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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are your children your life?

223 replies

Earlymorningbirdschirping · 27/03/2023 21:44

Are they your reason for living/everything you do basically?
I was never massively maternal, although loved kids, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids for a long time, then suffered infertility and finally had my Dd at the age of 40.
I’d lived a lot and travelled a lot and worked a lot in a rewarding job (teacher)
I often need my space and reminisce about the freedom years, but I feel like Dd (now 4) really is what I live for, everything I do is for her and every decision I make. Is this a healthy/normal point of view? It’s sometimes v overwhelming and v intense

OP posts:
ashitghost · 28/03/2023 01:34

Yes. Nothing else matters to me in any comparable way. And nothing ever will.

WandaWonder · 28/03/2023 01:51

Well yes in away but I am still a fully functioning adult as well

Of course I love my child but obessesion is weird

purpledalmation · 28/03/2023 01:57

Yes definitely. Of course I have hobbies, job, interests, but they are the centre of my world, especially as their father (my ex) was not a nice man and I felt I had to put up with a lot to protect and shield them

TheaBrandt · 28/03/2023 06:39

Just don’t become child bores - those women that talk about nothing but their kids. So so dull. A friend of my mothers is still like it though her “child” is 48!

Beezknees · 28/03/2023 06:44

No.

I do make big decisions based on what's best for DS, of course that's what you do as a parent. He's not my "life" though in a sense that everything revolves around him. He's 15 so I don't think he'd appreciate that now anyway!

OliviaPark · 28/03/2023 06:46

Yes definitely.

I have a great career, DH, close family and friends, hobbies, an active social life….. but my children are always the most important thing and what I base decisions around.

CakeJumper · 28/03/2023 06:47

No, I am my own person and being a mum is just one part of that. Children are lent to us for such a short precious time, I love mine more than I ever thought possible, but I need my life to be fulfilled in other ways as well.

leggingsandasweatshirt · 28/03/2023 06:51

Yes and I know my mum felt the same about me

Mummadeze · 28/03/2023 06:51

I used to feel like you when my DD was younger. Now she is 14 so I still adore her but I have re-found time to focus on some of my own interests as well. She likes her own space, so I have a hobby now I am passionate about. But I do revolve most major decisions around her still. She is the number one priority in our household without a doubt.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 28/03/2023 06:57

Yes and no.

Similar story here, fertility issues but also my eldest has had health issues which refocuses that living for them feeling as it really puts stuff in perspective when you go through almost losing them.

My eldest is close to starting school and I'm feeling a shift. I do think being older having LIVED hard before kids, studied, worked, owned a business, built a career, travelled, fallen in love, all the things childless me in my 20s and early 30s did, I found it lovely to get into my wee mum bubble with my babies.

I'm starting to prioritise myself more, my youngest is almost 2 and I'm starting to look forward to her getting up a bit too. Enjoying the toddler years and planning ahead for when she's starting school age.

I want to just naturally move more towards a bit of independence for me and them. My mum was a sahm and really struggled once we'd all grown up, so I'm working hard to still maintain my career, I want to be able to focus more on it again with time for example. I'd say if you're struggling to see yourself in life as you once did and are only seeing yourself as mum it's worth sittjng with that and thinking about how you want things to be long term.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 28/03/2023 06:58

TheaBrandt · 28/03/2023 06:39

Just don’t become child bores - those women that talk about nothing but their kids. So so dull. A friend of my mothers is still like it though her “child” is 48!

I'm going to assume you're childless?

BritInAus · 28/03/2023 06:59

Hmmm. Would die for them, absolutely put them first in everything.

But are they my life? No. That would suggest my life wasn't rich or full or fulfilling before they came along, which isn't the case.

Being a mum is central to who I am - but so is my professional role, my academic study, my wife, my friends and my hobbies. My child is absolutely #1 (shared #1 with my wife!) but not my entire life.

MushMonster · 28/03/2023 07:00

I think it is, as it should, age dependant.
They are your everything till they start gaining their own independance, and you get yours back in steps.
So, I would say till 6 or 8, they need you to feed them, dress them, teaching daily about life, taking them places...
Then they can start helping in the house, going to the corner shop, going out with friends to the park.. in steps.
By teen years you have to be ready to step back and get back to your own self. Be an example of happy independant and whole adult. Otherwise, if you try to keep them as the centre of your live by then, all hell will break loose.

TheaBrandt · 28/03/2023 07:00

No! I’m going to have to assume you are a child bore?!

Antiquiteas · 28/03/2023 07:00

No. They’re a treasured part of it.

happysingleversary · 28/03/2023 07:02

Yes. she's my world and if anything happened to her I wouldn't want to go on.
She's wonderful and brings joy to every single day. I think having one means a lot less stress and if I had more than one I'd want a lot more time away from my kids, but as it is with a growing daughter she's like my best friend and I really enjoy being a mum.

I have hobbies and want them to become a bigger part of my life as she gets older but for now she is my main focus yes and that's by choice.

Antiquiteas · 28/03/2023 07:03

Forgooodnesssakenow · 28/03/2023 06:58

I'm going to assume you're childless?

Show quote history

Why would you assume someone cautioning against being the worst of people, a child bore, is ‘childless’ (child free)?

Child bores are the worst. I don’t want to talk about children all the fucking time. I have them, I like mine, I don’t like other people’s much, and I especially don’t want to be talked at about various aspects of child rearing. It’s so, so, so dull. There’s so much more to talk about.

OlympicProcrastinator · 28/03/2023 07:06

Yes absolutely. I have a full life, great group of friends, interests and hobbies, a job I love, a happy marriage etc. So I do have a world without them, but the world would be meaningless and I wouldn’t want to live it if my children weren’t in it. Every decision I make and every thing I do, they are my first consideration. They have enhanced my life immeasurably because what is life without love?
And who could you love more than your own children? The intensity of that love absolutely blew me away.

pornyshroudofturin · 28/03/2023 07:08

BitOutOfPractice · 27/03/2023 23:16

No. I think it’s far too much pressure to put on anyone. They are my first priority. But not my only one no.

Absolutely this. Plus I don't think it's a healthy relationship to model to them. How could any future partner live up to that level of adoration and slavish devotion?

I went back to work just before the first lockdown, when my 3 kids were 3,5 and 12. At the time it was incredibly stressful as it was a high pressure role, but in hindsight it was the best thing I ever did. The kids know I would do anything for them, but it was good for them to see that I can't always drop everything at that exact moment. While they are the most important thing in my life, I can't prioritise their wants 24-7.

happysingleversary · 28/03/2023 07:10

Antiquiteas · 28/03/2023 07:03

Why would you assume someone cautioning against being the worst of people, a child bore, is ‘childless’ (child free)?

Child bores are the worst. I don’t want to talk about children all the fucking time. I have them, I like mine, I don’t like other people’s much, and I especially don’t want to be talked at about various aspects of child rearing. It’s so, so, so dull. There’s so much more to talk about.

Show quote history

Nah, it's dog people.

SkyandSurf · 28/03/2023 07:10

No I wouldn't put that on them.

I adore my children, they are my priority. Their interests come first.

But they aren't my whole life. I have my career, my friends, my self.

I think that's important to model for them as well. I wouldn't want them to live their lives for others.

TenTwentyAtCheltenhamSandwich · 28/03/2023 07:30

For some people their kids are their lives & without them they can’t seem to function properly. Some times when their kids leave home the marriage breaks as they’ve put so much into the kids that they forgot about each other. SIL (gets on my fucking nerves) & constantly goes on about her adult kids, where they’ve been or where they’re all going. They need the kids more than the kids need them, & often hang around with their kids & the kids friends. She seems puzzled that we don’t do the same. I think they’re needy & should let go.

WonderingWanda · 28/03/2023 07:32

I think at 4 years old your dd is likely to be the centre of your world. She's just spent the last 4 years being entirely dependent on you. In my experience that very close overwhelming need to put them first in everything does dissipate as they get older and more independent. They go to school, they get friends, hobbies etc. When mine were that young I did very little for me but every year I feel like I claw back a little of my old self with hobbies, clubs and friends. Not quite recovered the career yet but have a plan.

I have a teen and a pre teen now and am envisaging what life will be like in a few years when the first one might head off to Uni and and trying plan for that. They of course will go off and do all sorts of exciting things and I don't want to be sat at home feeling sad, I plan to be off doing my own exciting things.

Franticbutterfly · 28/03/2023 07:38

I don't know. I've devoted the last 15 years to them, but now I am doing something for me and so am not able to do all the things I used to all of the time due to lack of time. But yes, I do adore them all, I couldn't ever imagine my life without them and the thought one might leave in just 3 years fills me with dread tbh. That said, my husband and I have put our relationship high on the list of priorities, and so that shouldn't suffer too much once they have left home.

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/03/2023 07:42

No. My daughter is the most important person in my life by a country mile and I love her to distraction.

But I would never say I lived only for her or that she was “my world” or any of those naff phrases. It’s not great to have your entire life revolve around your children: it limits you and stifles them.