Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are your children your life?

223 replies

Earlymorningbirdschirping · 27/03/2023 21:44

Are they your reason for living/everything you do basically?
I was never massively maternal, although loved kids, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids for a long time, then suffered infertility and finally had my Dd at the age of 40.
I’d lived a lot and travelled a lot and worked a lot in a rewarding job (teacher)
I often need my space and reminisce about the freedom years, but I feel like Dd (now 4) really is what I live for, everything I do is for her and every decision I make. Is this a healthy/normal point of view? It’s sometimes v overwhelming and v intense

OP posts:
LuckyPeonies · 27/03/2023 22:51

No, most definitely not.

FatGirlSwim · 27/03/2023 22:51

Yes. But i don’t think they will be my whole life when they’re grown up and independent. I wouldn’t want to be my mum’s whole life, that’s a lot of pressure!

Livelovebehappy · 27/03/2023 22:52

They were when younger pre teens. I guess because they depend on you so much for everything. Slightly lesser once they were teens as you hardly see them, and they prefer spending time with friends than parents. Then when they hit adulthood, me and DH have stepped back and are now doing things for us - holidays, gigs, city breaks. We will always be there for them, but we are no longer as invested in their lives, which I think is healthy.

FlyingPandas · 27/03/2023 22:53

I adore my DC and am hugely proud of them and yes, I suppose the decisions I make are always based around them first and foremost.

But they are not 'my only reason for living' and I don't think it would be healthy - for me or for them - if they were.

I think it's good for children to know that they are loved and important and respected, but also that parents have other commitments and responsibilities and interests too. I don't think it does anyone any good to believe that they are the absolute centre of someone's universe or to feel the pressure of a parent's life 'revolving around them'. How many posts do we see on here from adult DC feeling pressured by their parents who have made their children their 'everything' and the DC feel miserable and stifled as a result?

As with all things there has to be a healthy balance.

ghostyslovesheets · 27/03/2023 22:54

Yeah I do wonder if there is a difference between how those of us with teens/older children answer this and those with young children. Things are very different for me now than they were when they were very dependent toddlers for example and I think that change is really natural

Yes - mine are 20,18 and 14 and it's very different - in a lot of ways they need you more but it's different and you all need your freedom

ILiveInSalemsLot · 27/03/2023 22:54

Yes and no here. I do prioritise their needs and make decisions based around that but our wants are all prioritised. In fact, my 'wants' are probably prioritised above everyone else's seeing as I'm the one who mostly organises everything.
But everything is better with my dc. I love sharing my life with them and juggling things so they have a life full of wonder, fun and adventure.

Fansandblankets · 27/03/2023 22:55

I love them and life wouldn’t be worth living without them. I guess everything we do work wise is with their futures in mind BUT there is more to my life than my kids definitely.

scoobydoo1971 · 27/03/2023 22:56

I have a life limiting condition causing daily pain and disability. It is one of 19 medical conditions I suffer. I am in extraordinary pain and fatigue each and every day, and night. No pain relief touches the sides, and no doctor can comprehend how I keep going with such systemic and comprehensive medical challenges. Coupled with a difficult work schedule which I impose on myself to remain sane it is never a good day. There are days when I contemplate accelerating the inevitable process of dying. This would be via a one way trip to Belgium. I believe the only thing preventing me from doing so is my children, and our pets. If it was just about me, I would be making arrangements to end my life, but I feel an overwhelming defiance to medical judgement, and a need to keep going until they reach adulthood. Therefore, I assume that means my children are my life, as I can find no other reason to keep going. It fuels my determination to outlive any medical prognosis.

LocalHobo · 27/03/2023 22:58

No. I think they could have been, but I had to fight against that happening. If they were, I would have been a shit wife, daughter, employer, friend etc. as well as probably not doing my duty in ensuring my DC developed resilience.

BillyDeanisnotmylover · 27/03/2023 23:00

My kids are at the absolute top of my priority list……but I have lots of other stuff going on that I care about too.

Partyandbullshit · 27/03/2023 23:01

I don’t think “I couldn’t live without them”. But I would wither, shrivel without them, I think. When they’re adults, totally self-sufficient (my aim in raising them), and I’m a nice-to-have rather than a need, I might feel differently. I hope I live that long.

Oopswediditagain2023 · 27/03/2023 23:03

PortmeirionTiles · 27/03/2023 21:55

Yes and no. They are the centre of my world and are never far from my thoughts. I really put myself out for them in a lot of ways, and in ways my parents never would have done for me. But I am still ME, being a mother is just one aspect of who I am and it’s not my personality. As they get older I’m getting more and more of my ‘independence’ back, and while of course that’s bittersweet, I’m making the most of it!

Exactly this. Everything I do is for my kids to certain extents, but i also have stuff for just me too.

TheaBrandt · 27/03/2023 23:04

No and I find some of the posts here quite frankly disturbing. I would have hated it if my mother had proclaimed I was “her life” stifling creepy and enmeshed spring to mind. I don’t think it’s great for children to grow up thinking the world revolves around them.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 27/03/2023 23:04

My dd is 17yo now and she has a few additional needs which has meant I've had extra caring responsibilities. I'm a single parent and dd has been pretty much at the centre of everything I've done for the last 17 years.

That said I've still gone on holidays with my friends (dds stayed at her grandparents) and if I wanted a night out then I worked out a way of making it happen.

I definitely feel like I lost something of myself at times but one day dd will go off and find her way and I can find myself again!

JimnJoyce · 27/03/2023 23:07

i never ever thought id have DC. Then in my 40's I did, 3 years later we divorced and since then

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 27/03/2023 23:09

No. I wouldn’t put that on them and I wouldn’t have so little self respect as to have absolutely nothing else going for me. I have a very active social life and do plenty that doesn’t involve them. They are great kids and thrive all the more for knowing in a human with needs and my own life, not just a mum/maid/driver/cook etc.

JimnJoyce · 27/03/2023 23:10

Somehow posted too soon! Since then and due to many things my life is completely child focused. It's never how I imagined my life would be though.

Wittow · 27/03/2023 23:11

Absolutely not. She's an entitled little shit.

Macaroni46 · 27/03/2023 23:12

TheaBrandt · 27/03/2023 23:04

No and I find some of the posts here quite frankly disturbing. I would have hated it if my mother had proclaimed I was “her life” stifling creepy and enmeshed spring to mind. I don’t think it’s great for children to grow up thinking the world revolves around them.

Totally agree. My DP's ex-partner is like this about their DC. The result is that as a young adult the DC had now distanced themself from her as they find being the focus of such undivided attention totally suffocating.

Bbq1 · 27/03/2023 23:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

StarDolphins · 27/03/2023 23:15

My world revolves around my dog..then my DD🤣

My DD is the absolute centre of my world, I’ve had my life, I massively partied etc & now my job is to put her first. I go out with my friends etc but I don’t have hobbies (never have). When she leaves home, I plan to have a nice home & garden & read books. Then find a nice companion that has his own house!

I don’t want her to be suffocated though so as much as the above is true, she won’t know it.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/03/2023 23:16

No. I think it’s far too much pressure to put on anyone. They are my first priority. But not my only one no.

BansheeofInisherin · 27/03/2023 23:16

TheaBrandt · 27/03/2023 23:04

No and I find some of the posts here quite frankly disturbing. I would have hated it if my mother had proclaimed I was “her life” stifling creepy and enmeshed spring to mind. I don’t think it’s great for children to grow up thinking the world revolves around them.

Oh this intense adoration wears out when they become teenagers:) And if it doesn't, no faster way of driving off a teen than saying "You are my life!"😁

I think OP is quite natural to feel this way because her DD is young. It will pass like it does for most of us when the DC grow up and want nothing to do with us!

Train007 · 27/03/2023 23:20

Yes they are the centre of my life and they are all adults now.Having said that I do have loads of friends,interests and do a lot that doesn’t involve them but I would change a plan in a heartbeat if they had a problem and needed Mum.

firsttimemum1230 · 27/03/2023 23:22

Yes and No, I’ve created the foundations for a good life for the both of us that suits us both right now and makes us both settled and happy.

i have a job that I love, I have the support from a childminder and family so I can work and I love knowing she’s had socialisation from 9 months old out of the family home.

i know I need me time and i prioritise that as much as she needs time with me.

My child is only 16 months old and I’m looking forward to her growing up (although loving this age) and her becoming more and more my best friend. The holidays we will have the days out. Everything.

i don’t see her as my life she is my world but not my life my life is my own to create and build make us both proud and provide us both a stable happy comfortable home with happy memories.