love that Tina fey clip on teen girls “it’s like having an office crush - you are thinking about them way more than they are thinking about you!”

Trying2bemum · 28/03/2023 08:54

PortmeirionTiles · 27/03/2023 21:55

Yes and no. They are the centre of my world and are never far from my thoughts. I really put myself out for them in a lot of ways, and in ways my parents never would have done for me. But I am still ME, being a mother is just one aspect of who I am and it’s not my personality. As they get older I’m getting more and more of my ‘independence’ back, and while of course that’s bittersweet, I’m making the most of it!

This is how I’d like to be. My children are 3 years old and 3 months old so we are in the early days where every single moment is dominated by them. So grateful for them both after years of infertility, IVF and surgery for endometriosis. But I do hope to retain some sense of me and who I am / was before them. And I know that one day they’ll grow up and move out and I want to avoid being left a shell of a person with nothing in my life bar my kids!

TheaBrandt · 28/03/2023 08:57

Obviously when they are tiny it’s all consuming but my 16 and 14 year olds would be horrified if I was mooning after them wailing that they were “my life”. I am kindly taking dd2 and her friends to a festival and am already hearing plans to give me the slip ..

BansheeofInisherin · 28/03/2023 08:59

Both my sister and I live in a different country from our mother. A good thing we are not her life.

Toloveandtowork · 28/03/2023 08:59

Codependency is kind of normalised on here, and society polices mothers so much that it is expected that you declare your children are your world - then you are a 'good' mum. Kiss your own self goodbye.

It's not a good thing to lose your own identity, to become a mum bot. Terrible for mental heath. Stifling for the children, especially as they get older, and they might not become independent adults.

ssd · 28/03/2023 09:03

Of course. I'd worry more if it wasn't.
But don't tell them. They are young adults, moving away, having lives i don't know so much about. I'm in the peripherally of their busy young lives whilst they remain the centre of mine.
As it should be

BraveGoldie · 28/03/2023 09:07

No.... when they are young, they are a big part of things- but even then, they weren't everything. I'd say once they are at school, you should most definitely aim for other rich parts of your life that have nothing to do with your DD.

For your own sake but actually also for hers. I think it's great for them (especially only children) to understand that there are other things and people in their mum's life - to see their mum being a fully rounded person with her own passions, interests, career and/or relationships - rather than purely serving/ living through her.

When DD is grown up, it makes the transition easier for you back to being 'unneeded' and just having occasional phone calls or visits.

A parent who is solely focussed on you can be a very pressuring thing. Ultimately, it's your job to show them how to be a fully rounded human being.... hard to do if they are 'everything/your universe'.

Of course if DC have needs that make them highly dependent, then caring can be an all-consuming job long term.... and huge respect for mums who take on that role.... but otherwise, I'd say it's healthier for you and the child to have other things in their universe.

Brighteyedtriangle · 28/03/2023 09:11

I would die for my child and she means the world to me but I have a life outside of her. Weekends away, nights out, friends that dont have kids so their world doesnt have to revolve around mine.

Id be worried that once the teenage years hit you may be abit lost and quite sad without having a life of your own

PortmeirionTiles · 28/03/2023 09:12

TheaBrandt · 28/03/2023 08:57

Obviously when they are tiny it’s all consuming but my 16 and 14 year olds would be horrified if I was mooning after them wailing that they were “my life”. I am kindly taking dd2 and her friends to a festival and am already hearing plans to give me the slip ..

Haha that’s gratitude for you!

But yes what we’re missing in these answers is the age(s) of our children. When they’re tiny they really are your life, not least because their rhythms dictate whether you’re going to get enough sleep or not!

Mine are now heading towards the teenage years and become more independent. My life still revolves around them to a large extent, but in a completely different way and I frequently push back against their ‘wants’ to ensure that my own needs are met and even, at times, to put my ‘wants’ before theirs. I always put their needs first, but now they need to be aware that I’m also a person in my own right, not just good old Mum. I’ll always be there, but I’m not a doormat.

secretllama · 28/03/2023 09:12

No.

When i had my kids I did finally understand what people mean when they say they would literally die for their kids, it's true. I would walk into a burning building for them etc.

However I have a life outside of them. I was determined to not lose myself and think I've been pretty successful at the balance. I have a friend who literally only talks about her child, either in WhatsApp or in person. Tbh we're growing apart as I just can't listen to it anymore.

avocadotofu · 28/03/2023 09:14

Yes.